Friday, July 23, 2010


I had a terrible day yesterday regarding pain.  However, I have woken up feeling much better today.

Dog people have always warned that when one becomes successful, people will be nasty.  I have not experienced much of this. One 'friend' was clearly jealous and our friendship is all but over.  Now she is causing trouble, with regard to Whitney's father.  So sad.  I am not overly concerned because I kept my distance from this person.  When it became apparent to me what she was like.  Whenever we spoke, she always slagged off other people including her friends.  When a person does that, you can be fairly certain that they are doing the same to you.  The only other bits of nastiness that I'm aware of is some woman who was overheard telling other people that my disease was all put on for sympathy.  As I said, when I mentioned this before, my play for sympathy, cost me an awful lot of money and a lot of inconvenience!  I must be an effing good actor, as I am prescribed heavy-duty painkillers like tramadol and morphine!

Jealousy, I do not understand.  I understand envy.  To me, envy is about aspiration, where as jealousy is about destruction.  At least this is how I view it.

Recently I have not found acceptance so readily available to me. Much to my chagrin, I have found that going and doing a talk and demonstration leaves me shattered the next day.  Just like a dog show does.

The pain of my disease causes I can cope with its never really been that much of a problem.  I am good at ignoring pain, and now of course I have medication when it gets too much and I can't ignore it. On the other hand, fatigue is not something one can do anything about.  It just is, one has to ride it through.  I find this very frustrating.  It also makes me feel old before my time.I do not like being able to do what I want to do and when I want to do it.  I also do not always take into consideration.  This part of my disease and John often has to point out that I have agreed to do too much.  I had a phone call just the other day, reminding me of a booking I had for a talk and demonstration which I have agreed to do the day after a dog show.  I apologise profusely to the person and said that I would not be able to attend.  Because I have worked there before, they understood completely and she also understood my reluctance to accept that it was beyond my capabilities.  No harm done , and I guess this means I am just getting better at accepting my limitations.

I am thankful that I can still swim.  Swimming is very important.  Not only does it help with stress, it keeps my weight down, and most importantly, it keeps me mobile.  The longer I can keep up swimming,  the longer I can stave off the worst.

It also annoys me that I cannot write about my disease and the difficulties it causes me without feeling like I am moaning and making a fuss about nothing. It makes me feel guilty.  A part of me believes I should keep a stiff upper lip and not talk about such things.  There are people far worse off than me etc etc etc

My dyeing has been going well and the selling of my hand-painted yarns has also been going very well.  I really enjoy the dyeing.  It is very satisfying and it is also exciting.  When I prepare to dye, I have no idea what I am going to produce.  That is one of the most exciting things about it.  Actually, it is the most exciting thing about it!  I also get a kick out of mixing up my own colours.  I am not afraid to try new combinations.  I'm also not afraid to see what happens if I'd put this dye in that dye.  I have produced some lovely unique colours this way.
I often mix dyes when I have little amounts left rather than throw away.

I have been up since 5:30 AM as I have to be in bed very early this evening because I have Leeds championship show tomorrow.  I am looking forward to it.  I have sorted out my outfit which is built around a wine coloured frock coat.  I may be able to have a picture of me dressed up later on today.

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