I was speaking with somebody I know today, and whom I like. I got to know them about 18 months ago, because of my involvement in dogs. During our conversation, she said something using my old surname. I was really taken aback. Whereas I have only known this person for 18 months, even though I have been aware of them for the last 6 to 8 years, she has known me for 25+ years! I do not remember her at all. She clearly remembers me and clearly remembers what I used to be like.
Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that this person has done absolutely nothing wrong.
All those years ago I was severely disturbed. I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals. I was doped up to the eyeballs, most of the time. My behaviour was erratic. My mood swung violently from elation to deep depression. I was actively in to self harm and actively bulimic. I was completely unaware of myself and others.
I changed my surname by deed poll, and I cringe when ever I hear that name or see it written anywhere. I hate the sound of it and have done for as long as I can remember. I changed my name in 1979.
I am not so sure why I feel so disturbed. I am not that person any more. I have worked very hard to get to where I am now and am very happy with where I am now. I am no longer disturbed. I know what is what. And I have come to terms as much as anybody can with the horrors of my childhood.
When I think back to how I was and the people that I was friends with,I cringe. I cringe both at how I used to be and how I could possibly have had those sort of people in my life. Many people judged me severely or took advantage of my situation, and my weakness. Not any more. I do not allow it.
There is somebody who goes to the shows that I know from way back then. But I don't really care what they think because they are a homophobe. Always have been and have never thought well of me. So I don't care what they think.
Although I am a product of my experiences. My past is the past and I wish it to stay there. I have my grief days, and I know that I always will. Those who know me from way back then, are not owed anything by me. They have absolutely no idea what I was dealing with, and it is none of their business. If they choose to judge me or find it amusing, that says much about them and nothing about me.
I really am surprised at the strength of my feeling about this. I think perhaps I should have more compassion for myself and for that poor wretch that I was. I do, I know only too well what he was suffering, yet at the same time. I do inwardly cringe at the memory of the person that I used to be. So vulnerable and easily taken advantage of, and I let people walk all over me
I am confused and I don't really know why I am so upset about this jolt from the past.