Ministering To The Dying

A number of years ago now, I was asked if I would go and see a woman who was dying. She knew she was dying. After giving it some thought, I agreed to see her even though I had never ministered to anyone who was dying before. I was nervous to say the least.

I arrived at her home and was taken to her bedroom, where she lay in her bed. We were introduced. I felt as if the room was crowded so knew that spirit were with us. I asked the people who were there with us physically to leave the room so I could talk in private.

The feeling of the presence of spirit grew stronger and I soon began to receive images and words. i described a man to the dying woman, his physical attributes and also the fact that he was telling me that he had a love of music, especially of the piano and that he taught. The woman recognised this as a description of her father. I was then able to discern the presence of a woman. I gave details about her and described her and the dying woman told me this was her mother. I was able to sense the presence of another woman. I became confused because this second woman said that she was the dying woman's mother. I spoke of my confusion. The dying woman smiled and told me that she had been adopted.

The room was literally full of spirit and the feeling was one of peace and calm and love. I told the dying woman that her loved ones told me that they would be there when it was time to take her to her new home. She asked me when this would be. I was flummoxed as I was not expecting to be asked this. I found myself telling her that her what her father impressed upon me: that they would be back for her on the Saturday morning.

She smiled with relief and joy. She died on the Saturday morning.

Wet and Windy

The weather, not my IBS. It hasn't been too bad here but in parts of the UK it has been strong enough to knock down trees and stuff. So other than my swim, I have done nothing but watch Footballer's Wives and knit.

I slept well last night and had no pain to disturb my beauty sleep. I am wondering if this is because I took anti -inflammatories yesterday. I also have taken them twice so far today. I took the first dose before my swim and my swim was very much easier and not painful. Co-incidence or not I don't know. I shall see tomorrow.

I am in the process of knitting a sweater on the fine gauge machine. I am using 6 strands of a 2/60 merino high micron fibre. It feels lovely.

When I knit the first sleeve it seemed very long so I measured it and it was 12cms longer than I intended. Although I could not see how, I was convinced I had made an error in my calculation of the gauge. I washed the sleeve and left it to dry overnight. It is now the size I intended. Mmm...I didn't expect that as I only washed the swatch and the sleeve in washing up liquid and in cool water. It hasn't felted and the final handle is perfect. For some reason the unwashed knitting is distorted somewhat.

I have almost finished a pair of socks. Both knitted at the same time on one needle until I get to the ankle and then I separate and knit each on their own needle. It is taking me longer because of the pain in my hands.

Cruft's

Me showing Micah.



Karen from Denmark.
Linda from Hartlepool.
Debbie from Hartlepool.
Elaine and hubby from Chester.

Wonderful Day Times Two

My friends arrived at 9am. We had a good day just catching up. In bed by 7.30pm.

Our day started at 2am. We got up and did what we had to do with the dogs and ourselves. We left by 4am and were at the N.E.C. by 5.30am. We unloaded the car, put the dogs in the show trolley and all our stuff, and made the long trek from the Disabled Car Park to our hall. In typical British fashion, we could not go in by the normal route and we had to struggle another few hundred yards to the entrance they decided we must use. Still, we were at Cruft's so we just got on with it.

We got in, set up and sat down to gather ourselves again, drinking coffee and looking around.

We were very surprised and pleased to find that our friends, Laurent and Francois from France and Frauke from Germany were also there. This on top of seeing my other friends was a real bonus.

Time to show. Now I fully expected to not do well here and was just there because of Karen and Gitte from Denmark staying with me. I could hardly not go!

I went into my first class with Micah. There were 20 of us. She pulled me out along with others and when I looked down the line I realised that she had only pulled out 5 so Micah was at least going to be placed. Much to my surprise and pleasure, she placed Micah 2nd.

My next class was with Shameless. Now Shameless is a little tall for my liking and by this time I realised that the judge preferred smaller too. However, Shameless is a real show off, loves to move around the ring, eyeing the crowd and posing. She is also well made. Anyway, the judge gave her 5th, with the 4 in front all being shorter in height.

I was very pleased to say the least with my dogs' placings.

The breeder of Micah's father won Best Bitch with her girl and this made her a Champion. She burst into tears. I, along with others, was very pleased for her.

The following day, Friday, John and I took Karne and Gitte into Peterborough for shopping. Shopping is always good fun though Karen and Gitte were appalled by the poor service we received everywhere but Cafe Nero, who provide very good service. I had previously told Karen how awful service in this country was and now she knows I was not exaggerating. Even John Lewis was appalling.

Of course all this has left me exhausted and sore but it was all in a good cause.

The trouble I have with my ribcage at night is back with a vengeance, four nights in a row now. I found a solution last night which may work again: I got up and sorted the pillows out and added the v -s shaped pillow, so that I was lying with my top half propped up. This stopped the pain immediately and I was able to get more sleep.

My next dog show will be in April and then they are every month thru till November.

Better Day

Well, my fiends showed up at 9am and caught me by surprise. We are all done now, dogs bathed and groomed. We have done the shopping we needed to. Are relaxing now and will eat soon. Then off to bed by 7.30pm as we are up at 2am. Hopefully we shall arrive at the NEC by 5.45am.

Not A Good Start......

Okay, so it's just as well no one is around here yet. I awoke with the hump. I had a bad night pain wise. Yes those spasms the new drug is supposed to stop.

The house smells lovely as I have a chicken casserole in the slow cooker (crockpot) going since before I went to bed and it will stay there until we eat later.

I am about to start bathing Micah and Shameless. Hopefully, I'll be in better mood shortly! I am sure I will when be by the time my friends get here. I have not seen Karen since we were at her house back in August 06. I feel really comfortable with her and her husband Kim. There house feels like home. I usually go to the loo as soon as I get there because I have relaxed enough to be able to! Yes, it's a running joke-I don't poo away from home so do so at their house is a compliment!

I had another dental appointment yesterday and the the woman who dealt with me was really very nice. It was one of those fortuitous moments. She is training to be a therapist and was talking about how she was learning about the effects of abuse....coincidence you think?

The sun is very bright, it is a beautiful day, it is very cold. Just the sort of day I like. I hate in between days, neither hot not cold because it usually means it is dull and rainy.

Well, get a coffee and get a dog wet....see you after Cruft's. Ick help!

EDIT: KAYONI, I ACCIDENTLY DETLETED YOUR COMMENT WHEN DELETING SPAM.PLEASE LEAVE AGAIN IF YOU WISH TO.

Listening To My Body Talk

I think I am figuring it out. I awoke at 6am in order to get ready to go to the pool. I felt as if a truck had hit me. I knew it would not be laziness if I went back to bed and decided not to swim. That is precisely what I did. What I thought was another 10 minutes napping was in fact an hour and a half.

Now that I am up and have fed the three puppies, I know I made the right choice. I am aching all over. Today, I have two dogs to bath and the two who are going to Cruft's get done tomorrow. My friends arrive tomorrow.

I won't now be able to attend the pool until Saturday. It appears though that three days on and 1 off is the way to go. At least it seems I have figured that out. Better than pushing myself until I am useless.

Busy Week

This week is going to be busy.

I have Karen and Gita arriving from Denmark on Wednesday. We will be showing our dogs at Cruft's on Thursday.

Today I go to see the hypnotherapist again.

The swimming is going all right again. I did a mile Saturday and Sunday and today. I shall tomorrow too. I am not feeling fatigued. But not on Wed, Thurs or Fri due to Cruft's.

I have never exhibited at Cruft's despite qualifying 8 different dogs. It is a very crowded event as the public go to it in droves. I am only going because my friends are coming from Denmark.

Oh and I am maintaining my weight at 13st3lbs (185lbs/ 84kg) I want to lose another stone (14lbs / 6.3kg).

I have ideas for some machine knits. I think I shall and flog them on Etsy-give that another go. I am also thinking maybe I ought to bite the bullet and start to sell off some of my yarn stock and machinery....scary!

Supermodel Me

This is my first ever hand knitted sweater, circa 2004. Up till then, I had only hand knit scarves and swatches and half sweaters. This was made up as I went along. It has set in sleeves. It was knitted using 5mm needles and Rowan Summer Tweed. I hated it for fit but now I have lost weight I love it. Glad I didn't dump it.
I just finished this. It is 100% Cashmere, set in sleeves, knitted on my fine gauge machine, a Silver Reed 830. 37sts and 61 rows to 10cms(4") after washing and tumble drying.
I hand knit this on 4.5mm needles, using drops Alpaca, double stranded. Disappointed that it sheds but otherwise pleased with it.
This is my second hand knit. Using Rowan Polar, I think. It was knitted on 8mm needles. Feels lovely.

Mulling It Over

I had a day off yesterday and went and swum my mile today and still came back exhausted and needing to sleep.

I have thought of either doing it every other day, or still every day and cutting down to 40 lengths instead of 64.

I have been doing the mile a day for many months now, and did so during my hard time, with no problems, so I am fairly convinced I am going through a flare now. I am tired all the time and aching everywhere and sleeping a couple of hours in the arvo and still sleeping without waking during the night.

Now there is the school of thought, from the health professionals, that one should continue to exercise anyway. Mmmm, I am not sure.

I need to do other things, like walk the dogs and bath and groom them. I also like to go to my meetings. I can't do this if I am too tired. I still slept in the arvo yesterday and at night but did feel better for not swimming and also got dog stuff done.

I was surprised that swimming today made me feel so crap. Oh, and I did wonder if not eating carbs was not helping so on Tuesday, I ate plenty and still found the swimming painful and hard going so it isn't that. i didn't think ti would be since I rarely eat carbs anyway and usually feel more energetic for it. Starch/sugar and such makes me lethargic and bad tempered and hungry.

Today I think has more or less confirmed I am having a flare. It makes sense when prior to this last week or so, I have had more pain. It has abated somewhat and now I just feel tired and ache all over.

About Face

The implication of a lot of therapy type books, especially 12 step based ones, is that those of us with problems have something innately wrong with our brain, that we are somehow wired to think in a detrimental way.

I have discovered that this is bollocks!

For most of my life I believed there was something wrong with me, something abnormal about my brain or just me in general. Unfortunately, this was reinforced by most of the people I came across.

There are many people out there playing with the minds of vulnerable people, such as I was, and damaging them further. There are many people who think they know it all when they know f**k all. They compound the damage already suffered by the damaged.

I was an easy target. I believed I was wrong. I believed I was bad. I believed most of what I was told because I was wired to. It was easy for me to look up to people and consider them by betters. I was in so much pain and was so desperate, I listened to them when they told me they could help me. Their help consisted of compounding the belief that I was defective.

One such person, frorm many years ago, had a profound effect on me. I looked up to her. She always sounded so well and confident. She had the answers. She said she did.

She led me up the garden path. She also hurt me deeply. One day she suddenly, with no explanation, stopped our friendship. This of course hurt me but more compounded my feelings of worthlessness. She had also seriously f***ed with my mind by that point. She had me believing I had all sorts of problems I didn't have and that I was the cause of my family discord and dismissed the abuse. This set me back so many years.

Of course my brain is perfectly normal and I learn well. Very well. I learned precisely what I was taught. That I was worthless, stupid, evil, incapable, would never amount to anything and had only illness and death to look forward to with eternal damnation after that. How was i supposed to feel good about anything with that as my 'program'?

Thank fully, I have overcome this now. I understand what I was taught and how it was reinforced . Reinforced by the abuse, the lack of love and later by mental health professionals who knew not what they were doing. Honestly, I have not met one mental health professional who was helpful to me, many who were abusive, some who were useless but nice.These people just compounded the damage. Just a small example, being in an Anorexic Unit where the regime for getting us well was a punishment / reward one. As if we were rats. Needless to say it helped no one and just convinced us further how worthless and bad we were if even the medical staff meant to care for us abused us. Of course, at the time, the word abuse was not thought of because we didn't know that is what was happening. we were treated the way we deserved to be treated bot abused!

On the one hand I feel so lucky to be where I am now, have the life I have now. On the other, in my 50th year, I feel terribly sad and bereft at all those lost years. All because I believed what I was taught to believe - that it was all my fault. That I was treated thus because of who I was. That my family rejected me because of who I was.

NO. All that happened because of who they were.

Having a Rest

I didn't swim today. I have finished up my cashmere sweater.( Yes, it's for me. )I have bathed Micah and I am knitting a pair of socks and watching the first series of Footballers Wives on DVD which is seriously awful and compulsive viewing. I have also re watched the first two Harry Potter films.

I find it hard to know when it is okay to stop and when I am being lazy. Well, I definitely need to rest today. I feel much better. Perhaps 1 mile a day swimming isn't going to work. I perhaps need to do it less than daily.

I have been wanting to write more about my 'dark night of the soul' of the last 6 months. I have learned so much from it and have much I could share about it. However, whenever I think about it, I just start crying again. I think just because of the enormity of it and because the agony of it is so fresh. I am glad I went through it. It has freed me and taught me more that I needed to know. Learning and growing never stop but hopefully it won't all be so painful!

One thing I have learned is that there is abuse far worse than physical, sexual and emotional.

It is mental abuse.

It is teaching a child WHAT to think instead of how to think. It is teaching a child self hate. It is teaching a child they have no value. It is teaching a child to fear themselves. It is teaching a child not to enjoy. It is teaching a child that pleasure is wrong. It is teaching a child they have no choice. It is teaching a child they are not worthy of respect. It is teaching a child they do not matter or count. It is teaching a child they are responsible for the pain and suffering of adults or of a man who was killed 2000 years ago. It is teaching a child they are born evil.

Autumnus

I knit these using an Opal yarn, one on a hank. Sorry can't recall what it was and one of the dogs ate the label.

I knit them both together on a 2mm HiyaHiya circular needle. At least I did until well into the leg and I got fed up and did them singly after that.

To be fair, whilst I think it took longer to do, I was knitting other things too and also using garter stitch blocks and I always find garter stitch to be slower as it it not so easy to get the needle tip in the stitch and I have to look whereas I do not have to look when doing K and P.

I used a variation of my Andersson Heel.

Things I Like And Don't (not in order)

1. Coffee - only the real stuff. Keep the instant. I have a bean to cup machine(two actually).
2. Vegetables
3. People
4. Reading
5. Music - female singer songwriters mostly
   
6. Film
7. Photography
8. Sex
9. Food
10. Pepsi Max
11. Blackcurrant flavour
12. Cheesecake
    
13. 85% Dark Chocolate
14. Being in water
15. Snow
16. Sunshine
17. Driving
18. Sleeping
19. Drugs

20. Making people laugh

DON'T

1. People
2. Rap music (or any song that is spoken)
3. Chicory and artichoke
4. Snakes (seriously hate them)
5. Wet days
6. Having to potty
7. Films that have most of the story told in dull / dark light
8. Loud background music so you can't hear dialogue(Grey's Anatomy for e.g.)
9. Following fashion
10. Not being me in order to fit
11. Religion
12. The assumption I am an athiest
13. Sex
14. Food
15. Bad Rules
16. Bureaucracy
    
17. Busybodies
18. People who are certain
19. Ignorance
20. Laziness
    

Changes

Swimming: yesterday I could not do my usual 64 lengths. I only managed 50. I also have done little else. Although I am sleeping well, I seem to be experiencing a flare and am fatigued all the time. Still, it's the first bad flare for quite a while.

I am thinking that maybe I will take Sat and Sun off from the pool. Maybe a mile each morning 5 days a week is enough.

Hearing Dogs: two of my girls have been donated to the Hearing Dogs for Deaf People charity. Three of my previous dogs were also donated and they passed and now live with their deaf people, being their ears. So Luna and her daughter, Lia, went yesterday. Liam is going to his new home of Sunday and I am keeping Lui.

Socks: I have almost completed the two at once pair.

Cashmere: I have one sleeve left to knit and sew in. I have done everything else already. This sweater is for me. I remembered to knit a smaller size too! The last sweater I made for myself was way too big as I forgot I have lost all this weight.

Eating Disorder: I have been asked to be one of the speakers at the next conference/workshop in May. I think I probably shall.

Two at Once

This is the sock pair I have on the one needle. I have knit much more than this now, almost at the heel turn. I think I like this way of doing two at once.

Minus 7 Celsius

When we were in Germany at Xmas, it was cold. Very cold. Minus 4-5 c during the day and worse at night. It was beautiful though, all white and crisp. It never gets that cold here where we live. In Scotland yes, here no.

Well guess what? It is that cold here and has been for two days and will be for a day or so more. On my way to the pool this morning(at 8.30am) it was minus 7c and minus 5c when I got home at 10am. Unfortunately, unlike Germany, it is also foggy so the crisp whiteness cannot be seen.

I did note that the dykes were frozen and the usual swans and other birds that I see on the water were nowhere this morning.

I found a way around my front crawl problem. I mainly do it for my hips and legs. As you know, I had to stop doing it because it caused too much pain in my shoulders, especially my right. I had to rest this weekend, no swimming, which I was not happy with. Anyway, no pain this morning. I also had the bright idea of using a kick board (float). This enabled me to use my legs the way I wanted to and save my shoulders from pain at the same time. Simple. Why I didn't think of it before I have no idea!

Ebay Auction

Ends this evening(Sunday 17th):


Yak Hair

Cashmere Mix

Lieve and I

This is me, taken this evening, wearing one of my sweaters. Knitted on the Passap E6000 using a 70% extrafine Merino 30% Angora yarn. I used LX on FB and FX on BB, 1x1 pushers. I strand in each colour, 2/24's.
This is my friend Lieve whom I met thru our mutual admiration of the music of Joni Mitchell. Lieve is Belgian but lives here in England.

Meet The New Girls

This is Milli, 8 weeks old. She is the daughter of Mouse who I bred. We miss keeping Dax so much we thought we would try again. We just hope this one does not have the coat eating gene. If she does she will have to go back. It is dangerous thing to do. Our previous girl ate off Micah's coat and almost died form a blockage. Fortunately she puked most of it back up and passed the rest out the other end. Not all Dax do but it is a thing they are known for. They do such a good job it looks just like a razor has been used on the dog's coat.

Whitney, whom you have met before, now 13 weeks.

Popeye Reloaded

I frogged the first version of Popeye(see last two pictures). I had done the ribbing on a machine and the rest by hand, top down. These first two pictures are of the redone sock, knitted all by hand on 2.25mm circular needle. I much prefer it.
This is a different version of my Andersson Heel which I may well prefer to the first one. Just as easy to do. I like the way this one looks and fits. Once I found the math formula for it, it was easy.
Ribbing done on machine. Now frogged.
Heel and gusset and foot down by hand, now frogged.

Not Quite Past It

Well, no swimming today. No swimming tomorrow as we have a friend for the weekend. Hopefully Monday I can return to swimming. I still can't move my right shoulder without a lot of pain and my left is giving, well, just the normal pain. Okay, so I won't do forward crawl anymore as it seems I am too knackered for that and will stick to stroking my breasts .......

I HATE not being able to go and swim. It really sets my day off well. I went to bed later last night as I knew I wouldn't go to the pool today and I got up late at 7.15am. Feels strange. I like to be up at 5am. I let the dogs out and they quickly go and pee and go str8 back to bed. Then I sit and knit. It is so quiet. I love to see the sunrise too.

On Thursday, I felt really good about myself. My car tax needs renewing. I got all the paperwork together and off I trotted to the PO to get the tax disc. I was feeling pleased with myself because I have a terrible memory and getting things like this done is not easy. I was also very lucky as there was no queue. I was a day too early! No tax discs are issued before the 15th of the current month!

Next month the car has to have it's MOT done (roadworthiness test). I have had this car for 4 years now from new. It is the first car for years that we have kept beyond the 3 year mark. I love this car. It is a Skoda Octavia Estate(station wagon), runs on diesel, gives me 55 to the gallon(UK gallon 160 ozs) and is ideal for the dogs. Not only that, it has a fully adjustable steering wheel and front seats so I can change my position when I need to, which is frequently!

I shall put up new pictures later today of the puppies and of my Popeye Reloaded and also of my new to me two socks at once on one long circ.

Oh and my opinion about Lui was backed up.

Stuff N Nonsense

I had to abandon my swim this morning thru the pain in my right shoulder. mmmm...I think maybe I need to stick to breast stroke. This week I have added a front crawl every five laps, making 12 in total, and now my right shoulder is painful and I can't lift it above shoulder level.

A man is coming today to view Micah as a prospective mate for his girl. He is bringing her too so I can vet her.

I am taking Lui to see a friend today. This friend has bred 20 plus UK Champions(UK is THE hardest place in the world to make up a Ch). Anyhow, I want him to confirm what I think about Lui-that he is outstanding. To think I nearly sold him. This litter was born during my dark night of the soul and thus I wasn't paying as close attention as I normally would be. Then two weeks ago, I happened to catch sight of him gliding across the garden and I thought to myself: gosh, he moves well. So I picked him up and stacked him on the grooming table. Sure enough, he is very well made. His head is lovely too and he has a perfect bite right now. I have taken him to show training twice now and the second time he was much better than the first and almost perfect in his execution of what is required.

If Lui is as good as I think he is, he is the best I have ever bred and better than Micah. In fact, probably one of the best I have been over.

I realised the other day that I have qualified 8 dogs Cruft's. 5 Lhasa Apso that I bred, and one I did not breed, and 2 Dax that I bred.

Sweaters: I may give Etsy another go. I tried it before and got nowhere. It can't hurt to try and thanks to Patsijean fro the reminder of Etsy.

The Nonsense: saw a tv doc about these people who are on a trip to see the Valley of Armageddon where they eagerly wait to see the rivers of blood that will flow there, according to them, when Jesus returns imminently. They speak with such glee about death and destruction and rivers of blood which they, as loyal lovers of Christ, will witness with such joy in their hearts. How sick can you get? These people must have experienced such pain their lives to make them so bitter that they really believe this tosh and take great delight in the thought that those who do not believe, especially those who hurt them, are soon to be destroyed whilst they become ecstatic at the sight of their enemies blood. Dear me, talk about needing to know thyself! I still find it astonishing that these people say they follow the Prince of Peace and live in God's love yet they display nothing but hatred themselves. Sad deluded people who do great harm to others in order that they numb their own pain.

What A Difference....

....drugs make! I have been taking the new night time pain drug for 1 week. From the first night, I slept 6 hours without waking and no spasms round my thoracic region. It's only 10mg of Amitriptyline but it works wonders. Have slept really well every night since. It stops the spasms but does little if anything for the usual aches and pains.

I have had to start taking meds an hour before I go to swim now as my shoulder sockets really act up now. Plus the pain in my right hand's knuckles has actually stopped me knitting this evening, despite a 1.6 gm drug combo....

Weird. I seem to be having less problems with my lower back, hips and legs, unless I walk a while, than usual and now have it where I didn't really have it before, or maybe I just didn't notice! I know I haven't been able to move my neck properly for a few years now.

Okay, so that is the pain moan over.

I am feeling generally good. I went to see a hypno man on Monday and now do a self hypno cd daily. It really works for me. I relax. Deeply. This is the whole idea. I had a consult with him last year when I was still going thru that anguish. He said he didn't feel he could help with my grief but certainly felt he could help with my hypervigilance which he noticed str8 away. Funny, you can live with something so long, like all your life, and not realise you are doing so. Anyway, I shall have a couple more one to one sessions with him and continue to use this cd. I am definitely feel more relaxed generally. I am sure I only surveyed my surroundings a few times today.... ;-)

I put two sweaters on Ebay but there seems little interest. I am wondering if it is time I faced facts and started to get rid of my equipment and yarn. Actually doing so seems too much to do. Yes, I can stick to handknitting but how long will my disease let that be?

We got a new family member on Tuesday. Milly, a red mini longhaired Dachshund. She is gorgeous. Hopefully she will not have the coat eating gene. Her mum, who I bred(Mouse), did eat other dogs hair and neither did her mum, my Alice who now lives in St Paul's Cathedral, London with a vicar there.

I finally finished the last Harry Potter book last week having bought it and started to read it the first day it was out! Trouble, I only read in bed and I now fall asleep after a page or two! It wasn't the book, which I enjoyed, but my inability to stay awake. I ma now reading a Da Vinci Code type thriller and having the same trouble with falling asleep.

I have frogged Popeye and reknit it toe up, using a different version of my Andersson Heel. I had initially knitted Popeye top down, with the leg ribbing having been machine knit. I really was not happy with it.

We have a friend, whom I met on the Joni Mitchell Discussion List, coming to stay for the weekend. Her name is Lieve and she is originally from Belgium. She informs me that the last weekend she came was two years ago!!!!!

Oh and I now have a Radar key. What is that? You might well ask because I ought to have to have been told by my medical people or the benefits people. I found out because I need to use a loo when out in public and could not use the disabled loo because one needed a special key for it. How stupid I thought. Just as I was about to wheel away another wheelchair person came up and told she explained to me about the Radar key system and how I could get one. Well I got one today. I had to pay for it too!

Really, in France and Germany etc I get to park for free and also for unlimited time. Here I have to pay and only get to park for 3 hours on the street. Now. I HAVE to use a car. I can't get anywhere without one. It is NOT a choice. Mainland Europe have the right attitude to we mobility impaired people. They don't add insult to injury by making us pay for our lack of mobility. Here in the UK they just patronize us, charge us for daring to be an inconvenience, and pay lip service to disability rights.

I am so lucky that my mobility varies and that I am not stuck permanently in a wheelchair. If I were, I'd be up shit creek without a paddle unless I moved to Germany or somewhere like.

On DVD

BLEAK HOUSE : Excellent. We have just watched the whole series, 15 episodes on DVD. A Dickens story. Very well made, well acted and engrossing. Gillian Anderson of X-Files fame stars. Hasn't she turned out to be a beautiful woman?

24: ridiculous and macho crap but also engrossing. I have just finished series 6 which was just as silly as the previous 5. Can't help it, but I really enjoy this series. Never mind that Jack ought to be dead years ago and any real person would be.

BOSTON LEGAL: Excellent. Funny. Moving. Who knew that William Shatner could act?

NIP TUCK : really didn't think I would like this but I did. Just finished series 4. Very well done. Probably the only character I would like to know is Liz the anaesthesiologist. The rest are real pains. Very silly plots. Lots of rude bits.

GREY'S ANATOMY : just about to watch series 2. Enjoyed series one. Watched whilst knitting cocks. Took a bit of getting into.

BEWITCHED: love this and have since I was a boy. I wanted to be Samantha. I longed to twitch my nose and have my family disappear....

THE WEST WING: just brilliant. We own the whole 7 series. Well acted. One you really have to watch and listen to without doing something else.

X-Files: I treated myself to the whole 9 series. I didn't watch it when it was current. Then I caught a couple of episodes and enjoyed them so...very well done. Funny. Moving. Serious. Played for real.

SIX FEET UNDER: We own the whole 5 series. Well done, well acted and weird.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES: The first series was excellent, the next two not so good but still watchable.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS: saw it on TV. Very good. Looking forward to next series. The first series seemed quite long unless they showed series one and two back to back.

THE TUDORS: sexed up historical drama. Very well acted and filmed.

CRANFORD: Another costume drama. Excellent.

SENSE AND SENSIBILITY: costume drama, Jane Austen. Excellent. These last three were all BBC productions and they know how to make this type of TV.

Ebay Sweaters

Auction started tonight:

Yak Hair

Cashmere Mix

Choice

How we experience life is pretty much determined by the choices we make. Not just in what we decide to do at any given moment but also in what we think.

The more we know, the more choices we have. Educating ourselves then is vital. The less we know the less choices we have. We can only choose from the choices we know about.

As with everything, it isn't quite as simple as that!

Many of us not only do not know there are more choices than we are aware of but also close ourselves off from learning about other choices. Usually because of fear.

It is very common that as we grow up, we are taught WHAT to think instead of HOW to think. We are denied choice by how we are taught.

Being brought up to think a certain way is a source of great suffering. This is especially so if we are taught a particular world view from a religious ideology.

It is extraordinarily painful and difficult to step outside of the prison of this type of thinking. We are told we are bad if we dare to question the belief system instilled in us. We are threatened with eternal damnation, an eternity of suffering in Hell. We are told we are not worthy of love. Even to think that their might be another way of thinking, of viewing our world, of interpreting our experiences, can cause much anguish.

We must do so though if we are to survive as individuals.

We each have responsibility for ourselves, what we think and how we act. To say we think such and such or we do such and such because this is what our parents taught us, or the Pope told us, or our pastor taught us, will not wash! No. WE are responsible.

Many people use their religion to justify their bigotry. The subjugation of women and children is justified by people who say their God tells them this is right. However, only a person who believes it is right to deny women and children their human rights based on their sex and age would accept such a teaching. Another obvious example is the oppression and destruction of homosexual people. Such bigotry is again justified by religious belief. Once again, only if one is bigoted in their heart would one accept such a belief!

So, it is not our religion or belief system that is to blame for the suffering caused, but we ourselves.

You would think that it is a matter of free will only that gives us the power to make choices from what is available. Not so.

No amount of will, free or otherwise, can give us the ability to choose from choices we are ignorant of. On top of that, we are to a great extent governed by our subconscious mind. We may think we act freely but in fact can be controlled by our deeply ingrained, and oft times hidden, beliefs.

If you hold the belief that you are bad at your core , that belief will govern your life. It will prevent happiness. It will prevent you learning of choices and if you do learn choices, you will likely reject those that can free you.

KNOW THY SELF is not a throw away line. It is VITAL that we do. Life is about learning who we are, how we think. We need to know how we tick. We need to root out the beliefs we hold that keep us chained to suffering.

My own experience of discovering a hidden belief best illustrates what I am trying to say. I held the belief that there was something wrong with me that caused the pain and suffering I experienced in my childhood. That I was abused because of who I was. This belief, which I did not know I held, caused me enormous suffering, almost cost me my life and my sanity.

It caused me to make relationships with unsuitable people who either abused me further or had no respect for me. Further 'proof' that I was at fault. It caused me to live with great fear constantly. It enabled control freaks and religious abusers to control me.

It prevented me from experiencing happiness and joy. (I was also taught not to enjoy anything or get close to anything because it would end in tears.)

Today I know that the problem was not me but those who abused me and took advantage of me. As a result, I have more choices and I know who to keep away from!

How we think, what we truly believe, affects the type of God we believe in(or not). Only a person who is judgemental and/or fearful can accept a God who is judgemental and condemning. Only a very narrow thinker can possibly accept that there is only one view of God.

And only a person who eschews all personal responsibility can believe that someone else will pay or has paid for their mistakes(sins)! Only a fearful person can accept that such a price needs to be paid, that God is such a wicked being that it requires such a price.

My, we really have made God in OUR image! It is people who have egos that require to be worshipped and praised, that require vengeance, and are unforgiving. It is only us that hold resentment.

We experience life according to our thinking. Life really is how we think it. We create meaning. We give meaning to our experience. We create our ideas. Everything we experience or think is SUBJECTIVE. It is not possible to be OBJECTIVE.

No one knows THE TRUTH. Absolute Truth is beyond our ability to know. Human kind cannot know it. We can only know our experience, our feeling and our interpretations, the meanings we create. We can know how close we are to TRUTH by how much we suffer. Meaning the more peaceful we feel, the more likely it is that we are thinking right.

One final thought-a belief system that states that those who do not believe are damned is self centred in the extreme. The followers of such systems have their 'peace' at the expense of others. This is wicked and their 'peace' is counterfeit.

By their very nature, belief systems that exclude other people must be wrong. There are not a chosen few. We are all chosen.

Being Insulted By Your Own Interpretation!

I wrote:

"The other pool is staffed mainly by obese women of various ages. The obesity being a symptom of their unhappiness and also their attitude and bullying. However, there is still no excuse for their outrageous behaviour."

Both of the readers who commented on the above words, interpreted in such a way as to cause themselves offence. A little reading of my blog would reveal that I spent most of my life as a fat person. In understand what it is to be fat. I also understand how when we are sensitive about something, we can misunderstand words to the extent that we think we are being attacked when we are not.


Steph said...

Obesity is a symptom of unhappiness? I suppose it could be in some cases. You do know that there are other reasons for being obese? Before you lump all of us fat women in one category, I thought I'd chime in and defend myself, at least. I don't mean to upset you or belittle your feelings Colin, but your comments really made me feel crappy. I'm not over-weight by choice but because of medical reasons that happen to be beyond my control (my lymph and nervous systems were severely damaged in an auto accident and I also have fibromyalgia and digestive issues). I'm also not a bully or an unpleasant person either; if fact, I'm rather sensitive and consider other's feelings above and beyond my own in most cases. I'd never treat anyone poorly because of the way they look or the physical difficulty they're having (after all, I'm fat and disabled *smiles*). I live by the golden rule of treating others the way I want to be treated. I just wanted to let you know how I felt...
Steph from Ohio

aradiva said...

I have to agree with the last commenter about lumping all fat women together in one unhappy heap. You had a bad experience with some fat women, but believe me, the fat world is incredibly diverse. I was really taken aback by your stereotype, after having read your recent posts with interest.

4:15 AM, February 09, 2008

Cashmere Commission

This is a 100% cashmere sweater I was asked to make. It is sold.

Made with two strands of 2/28's at tension 5 on a fine gauge machine. the tension was 37 sts and 61 rows to 10cm AFTER washing and tumble drying on hot 3 times. The final garment was treated the same.

This method really brings up the loft and true luxurious feel of cashmere yarn. The garment is machine washable on delicate wash. However, I have found that once the garment has been tumbled 3 times it can be continually tumbled without further shrinking. However, for longevity, I'd still recommend a hand wash, spin and dry flat. Not that I have any proof that continual tumbling will harm it.

Puppies

Whitney - 12 weeks on Monday11th Feb.
Lui-18 weeks tomorrow(9th Feb). He is staying here.
Lia , Lui's sister,-still looking for a home. Her mum Luna is the adult behind.
Liam-the other brother.

This That and The Other

SERVICE

I did another service last night. It again went well. One can never tell. It isn't guaranteed that anything will happen or that the people there will be receptive. If they do not have a welcoming open attitude, it really makes it hard work. Usually I can get people relaxed and laughing during the talk, and teach at the same time, and then when it comes to the demonstration of mediumship it will flow. Assuming the first part went well.

Again I got positive feedback and know that at least three people left with possibly the opening of a healing between themselves and those that hurt hem.

One of the best communications was the son of someone I know. I was concerned when I realised who he was because I knew about him and his parents. So I had to ask him to give me details I did not know. He went ahead and told me about marks on his body and few other things. The evidence he gave was good as he did as I asked. It always amazes me how they respond to my requests. It was joy to pass it on. His parents received him with love and affection and not grief although I know that his passing was a great source of pain at the time.

The more I do this, the more I realise that it is all about healing really. I have also become aware that my own abilities have improved greatly since undergoing my recent trauma. I am more clear now and also able to pass on what I have learned. I also understand the feelings I get when working more clearly so all this adds to the quality of the communications. The communicators can only use the images and words and feelings I will recognize.

DRUG

The new drug seems to be doing the trick. No spasms and therefore two good nights sleep plus afternoon naps so feeling much better. Didn't realise how much lack of sleep and pain affects one's mood.

POOL

Whilst changing, I overheard two men discussing their trip to the pool. Both came from a few miles further away than I do. They were bemoaning the bad attitude of staff and lack of cleanliness at their nearest pool. Guess which pool they were discussing?

Pillow Talk

So it was back to the Doctor yet again......

These spasms I get from between my shoulders round to my right thru the ribs are painful and wake me up. I go back to sleep and wake up again till I eventually just get up and stay up at about 4am. So have been getting little sleep and what I do get is disturbed.

I have been wondering why I am still tearful and why my gut starts up and why I generally feel like crap.

DUH!

A new drug to hopefully stop the spasming. That makes 8 different drugs a day now....who new arthritis was such a pain.

It has been slowing me right down re the knitting and I am not pleased with that.

And the pillow talk? No, I was not prescribed a nightly visit from Daniel Craig. But a series of pillows. One between my legs, one in the small of my back, and the one I use for my neck. I used this just this afternoon and I must say I slept well. But then I was knackered..

I will see what happens tonight.

Oh and something else has snuck up on me - Lui. One of the puppies. He looks like he is going to really good after all! He is very well made, beautiful shape and head too. His angles are excellent. I shall hang on to him now. I am going to take him to ring craft this evening.

I got yet another call, that's 3 this week, for the pups I have left to sell but yet again from w***ers who I would not sell a stuffed toy to. it's not that I am not getting calls, I am just getting calls from unsuitable people.

Borialis

Okay, so this is the yarn that Diana (nana) gave me. It was for dyeing. I dyed it with the help of Liz Marley ( ETSY SHOP).

Liz very kindly invited me to her home and showed me how to dye it. I just chose the colours and then I 'painted' the yarn any way I fancied and Liz cooked it and then wrapped it up for me to take home.

I have knit it toe up using Addi 2mm needles, Andersson Heel and 3 x3 rib.

OH!

Last night I went and did a demonstration of mediumship. I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it. As did the audience. I got a lot of positive feedback afterwards.

I knew from the evidence I was getting and relaying that all was well. One of the communicators was really funny. He had been a bit of a hell raiser and died in one vehicle motorbike crash. He had returned last evening to speak with his wife and was telling her in no uncertain terms to get on with her life and not to 'save herself' for him. He gave various details about himself, his musical tastes, his favourite drink, and other stuff.

I realised very early this morning, whilst I sat and drank my coffee, that what I do IS important. It affects people profoundly and for the good.

I am NOT just a kept man who contributes nothing to this world and life.

EGG (this n that)

I slept really well last night-10:45 till 7am. I will go to the pool shortly.

Have done the front and back and collar of a cashmere commission. Just the sleeves and sewing to do now.

We received a letter from EGG yesterday cancelling our credit cards. No explanation that was in simple English. I called to find out more and was flatly refused any more information. They feel they do not have to explain. We have been loyal and excellent customers for almost 10 years and they have suddenly decided we are not a good risk!!!!! We have never defaulted on anything,never been late, and always pay off more than is due. And they turn around and treat us like this?

EGG SUCK!!!!

We will pay off now as soon as feasible, even though we don't have to, as I don't see why they ought to make but the minimum out of us since they think we are such a bad risk. Gees, how much money does one have to earn nowadays to be a good risk? John is in the top 5% earners! (yes that is surprising-I had no idea it took so little to be in the top 5%-no it is nowhere near the figure you would think!)

I still have 3 puppies for sale and they are 16 weeks old today. This has not happened before. I have had plenty of enquiries but all from people I would not sell a puppy to. There seem to have been a lot of idiots about.

The new pool is such a pleasure to go to. The staff are amazing. Maybe they are just normal and appear amazing because the other pool's staff are so awful. Interestingly, this pool the staff are mainly men, though the two women are really nice too. The other pool is staffed mainly by obese women of various ages. The obesity being a symptom of their unhappiness and also their attitude and bullying. However, there is still no excuse for their outrageous behaviour.

I gave it my best shot at the other pool. I really felt that by going to the new pool, I would be letting the bullies win. I am much less stressed so I guess I won. The people at the other pool will get sorted somehow with out me.