KOBLENZ PART TWO

 This is a photograph of our hotel taken from the riverboat cruise that we went on. The other pictures are views from the same riverboat trip.   

GIVING OFFENCE

It is quite a frequent occurrence for fundamentalist Christians who either read my blog, read my e-mails on a number of knitting this that I belong to, or read me on Facebook, get indignant with me and go off in an offended hump.

I communicate with anybody.  As long as they remain civil with me and respectful I will continue to do so. 

However, let me tell you something: I am deeply, deeply hurt and offended by these people. Their arrogance and their self-centredness appals me.  They simply have no idea how hurtful and offensive they are and I should think they do not care because they firmly believe they have right on their side.

I have to say that as these people would prefer that I do not exist, I don’t quite understand why they want anything to do with me.  I imagine the way I feel, the amount of trust I have these people, would not be this similar to the way a true would feel toward their ‘friends’ who held to the Nazi ideology.

My knowledge and experience of Christianity, especially the fundamentalist kind, tells me in no uncertain terms that the followers of such ideology want me and others like me to not exist.  In my case on two counts: I do not believe in their ideology and I am homosexual.  In their eyes are both these things guarantee that I am an evil person destined for Hell.

I know that some of these people would protest that they love me and do not want to see me dead but they are lying even if they are also lying to themselves.  They do not love me because they hate homosexuals.  They will say that they do not, that what they hate is homosexual behaviour.  In their ignorance they believe that one’s sexuality is purely about sex.  It is not.  If I were not homosexual, I would not be Colin.  The Colin that you and I know would not exist.  In just the same way, my heterosexual fellows cannot help but behave heterosexually! Likewise, if they were not heterosexual they would not be who they are and therefore they would not exist because they would be somebody else.

So if you hate my sexuality, then you hate me, and you prefer that I do not exist.  How on earth can you expect me to be okay with that?

Imagine, though I doubt that you can, being brought up in a society that condemns you for your feelings of love and attraction.  Imagine growing up being told that you are sick and evil just for being who you are.  I think perhaps the closest any heterosexual people can get to this feeling is those who have fallen in love with unacceptable people.  By this I mean imagine a Jew falling in love with a Muslim. A white person from a racist family falling in love with a black person, or a black person from a racist family falling in love with a nonblack person.  The people who are involved in this way KNOW that their feelings are not wrong but that does not mean that they will not suffer the pain of rejection and condemnation of those around them who disapprove.

It is very difficult to live in a world that you are not welcome in.  I know that I have a small number of true friends who truly accept me as I am.  However there are 6 billion people on this planet and the majority of them don’t want me and others like me to exist.

I wonder if anyone understands how it feels to be taught about the extermination of the Jews in the Holocaust and not also be taught that homosexuals suffered the same fate. When one digs deeper one discovers that not only was this the case but homosexual survivors were not compensated as other survivors were because we deserved it.

Really, the offence taken by some because of my attitude towards their ideology is nothing in comparison to the offence pain and suffering they cause on a daily basis to millions of people. I really could not care less.  It is their ego that causes them to feel aggrieved.  It is their choice to believe in evil.  It is their choice to be self-righteous.  It is their choice to spread hate.

When I hear the Religious Right (interestingly here fundamentalists tend toward the left politically) speaking their hatred in the name of love I am reminded of the words of the man they profess to follow;

FORGIVE THEM FATHER, FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO.

In the world today, with the rise of religious fundamentalism, I feel increasingly fearful and wonder if I will reach old age.  I fear another Holocaust.

KOBLENZ AUGUST 2010

 

The grapes were our bedstead!

ALL PHOTOGRAPHS TAKEN FROM OUR 9TH FLOOR HOTEL ROOM.

TRULY A STAR

It was such a pleasure this morning to find that I have started to receive my favourite type of comment again.  Those pathetic wicked minded bits of prose that confirm for my fragile ego that I have fans! I need so much to have confirmation of how important I am and it is good to know that I’m important enough to have twisted stalkers.  That puts me right up there with the stars.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I truly love you all.  Thank you thank you thank you.

You never know, from my lofty position, I may one day make YOUR day, and actually publish one of these delightful drops of acid.  Stay tuned.

STRANGE FOLK

Whilst I was away three people decided to choose then to upset me!  It is bad enough that they would choose to do this let alone whilst they knew I was on holiday.

One of them wrote on my Facebook wall how I should stop thinking that everyone is out to get me! Writing such nonsense on my wall is inappropriate enough but to do so when she clearly does not know me was just offensive.  Anyone who reads my blog and my e-mails know that I’m a positive optimistic person.  Quite what possessed her to write this I do not know.  I deleted it and I also de-friended her. For my trouble I then got an indignant e-mail from her! No, of course she did not look at what she’d written and thought she may have been wrong!

And then another Facebook person who got rather offensive.  Quite what a person with such bigoted religious views is doing following me I have no idea since it is clear where I stand.  One of the things that she berated me for was the use of Xtian instead of Christian. X is a symbol for Christ and has been for a very long time! The rest of her diatribe was equally based on her ignorance. She seemed completely unaware that we in Britain have been subject to terrorist attacks for 40 odd years, both from Muslims and the IRA.  She also seemed unaware that the IRA were supported financially by fundraising in the USA! This paid for the weapons they then used against us!

Finally, another person insisted on sending me anti-Muslim rhetoric which I had asked several times that she stopped doing.  She had no respect for me as was clearly shown by the fact that she continued to send me such posts.  I took her off my Facebook list, explaining why.  I had hoped that that was the end of it but then she started to harass me via my private e-mail.  I then remembered that I could block e-mail from people that I do not want to receive e-mail from.

This last person is the one that I feel regret about.  Do not misunderstand me I did the right thing in blocking her.  I just regret that she became irrational and that I had to block her.  I know that her health is not good at all.  We spoke quite a lot about her health and I tried to help her as best as I could regarding drugs.  She was prescribed drugs that I take and she was frightened to take them and I tried to reassure her.  I am sad that it had to end the way that it did.

I still am most surprised that all three of these people chose to attack me whilst I was on holiday.  I do not like to think so but this seems to me that it may well have been calculated.

One thing that irks me! I am generally a positive and optimistic person.  On the odd occasion when I have had enough of my physical pain and fatigue, and I choose to bitch about it in print, it almost always results in me being told off and having someone tell me I should not be so negative!!! WTF is it with some people? I am quite certain that if these people experienced 24/7 pain and fatigue we would not hear the end of it! Grrr!

I believe that I’m an easy-going person and I tolerate quite a lot.  However, I will not be disrespected and I will not be abused.  I have not come out of the dark hole I was in with the same willingness to accept abuse and disrespect! HTF do you think I got out of that hole?

I was asleep by 11 PM last night and I did not get up until eight today. I slept really well and painlessly. I cannot recall the last time I slept like that.  To day I have been knitting John’s cashmere/silk sweater.  I think I am going to have a period of machine knitting.  I have not been into it for quite some time and I realise I need the change from handknitting in order to get my Mojo going again.

HOME AGAIN

I had not realised that I did not blog during the final week away.  I think this is possibly the longest time I have been without blogging.

We arrived back on Saturday afternoon to a rapturous welcome from the dogs.  It was so lovely to see them again and to be home.

I very much enjoyed our trip even though I discovered that my disease has progressed to the point that trips like this are not really feasible any more.  I am not happy about this but what can I do?

The first place we stopped was Koblenz.  We left Calais at around 10:30 in the morning on Monday and arrived at our hotel at about 4 PM.  I did not drive again until approximately 11 AM on Wednesday morning when we proceeded to Dresden once again arriving around 4 PM.  The both of these drives with just over 300 miles each and I really did not anticipate any problems.  However I was left fatigued and in pain despite the drugs. Needless to say this really pissed me off. On the days of not driving all I did was wheel around in Big Daniel and yet even this I found very tiring.  On the Friday we drove 193 miles to Nuremberg and then on the Sunday 150 miles to Mannheim.  I still found it exhausting.

We think that our next holidays we will just go to Mannheim and stay there for the whole holiday.  We have friends in the area and there is also much to see that we have not yet seen.  I admit to finding the idea that I cannot continue with our road trips upsetting but I have to face facts.  I have been planning to visit friends in Sweden with a bitch for mating but I am not at all sure that I can do that now as I am fairly confident that physically it is now beyond me.  Bugger!

I went for my swim this morning the first swim in just over two weeks and it knackered me to say the least.  I was very surprised at how stiff I was. I knew I would not find it easy but the degree of difficulty took me by surprise. I am sure that by the end of the week it will be back to normal.

I also discovered that the spasms I get when I am asleep I also get when I am driving or at any time when I spent too long with my back against something.  I am going to see my doctor about this to see if there is something that can be done about this.  I do not mean in the way of drugs as I know that that will not help.  I need some sort of padding.

This is my German knitting friend Nana. The photograph was taken outside a yarn shop in Heidelberg. This is Lia and myself inside Lia’s house where Lia is helping me wind my balls.

 

NUREMBERG

It has been a good day in Nuremberg. Very tiring. Cold. Good though. Almost had an accident going up the hill to the Kaisers Palace. It became very steep and the cobbled ‘road’ developed a camber and I lost control of Big Daniel and very nearly toppled over or went speeding down hill. John stopped me. This rather put us off and I was annoyed as we were told there was disabled access and this was not it! We made our back and I saw a tunnel and I said to John that we should see where it led. It led to a road and I followed it because I had a hunch it would lead to the Palace. It did, from the other side, which was already level with the highest part so all we had to do was go over a walkway over the ‘moat’.

I have done some walking. Mainly because riding in Big Daniel on cobbles is rather disconcerting and becomes uncomfortable quickly.

We had a very good fish lunch at a chain we have eaten at before called NordSee which serves only fish meals. Fresh and well cooked. Such a shame we have nothing to compare in the UK unless one thinks fish and chips and mushy peas is good cooking. Here we had to choose form various vegetables and sauces. All fresh.

Saw a hunk of a man. About 6ft 4”. In cycling gear which he filled out very well.He was dark haired and tanned, hair swept backwards.  Very handsome and all male. Italian looking I suppose, and with the most amazing legs and rear. Not ripped, which I do not find attractive at all. I think muscles look better with a certain amount of body fat. The ripped lean look is too hard and cold for my taste.

Tomorrow we move onto Mannheim and ‘home’. It is like going home because we have stayed several times before. We know what to expect, they know us, the room is large and well equipped. I am sure I will take a nap as soon as we arrive because I will feel okay to. Like I said, it will be like being at home. Our friends Lia and Lui and Nan also live in the area so we will be meeting up at some point.

I have discovered something about myself I had not noticed before. Prior to my disease progressing to this point, I was easy going about where we went, what happened. I was spontaneous. We have had several holidays where we just go into the car, went thru the Chunnel, and then just drove around, staying where and when we needed to. We saw a load of amazing places. Now I can’t do that. We have to plan ahead. I also cannot do as much. In fact this trip has shown me in no uncertain terms that I am further down the path than I would like. We will have to re-consider future trips. I am ill and exhausted today, though having just been in my room for the last 3 . 5 hrs has helped me rally.

As usual, I digress. I have discovered that the way I cope with my disease is thru careful planning and knowing what to expect. When things do not go plan, I get upset very quickly. Almost to the point of panic. I have felt almost guilty about my reaction, seeing as that of a spoiled child. I tend to think the worst of myself. To be fair to myself, it isn’t anything of the sort. I am independent and do not like, let expect, being waited upon hand and foot. I get exasperated with John at times for being too helpful. Anyway, when plans go awry and my needs are either not met or threaten not to be, OR I feel I am at the mercy of others, then I am very flustered. I didn’t know this until this trip and specifically when we arrived in Dresden where things were not as expected straight away. Once I was able to think around the new situation and assure my safety, I relaxed again. In fact until I wrote that word, I had appreciated that this was the root of my planning-my safety. I just realised why. My disease makes me vulnerable. Not just in feeling vulnerable, but actually being vulnerable. (I no longer pick up hitch-hikers for this reason-I could not defend myself if needed.)

I can’t believe a whole week has passed since we left home.

What this trip has shown me is that we could not do Barcelona as I cannot drive that far in only 2-3 days. This trip has shown me that my disease has progressed enough to make even this trip difficult on me. Not just pain wise but sheer fatigue. Today, I got quite shock when at the point I felt really bad, i took a good whack of Morphine and I did not feel any better. I may have had less pain but I was still feeling wretched. We are going to re-visit the idea of cruising. The river cruise we did in Koblenz was nice and neither of us got sea-sick and the river cruisers do not have the stability of ocean liners. We are both perturbed by the notion of being locked up with a load of people we do not know and not being able to get away. Yet, I am now seriously concerned that we have to find a different way of taking a break as this road trip stuff is getting difficult.

THEY ARE OUT TO GET ME!!!!

I am having a good break here in Germany. Am writing this room our hotel room in Nuremberg. We arrived here about 2pm and will be here all day tomorrow and night, leaving for Mannheim on Sunday.

The drive here was atrocious! Very very wet. It rained so hard we had to slow to 20mph and could not see in front at all. The last time I experienced rain like that was in 2002 when we drove to Barcelona. Fortunately, by the time we got here to Nuremberg, the sun was out.Tomorrow the forecast says it will only be 14c!(but dry). As long as it is dry, its okay.

I just don’t know what it is with some people. Why do they feel they can judge a person they do not know? Write to them, telling them what they think or telling them how to live or to think? I get such emails frequently. I just deleted two people off my friends list on Facebook. For two different reasons. The first because they showed they had no respect for me by continuing to send me propaganda regarding their political beliefs which I had asked them not to do. I could live with not agreeing, one has to, but not with disrespect. If one doesn’t have respect for me, then one can f*ck off!

The second person was even more unbelievable. I do not even know who this is  (as I don’t the one above either but she seemed to know me so I never said I didn’t recall her!). Anyway, she wrote on my wall that she thought I was the type of person who thought everyone was out to get me and I was negative. Clearly not a person I want in my life. Mainly because they have not taken any time to assess their own point of view. If they had they would know that their point of view was way off base. Anyone who knows me, knows I am an optimist and generally happy, despite the odds!

It is not often that I whinge on about my day to day living problems, 24/7pain and the challenges presented by disability. Not even the boorish ignorant behaviour of my fellows. There are of course exceptions and when I have had enough I let rip here. This makes me human not a negative, miserable paranoid individual who thinks you are all out to get me!

It seems to me that this person has issues, which they do not recognise, and instead choose to offend others by projecting their crap onto them. That is what I think though of course cannot know as I don’t know them and only have their impudent messages to me to go by.

Whatever the root cause, I will not accept the unacceptable and I will not have people in my life who disrespect me. To write to me, not knowing me, and judging me is disrespectful! I don’t do that and do not expect others to do it to me.

I really, really, really enjoy the type of trip  we are on. I love to see knew places. I find people fascinating. I have this feeling, which i have tried to express to John unsuccessfully, about how I feel sad that I will leave this world with only having met a tiny fraction of the people in it and knowing NOTHING about all but a few. As it type this I am aware that there are people living a luxuriously wealthy life materially, that others are barely living at all, that others are living in the wilds of Borneo and the Amazon, happy and healthy, with none of what I would consider necessary! I see people in the hotel in the breakfast room and I want to know about them. I want to know the people I see on tv who live in mud huts in a jungle somewhere. All of us seem very different but I know we are not. We all FEEL.

I have as usual taken many photographs. I will blog them once home.

I have been knitting my aran sweater whenever we have stopped to eat or drink. I have had many comments. It is wonderful to know that even when one cannot understand the language one can still get meaning over. I have had Germans, Italians, and unknown tell me how much they like my aran and how they are impressed by the small gauge. When i show them the socks on the needles, they all look very puzzled! Toe up? One needle? Are you Martian? I learned from one German lady in Koblenz that my way of knitting is called Catholic! I do get quite a kick meeting other knitters and knowing that they do just as I do-approach other people who KIP, regardless of how their partners may feel about it! ;-)

I have not bought any yarn at all so far and am unlikely to though I am planning on buying from a source of undyed/white sock yarn if it is still there at this German place I know.

Regia has a whole load of new colourways I have noticed, and Lana Grossa too.

I have finished The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and am now reading the second novel in the trilogy, The Girl Who Played With Fire. I have really enjoyed the books but I don’t the ‘heroine’s’ behaviour acceptable at all. I am not sure why the author has drawn a character like this as an abuse survivor. To me she is not a survivor because she lacks empathy, is cruel, is condemnatory, and behaves with impunity, excusing her self according to others’ behaviour. This is a VICTIM not a survivor. She uses people. She is very clearly damaged and it is probable that her lack of empathy is down to her abuse BUT don’t make her a heroine because of it.  (Perhaps my current opinion will change as I read on and get to the end of this trilogy. I hope I am given cause to reappraise her and the author of her.) Other than my distaste or this character, I am enjoying the books immensely. Real page turners.(Oh one mistake-he says of a character that her Asian looks are from her Hong Kong mother and her blue eyes from her Swedish father. This is not genetically possible UNLESS the mother carries the recessive blue eye gene and she could only do that if one of her ancestors was blue eyed. Not likely. He also says she has dimples where her parents do not and, whilst not 100% sure, as far as I know if one has dimples(chin etc) then one parent must also have them.)

I have been managing pain and pain meds well on this trip, which makes a big difference. I am resting enough. I have learned that Barcelona is probably, realistically, far too far for me to drive in 2-3days. After driving 317 miles after a day of no driving on this trip, I was very tired, sore and distraught. I get distraught when I am exhausted and sore and not eating right as well. Barcelona is 1000 miles and I would need 5 days to drive there with adequate rest. Just writing it seems silly to me, I have done it in one and half days before..but my disease has progressed way beyond that no matter how I may tell myself otherwise! Stubborn sod that I am.

THEY ARE OUT TO GET ME!!!!

I am having a good break here in Germany. Am writing this room our hotel room in Nuremberg. We arrived here about 2pm and will be here all day tomorrow and night, leaving for Mannheim on Sunday.

The drive here was atrocious! Very very wet. It rained so hard we had to slow to 20mph and could not see in front at all. The last time I experienced rain like that was in 2002 when we drove to Barcelona. Fortunately, by the time we got here to Nuremberg, the sun was out.Tomorrow the forecast says it will only be 14c!(but dry). As long as it is dry, its okay.

I just don’t know what it is with some people. Why do they feel they can judge a person they do not know? Write to them, telling them what they think or telling them how to live or to think? I get such emails frequently. I just deleted two people off my friends list on Facebook. For two different reasons. The first because they showed they had no respect for me by continuing to send me propaganda regarding their political beliefs which I had asked them not to do. I could live with not agreeing, one has to, but not with disrespect. If one doesn’t have respect for me, then one can f*ck off!

The second person was even more unbelievable. I do not even know who this is  (as I don’t the one above either but she seemed to know me so I never said I didn’t recall her!). Anyway, she wrote on my wall that she thought I was the type of person who thought everyone was out to get me and I was negative. Clearly not a person I want in my life. Mainly because they have not taken any time to assess their own point of view. If they had they would know that their point of view was way off base. Anyone who knows me, knows I am an optimist and generally happy, despite the odds!

It is not often that I whinge on about my day to day living problems, 24/7pain and the challenges presented by disability. Not even the boorish ignorant behaviour of my fellows. There are of course exceptions and when I have had enough I let rip here. This makes me human not a negative, miserable paranoid individual who thinks you are all out to get me!

It seems to me that this person has issues, which they do not recognise, and instead choose to offend others by projecting their crap onto them. That is what I think though of course cannot know as I don’t know them and only have their impudent messages to me to go by.

Whatever the root cause, I will not accept the unacceptable and I will not have people in my life who disrespect me. To write to me, not knowing me, and judging me is disrespectful! I don’t do that and do not expect others to do it to me.

I really, really, really enjoy the type of trip  we are on. I love to see knew places. I find people fascinating. I have this feeling, which i have tried to express to John unsuccessfully, about how I feel sad that I will leave this world with only having met a tiny fraction of the people in it and knowing NOTHING about all but a few. As it type this I am aware that there are people living a luxuriously wealthy life materially, that others are barely living at all, that others are living in the wilds of Borneo and the Amazon, happy and healthy, with none of what I would consider necessary! I see people in the hotel in the breakfast room and I want to know about them. I want to know the people I see on tv who live in mud huts in a jungle somewhere. All of us seem very different but I know we are not. We all FEEL.

I have as usual taken many photographs. I will blog them once home.

I have been knitting my aran sweater whenever we have stopped to eat or drink. I have had many comments. It is wonderful to know that even when one cannot understand the language one can still get meaning over. I have had Germans, Italians, and unknown tell me how much they like my aran and how they are impressed by the small gauge. When i show them the socks on the needles, they all look very puzzled! Toe up? One needle? Are you Martian? I learned from one German lady in Koblenz that my way of knitting is called Catholic! I do get quite a kick meeting other knitters and knowing that they do just as I do-approach other people who KIP, regardless of how their partners may feel about it! ;-)

I have not bought any yarn at all so far and am unlikely to though I am planning on buying from a source of undyed/white sock yarn if it is still there at this German place I know.

I have finished The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and am now reading the second novel in the trilogy, The Girl Who Played With Fire. I have really enjoyed the books but I don’t the ‘heroine’s’ behaviour acceptable at all. I am not sure why the author has drawn a character like this as an abuse survivor. To me she is not a survivor because she lacks empathy, is cruel, is condemnatory, and behaves with impunity, excusing her self according to others’ behaviour. This is a VICTIM not a survivor. She uses people. She is very clearly damaged and it is probable that her lack of empathy is down to her abuse BUT don’t make her a heroine because of it.  (Perhaps my current opinion will change as I read on and get to the end of this trilogy. I hope I am given cause to reappraise her and the author of her.) Other than my distaste or this character, I am enjoying the books immensely. Real page turners.(Oh one mistake-he says of a character that her Asian looks are from her Hong Kong mother and her blue eyes from her Swedish father. This is not genetically possible UNLESS the mother carries the recessive blue eye gene and she could only do that if one of her ancestors was blue eyed. Not likely. He also says she has dimples where her parents do not and, whilst not 100% sure, as far as I know if one has dimples(chin etc) then one parent must also have them.)

I have been managing pain and pain meds well on this trip, which makes a big difference. I am resting enough. I have learned that Barcelona is probably, realistically, far too far for me to drive in 2-3days. After driving 317 miles after a day of no driving on this trip, I was very tired, sore and distraught. I get distraught when I am exhausted and sore and not eating right as well. Barcelona is 1000 miles and I would need 5 days to drive there with adequate rest. Just writing it seems silly to me, I have done it in one and half days before..but my disease has progressed way beyond that no matter how I may tell myself otherwise! Stubborn sod that I am.

HIGH MAINTENANCE

Today has not been good. I detest being high maintenance.It embarrasses me. Apart from the incident with the nasty Police who nearly caused us to crash at high speed, EVERY meal I have ordered has been smothered in SUGAR!!!!!

We have never driven this far east in Germany before and it seems they have a thing for sweet dressings on everything. I thought I was safe with chicken and veg or salad or steak and veg/salad. No. All came smothered in sweet dressings. Tonight I managed to get the chef to understand I wanted NO DRESSING at all on any part of my meal.

This is now Dresden. Not gone well so far. Hotel NOT as advertised, NOT anywhere near centre, NO facilities other than food and WiFI. Room not a/c so humid. No way for wheelchair to enter except thru basement.  All I wanted to do was go home but of course no way can I do a long drive again for at least a couple of days.

I am learning more about how my disease is progressing. I am really upset tonight. I hate that John is affected by it, it really p's me off to be dependent and limited. We are really going to have to think thru future trips. Like I think I need two days of no driving between each drive, not one. I am just blathering on now. I just came close to,losing it earlier and just felt ashamed of myself and my needs. It would be so much easier if 1. pain killers also stopped fatigue and 2. if I could eat grain/pulses/sugar. Given the choice, I choose to keep the disease and get rid of the food allergies. It really f8cks me off. It would be so simple to just order what was on the menu. For John and for me. Poor John gets upset too when he realises I am not being catered to and he does his best for me. I just wish he didn't have to, that it could all be stress free.

At the lunch restaurant, up a long flight of stairs, there was a locked lift for handicapped. The only way to use the lift was to go UP the stairs to get the f8cking key! Morons. Every handicapped loo was locked at every stop. THEN THEY SMOTHERED MY FOOD IN THAT SUGAR DRESSING.

When one is driving several hundred miles, one can hardly just say 'hey, let's just try the next place.' No idea where to will be or what it will be like. Tomorrow we will eat out of supermarkets. John refuses to not join me in that which makes me feel bad. I know it's cos he loves me but really I wish he would eat normally. I KNOW he would prefer to sit in a restaurant and eat a meal and not eat out of plastic bag in the hotel room. Do I sound ungrateful? I am not, just feeling shamed at having this damned condition.

GERMAN TRIP SO FAR

The drive from Calais was uneventful and smooth. Although the distance was more or less the same as from home to Edinburgh(over 300 miles) it was far less stressful and quicker because the roads are no where near as crowded. Belgium is always busy, busy, busy, lord knows why, but even so, it did not hinder us greatly. Strangely, as soon as one leaves Belgium into whichever country, the traffic disappears. Weird.

We arrived at our Hotel in Koblenz. We are on the ninth floor. Now this would have a been a problem for me a few years ago but not any more. Have no idea why my epiphany of 2007 after a terrible ‘dark night of the soul’ which lasted 6 mths, should not just bring about the realisation that there had never been anything wrong with me but with those who abused me, should also take away many of my phobias.

Wandering around last night, I saw a Goth man with long flowing blonde hair. He was really quite attractive and other worldly. Reminded me of Vampire Eric in True Blood before he got his hair cut (big mistake me thinks).

I forgot to mention that we met the most delightful and precocious baby girl in the Calsi Ibis. She was only nine moths. She was crawling on the floor in reception and as soon as she saw me coming along on Big Daniel she crawled toward me. She was fascinated and used her hands to feel the wheels, back and front, the wiring. She was really absorbing it all and using her hands and she also studied me. Her father came to take her away and I told him she was okay. We got talking. I knew straight away he was German, and educated, because he sounds just like our German friend Lui who is educated and a teacher and speaks English more poshly than I do. Anyway, I was most impressed by this baby girl, so eager to explore the world and I am certain  she has great intelligence.

At lunch today, we ate outside and unfortunately we were plagued by flies. The waitress thought it may have been that we both ate fish meals (seafood tagliatelle for John and seafood salad for me). Whatever, it spoiled our lunch. There was also a baby girl here too. We couldn’t figure out if was special or just had unusual looks.

It has not been overly warm, about 70 and , for me, a bit chilly in the breeze. No rain though. Yesterday we had plenty of rain. It seems that most of northern Europe is having the same crap summer that the UK is having.

Apart from not sleeping well, which really surprises me, I am doing okay. The last few times, since 07, I have had no trouble sleeping. I am sleeping but waking every hour or so and dreaming vividly. I think it will settle down. i do hope so. i hate closing my eyes and going straight into High Definition Cinemascope. It is tiring.

 

JOHN'S SOCKS

These were knitted for John using 2mm Knit Picks Circulars. I used my own Andersson Toe Up Construction Method, utilising a 1 x1 gusset and the Andersson Heel Mach II (revised). The yarn is Knitman's Kitchen 75% SW Merino 25% Nylon, 425m / 100g. I am very pleased without eh way the colours have pooled. Much to my surprise John asked for this yarn when he saw it and he too loves the pooling. I don't know what is going on with him but my 'grey man' has recently started to buy and wear colours!

DRESS SENSE

I had to see the doctor yesterday because I realised I did not have enough tramadol for the holiday.  My own doctor is on holiday so I had to see a man called Dr Pearce.  I noted that he was wearing a very nice tie. I own the exact same tie. However, he has rather put me off it because he wore his tie with a totally inappropriate shirt! The tie is a beautiful lilac with a really nice flower pattern on it in deep colours.  He wore a red and white striped shirt with it!

It is cold here again today and I have just put the heating on.  I did this yesterday and by the afternoon the temperature outside was in the 80s(27c).  I imagine today is going to be somewhat similar.

I am trying to decide what to take with me when we go away.  I have sorted out the shirts and T-shirts and nightwear that I am taking and the trousers that I am taking but I am somewhat flummoxed as to the hats and shoes.  I cannot really take a lot of either so I need to make sure that what I do take will more or less go with everything.  I have just realised that I have not even begun to think about jackets.  Gosh in the old days when I was so into hiding myself it was really simple because I just took a couple of pairs of sweat pants and sweatshirts!  I cannot believe I used to dress like that!

When I was talking about this with John last night and we were talking about what needed to go into the car I included the large suitcase and then I thought oh and then there is the camera bag and my knitting bag and …and he started to laugh. He said when have we ever taken just one suitcase?!

I am really looking forward to this break.  Germany is such a beautiful country and there is lots to see.  There are many very old places and there are museums and castles and galleries.  We will spend the first two nights in Koblenz and then we will move on to Dresden for four nights and then back south-west to Mannheim.  Dresden is the furthest east we have been.  What we will probably do is set the Sat Nav for part of the journey so that it will not take us on the autobahn.  This way we usually see lots of delightful little villages and nice scenery.  How long we do it for depends on how long it is taking.  I prefer to drive only in daylight and besides which we do not want to get to the hotels late because we have to eat and unpack and all that sort of thing.

To  Remote Knitter: the school you refer to is Bourne School, the grammar school.  This had a very long staircase up the hell.  Alexandra junior school did not.  I do not know where you live but we lived at 34 Goodwood Road Sussex Gardens Estate.  1967 to 1971. Putting aside the horrible stuff, I loved Singapore. It was very exciting. The sounds and the smells and the people and homes made of palm leaves. The food.  The stalls on the side of the road where you could have a meal or buy fruit drinks in plastic bags and with straws.  I used to play in the jungle and I was not afraid of the snakes and knew that if I saw one to just keep still until it went away.  Now I cannot even see a snake on the television without lifting my feet up off the ground! I still check my shoes before I put them on I turned upside down give them a good shake just in case there are snakes or scorpions in them!  The very thought makes me shudder.  I was much braver when I was a boy!  I do not think I started to become afraid until after I realised how much danger I was in from my father.

Still none of my girls are in season.  Not even Whitney who is usually on the button.  I want to breed both Carly and Edna but preferably not at the same time.  However I may not be given the choice as it will not surprise me if Carly and Edna decide to come in season when Whitney does as girls usually synchronise their seasons the same way that women synchronise their periods when they live together.

I am very pleased to report that the upgrade of my Dragon voice recognition software does actually work much better than the previous version.

DELIGHTFULLY WEIRD

I am very pleased with the results of taking the anti-inflammatories.  By the second dose I was in much less pain.  Today is my third day on them and I cannot believe how well I am doing and how well I feel and how my mood has improved.  It would appear that my mood of the last few weeks was being caused by the amount of pain I was in!

It is very difficult to explain that when one is in 24/7 pain it can be very difficult to know just how severe that pain is. It is not acute pain like when you break a bone. It is much more like toothache which just gets worse and worse and worse and because it is always there one loses awareness of it but that does not mean one does not feel crap!

I have been taking more medication and worrying about that even though I have been told that I ought not to worry and to take as much morphine as I need.  It is easier said than done.

Anyway as soon as I started to take the anti-inflammatories I halved my intake of tramadol and have only taken morphine twice.  And my mood is back to its normal positive self.

The downside is that I cannot take anti-inflammatories for longer than one week! Drugs like aspirin, Ibuprofen, Nurofen, etc are DANGEROUS.  For everybody.  They can damage your kidneys and your heart.  They also increase the likelihood of stroke.  They need to be taken as a course just like antibiotics in order for their anti-inflammatory property to work.  So when I have finished this course I will not be able to do this again several months although hopefully the effects will last for quite some time before I am back to where I started.

I went swimming this morning and I did not take any morphine beforehand because I did not need it.  However, much to my surprise my swim was very difficult I felt as if I were swimming in treacle and my left arm went numb which I have not experienced the quite some time.  Still, it is better than pain.  My neck felt strange when I got out of the pool and 30 minutes ago I had to pop a morphine pill because my neck have become really painful and I was not able to move it! I think that is weird! The neck problem and my left arm going numb was one of the very first symptoms I ever experienced years ago now which alerted me and my doctors to my problem.

Bodies are very strange things!

Before I forget, I dyed five hanks of yarn yesterday afternoon. Not only was I able to do it without pain but I also felt really motivated to.  All this because of the humble aspirin!

BUSY BUSY BUSY

I will be spending this week, getting together the clothes I need to take with me for our trip. I am really looking forward to going away.

Yesterday I started to take 600 mg of aspirin three times a day.  The effect was almost immediate.  I feel better all over, and my feet are especially much less painful.  The trouble is, anti-inflammatories are not good for one’s heart or kidneys.  I already have CHD and higher BP.  Of course my BP is kept low with drugs.  However, I retain water very quickly (I have already gained four pounds since yesterday) and this is not good. I can only take the aspirin at these doses for five days. Anti-inflammatories need to be used as a course, just like one would with antibiotics. Hopefully this will dial down my body’s inflammation for the time that we are away.  I am already needing less of the other drugs, and the last two doses, I have not taken any morphine and have only taken half of my usual amount of tramadol.

We took Tukka and Mary-Grace into town yesterday, so that they get used to the hustle and bustle of people and traffic.  They really did very well.

I am enjoying the book, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  So much so that I read for a couple of hours yesterday afternoon instead of my usual reading only in bed when I retire for the night.

I have almost finished knitting John’s socks, being well up the leg on both. He also likes one of the yarns that I cannot sell because the yarn has not been spun properly, and it is given the dye a two tone effect. Recently, John has begun to wear colour! it started with him buying colourful T-shirts and shirts, and then underwear.  Now he is wanting more colourful socks.  I am not going to complain as it is much more interesting to knit with my more colourful yarns!

STRANGE

This is my class of 1970, Mr Williams was the teacher. This is Alexandra Junior School, Singapore. I found this online. It makes me feel very strange. I am 4th from left, back row.

It gives me a yearning for the time and place yet this the place my clear memories of abuse start. This is where my father first almost killed me. It is also where I was accosted when playing in the jungle by a man who then sexually abused me. Whilst I am normally quite upfront about details, in the case of the sexual abuse, I do not feel it appropriate to describe what he did. I can only describe how he ripped my world , such as it was, apart. My father had been abusing me emotionally and physically for a long time by this stage but it was here that he came close to killing me. I was about 10 yrs old. In one of his rages he threw a case of books at me which hit the side of my head, pushing the other side of my head into the corner of an ornate coffee table leg. I was almost knocked out. I recall my mother leaning over me as I lay on the cough whilst she used a cold compress on my wound, all the while blaming me for what my father had done. If only I could be a good boy. This same woman slapped me and called me disgusting when I finally plucked up the courage to tell her what the man in the jungle had done. I only told her because the little girl next door had been accosted too so I thought I ought to say something. Needless to say I never told her anything again and that was the first of many times I was sexually abused. The next series of abuse was by a teacher who was a child pornographer. Nothing compared to my dads hatred of me and his continuing and worsening violence.

BORED STUPID

I think I have come to the conclusion that I am bored and this is what has been causing me to feel the way I have been feeling recently.  I read someone’s comment to another person on Facebook and it was as if that comment had been written to me.  It spoke about boredom and how we need change from our everyday lives.  As soon as I read it I realised that that is just how I feel.  I have not felt excited about getting up out of bed for quite a while.I have not felt excited about knitting yet more socks. In fact, I have not really felt excited about much except my coming holiday.

I have plenty to do until then like I have to sort out the clothes I am going to take and do a lot of washing.  I think also I am going to do some dyeing because that does excite me still.

The trouble with boredom and getting into a rut, it can be self-perpetuating.  The more bored you get the less inclined one feels to do anything! Nothing to do but shake myself out of this and get on with some dyeing and I also think I want to get on my knitting machines. I have an idea for a waist coat.  Whatever I think if I start to play around I will soon get my self absorbed in it.

For my own record: sleeping is becoming more disturbed because of pain.  Severe pain in my rib cage and / or my hips wakes me and I have to change my position. Changing position is difficult and painful until I have done it.  I immediately get relief then and I fall back to sleep until the next bout wakes me up and I have to change sides again.

BETTER DAYS

Since I wrote my last piece I have felt much better!  I woke up yesterday and I just knew it was going to be a better day.  Today has started off well as well.  I do not feel as if I am trying to move in treacle. May be just the act of writing how I was feeling was enough to purge the feeling?

I am really looking forward to our holiday.  We only have about 10 days until we leave.  I really enjoy driving and I am looking forward to the long drives.  I have split the driving so that on day one I have 200 miles to do, on day two 350 miles, days three, none, days four 350 miles.  Then three days of no driving followed by one day 350 miles, followed by four days of no driving, followed by one day of 400 miles, and then finally 160 miles home on the last day.  I am confident that this will not be overtaxing for me.  (John does not drive.)

There is still no sign of any of the girls being in season but I am very confident that Whitney will come in in the next week or so as she always does.  However I am not going to breathe and I do want to be both Carly and Edna and of course they are showing no signs! Edna will be mated to Luque and Carly will be visiting a friend’s dog.

I have just finished 1 foot off John socks using my own dyed yarn.  I died this yarn using various shades of blue and much to my surprise John said he liked it and would wear a pair of socks made from it.  I am half way up the other foot.  I admit my socks simultaneously so that I do not have what is known as Second Sock Syndrome.

STRUGGLING

I am struggling right now.  I do not know why.  I am finding it difficult to deal with my physical problems and I am finding it difficult to deal with food issues.

Up until now I think I have handled by 24 seven pain problem really well and whilst my acceptance that I must avoid certain foods has not been 100% it has mostly been successful.

For the last couple of weeks I have been struggling to get out of bed.  I have been struggling to eat right.  I have been struggling to stay positive.

I just cannot put my finger on why.

I am looking forward to our holiday and maybe John is right and that is all I need is a change but I am not always going to be able to just go away so I am not so sure that this is all I need.

Dog showing has lost its edge to me right now. I do not think it is just because I was so disillusioned and angry when I discovered the relationship between the judge and the winner of Best Bitch(BCC) at a particular show. it might also be that winning does not have the shine that it did.  I know that I am itching to campaign a different dog that I have bred myself. I do not think it can be just about being disillusioned with a judge and a competitor both of whom I had respect for prior to this incident.  The reason being is that I know and have experience of other less than honourable judging.

I do wonder if my physical pain has increased because of the low pressure we have been sitting under the quite some time now.  Last night I was regretting ever having started on painkillers because I somehow think I am much more aware of my pain now when the painkillers wear off.  Perhaps this too is bollocks.

I have to put a lot of effort into keeping my weight down and into keeping myself mobile.  This is not a case of putting the effort in a few hours a week but put in the effort in on a daily basis, all day everyday.

I feel tired.  I want to sleep a lot and I do.  Though my sleep is disturbed of course because of pain.  I do get a really good night’s sleep if I take a sleeping pill on top of everything else I take but I cannot do this on a regular basis because sleeping pills are addictive and they lose their effect as the body gets used to them.

Often when I write and I do not know what is going on with me the act of writing will answer for me.  I cannot say that I feel any wiser now than I did when I first started to write this.

I do not know if any one will understand what I mean that this down feeling is accompanied by a bloated feeling.  I hate feeling bloated.  Even when my stomach is empty it is feeling bloated.No, I have not developed a new health problem.  I have suffered from this bloated business for as long as I can remember.

Even though I have continued to do the things that we normally do like go out to eat go shopping just all the normal things that I do, it has taken effort to do them and I just feel like I want to be in bed all the time.

It would be great, really great, to just be able to sit and doing absolutely nothing, not even knit, and watch TV.  I am unable to do this because I always have to f*cking move. it has been on my mind a lot recently how much I would love to curl up in bed and read or even on the settee and read.  Pain stops me being able to do this plus I do not read very long before I start wanting to go to sleep!

So I guess it is true to say a lot of things are rather pissing me off right now and yet I cannot find a solution.  I am used to having the occasional day when I feel like there is that I have felt like this for a few weeks now and that reads to me suspiciously like something is going on that I need to address but I just cannot figure out what.

(not so) FREE WILL

If you are a functioning human being you cannot help but have come across the idea that we all have free will and as a result we are all personally responsible for the outcome of our free will.

Yet just how free is our will?

Generally speaking we are free to choose or so we are told.  If this is the case then our free will is limited to what we know. We cannot choose an option we are ignorant of.

That there were other options open to me other than those options I had been taught was a shock to me.  At first I could not believe that there was a different way to think than the way I had been taught.  I found that seeing what I had been taught as merely other people’s ideas was so revolutionary for me it took me quite a while to accept it as true. Once I did accept it, I began to change and free myself from my past.

I grew and changed just by coming to understand that there were more options available for me to choose from than I had been led to believe.On those days when the memory of my own behaviour in the past causes me shame in the present, I remind myself that I did not know different.  The shame mainly revolves around having people in my life that were damaging to me and my not understanding the concept of boundaries.  This is one of the most damaging aspects of physical and sexual abuse: having no boundaries.  By this I mean that as other people violated my boundaries from such a young age and so frequently, I was not aware of boundaries either for myself or others.

We will never know all of the choices available to us.  If we make what is ultimately a wrong choice how can we be accountable for that as it could well be that all of the choices we were aware of to choose from were wrong?

It is common to refer to addiction as a disease.I do not know if it is a disease or not.I do know that addiction is not a choice. Imagine wanting with all your might to not do something and still know that you will. I have often heard people who smoke condemn junkies as they take yet another drag on a fag. Likewise, fat people bemoaning the people who cannot control their drinking, as they stuff yet another piece of food into their mouth.

If you are addicted to something, stopping on your own without radical change in yourself, is like vowing to never again urinate! Often people who are addicted, appeared to recover to the unknowledgeable, whereas all they have done is switched to a more acceptable addiction.  Usually one that is not especially visible! I have seen alcoholics stop drinking, sitting at meetings saying how wonderful sobriety is, as they grow to 300lbs.

From my own personal experience with OCD behaviour and anorexia/bulimia I know just how powerless one is to prevent the behaviours that cause so much damage.  I also know how much support and love and understanding is needed in order for one to express what is inside.  I also know that generally speaking this is not available.  Again speaking from personal experience, the psychiatric profession seems to think that the expression of pain is an illness worthy of heavy medication.  Dare to express fear anger and rage sadness or grief and you are likely to be locked up and drugged.  Effectively everybody around you wants you to stop doing that which is making them feel so uncomfortable, i.e. addictive behaviour, yet they block the means of recovery.

Fortunately for me, I was able to experience for several months of 95, 99 and finally for six months toward the end of 2007, the letting go of what was inside me without anybody trying to stop me.  Without exaggeration, I cried daily for hours for months.  The final cleansing, in 2007, took five months and was by far the worst.  My GP and John allowed this to happen because they knew that it must.  Previously I had been locked up and drugged up whenever these feelings showed themselves.

As a result, my own addictive behaviour rarely impinges on my life.  I no longer take hours to be able to leave my home because I have to keep checking that everything is locked and turned off.  This used to be so draining that I just preferred not to leave home. I cannot say that I no longer starve myself or eat too much.  Both are coping tools that I learned and are ingrained in me.  Having said that it is rare that either become a problem now.  In stressful times both good and bad I have to be careful and be aware.  I also rarely now have nightmares or night terrors. I was just speaking to John about this at the weekend because in the film we were watching somebody kept being woken by somebody else’s night terrors.  This was my poor John.  It got so bad he spent nine months sleeping on the couch. Not so much so that he could sleep but to save himself from being attacked.

Anyway back to my original thoughts!  I do not believe that any of us are as free in our will as we like to think that we are.  As the quality of our lives pretty much depends upon the choices that we make it behoves us all to learn as much as we can.  Before all other knowledge it is of the utmost importance that we learn about ourselves.  Even the best educated of us can make the wrong choices because we are ignorant of the most important thing: our self.  Much of what we believe and therefore much of how we behave, is not based upon our knowledge, but upon how we feel.  As a minor example but I think the clear one consider the following: there was a man at the dog shows whom I did not like. He was given an appointment to judge our breed and I refused to enter under him up until the last minute. As I have learned to do, I did eventually ask myself what it was about this person that I  so intensely disliked as I could not blame it upon the way he treated me as I have had very little interaction with him. Even then I could not come up with an answer and my feeling remained.  One day he happened to be walking toward me at a dog show.  Instead of actually seeing him I saw somebody from my past who had caused me a great deal of pain, who had almost killed me.  My antipathy toward this man immediately melted away because I understood that it was not him at all that was the problem but myself and my unconscious memories. We all experience such things but generally we do not question ourselves.

If we look at the world that we live in we can see staring us in the face and where our ignorance leads.