Pig's Bum

I don't feel good this morning. No tears, no solar plexus pain , a little fear but feeling really p'd off.

I slept quite well, woke at about 4 I think and took a co-codomal for my cough / cold. It stops the coughing so I can sleep. Had this damn cold for 11 days now. Though I have to say it is mild now.

I eventually woke at 6am but did not get up as I was afraid too. I already felt wound up. So I stayed in bed and dozed till 8 and am glad I did. I need the rest. This is tiring.

Last night at a meditation group I go to, this woman who attends could see I wasn't my normal self and started to talk to me about how she felt when she lost her son. She told me how she physically felt and how similar it was to my physical pain. She told me it won't just stop overnight, that it will take time to go away. I was very grateful to her for talking to me but felt a pang of shame too as her grief was about the loss of her child, which must be truly truly awful. She is a lovely person and I am so glad she spoke with me. I was feeling bad and scared and she helped to allay that.

I still find the physical side to this grief really hard to deal with. It is scary. I feel a heaviness over my solar plexus and a burning sensation. It isn't really a burning, not like acid reflux at all.
Once I cry or take a diazepam, which I avoid and do only if it is bad, it goes away. Or my guts gurgle and boing all the time. Strangely, my Dr thinks I am very lucky and have a good guts, I have had no trouble at all with my bathroom habits. they have remained normal and regular.

I get none of this when I sleep and it usually comes on later in the day, if it is going to.

Today though I just feel angry about it all. I am tired of it. I also feel embarrassed by it. I feel I ought to be stronger than this and not so sensitive and wimpy. THAT is my father talking, I know. So he can go jump and leave me alone to grieve how I grieve.
How I am is how I am and it certainly is not like him. If he had cried or been sensitive perhaps he wouldn't have been such a cruel man.

I have to watch myself right now too as I find I get annoyed quite easily at some of the emails on the lists. I finally blocked an address this morning to save me from myself really because I know I will lose it one day.

I am still doing my meditation twice daily and I include some deep breathing exercises too. This really does help.

I miss my swimming! I still can't go and doubt I will be able to until next Monday.

I have a major breed club champ show this coming Sunday.

I had three speaking engagements last week, Sunday, Wednesday and Sunday and all three went well.

Just When....

....I thought it was over I had another crap day. More fear, more tears, more solar plexus discomfort, grumbling, burning(no not acid), fear feeling. Missing my mum like crazy which just makes no sense to me at all.
Yesterday was a brilliant day. I felt like my old self. felt physically good. Then today, Wham!
I really need thisto end now. I get the message.I understand the point. Now please will you leave me alone? This is so pointless. How much more crying is needed? To what end exactly? I know what I lost, I know it wasn't my fault. I just want ot ge tone an live what life I have left and enjoy it not be held back and swamped by this f***ing pain.

Ebay Sweaters On Now

Ladies Cotton mix

Ladies Cotton Mix 2

Ladies Cotton Mix 3

Ladies Cotton Mix 4

Gentleman's Merino / Angora

Just For Today

I am getting better each day. It has been getting longer between crying sessions. The feelings of fear have lessened a lot. Yesterday and the day before have been the best days for weeks.

I am awaking each day with dread. Just like I used to when a child. I haven't felt this way for many years. In recent times I have looked forward to each day and what I might accomplish or learn. Now I am afraid of what emotions might threaten to overwhelm me. I know this will pass too.

The sense of loss has been huge. I had been so busy just surviving I had no time to feel the pain of loss. Or even the awareness that I had lost.

A big part of the spiritual philosophy I have an interest in, is the concept of Personal Responsibility. Also, that what we think is of the utmost importance because what we think determines our lives.

I know this to be true. The only reason my life has changed, the only reason I have changed, is because I have changed what I think. The only person who could do that was me.

Yes, it's true, much of what I thought I was taught to think by damaged unhealthy people. I still suffered the consequences. My belief in the lies is what made my life so wretched. My beliefs about me, about other people, about 'god', about death. All of these beliefs conspired to cause me immense suffering to the point of death or insanity.

I survived.

I believe I survived because I was loved by strangers who became my family and my partner. THEY became my support because they saw the real me, the me I didn't know existed.

Slowly, I began to see that there were other ways to think. I was a slow learner, always hampered by fear. I had been taught to fear everything and everyone and I learned that lesson well. After all, every person in my life back then let me down and I had reason to fear them.

I have always been good at putting on a good outward image. Look at the photograph on this post of me at 11. I had already seen my best friend killed, been almost killed by my own father and had years of abuse from both parents, emotionally and physically, and was already used to being used as a sexual outlet by adults.

This recent tumult has taught me much. It showed me that I believed a huge lie and this lie is the one that was at the root of all my suffering. I believed that I was responsible for the behaviour of others. Oh, I knew it was wrong to have sex with children and wrong to physically batter them and to be emotionally cruel to them. I came to know that in my 30's. I and everyone else assumed that was it, I understood. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND AT ALL. I had been taught well. I believed, deep down, that had I been different, these people would not have done what they did. That they were good people and that there was something about me that made them lose control...(they taught me well).

Believing that all but ruined my life. It almost destroyed me. It was the reason I chose the wrong people to be friends with. It was the reason I could not defend myself. It was the reason I was so afraid all the time. It was the reason I was unable to use my high IQ. It was the reason I harmed myself. I cut myself, starved myself, blotted myself out with drink and drugs. The reason I smoked. It was the reason for the suicide attempts(after the second time landed me in a coma, I gave up trying because I knew there was no escape).

The religious abuse I suffered mixed in with all this took away my ability to have any form of relationship with whatever higher power there may be. In the end the only way I could cope with the evil monster I had been taught about was to deny the existence of anything beyond us. However,my coma experience showed me clearly that death is but a transition to another life. That TERRIFIED me.

Now I see things differently. I am not so afraid. I am beginning to see a very different type of god to the one I was taught about. This last two months so much has happened, so much love and support has come my way. So many 'coincidences'. I am at the point where I want to let go and believe I will be caught but am not there yet.

Two weeks ago on a Tuesday when I was on my third gut wrenching crying of the day, rolling around on the floor, in so much agony I wanted death, I screamed out 'if you are there and you f***ing love me, then do something NOW!'

I became calm, much less afraid, and I did what I had sworn I would not do. I called my Dr. I hadn't because I was afraid I'd be locked up again, like when I was a teen. He was very supportive. He understood I needed to go thru my grief but also needed support. He insisted I take some diazepam to relieve the physical pain I was in and to get to to sleep as I hadn't been sleeping.

I am not interested in false religion or false faith. I am not interested in anyone whose belief system includes a punishing god.

Simply put, if a belief includes 'if you don't believe this' you will go to hell or any other threat, then I am not interested because I know it is BIG FAT LIE!!!!!

IF god is Unconditional Love then we do not have to believe anything! We don't have to DO anything. We are loved. End of. Loved. No matter what. Loved. regardless. Loved. We do not have to earn it.

Any fool will believe what they are told to believe with a gun held at their head.

So if you believe that you will only be 'saved' by believing a particular story or following a particular dogma or creed, you are WRONG WRONG WRONG! You have been conned. You have been abused. You have been misled. You have been told a BIG FAT LIE.

And whilst you may well suffer as a result of believing such a lie, and you will, in the end it won't matter a jot because you will still survive death and still be loved.

Five Weeks

All looking a little uptight to be out in the big world for the first time.

Some People

Two years ago my vet told me to never go to him again.

This is why:

As you know I am disabled. I had been up all night with a girl whelping, or trying to. At 5am I realised she needed veterinary help. By this time, I could barely walk and she needed help fast. I took her to my local vet, 5 minutes away.(my usual vet is 30 mins drive away) I explained I was disabled and couldn't walk that day. So they met me and took care of everything. They saved my girls life and performed a ceaser.

I later phoned my vet and told the nurse what had happened. She later called me and told me that Jim, my vet, had said he would not treat any of my animals again. I was miffed to say the least. He knows my physical problems.

In fact a few weeks ago, he saw me out in my wheelchair and we exchanged pleasantries.

So last Saturday I called him about him doing vet work for me. Once again, and thru a nurse, he told me to go elsewhere.

There is no fool like an old fool. Talk about self centred egotist! And no balls as he at no time has he spoken to me. He did it all thru young women.

just made it

My voice lasted just long enough to finish my speaking engagement last night. It went well. By the time it was over, I was hoarse and sweating and feeling rather hot. So I knew my laryngitis was just the heralding of some other bug which has now taken hole.

I fell asleep in my armchair last night till 4am.(which is a good thing as it showed I was relaxed). I came up to bed and stayed the till just gone 8am, the longest sleep I have had for months. I am normally up 5.30 to 6.30am.

Of course I feel like do do today. Hot and cold, no vice and a running nose which I detest.
So it will be sock knitting and tv day today.

Oh as well as a puppy poo shovelling, paper changing day. About 6 times day now. They are eating well. They have also discovered there voices and now realise there is more to life outside their 6ft by 3 ft pen. Well, they are not getting out of that just yet. No way I can run around after them.

I had wanted to go to Borders at Milton Keynes for a knitting group and meet Beverley. I just had to call and cancel. Bummer.

Free Yarn -Kindness

A dear woman sent me some sock yarn for free. I had seen it on the stash part of Ravelry and wrote and asked her how much she wanted for it. I got a letter back saying she would just give it to me. I was really pleased at such kindness. The sock yarn is Lorna's Laces and I am dying to knit up but must finish 3 other pairs first.

I have deliberately not named this person as I have not asked permission and would not want her inundated with requests for free yarn!

She knows who she is and knows how thankful I am for her generosity.

Still Better

My voice is much better this morning-deeper and less squeaky! The dogs do not seemed concerned now.

Remember what I was saying about the unpleasantness with some of the UK based lists? Well, one of them.
Well, I came across a mean spirited post about me from an 'Emma In France'(no link to bio) on someone's blog who had knitted my heel. Her only comment was that she found my blog and posts to UKhandknitters irritating so she ignored them and didn't know about the heel! Okay, who gives a toss, no one can be liked by all. What irks me though is the downright mean spiritedness of such a post. Why bother to leave such a bitchy comment? Plus, I don't often post to that forum because of the bitchiness of too many of it's members. Perhaps Emma In France is just really sad.

I have a speaking engagement tonight and I think I am up to it. My voice is there anyway.

I am about to swatch for a garter stitch (on machine) sweater is a silver grey cashmere/silk/merino mix sweater.

Confused Dogs

My voice has gone entirely. I went to the practice nurse, instead of Dr, and I have laryngitis. Duh, I knew that. I awoke at 4am this morning in such pain in throat and shaking with cold even though I sleep fully dressed with socks on! Meaning I wear socks, pjyama's (my tops and floppy trousers)and a t-shirt under it.

Anyway, my poor dogs are very confused. I am having to use sign language for them. My voice is just a squeak. Not so stupid though, as they have figured out what I want. At first they seemed a little afraid of me and my new voice.

Now more than you wanted to know:

One of my concerns has been my guts, as you know very sore. Well, although I have pooed on a regular basis, it has not been much. I was encouraged by the fact I had no blood or diarrhoea. Another duh here: I have eaten very little and when I am eating, just very plain meals like chicken or fish, grilled, with vegetables. No sauces, no nothing. Well, I found out that of course I am not pooing much! I ain't eating much and nothing that bulks! I discovered that your poo is only on the bulky side when you eat carbs-wheat etc. Well I don't cos I am allergic.

I was so relieved to know this. I am one of these people that feels so much more secure when I know the facts and understand them.

Oh and I have lost 21 lbs. BUT not rapidly. This has taken 10 weeks. And includes days I hardly ate at all cos of the upset and also swimming up to a mile a day. I have now lost 100 plus pound all told.

For some reason, I am really getting into fish. I have never really liked it. I love prawns and crab and stuff and sometimes smoked salmon but other wise found fish unsatisfying. Not now. I really enjoy it. I have eaten plaice and cod so far as my main meal. Gently fried in my new Titanium frying pan, with a little seasoning and a drop of oil. Gosh, the pan is amazing. Really. It was £45(90$) on sale but worth every penny. I don't bother with my George Foreman now. This cooks quickly and very well, the meats/fish stay moist. I even now eat plenty of chicken breast cos it remains moist cooked in the pan.

One of the most distressing things about the last while, is that I have hardly knitted or watched any tv. I just haven't been able to.
I am now though and am feeling excited about planned knitting projects and my yarn is now calling to me again.

And I had a 2 hour nap this afternoon!

Feeling Fragile - Keeping track

Today has not been so good. A fair amount of fear and abdominal discomfort. The discomfort of course being the fear.

I was thinking this has been going on for ages. But thank fully I keep a blog and I wrote this

http://tinyurl.com/3xv8p6

back on Sept 20th. So not that long ago. It's weird too because that post is a clear indication of what was to come.

I do understand I have made some major breakthroughs.

But I can't let go. I don't mean let go of the abuse and the pain. I have done that, mostly. I mean I can't stop being 'on guard' 24/7. This is the only way I know how to explain how I am right now. I am tense all the time. In fact I have been tense all my life because I am always waiting for the next blow.

I really want to believe that all is okay and I am safe and to let go and enjoy my life. But I am scared to. What if it's all a con again? What if the second I let my guard down, it all comes crashing down on me?

Life for me was like that for so long, the next blow always came without fail. I was always betrayed without fail. I always lost without fail, moved constantly. Friends, pets, taken just like that. Every time. Always in living no man's land. Always knowing that every time I made a friend or had a pet I would lose them. And every time I loved and thought this time it would be different. The same with my abusers. I was so good because if I was good enough the abuse would stop. I know different now. It made no difference what I did because I was not the problem!

Now, I have a good life. I BUILT it myself. Yes, I have love given to me which helped build my life but it was me who built it. Now I so want to enjoy it. Yet I can't let go. I so want to. I long to just let it go, to fall and believe I will be caught. I just can't manage it. How do I do this? How do I let it go? How do I trust? I trust no one or nothing. Isn't that awful of me? But it's true. I daren't.
I know I need to but the idea fills me with fear. Yet if I don't I am condemning myself to more of the same misery and I don't want that nor deserve that.

I just called out to the dogs because they were barking(don't allow that) and nothing came out!
I thought all day I was getting sick. Now I can't speak and my throat hurts.

Is this weird or what? I am hoping I am sick with the flu or at least a heavy cold. No I am not a masochist. But I am tired. I am want to curl up in bed with a book. I want to rest. I want to be sick enough so i can and not give a toss(apart form what needs to be done with the dogs.). I don't want to go swim a mile at 6am. I don't want to do anything. I want to cuddle warm in bed and do f**k all for a few a days and I know I will only do that if I am sick...

You know the physical side of this is really quite distressing and just adds to the stress. yes, it is improving but the stomach discomfort still comes, though not all the time and not so bad. The severe pain in neck and shoulders has all but gone. Did YOU know that emotions such as those I have been going thru could cause such physical problems? I didn't. It's scary and only adds to pain and fear. (Oh and yes my Dr says it's caused by grief and fear and not because I am dying). I can settle my stomach my deep breathing exercises.

Anyway, enough for now. I was just relieved when I read back at my FEAR post in September as it made it very clear what has happened since.

The auctions end Sunday evening(UK Time). There are 4 sweaters, here is one of them:

Cashmere/Silk/Merino

I ship worldwide by signed for delivery.

Orange Version

This is the same yarn and same pattern as this one.
The neckline is different and the length is shorter and of course the colour is different!

Lumbering Jack

The yarn used is Pure Wool by Stylecraft. 260 mtrs per 100gm (240yds). The colour is called Rustic and the number is 3560. I love the colour so I bought a ball. Unfortunately, I had to buy another 100 grams ball as the first sock weighed 60gms. I knit using HiyaHiya 2.75mm circular. The gauge was 30sts and 40rws to 10cms. or 7.5spi to 10rpi.
I used the Andersson Heel again, knit toe up.

Better Days

Tuesday was the last time I cried. Wednesday and Thursday were good days. I still had the stomach pain and shoulder pain but less so and it didn't bother me. Friday was okay till the evening when I thought I was going to be overwhelmed again.

Now yesterday was the best day for weeks. I felt almost normal. My legs were sore, hips and back. Phew, good to be back to normal!

My mood is better, the fear has all but gone. I really feel I made my way though the stuff I needed to.

I am still somewhat in shock about it all. I did not see the last two months coming at all and this last month of terror and grief I really did not expect.

Yet, looking back over the last 15 mths I can see how it was building up and how buried issues were being awakened.

It started last August when we returned early from our break to discover that my 'close friend' was a con artist and not a friend at all. THAT destroyed what little trust I had managed to build. I withdrew from the world then but not consciously. I see now that I spent my time mainly on my own or with John and interacted as little as possible with others.

Then I came across that person who made me feel like the abused little boy I had been and who looked at me, and spoke to me, and treated me, as if I were very much lacking.

So this combination is what broke the little vault I had hidden my stuff in.

What have I learned?

THAT IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!!!!! Really, it had nothing to do with me at all. I WAS NOT ABUSED BECAUSE I WAS ME.

I was abused because they were them.

I have learned that I am loved. I have learned that I deserve to be. I have learned I do not have to be perfect. I have learned that I am not in danger because I am not perfect. I have learned I have value. I have learned that I, me, have been of use to others, that I have given to others. That I have helped others.

I feel excited and can feel that I am growing wings and that freedom is coming.

I feel that I no longer carry such an enormously heavy burden and now that at almost 49 it has been removed, it will take some time for my body and my soul to adjust.

You perhaps have no idea how much your support has meant to me. Your amazing comments, your emails. The mere fact you even bothered to read and more so to offer such loving kindness. THAT has really hit home. To be frank, at first, I was suspicious. I thought there must be some trick or that you were round the twist or in one way or other trying to undermine me. That is what I was used to.

You have shown me that there is love and kindness and GOOD people out there.

I thank you all so much. You really have helped to save a life. Seriously, without the daily support I received, I am not at all sure I would have survived this journey. It was so bad I did start to think that death could not be worse. What you have done will never be forgotten Not by me and not by the Powers that be.

Dogs

Luna-mother of puppies

Micah - uncle to puppies
Shameless - aunt to puppies

Nechung-Micah's mother and Shameless' grandmother, no relation to pups.

Puppies at 4 weeks(3rd November)

Life Goes On

She was walking along the street, near to her home, when he called over and enquired as to how she was doing. She responded that she wasn't doing too badly and accepted an invitation to sit awhile and talk.

It was just over a year since her husband of many years had died and she missed him dreadfully. If only she could have five more minutes with him.

He touched her hand and said that her husband was always with her and that he wanted to thank her for the flowers she placed in his hands. He also reminded her of his love of 50's and 60's music. He had been a teddy boy he said. He then told her he could hear Neil Sedaka's Oh Carol and she replied that she took care of her husband's record collection and she could not find this recording. Finally, he told her that her husband was showing her a ring, a man's ring with a deep red stone in it. She had bought him this ring.

He then told her that when the time came, her husband would be there to take her to her new home.

She returned to her home, still in grief but knowing that her husband had only passed to a different existence and had not ceased to exist.

Ebay Sweaters Ending

The auctions end Sunday evening(UK Time). There are 4 sweaters, here is one of them:

Cashmere/Silk/Merino

Gift?

I went to a sanctuary tonight where they give healing. There was
also a raffle in aid of MS.

I bought a ticket.

I won a tea towel-a souvenir from the very small country that my mother was born and raised in.....