Monday, August 09, 2010


I am struggling right now.  I do not know why.  I am finding it difficult to deal with my physical problems and I am finding it difficult to deal with food issues.

Up until now I think I have handled by 24 seven pain problem really well and whilst my acceptance that I must avoid certain foods has not been 100% it has mostly been successful.

For the last couple of weeks I have been struggling to get out of bed.  I have been struggling to eat right.  I have been struggling to stay positive.

I just cannot put my finger on why.

I am looking forward to our holiday and maybe John is right and that is all I need is a change but I am not always going to be able to just go away so I am not so sure that this is all I need.

Dog showing has lost its edge to me right now. I do not think it is just because I was so disillusioned and angry when I discovered the relationship between the judge and the winner of Best Bitch(BCC) at a particular show. it might also be that winning does not have the shine that it did.  I know that I am itching to campaign a different dog that I have bred myself. I do not think it can be just about being disillusioned with a judge and a competitor both of whom I had respect for prior to this incident.  The reason being is that I know and have experience of other less than honourable judging.

I do wonder if my physical pain has increased because of the low pressure we have been sitting under the quite some time now.  Last night I was regretting ever having started on painkillers because I somehow think I am much more aware of my pain now when the painkillers wear off.  Perhaps this too is bollocks.

I have to put a lot of effort into keeping my weight down and into keeping myself mobile.  This is not a case of putting the effort in a few hours a week but put in the effort in on a daily basis, all day everyday.

I feel tired.  I want to sleep a lot and I do.  Though my sleep is disturbed of course because of pain.  I do get a really good night’s sleep if I take a sleeping pill on top of everything else I take but I cannot do this on a regular basis because sleeping pills are addictive and they lose their effect as the body gets used to them.

Often when I write and I do not know what is going on with me the act of writing will answer for me.  I cannot say that I feel any wiser now than I did when I first started to write this.

I do not know if any one will understand what I mean that this down feeling is accompanied by a bloated feeling.  I hate feeling bloated.  Even when my stomach is empty it is feeling bloated.No, I have not developed a new health problem.  I have suffered from this bloated business for as long as I can remember.

Even though I have continued to do the things that we normally do like go out to eat go shopping just all the normal things that I do, it has taken effort to do them and I just feel like I want to be in bed all the time.

It would be great, really great, to just be able to sit and doing absolutely nothing, not even knit, and watch TV.  I am unable to do this because I always have to f*cking move. it has been on my mind a lot recently how much I would love to curl up in bed and read or even on the settee and read.  Pain stops me being able to do this plus I do not read very long before I start wanting to go to sleep!

So I guess it is true to say a lot of things are rather pissing me off right now and yet I cannot find a solution.  I am used to having the occasional day when I feel like there is that I have felt like this for a few weeks now and that reads to me suspiciously like something is going on that I need to address but I just cannot figure out what.

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