UPSIDE DOWN AND INSIDE OUT

I received a very kind email this morning  reminding me that I have not posted on my blog recently. I think I had assumed that few comments meant few readers.

Life is still not settled. We have the upstairs to finish. The bedrooms need the decor done and then the carpet laid. The bathroom still needs it's floor laid.
Our desks-Regency- have been made and are ready for delivery. I am going to have to call them because the day, Tuesday, is not convenient as John will not be here and I won't be able to manage them.

We have decided upon a Tempur electric bed. I cannot deal with the bed building each night to get comfortable and it is sometimes very difficult to get out of bed. This will solve all those issues.
I have dogs shows coming up but do not feel inclined to go at all. My stomach lurches whenever I think of it. Either this is because I am not ready for them yet or because I have got out of practice and the stomach lurch is what I normally feel when having to deal with groups of people. I think it may be the latter which means I will have to force myself to get going.

Pain and dealing with it, which meds to use etc is it's usual challenge. I just had a week's course of anti-inflammatories which really did the trick but that is finished at the reason for them seems to be returning. I cannot keep taking them as NSAID's can have serious side effects. Bummer, as the Americans would say.

The picture above is of Deita, Tantra's Plenty O'Toole isa Kutani. She is Whitney's daughter and is owned by my friend Wendy Cain, who bred her sire. Currently she is the top winnign LA this year. She has 3 rcc's and 2CC with Best of Breed. Juts 18mths old.

JOY BY EAR

Today is a do nothing day. I slept well last night. In fact so well that I awoke in my armchair at 6am. I went to bed and woke up at 8.45am and got up. I feel quite well so I think the ill feeling yesterday was just the heat and fatigue.

John is home early afternoon. The insulation people are coming to stuff the walls and loft this afternoon too. then i can get to the knitting machines that were removed form the loft. I have about a dozen I think. Yes, i will be requiring new homes for most of them. It is time. As much as I would love to get back to being able to use them and profitably, I have faced facts. I cannot. So they go.

I am entered in LEEDS championship show tomorrow but I am not going. I plan being at SELAS breed championship show first Sunday in August. New venue. I hope I manage it.

I have ordered a few Mike Oldfield CD's today. the really good thing about Amazon is being able to preview the music. Mike is not an artist whom I must have everything they produce. In  fact, those he has done which are all vocal I don't care for.
I am still very impressed with our audio system. I am hearing music on records I have owned for 35 years that I have not heard before. John is saying the same about his old vinyl collection. Hundreds of classical and opera records. I am just so pleased that eh enjoys this so much. When he told me last year that if I wanted to buy anything expensive I should do it then because of his upcoming retirement, I gave it some thought. I wanted to do something for us BOTH. John is very generous and I know he meant something for me. I also knew that he would never spend money on the hi fi like I did. Seeing his face when he listened to one of his vinyl records on the new turntable, I could have cried. I had clearly made the right decision. The turntable on it's own cost £1800 with the cartridge. We also have the bd/cd player, by Arcam and also the Arcam AV400. The rWave DAC by Arcam. This is used via USB to take my music from my MacBook Pro. Three pairs of Rega speakers. The system really is a joy to listen to. We both listen on Grado headphones too. I cannot praise these highly enough. 325i and PS500. I use the LEEMA DAC with my headphones.

Being married has certainly made me feel secure. Not secure as regards John, I already did. no, this means no outside people or agency can split us up nor take our rights as a couple away. Meaning I am now his Next of KIN and we have the rights associated with that. Should anything bad happen to either of us away from home, it would be one of us that is called and once of us who goes to the hospital and one of us who has the say so over the other if either one of us cannot make decisions for ourselves.

The wedding day itself was wonderful. My happiest day. I was very pleased when i saw all of our friends together. A really mix of people who had previously not met and they all got on. I was thinking how they all view me as eccentric. They clearly do not see themselves as eccentric which I find amusing!

CHRISTIAN BISEXUAL AGENDA

It was already too hot for dog walking when I took John to the station at 7.50am Not that I am in a being able to walk dogs phase. Just pointing out the heat here. We get high humidity too. Pleased to say the anti-inflammatories are doing their job well tho sleep is being evasive.

Have you ever wondered why the devout pray for the physical survival of others? Car crash, gun, cancer victims. Whatever the crisis, the prayer is always survival. I thought the idea was to be with God in Heaven? Funny how when a preacher/vicar/priest is diagnosed with a life threatening disease they are not congratulated at their soon to be in Heaven status but prayed for fervently that they may stay and suffer more. Weird or what?

I had no idea there were so many bi-sexuals about. According to many people of faith, humans are naturally bi-sexual. Oh, they don't actually come out as bi-sexual. It is clear though that bi-sexual they are. You see, if being homosexual is a choice then so is being heterosexual. If we are free to make that choice we must be equally attracted to both sexes. I don't agree at all and I wish the Xian bi-sexuals would stop forcing their bi-sexual agenda upon the rest of us. They need to stop insisting we are all bi-sexual. We are not and never will be. Some people are. Most are not. Those of us who are not bi-sexual don't have a choice. We are either heterosexual or homosexual. We must put an end to the Christian Bi-sexual Agenda. Stop them recruiting our children. Keep them out of our schools. We must stand up for what is right. I am not a bigot. I just don't approve of their lifestyle choice and I do no want them forcing their agenda upon me and I want to be free to say they are wrong without being labelled a bigot.

There are three half naked men on my driveway right now. No, this is not a script for a porno nor am I dreaming. Ernie and sons are here to pave over the front with that nice brickwork. Not only will it look good and save us having to bow the lawn to trim bushes, it will also mean parking for twi more cars if we have visitors. As I write, I can smell the fumes from their digger. I shall go and close the window I think.

RICH TWATS

The last week of July and summer has arrived. Thankfully the daily rain for months has stopped. The temperature has risen sharply. 30c today. The first day of heat, Sunday, I awake in pain and swollen-hands and ankles-so knew I had to start the anti-inflammatories. In my case, this is bog standard aspirin. Everything else I have tried makes me feel ill. I take gabapentin, tramadol, paracetamol and morphine daily but none of them deal with inflammation.

The downstairs and stairs and landing are all finished. We have the three bedrooms left to do. They will be done one at a time, with the carpeting done last. The drive is being done this week, starting tomorrow.  The house is having it's walls and attic stuffed on Thursday.  

This whole renovation thing has been very good. I am so glad we have been able to do it. Especially the bathroom being changed to a shower room. This allows me to wash at home instead of the pool where I have showered for years now.

Much to my surprise it has also been very stressful. I was not prepared for that. Needless to say my balance problems became much worse, my gut went off the deep end, and pain increased. John became concerned when I became hyper, according to him, that I might slip into manic mode. I have not had a manic episode for years now. It didn't happen and I don't think it will anymore. I can understand him worrying about it though.

The dogs too have been stressed by all the changes. They have been into boarding 4 times now and their house is completely different too. This last week it took it's toll. They returned home and were clearly out of sorts. none ate for a couple of days. Only today, a week after their return, are they back to normal. Poor things.

I have missed all dog shows since WELKS now. I am unlikely to make LEEDS on Friday. We hope we will be at SELAS the first Sunday in August. A breed club championship show.

Our wedding took place without any problems at all. It was the happiest day of my life. I can now understand why so many people say that. Ours was different I suppose in that we married on our 31st anniversary. We know each other quite well already!

Then the day after our wedding we went to Frankfurt for a week. It was a very good trip. It was the first time I have stayed in a 5* hotel. i normally book 3 or 4*. John is used to 5* thru work. Fortunately for me as he dealt with the tipping stuff and all that. It makes me so uncomfortable. 

We stayed in the Jumeirah. It was very nice. The service was excellent. We did not have to worry about anything. We both wish to return.

Frankfurt itself was excellent too. Despite our resolution to make this more a cultural visit-doing galleries and museums etc-it ended up being just a shopping trip! We were slap bang in the middle of the best shopping area!

Clearly, I discovered, there are some rich idiots about. They were QUEING to be let into Louis Vuitton and a couple of other such shops. Only a couple in at a time, security guards baring the doors and making sure people waited until invited to enter! WTF? How the hell did these idiots become convinced that this was super cool and gave them status? It's a fucking shop!!!! They should be falling over themselves to SERVE.  What twats! I was gobsmacked. Where was their dignity?

BOTHERATION!!!

Weird? I had a terrible night. Fitful sleep and the sweats. Last night I ate Shish Kebab. Chicken and lamb. No pitta, just the salad and chilli. Not had it for ages. Nor have I had a night like last for ages. I also have a plain live yoghurt and sugar free yell (jello). I know the yoghurt and jelly is not the cause. I suspected before that it was the kebab. I cannot think why. Maybe whatever they marinate the meat in? Maybe it is just I have it late? I won't be doing it again. It really is most uncomfortable.

I took Chase to class last night and he freak doug. Not at first but after there had been some screaming by a dog. After that he just didn't want to move. I think all this tooing and froing with him and the others whilst the house is being done has not been good for him. I was worried about that. He is a boy, they can be the most sensitive, and just the wrong age for all this to happen. Even my fully adult and mature ones, Luque and Whitney, have lost weight and Only Whitney is eating well since our return. MG has got skinny, she had a season during this too. Ugh. I think it might be a while before I do the shows. More fees down the drain. But the dogs come first.

OUR WEDDING 07 07 2012 (our 31st Anniversary)

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MY HUSBAND AND I...

We are more or less packed for the first stretch of our trip home in the morning. We had to buy another suitcase. We (I) will drive the 380 to Coquelles. Will stay there the night and eat at Flunch which we enjoy. Fast food but cooked in. Front of you and your choice of about a dozen veggies etc in a buffet like setting. Cheap too. It seems it is beyond e capabilities of any Brit to do this. We ate in a department store today. I had freshly cooked pork steaks, my choice of hot fresh well cooked and delicious veggies. About 9.50 pounds and that was with 500ml of diet coke. You could also have a large slice of a dozen or so cakes for 2 pounds, good Italian icream too for about the same cost. I just do not understand why we Brits cannot do this. Why is our food in such places crap? I think 1. We don't know how it could be and 2. We are alls told not to complain and so we don't. As a nation it seems we just put up with crap food at exorbitant prices because we think that is all there is. It will continue to be all there is until WE stop buying the crap and they get their act together. John and I will only buy coffee. Never food. We tale our own if on a long trip ind the UK. Oh, dear, there I go again! You can gather I get quite riled by this state of affairs. Here it is a delight. So much choice, well cooked and served food and the people serving are not looked down upon because they are doing good needed work and are thus respected. Brits tend to think it is lowly thing to do, to serve others. I think that is part of the problem of our state of crap food.

I must go to bed and quit this rant! I am excited to be going home to my dogs and our house. This has been a wonderful trip for us both. The hotel has been excellent. We found a bottle of champagne and a congratulations messages our room when we arrived. The staff could not be more helpful or polite or friendly. Today we're told by the whole concierge staff that we were the coolest dressers they have ever seen in their hotel. That was very nice to say wasn't it? A woman also stopped us and told us that she was pleased to see two such well dressed gentlemen. I think this sort of compliment is not only lovely to receive but it amazes me because I think it takes courage to say sucht hings to total strangers.

Best of all though is the staus of our relationship now. Legally bound. recognised. Security. Next of kin rights. No one can legally keep us apart. We have the same rights as mixed sex couples. Plus saying he is my husband is really IT for me. ou cannot misunderstand what that means. partner is cold. Boyfriend is silly at our age. I've been saying it a lot. My husband will pay for this, or no, he is my husband we don't need separate food bills. Or, thank you but I am with my husband and he will help me try on clothes. I can't really put into words how this makes me feel. Even after 31 years our marriage is exciting and ever growing. John is so relaxed now that he has retired and only does 3 days 'consulting'. Plus the house being as we want it, though the bedrooms are still to be done. No debt. NONE. Including no mortgage. We have both worked very hard for all of this and we are lucky that we are enjoying the fruits of our hard work. Hard work is not just one's job!

WE DID IT

We are away in Frankfurt for now and I will post more photographs later. This is the moment we were legally married. Dawn one of our witnesses and one of our closest friends , can be seen concealing a big grin!

CHAFFED

Not a good day. not at all. Exhausted. I also didn't arrange my bits properly and got my willy caught between my undies and my silk longs and now have what looks like carpet burn.I didn't notice until the morphine wore off and then wondered what the hell had happened. Then it hit me: i wondered what that odd feeling was especially when I moved. It was my will willy trapped between the two layers and getting chaffed. Not funny. I wonder if women get this with their boobs? Judging form the way they bounce up and down if they move quickly I'd think they get a bit more than chaffed.

I am loooooonging for some alone time. 13 weeks my house has had men in and out all day everyday, now two women included. I've got to the point i juts want to get to the register office, sign the damn paper and bugger off to Frankfurt and stay alone in my hotel room! The house is beginning to look really nice and the sound system is wonderful, just what i always wanted. Every new worker has commented on how clear my music is. Today I had adele live playing and they said it was like she was in the room with me. Do you think if I put James Blunt on it will be like he is in the room with me too?

It is raining. Again. It is cold. Again. And our poor US friends are suffering the opposite.

Now my new super duper iMac has 1tb drive and a 256gb SSD took. When I was migrating form the 21.5" to this new one, all 350 off gb, it said there wa snot enough room on the 27". Twat. So i did it myself. It's always quicker than doing what the computer nerds say to do. i just copied it all onto the ext hard drive and copied that on to the the new one. AND my Aperture program KNEW without me telling it that the photo library's were now all locate don the external disc. Maybe I am more than just psychic.

I long for a long sleep tonight so i am off to bed. I have three sets of work people tomorrow-the decorators, the blind men and the carpenters. I shall duvet dive I think.

6 DAYS LEFT

This, is Tantra's Plenty O'Toole isa Kutani. She is owned and loved by Wendy Cain of the Kutani kennel. She is otherwise known as Deita. She is bred by me and is a daughter of my Ch Polielin's Whitney with Tantra.

Deita has done very well. She has a G1 Puppy, and 3RCC and now 2 CC both with Best of Breed. She is not yet 18mths old. Her mother was such a winner at this age too. I could not be more pleased. this is the first of my breeding to have won at this level. (Despite owning this breed since 1972, I have been unable to do anything about showing and breeding properly until 2006. I am very pleased that each dog I have shown since then has won, and Deita has won the most.)

Our wedding is now less than a week away. On Saturday the 7th. I am now getting excited about it.

The house renovations have taken their toll. It has been 13 weeks now and still many more weeks to go. However, the downstairs will be complete for our wedding and thus we have somewhere for our guests to be between the ceremony and the reception dinner.

We both decided that we will tell the decorators and the carpet layers when we are ready for the three upstairs rooms to be done. We have both just had enough for now.

I am typing this blog post on a brand new 27" iMac with the highest specifications possible. This should last me forever now. Or at least until I find another excuse for upgrading!

The Hi Fi is all set up in our new lounge. 27' by 13' conservatory. It is beautiful. Not yet completely furnished.

I have become so exhausted that on Wednesday I awoke at 4pm to find that the stairs and landing had been carpeted. I had not heard a thing!

Our honeymoon is in a 5* skyscraper hotel in Frankfurt from Monday 9th through to the 14Th, back in England on the 15th.

JUST A QUICKY

Hi all,

All is well here. Just very very busy. I am longing for time to myself. The office and the conservatory are finished decoration wise. Furniture arriving tomorrow and Monady.
I am so exhausted that yesterday I slept brought to four pm and when I awoke the men had laide the stair and landing carpet, right out side my bedroom and I did not stir!!!

Thrilling news for me. Whitney's daughter, Tantra's Plenty O'Toole Isa Kutani won her first CC and BOB. This is a first for me as a breeder. I could not be more pleased. I have not been able to get to get shows so this is a double pleasure. Deita as she is called mis Owen and loved by Wendy Cain of Kutani. Wendy owns the father of my litter. I own Pussy who has only been shown a could of times but has a first and a Best Puppy.

I must go to bed. his work has been three months now and I am just exhausted and longing for time on my own with my music.

TALL POPPIES

I have always known that being open about my past leaves me vulnerable to sick and cruel or just plain ignorant people. I have had my share of evil comments here and I even had a stalker for a while. I handled them fine.

Just very recently, I wrote a short version of my past in response to something that warranted the explanation I gave. There was no response part from one brief comment. No one else commented until a woman did and all she could do was criticise my paragraphs! She said other things, all dismissive. 

I cannot tell you how shaming it is to bare yourself like that only to have that sort of comment back. This type of ignorant cruelty still enrages me and I have realised that if I feel rage then I have been shamed first.

How can anyone read such a story and ignore it or criticise it in anyway? Why is their response not one of compassion and horror? I don't know and I guess I have always had a problem with people like this. What sort of person can only criticise a person who is brain damaged, has serious body and pain issues, who has been able to communicate anyway, and who still WANTS to?  I don't know about you, I find that really callous and sick. This isn't about agreeing with me or not saying you don't. It is about not shaming me just because I find writing and typing a mental and physical challenge. All of which was clear in what I wrote. She isn't the first and won't be the last callous so and so I come across but this is the first time I have been honest about how it really makes me feel and what I think of those who do it. 

No survivor is looking for pity. That does no one any good and pity is worthless and far too easy. Aside: would you believe the amount of women who say 'ah, bless' when they see me in my wheelchair? That is pity and it is patronizing and it means fuck all. It dehumanizes me.

The reason it takes so many of us such a long time to gain enough courage to tell our story is precisely because of reactions like that. We fear being shamed and humiliated. The abuse made us feel like that and we don no want more of it.

My first attempts were met with 'you are too sensitive'. What do you think I felt? Yes, shame and humiliation. Another attempt was met with seeming understanding and I was invited to a prayer circle. I accepted, feeling that for the first time I was being listened to. That is until it began and they started to pray that I,(!ME!), be forgiven. Now what type of person is privileged to gain such trust only to throw it back in the face of the person trusting them?

I was taken by surprise today. I started to shake, my heart pounded. This despite the beta blockers and pain killers. One can safely assume by button was well and truly pushed!

Anyone who makes me feel shame, is out. I do not entertain having them in my life. I experienced the same shame, humiliation and anger with the person to whom I was kind and supportive yet they chose to interpret what I wrote as the opposite. I take responsibility for this though as I already knew what they were like but I had given them the benefit of the doubt only to be severely burned. (A situation another would have just brushed off I know but I am who I am.)

However, and this is what is important. I will never be silent. I will not acquiesce. There will always be victims of abuse who need to know my story and the stories of other survivors so that they know there is hope. So that they know that a semblance of peace is possible. That a good life can be lived regardless of how they feel in the moment. They need to know that happiness, joy, real friendship is possible. That love does not mean sex and violence. That love does not mean name calling, undermining ones confidence. Love does not have to be earned.

Most of all, they need to know that is not they who at fault. they need to know that they were abused (are being) because of who the abuser is and NOT  because of who they are.

My experience of writing about my life on this blog has been hugely positive. In ways I could never have foreseen. At first I remained anonymous and I was writing just as away of ordering my story for myself, of making some sense of it. I had no idea how it was going to affect others.

I very soon got comments and emails from other survivors. From professionals in the field child protection. I was astounded. I was also scared. I then realised that if I was telling my story and stating that shame does not belong with us, why was I hiding my identity. So I came out. Obviously I made sure to never identify anyone.

What we all need to know about recovery is this: there will never be a time when we will be as if the abuse the never happened. I used to think that I would come out of recovery wholly new, with the abuse and it's effects wiped away. Not so.

One learns to live well despite it. The severe PTSD symptoms do lessen. They do become further apart. But you will still have them. You will still have buttons that can be pushed, as happened to me today. There will be times when out of the blue, you will be plunged right back into that hell hole. Only now one can get out of it quickly and unaided, shake it off and carry on living a good and happy life.

Peace and joy do come but they don't stay. They come and go. But instead of plunging back into darkness when they go, one just lives well. One feels, one enjoys, and some of what we feel will not be nice and some of what we feel will be wonderful. Overall though we will be content. We will know who we are, where we have come from. We will know we are loved. we will love ourselves and we will not be at the mercy of the whims of others and their opinions about us. Only you really know what you feel.

No person who has not been through this torment has any idea at all what it is like. Remember that next time some ignorant soul judges you, they have not walked in your shoes. They understand nothing. There are those whose ability to empathise allows them to understand that we suffered/suffer and they treat us accordingly. They are safe people. Sadly, far to many do not have this gift.

I know that when one is in the depths of the shame and humiliation, the fear and the pain, it is nigh on impossible to see that the shame does not belong with one. The light seems very far away and it also seems that it must be us. After all, that person seems to be living a functional life. it is we who are not. it must be our fault. It is often just easier to blame ourselves than to accept that yes, other people can be so callous. It is not a safe feeling, yet we are strong enough to deal with it. No everyone is not coming from the same place. there those who will seek to harm you. There are those that do not seek to harm you but just do not care a joy. But there are those who not only will not harm you, they will love you and they will hold you and help you. You will become strong enough to accept them too.

The Earth Is Not Moving

The Earth Is Not Moving

The Earth Is Not Moving

The Earth Is Not Moving

How to confuse a creationist -- Homosexuality, Evolution and the Bible

HEAVENLY SOUNDS

Today has been a good day. I swam and I have bathed Pussy. She has a lot of coat so it takes an hour or so to dry her. She is a very girl, no trouble at all but she is still stubborn! Just quietly! She more or less refuses to stand for grooming and no matter what she stubbornly sits. So the compromise is to have lay on her side. She objected at first but then just relaxed and was very good. She is not stupid no matter that she does rather appear that she is a sandwich short of a picnic.

I  the morning, Ernie the builder is coming to remove the brick tv/video thingame. So glad it is going but am dreading the dust. There is already so much dust everywhere form the previous building. John has done an excellent job of clearing most of it up but there is still dust over everything.

John's retirement is taking me a bit of getting used to. He now works Tuesday, Wednesday and on Thursday comes back home. It feels like a holiday weekend every week and is quite putting my week into disarray. I'd have preferred he worked monday-Wednesday as that would not cut up the week. Yes, I know I am weird and I am perhaps not too good at explaining just what i mean but Tuesday-Thursday just is out sync to me. Still, I am sure I will get used to it.

I bought two electric armchairs almost a year ago. John 's is so far unused. I am sure this is because he thinks of it as old mans chair! Well, once we start moving into the new room, the old chair is being dumped so he has no choice. More daft than that though is me! I have not been using the electrics. I just keep forgetting. Like I only just raised it to make typing this much easier! If I angle it higher it will be much easier to get in and out of too. I must remember to use it!

The new shower room is wonderful. Yet I keep forgetting it is there and have only showered in once. obviously, I still shower at the pool but now I can shower at home on the days I do not go. It's that i forget I can do.

As I type I am listening to Carly Simon's Moonlight Serenade. I think it is the best of her 'standards' albums. I am so glad we invested in a really good sound system. British made and designed Arcam separates. Rega speakers. The sound is astonishingly good. Put it this way, all the builders, the plumber, the electrician, the kitchen men, have all commented on my music and how clear it sounds.

We have yet to discover how this system will sound int he conservatory, it's new home. I think the weekend after the one coming is when we shall find out. I have been told that having so much glass is a plus as far as acoustics goes. I may have to buy a sub woofer and i have found a British hand made award winning maker of those. There is also a possibly that I will need one pair of floor standers to replace one pair of the small speakers.

Toodle pip. xo

STILL LIVING

It has been nine weeks since the house alterations have started and there is another 8-12 weeks to go. However, the decorating and downstairs flooring and furniture placement will all be done by July 5th, two days before our wedding. The rest will be done after our honeymoon. That most bothersome of that will be the stair carpets and the bedroom carpets. Then it is complete indoors. The rest of the work is outside. We won't be living as at present once the inside is complete and the 3 months till completion is not continuous work but rather waiting for work to be done which will only be a few days duration each.

I can't believe the synchronicity. Everything, and all the tradespeople, has just fallen into place. I chose all the right people initially and through them we found the other tradesmen to do the other stuff. 

We have been discussing how we seriously need cavity wall insulation and loft insulation too. Well, today a man knocked at the door and he managed to get 'insulation' out before I told him to get lost or words to that effect. Instead, much to his surprise I invited him in. Just what we need I told him. Guess what? It is all being at no cost to us! The government (taxpayers) pay for it because I am disabled. (Do bear in mind that John has paid huge sums in tax and NI!!! And never taken any benefits. Just pointing it out for those who like to bitch about SS. Disability COSTS money-in daily living and in the alterations made to this house.)

All in  all, things are going very well. I wish I could say the same about me. I have found this very stressful, the first signs of which was my body showing worsening symptoms-like the loss of balance, thus falling, several times a day, more pain, less sleep. Doc does not think this is a permanent progression given what has been going on. I have to say I was not prepared at all for the sheer awfulness of my safe place being so disrupted, people coming in and out all day, not being free to nap or just flop about. I just keep the finished picture in my mind. It will all be worth it in the end.

I have had to forgo dog shows much to my disappointment but I just physically cannot manage it. I am hoping to be at a show on July 1st as at least the downstairs flooring will be done so the dogs can stay clean after bathing. However, it is also smack bang in the middle of the decorating so maybe no shows until after the honeymoon.

I do try to keep posting here. I use Facebook too but i forget that not all my readers are there so of course it is naturally to wonder why this usually anything but quiet man is being so quiet! Now you know. I feel like I have lots to say on the more serious subjects too but just have not been with it enough to do so. 

I get emails from some readers, privately, sharing stuff they don't feel comfortable sharing on here. Please do not think you cannot still do that. Survivors always come first and I get much from your sharing.

Thank you for reading.

SUPER FOOL

It is raining heavily outside. the new wet weather run for the dogs is going take them a bit if getting used to. They are not too sure about it yet. Yes, some have peed and pooed but I don't think they all have. once we are ensconced in the new living room, with all the doors out of it shut, and only the outdoor available to them, they will be easier to keep an eye on and train. They will soon realise that outside that door is theirs, whether wet or not.

John goes to work tomorrow, home Thursday evening. I will go to pool tomorrow. I have loads of reading to do.

I am going to resist the urge to save the world tomorrow. As I could anyway!  I realised that just because I kept my gob shut for most of my life doesn't mean I have to open it every waking moment! People can save themselves. Yes, I know, arrogant of me. 

I just have got into my head that I MUST take every opportunity to let every other survivor out there know there is a way past the pain and I simply must listen and respond to everyone who wants to tell me their life story, of which there are legion. 

Even as I write this, I can hear a voice telling me not to say this because I might put someone off who is at the end of their rope. I am tired. I need a break. I need to bring my head back in. I have my own shit to deal with and this is stressing me out. 

It's taken quite a while for me to realise this is at the root of my disquiet these last few months. I am on the tip of being angry or sad most of the time and frustrated because I can't do anything but share and be here and of course being as I can't do anything else, aren't I meant to be using this time on my hands to help others? 

I had no idea I would be writing this. This just started to come to my fingers when I typed goodnight.I have got myself in a right tiz. I've let this tie me in knots and I've become rather stupid. I could die right now and the world won't stop. People will still find their way. Victims will survive. They will find a way just like I did. 

Oh Colin, you fool. What a twat you've been. I am so acutely aware of how fortunate I am that instead of enjoying this life I have fought extremely hard for, I have been giving myself over completely, almost, to fighting for others. No wonder I feel on edge and tired all of the time, especially when much of what I have been doing brings me into touch with people who want anything but peace-those who victimise. 

I don't want to be utterly self centred and have an all right Jack attitude but I also can't be this 'Colin to the rescue' fool either. I want to enjoy the life I have won for myself, not now throw it away out of a sense of duty because I have it so good now. Even I see this as quite frightful. I need a break. A serious 'leave me alone' break and even as I write that I can hear this voice telling me off and saying how I never can know how what I do might just save someone and if I am going to stop being here for others, then what? I really have been silly. Very. 

Plenty for me to ponder I think.

Our Town - Iris DeMent (H.Q.)

How can one not cry when hearing this? It breaks my heart.

TANTRA'S CHASE ME ( 6 months old)