Monday, January 31, 2011


I learned many years ago that hope is not always a positive force in one’s mind. Indeed, it can hold one back and it can destroy what one has.

About 20 years ago I gave up the hope that I was going to become acceptable to my family, most especially to my parents.Until I did this I was not able to recover from the effects of childhood abuse. Indeed I could not even find the right help. Whilst I continued to hope, I was still believing that if only I could find what it is I needed to change, they would find me acceptable, or even love me. In other words I was still stuck believing it was my fault.

Giving up that hope was very painful and frightening but it was the best thing that I could have done because it released me.

Now I find that once again hope is taking from my life rather than adding to my life. This is in relation to my disease and my mobility issues. Every day I have been waking up and going to the pool hoping that today was going to be the day that I was going to be able to be back to my former physical capabilities and swim a mile. On the very rare occasions that I did manage that, I was buggered for the next 48 hours so didn’t go the following day as I hoped. I have been going around and around with this hope for about 18 months now.

Today I let it go. I know that no matter how much I hope I am not going to be able to regress my disease.

So today I went to the pool with a fixed number of laps in my mind that I would do and I would not go over that no matter how capable I thought I might be. Normally I go to the pool without a fixed number in my head and I force myself to do as many as I can. This has only resulted in more pain and suffering to me.

I do feel that I have given myself a realistic number of laps to complete. It remains to be seen whether I am going to be able to do that five days a week or whether I still have to do it alternate days. Only tomorrow will tell me that. I am not hoping that I can tomorrow because I do not want to argue with my body. I will wait and see what the situation with my body is when I wake up and make my decision based on that.

We NEED hope in our lives. My dogs and my showing and breeding of them always give me something to hope for. My knitting and my design work and my dyeing work also gives me plenty of hope, always something to look forward to.

We have to look realistically at what we are hoping for and if we discover that our hope is unrealistic we must ditch it before it destroys us.

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