ACCEPTING TRUTH

DISABLED SOULS

  oh my! I knew a dr who had spine surgery and she told me to never allow that. I have also known others have it who say the same thing. Only one I know had aand she doesn't regret it BUT with her it was have it or not be able to walk. For her, she can walk, but like me is in constant pain.

At the risk of sounding self-pitying, I really don't understand why people don't understand that being in 24/7 IS disabling. It means one is disabled. I am not able to live a normal life. Disability doesn't just cover para or quadriplegics or the mentally affected. Frequently not being able to dress myself, frequently unable to get out of bed unaided, always unable to walk unaided, and mostly in a wheelchair for any distance more than in my house. In my house I tend to okay because I usee furniture and walls to balance myself. Plus if you are visiting, then I ma okay that day so to you, unless you really know me, I won't appear to be what most term disabled. This govt have made is so we are the targets of resentment and bitterness from others now.

 I feel guilty on my good days. Two weeks ago when i seized completely and could barely move and had to ask for outside help to get my meds for me, I actually felt PLEASED! Pleased because I was really suffering and this showed just how disabled I am. That is stupid! On my good days I feel guilty. I feel I am not earning my disability!

How many people go to the pool in their pj's? I do because if I get undressed to get dressed, to only get undressed and dressed again, I wouldn't be able to swim!

I feel guilty doing what i enjoy-dog shows. Never mind the 2.5hrs I need before I can leave my home, never mind the copious amount of morphine I need, never mind the two days recovery I need, with the first spent in agony, pills don't help much on that day. Do i complain. NO! I enjoy the show so i pay the price. That price though alos includes nasty minded people being extremely
 unkind which i did not even think about because that is not how my mind works and despite my background I am still shocked by the mean spiritedness of some and by my own naivety. 


During this cold weather, I am BORED! I went out today with John. We went into a supermarket type shop. I was very stiff by the time we got back to the car, not because I walked, but because it was cold. I get cold very quickly and cold leads to pain and stiffness and the inability to move much at all, thus more cold. Still, I went to Panini's with John, dragging out as much time as I could OUT of my house. Even with all I can do indoors, the dogs, music, tv, dvd, the iMac, FB, I still need to get out! 

How anyone in their right mind can think i am able I have no idea. How normal is it to take 2hr43mins to get up and shower and dress and ready to go out?  On a good day? (we had to time it for the tests).
Or is it I am too happy to be disabled? Too upbeat? Too independent. I don't ask for help at shows? Unless I fall over then I have no choice. Perhaps people forget about the times I fall over. Both in the ring and out. 

yes, I do handle all this well and no one likes a moaner but then one gets accused of being a fraud, a liar precisely ebcause of having the attitude that is good! 

What is the point of moaning and cry and ranting? It won't make me well.You know what i did when i was first diagnosed properly and knew I was fucked with no chance of getting better? I got in my car and DROVE to OSLO, NORWAY! It was November. It almost killed me and I was in agony most of the time and I was only fit enough to walk up and down, once, King whatever his name is street. But I DID it and knew I would never be able to again. And here I am 8 years later and I no i can't drive to Norway again. The IMPORTANT thing is that I drove to Oslo, Noway. I got see Norway, a little. I think that is amazing even if others see it as proof I am fit!

So i still say f*ck you to those who would do me down. i refuse to be miserable. I WILL wring every last ounce of joy out of my life. 

I may have severe problems with my body and be limited by it but YOU have severe problems of another sort and they have crippled your soul.

CHANGING OUR MINDS

Good morning! No, have not just got up but I have jobs to do first thing. Getting out of bed is the first job: better with the electric bed once I find the right buttons. Don't ask what happens when I don't. Then the dogs have to be let out and the squawking seagulls, I mean puppies,  now have to be let out too. Then Pussy and Megan get fed. then the puppies get fed. The adults know my drugs have not kicked in so watch out that i don't fall on them. Even Megan has cottoned on to that.

Be positive! Every cloud has a silver lining as they say. I have suffered body dysmorphia since my teens. I would look in a mirror and all I saw was a fat hideous hunchback of Notre Dam figure, even when I only weighed 7stone. I pretty much dealt with this by refusing to have a mirror. I had only a small one for many years to shave. 
Well, when I had my epiphany that all changed. We now have two large mirrors. On my bad days I don't look because if I do, I hate what i see. On my good days I see Daniel Craig. THAT is the silver lining I was referring to. It does get better, it really does. If you want it to and are prepared to do what it takes and what it takes is that you change your mind. Seriously. There is no magic pill, no magic answer. We just need to change our minds. It is of course the most difficult thing in the world to do. We often don't know what our mind is, let alone that it needs changing. For me, I had to realise that the ideas I had been taught, were just that, ideas, nothing more, and that i could create my own ideas, ideas that would enable me to live without fear and shame which was destroying me. To realise that my parent's opinion of me, the Church's opinion of me, my brother's opinions of me, were just that, opinions and nothing more, I was free. Once I realised that all any of us have is ideas. I had to change mine. The first and biggest problem I faced was to ditch the idea that if I told about the abuse, God would strike me down dead. The first six months of telling were among the most frightening of my life. So much so that I did lose it for a while. But as time wore on and I was still alive I began to realise that my therapist was right. Nothing happened bad happened to me for telling the truth.

Over the years, my ideas about myself, about life, about other people changed. I know they changed for the better because I have such a good life today. I always find that when I feel bad, it is I who needs to change MY thinking on the matter. Be it getting rid of the person, as sometimes that is how our idea must change, we change our mind about it being good for us to have such a person in our lives, or we have to change our attitude to a problem.

All of our problems from abuse, addiction, fear, shame, shyness, all of them respond only to a change in us. Deep within us. A complete overhaul of the way we think. It is simple but in practice it is not and is extremely painful but so worth doing. I am so glad I no longer live the life I used to live, in it's horrible dark dark day after day of suffering, years on end. Today, I don't often suffer in that way. My body suffering is a doddle by comparison.

If I can, you can. You just have to be prepared to change your mind. Literally. The difficult part will be finding out what your mind is. Meaning,, finding out what you really believe. That is really very astonishing. I was gobsmacked to discover some of my core beliefs about myself and others and the world. My core belief was that I was evil and unloveable and unacceptable. Once we knew that, we had to find out what the ideas were that made me think that. Well, I wasn't loved or liked or accepted by my own parents so obviously I was no good.  Not obvious at all. I eventually after years of work, came to realise that the problem hadn't been me but them. WOW! That had not occurred to me. It also wasn't that simple. i couldn't possibly believe that. if I did, God would smite me. After all, one has to Honour Thy Parents. 

I am always surprised at what I write once I start. So here you have it, my thoughts this cold and wet morning. I am happy.

Pussy's Pups 5wks

ONE POUND AT A TIME

The puppies really scoffed down their morning meal. I forgot to leave food for them during the night which is a good thing really. They have to learn to eat when given. They certainly were on this straight away even tho mum's milk bar was available.

I seem okay today. Just the usual boring details.  Will be a day of getting to grips with my program and letting dogs and pups in and out.

Whatever it is you have to do which may seem daunting, cut it down into small chunks in your mind. That way things become easier. It is why the idea of living one day at a time is often passed along. It helps and is obvious. We only ever have to think about the time from getting up to getting back to bed. That doesn't mena one doesn't plan ahead but don't fret on plans next week, or next month. No just think about today.

I once weighed 21st7lbs (303lbs). The idea of losing as much as I needed to was beyond daunting. So i didn't think about it. i thought of only losing one pound. I weighed myself every single day. Yes because I couldn't weigh myself once a week and be hit by disappointment-dangerous. So every morning, after loo, undressed. Eventually each pound lost brought me down to 13st (182lbs). In the last 5 years I have kept it off until last year which as you know was very stressful and I could exercise very little. I put on 14lbs. I am also much sicker now than I was back then. So I have done well. but it was a pound at a time.

These sayings , like a day at a time, may sound trite, but they are for real if we stop and think. If we are all over the shop, feeling crap, and in a mess, our way clearly isn't working. We need to find solutions. Finding solutions doesn't mean getting addicted to the latest New Age craze or fundy religion-yes both are addictions of the mind. No, it means starting with the little things. No matter if it's OCD (been there doen that and sometimes go back), weight loss, hoarding, needing to clean up the house. Just little chunks at a time. 

All we have is now. That is all we deal with. How we deal with now determines the next now. xo

DARLING LITTLE F*CKERS

The joy of puppies! I put them all out for maybe 30mins and they cry and whinge to come back. I pout them back in their fresh clean pen. They pee and poop! They then cry to go back out. So dutiful master puts the little dears back outside. After a while, they cry to come back in and when I go to get them, half are trying to sleep, shivering away, on the cold concrete. I put them in the clean and fresh pen again. Since then they have been playing at 'lets be a flock of seagulls'.Darling little f*ckers!

I slept well again. (I just checked the seagulls and in fact it's only one making the recket-the girl I am planning on keeping. Typical!) 

As I was having a pee and scratching my belly I noticed that there was definitely less of it and I could see the sides had all but disappeared.(there is a mirror above the loo). I weighed myself and indeed another 2lbs have gone. My Dr's fear and mine, that i might have to drop a drug or two from my arsenal were unfounded. i must day though that 1. I am back to regular swimming and being sensible about not knackering myself and forcing myself to get up at 5 every day. It seems alternate days is adequate. 2. my appetite has decreased a lot. That was another thing-the new drug does have increased appetite as a side effect. Maybe it has just gone away? Whatever, it's working for now and for that i am pleased. the awful fatigue is not with me either. Now that I really am grateful for. Fatigue is worse than pian in my book. It is hard to describe to someone who has not experienced it. It is not tiredness. Its like your body, your limbs, are heavy concrete and you have to move through treacle.

Unusually, I am stuck for puppy names. I have yet to decide on the names for the three I am keeping. yes, for now, i will be keeping two of the girls and 1 boy. Clearly I will not need two girls but I cannot perceive a difference quality wise right now. By 8 weeks I might well have.

I was going to go for Tantra's Alexander for the black and white boy because a dog I much admired from a photograph was a top winner called Ch Cheska Alexander. it was Cheska Lhasa Apso that first caught my eye and gave me my love of these dogs. Anyway, i could not live with calling my dog Alex. that name has bad associations for me and no matter how i would try, I would remember why every time I called him! Besides, I think that for me, that maybe this dog name should just be left to that dog I admired so much.

I know I said one of the girls would be Tantra's Fabulous Fanny because the Tibetan terrier that won Cruft's about 3 years ago was called Ch Araki Fabulous Willy. Now I am not so sure I will.

One also has to find names that are not to similar to the dog's ear. Like I was going to call Megan Wendy but when I called Wendy, Whitney came running.

My Lantern Moon circulars were absolutely lovely to wok with. I have only knitted a swatch, using a hairy alpaca, but it was smooth and easy, no snagging. the weight in my hands was good. The warmth too. I was concerned about the shorter than i am used to tips but have found that shorter tips are better for me!

Well, my drugs have kicked in so I must take advantage and go and bath my Pussy. She is looking decidedly ragged though nowhere near what you'd expect from rearing 6 puppies. She has done such a good job. Her weight is still plump too. 

SHAMING THE DISABLED

KNITTING

 I am glad to say that my muse is back. I have several sweaters planned to hand knit and I am working up to using my knitting machines that are now set up.

I have been on a bit of a spending spree with regard to interchangeable needles sets. The latest acquisition is one which I still cannot quite believe that I bought. You can see them above. I have yet to knit with them as I have only just unpacked them. They feel lovely in the hand, are a good weight, and feel very smooth. if you want to know how much the set is, Google it!

 As you can see they are indeed Lantern Moon Ebony Interchangeable Needles.

These are the yarns I am intending to use:

 The Cascade yarn at the top is for John and it will be an Aran.  The  Drops alpaca is going to be a textured knit  for myself and I also have the same yarn in a lovely moss green. The Alaska will also be an Aran and that will be for me.   Finally,  the Peace Fleece  yarn will also be an Aran for myself.

 I use a design software program called Design A Knit  for my machine knitting. I have been wondering whether to upgrade to version 8 and I have decided that yes I will because I will be able to chart out my Aran designs.  This will make life much easier for me as I will not have too use pieces of paper and numbers that I keep in my head. I was still basically only need the chart to do my foundation rows  unless of course the pattern changes as the sweater progresses or I decide to do something like Raglan in which case I will print out the full instructions. I have always done all this in my head but I confess that it has been increasingly more difficult to do the more painkillers that I have to take.

Once I have found a folding table that is lightweight I will also be back to dyeing my yarns for sale.

 DISABILITY

This is such a sore subject for me, pardon the pun. On my really bad days there is a part of me that feels  I am earning my disability status and benefit.

This government have succeeded in making people on disability benefits the target of the general public's anger. They have succeeded in blaming us for the deficit. I find that on Facebook or people that I meet when I am out in my wheelchair frequently offend me by constantly bringing up unasked  the subject of disability fraud. They always add "we don't mean you of course". That is designed to make what they say not offensive and it does not work. The government's own independent enquiry found out that 0.07% of disability claims were fraudulent. I cannot understand why people's anger is not put where it belongs: upon the rich who do not pay their taxes, the banks for behaving like boys with Monopoly money, and the politicians.

Not long ago I received the most vile email attacking me for being on disability benefits and yet attending dog shows. They accused me of being a fraud and in their ignorant state that I should go to a hospital and see in mobile people in their beds-the real disabled as she put it. What shocked me the most was that this was somebody whom I actually knew. The venom and the ignorance truly caught me by surprise and devastated me for a couple of days. In fact it frightened me. I was not hurt in the sense that I am sorry to have lost this person out of my life because I am not. Know what frightened me was the venom with which the letter was written and for a while I thought I do not leave my house. I felt as if I would be watched during my every move.

People really have to get a grip with what disability is and is not. The vast majority of people who are disabled are not immobile. Look at the Paralympics!

 Chronic pain that is severe and 24/7 counts as disability. The fact that I am able to be on my feet for short periods of time and even walk very short distances with the aid of canes and lots of drugs does not make me able. I am still disabled.  My balance is such that I fall on a regular basis. My bowel and my bladder do not work properly, I have heart disease, my spine is falling apart, I have neurological disease, and on top of that  I am bipolar. 

As I write this I feel embarrassed because it feels like I am moaning and of course  being English I was brought up to have a stiff upper lip. I also feel very uncomfortable because I feel that I am justifying my disability benefit. A lot of the time I have even wondered myself if I deserve the status of disabled. My doctor could not believe that I even asked her the question. She told me to ignore the government and those resentful jealous people. She told me that I am in no way capable of work and that I am very fortunate to be able to do what I managed to do and she says I am only able to do that because I have courage and determination. She supports me in every way she can because she believes in quality-of-life and therefore I am prescribed strong opiates without which I would not be able to swim, walk, nor attend dog shows.

I have shared on here some very personal things regarding the abuse I went to was a child and I did so gladly and without shame. I know that it has been of benefit to others and I continue to write on that subject. I used to publicly speak on it and raise money but I can no longer do that. 

However, writing the above about my disability has been a very unpleasant experience and I feel very uncomfortable sharing my feelings about it. It makes me feel like I have stood naked in front of people. I know that other disabled people feel exactly this way. They too have been shamed. There are so many illnesses that make one disabled where one does not look it. Ignoring me completely, there are diseases like lupus and multiple sclerosis which are very disabling in many people  yet they are not necessarily visible. My best friend has multiple sclerosis and you would have no idea if you met her because like me she is a determined person and proud and she fights.

 It seems that those of us who show tremendous courage and fortitude  in the face of our disability and pain are penalised and shamed for it.

THE RCC CRIME SYNDICATE

It has been too long since I have written a blog post. The trouble is that since I have been on Facebook it is just so easy to share my thoughts on the spot. I am going to try to make blog writing part of my day like it used to be. I am certainly not going to leave Facebook so I can only endeavour to do as I have said. My blog has been very meaningful to me and I know that it is to other people also and I therefore feel that it is important to keep it up.

ABUSE

As any survivor of abuse will understand there is just no part of our lives and that is not informed by the abuse we suffered. This does not mean that we wallow in self-pity. It just means that we experience our world in a way that is different to others. It cannot be any other way. Our brains are programmed in that way because of our past. This is absolutely no different to any other living  human being.  All of us are informed by our past and it dictates how we see the world.

I recently had to intend a bladder clinic to get help for my bladder problem.  It did not go exceedingly well. Not at all. The specialist nurse that I saw, although very nice and amusing, left me feeling quite shaken. She asked me how much did I drink each day and I informed her that I drank  between six and eight litres a day.  She then informed me that she would not be giving me the pads that I needed nor really be doing anything else until I cut down to 2 L a day. I was greatly upset by this. Not straightaway. It didn't really hit me until the Sunday where her words basically brought me to tears. Because of my disease there is so much that I have to do each day and so much that I have to not do each day that I really felt that I just could not cope with having to restrict my water intake as well. From the moment I heard her words I immediately felt guilty every time I took a sip! Now this is one of those situations where past abuse certainly does inform the present! I overcame the situation rather quickly. I telephoned my doctor and I explained to the receptionist that I was in a bit of a mess and within an hour my doctor had called me. She immediately told me to ignore what I had been told, to have a blood test the following day, and to have an appointment with her today.

Of the most amusing thing is that the blood tests showed that I was dehydrated!  I had not reduced my drinking. The test for my thyroid and my liver function also came back normal and so did whatever else was tested.

I had got into such a tiz that I had wanted to stop  taking most of my medications believing that they were stopping me from losing weight and had probably caused my weight gain of 14lbs.  in fact what had caused the gain was pain  which has been significantly worse over the last few months of last year not to mention all of the stress of last year. During the last two weeks my weight has started to drop significantly because I am able to swim again. 

The swimming regularly again has greatly been enabled by a drug called oxycodone. I take one of these with two of my morphine and I'm able to swim very well. The oxycodone has a rather peculiar effect on me in that it energises me rather than the sleepy effect it has on most people! Thus I am able to swim. I feel so much better as a result.

 KNITTING

 I have a few projects ready to be designed and knitted. Two of them will be simple knit and purl  chequered sweaters with either set in sleeves all raglan sleeves. I am using Drops alpaca for this.  I already have one sweater knitted with this yarn and it is beautiful. I use it double on 4 mm needles.

 I have three Aran sweaters to design.  For this I have Drops Alaska, Cascade 220, and Peace Fleece worsted weight which is 75% merino 25% mohair. 

 I will be able to design the cable patterns I will use on my computer which is going to make life much easier for me.  I have used a software program called Design A Knit 
 for my machine knitting for many years.  Now the upgrade allows me to design hand knits as well.  So I will be able to chart it all out before I  knit my swatch.   No more having to keep it in my head.

 I no longer knit small pieces of pattern, measured them, and put them all together for designing Aran.  I usually knit 150 stitch swatches.  this makes it much easier on me and also makes it much more accurate. I also know that the actual sweater will not be much wider than my test piece.

 I have yet to commence using my machines again even though my machine room is ready to use and just requires a little adjustment. However, I have a letter of 4 1/2 week old puppies  to deal with and they are wonderful time wasters! Although I consider it a joy to sit and play with them and joy is never a time waster.

ABUSE AGAIN

There is much more to share particularly on the ongoing situation with the Roman Catholic Church and its deliberate shielding of criminals. I just do not have the energy right now to write about this. Suffice to say I am sick of all of the people that comment on the written pieces about this all full crime trying to defend the Pope and his bishops who are responsible for covering up crimes for many years and yet they cannot find one word of kindness or empathy toward the victims of this abuse. This really angers me and I often weigh in  with my comments. This is on the Anne Rice page on Facebook.  The callous disregard  of the victims of abuse may anger me but the complete lack of self-awareness  shown by many of the writers  just astounds me. Not only do I not understand how they can at best ignore the victims and at worse blame the victims, I am at a total loss to understand how they can still venerate people who have proven to be criminals. Part of me understands the damage done to the mind when indoctrinating as children and then I think of the way that I was indoctrinated and how I have overcome my own indoctrination and I wonder why these people have not done the same instead of continuing to contribute to the evil.

ARAN STYLE SWEATER

Knitted on 2.75mm circulars, back and forth using Drops Baby Ull. Still in progress. My own design.

Neck done firstly using 2mm and continued with 1.75mm

PUSSY'S PUPS

LOSING IT

My Dr is so good. I am having blood tests on Wednesday and then a double appointment with her. We will find a way to juggle or change my drugs to see if this alters my weight. The blood tests is to see if my thyroid is okay am,ongst other things. 

I have not ever felt so uptight about my health. Pain is easy, I can deal with hat but the need for lots of sleep and the weight gain despite eating little is doing me in. I must get my routine back and I just am not able to. I have been swimming almost daily, which is good, but it is at differentent times of day. I used to be up, no trouble, at 6am every day, and finished swimming and home by 8.30am. This left the rest of the day to rest, do dogs, knit, nap, whateverv. I want that back.

I am NOT depressed. I am juts angry and upset about this inability to get into routine. My Dr understands its a problem and she also understands how my equilibrium is best served by being in a good routine. I can't bear this hodge podge way of doing things. Like this morning I ought to have driven John to the Dr for his appointment and I could not get out of bed. I did not wake again until 11am. I am not dozing, I am not dreaming. I am in deep sleep without waking for anything up to 11 hours and then I think oh shit, i won't sleep tonight and yet i go to bed at the normal time, I start to read and I wake 10 hours later, sitting up, kindle in my lap, on the same page. I don't feel fatigued at all during the day. I am in very much more pain since last Monday and am taking much more pk's but not more than previously able to handle. I don't feel sleepy on them and I do NOT take them with my night drugs becasue morphine gives me nightmares.(common side effect.) 


I've got Cruft's coming up and I am so afraid I won't have an outfit to wear and I'll look like a crippled slob. I HAVE to get rid of this weight, only 10 fucking pounds, but it has stuck like glue. I am eating no more than 1500 cals a day and it hasn't budged an ounce. I don't want to go back to the 'the man  with the sticks'.I LOVE dressing up and it makes me feel real, it makes me exist as COLIN, not ignored and abandoned. I feel helpless. I want it back. I love that man, the one I finally became and now I feel like he is slipping away and I am becoming the man of old, the victim, the miserable fat crippled slob I was for years when I thought everything was my fault. I don't understand this at all. I can feel him slipping thru my fingers each day going further away. I can't let that happen but I don't know how to stop it. I can feel myself drowning.

I can deal with pain. I don't care about pain. I am expert at dealing with and ignoring pain. It's all this other shit with it I can't handle and makes me feel so desperate. 

My idea was to come off all of my drugs and see what happened but Dr has explained that would be crazy and dangerous.

I love being in the water despite it hurting like hell but eyes closed, mind on something importnat to me, likke the puppies, and soon I am away from the pain and moving freely in the water. In the water, once the pk's work and my mind trick works, I feel so free and warm and agiule and weightless. It is truly gorgoues. I do enough of it for iot to be considered a good wrokout. Yet still my weight won't budge. Damn. 

HOLOCAUST MEMORIAL DAY

Although you would not think so from the poeple appearing ion the tv talking about it, Holocaust memorial Day DOES include gay people, disabled people, gypises etc. Did you know that gay survivors, far from being helped and compensated, were in fact imprisoned and considered to have brought the holocaust upon themselves. Unfortunately, every speaker on this day have so far failed to mention the gay people who suffered and died in the camps, let alone those who survived and whose stories were ignored and suppressed.

The type of hatred that led to the Holocaust is rife today. I red it on here very day. Every time I hear people moaning about the East Europeans, the lies about how Muslims wih 10000 kids egt free houses and benefits, every time I hear about about 'foreigners' getting benefits and housing just by turning up. THIS is what led to the the Holocaust.

Every time I hear ga pople being spoken of as if we are 'less than', every time I hear the disabled referred to as frauds and 'costing too much'. 

THIS is why I am so vocal and adamant about such things. I KNOW where it can lead. Anytime you de-humanise us, the Holocuast is just around the corner. Every time you de-humanise ME, I shudder. I know my history. I don't forget the holocaust. When I was young and learning about it, first hand too as we had friends who were survivors, one Jewish , one gay. I though back than that this was another world they were talking about. I never in a million years thought it would happen again. Yet it has happened agin-in Africa, in Bosnia. And listening to the rhetoric of my fellows on FB, in the newspapers, on Twitter etc I fear very much that it could happen again here. We are in bad economic times. Instead of saving our ire for the rich and the bankers and politicians, we have turned against each other, juts as those in power want, and it is this that can so easily lead to another holocaust.
I feel a shudder of fear whenever I hear our religious leaders condemning me as evil, as the reason society is falling apart, as a danger to children, as the source of all that is evil in our society. What is more they are allowed to! Just swap black, jew, asian, for agy and you just might see the evil in theri words. But, hey, as long as it's not you they are condemning, it's okay isn't it? Seriously, when you read/hear Melanie Phillips, Hitchins, the Pope, the archbishop, Widdicomb speak about us, substitute the word gay for black, jew, woman, asians and you just might get it.


Telling me to ignore it, in other words shut up, doesn't wash. Until the threat to m y life and the lives of others is not threatened on a daily basis by these bigots, I will not shut up.

KNITTING MUSE RETURNS

This yarn is beautiful to work with and to wear. I use two ends knitted on 4mm needles. You can see my previous sweater knitted with this yarn here:  Alpaca

This is going to be another aran. I have knitted one, my very first, in this yarn before. You can see that here:  Alaska

I have not used this yarn before. it is by Peace Fleece and is 75% wool and 25% mohair. This will be an aran type sweater.

I have not used this yarn before either. It is 100% Peruvian wool. This will also be an aran type sweater.

mary grace

I filmed this today.

I EARNED IT

John and I were talking but I cannot remember what about. All I can remember is what he said: your trouble is you always think that you don't deserve it.

I know I have touched on this subject before, particularly when  I bought the dream hi-fi system for us both. I still look at it and wonder how I could have done such a thing. However, this does not stop me from using it and appreciating the beautiful sound.

Barely a day goes by that I do not feel grateful for what I have. Perhaps though gratitude is not what I actually feel. It may be much closer to guilt.

 Here I am up late in a fair bit of discomfort. I can only say that I have brought this discomfort upon myself. I have been doing this to myself quite a lot recently. And I find myself sitting and wondering what on earth am I doing.

 I have a somewhat rigid eating regime that I have managed to stick to for many years.  It is vital for my health and my well-being that I do this. Recently, I have been going off the rails. Occasionally at first through most of 2012 until the last two or three months where it has become much more than occasionally. Never mind what this does to me psychologically, it causes me much physical discomfort and pain. In the long run through weight gain it causes too much stress on my already in trouble body and my diseased heart.

As I ponder this, I sit in our beautiful new living room looking at our beautiful TV and the furniture and the hi-fi system. I am also surrounded by my lovely dogs and my new puppies. I think of how the last few years have seen my dreams come true with regard to my dogs and their showing success. I also think of John, this wonderful man who has been at my side for better or for worse for nearly 32 years. It has not been at all easy as life with me has been extremely difficult as I came to terms with my past. He has loved me through out all of this.

What the f*ck am I doing?  Am I really going to let old tapes dictate to me that I am not good enough for all of this? That I don't deserve it?

Or is it really that I am afraid?  Since the day that we got married back on our 31st anniversary, July 7,  the fact that we will be parted because one of us is going to die has weighed heavily upon me.

As I write I begin to see that this has far much more to do with fear than it has to do with guilt. As a child I was used to everything I felt anything for being taken away. We moved constantly. I was always lied to and told that those I was leaving would be there when I returned. We never did return. We did once briefly return and it was clear to me that life had moved on and they barely remembered me. Later it was  the leaving of my dogs that broke my heart because I had by then given up being close to people. I hold my head in my hands in a mixture of sad  resignation and a feeling of shame that I cannot just keep the f*cking past in the past.

 Most certainly I have not worked in the conventional sense but I most certainly have worked my balls off to have what I have today; my 32 year relationship,  my dogs and our home.

It took absolutely everything I had to get to where I am. I cannot imagine any work being harder than the work I have had to put in just to survive. I sometimes wonder whether there is any point at all in trying to convey just how much tenacity, courage and strength  it took to get here. I cannot go back and show you myself at my very worst.  How can I explain how far down I was?

Yet still I allow others to throw me off and have me yet again measuring myself according to the yardstick of others. Maybe I need to try and stop explaining myself. I know and John knows and two of my closest friends know just what surviving took for me. The present state of my body is indeed some indication of the toll surviving took upon me.

It is time for me to put much of this to bed. Yes, I have survived and I have survived well. Whilst I will never deny my good fortune I must also stop denying what I have done to bring about my own good fortune. I also realise that it can be considered ungrateful of me to now not enjoy the life I have built for myself.

 I do not know how many tomorrow's we have left together. None of us knows that. I have not let fear stop me reaching out for the healing of my mind and my spirit and now that I am in this good place I must not let my fear of tomorrow ruin my today.

If I step outside of myself and look over my life and look at what I now have it makes no earthly sense whatsoever to deny myself the enjoyment of it.

 I have worked my balls off for every bit of it. I have earned it. It was not handed to me on a plate. I did not steal it.  I did not take it from anybody. I did not step upon anybody to get it.

No, I earned it and it is time that I straightened my back and enjoyed it.

DOGS IN THE GARDEN

Megan Moving

ROLLING PUSSY

BIG BANG SOCKS

These were using one of my own Knitmans Kitchen yarns, 80% sw merino 20% bamboo, 400m to 100gm. I used Chiao Goo Red Cable 2mm circulars, both knitted simultaneously. I used my own Andersson Toe Up Method and used the Andersson Heel Mach II.
I am glad I got a pair that pooled for me. A rare occurrence!

I AM NOT A BURDEN

THIS IS WHAT I WROTE IN RESPONSE TO ANOTHER DISABLED PERSON HAVING TROUBLES FILLING OUT FORMS AND FEELING HATED BECASUE THE GOVT HASS MADE WE, THE DSABLED, AN ISSUE:

  I truly feel for you. here we have professional form fillers. Those who understand the forms and how to answer them. What one has to understand from the outset is that they will do all they can to make sure you do not get the benefit, including lie. So one needs these professional people on our side. The questions are designed to trap you. The very first question about mobility, if answered wrongly, will not score and they will not go any further looking at the claim. They will reject it there and then at the first question. Why? The question asks if one can propel oneself a certain distance (with sticks, a wheelchair). I would have answered yes, in a wheelchair. I would not have thought it necessary to point out that my wheelchair is electric. So I fail. 

Also, people need to say, yes, but with resting time. yes but with a lot of pain. yes with bad gait and balance. yes but then i couldn't go further and I'd need a day to get over it. They also do not take into account that conditions, most, vary day to day and what one can do one day, one cannot the next. 

Then there are those question about how often one needs to toilet and how long does it take? Some adjucicators will think that if one pees into a bucket, you don't need help completely ignoring the fact theat said bucket could not be emptied by the disabled person and the fact that the benefit is supposed to help one live a NORMAL life. My life is not normal. 

One question we were asked is how long does it take me to get up and dressed to go out. I had no clue. John said about 3 hours and I said to him, don't exaggerate, that won't help. Well, the form filler said we should time it. 

From getting out of bed, taking drugs, getting washed, getting dressed, putting shoes on, and being ready to go out. On a good day that took 2hrs and 43 minutes. Shocked? Yes, so was I . 

You see most of us deal with it by adapting. Adaptation is slow and unnoticeable. I had been sick for many years. I refused help for years. I refused drugs. I refused to accept I was disabled. I ended up stranded in Stockholm, in terrible pain, unable to walk and very frightened. I have used sticks and a wheelchair ever since because I realised that without I was limiting my life. I still refused drugs to help me until the end of 2007. As a result, I have nerve damage and it takes more drugs to ease pain than it would have had I medicated 20 years earlier. 

Untreated pain causes nerve damage and means that more drugs are needed to be effective. Anyway, back to the form: I used to say i could shower myself. I can, after a fashion. But that isn't what is meant. You see, being proud and stubborn and tenacious, I would say yes I can shower myself when what that means is I can manage to get my clothes off and then on because I do not wear proper clothes but 'leisure 'wear (fancy word for PJ's) when I know I a need to shower. I can stand under a shower. It is dangerous with out stuff to lean on or hold onto thus I did it only at the pool for years and if I was too sick or too immobile to go to the pool I did not shower, maybe for two weeks. So when I can shower, I dress over a wet body or sit and wait to air dry. That means my answer whould be NO. 

I cannot use heavy pots and pans or handle knives. Thus my veggies are all bought ready done or John has to do them. Mostly I eat chicken cos it is ready cooked and I nuke it to warm it. When I have steaks that need cooking it is done in a pan that is already on the hob and all I have to lift is the meat. 

You see, I look okay to most people unless you see me in my wh/chair or on both sticks. Even then you'd have no idea exactly what I can't do or can do. I cannot write anymore. I am often asked to fill out forms and I always say, 'I am sorry, I can't write'. I also always add, 'I used to be able to write but my illness makes it impossible now' because I do not want people to think I can't write. I know it ought not matter but it does. 

When I go out for day or to a dog show, I overdose on morphine to ensure I do not have a bm. The same when we go shopping for the day or on holiday. Yes, if I am out with John I always could have him help me but really I do not want that. It's bad enough that he has to do all sorts for me. I know he loves me and I know he likes to help me but there are limits for me. 

So with knowing just a small part of what we go through perhaps people will see why we are so upset at the attacks upon us and the thoughtless comments. 

People also need to know that disability is not just about the money. Without the Blue Badge I'd be unable to go most places and holidays would be out of the question. Without a car, I'd not be able to go to the supermarket. Anywhere. I'd not get to my Dr's surgery. 

Those who know me know I can walk. Those who know me well know how I walk and those who are close know the pain it causes. 

 I really have no idea how the fakes manage it. Nor do I understand why they would put themselves through the humiliation and abuse to get a measly sum of money. I also don't see how they can afford to bribe Dr's for a serious diagnosis AND get serious drugs out them. 

You see it is not enough to have the diagnosis. If i also wasn't being given copious amounts of heavy duty drugs, and have prescriptions to prove it, I'd fail. 

I also am expected to see specialist and physios. Even the physio knows that doing serious physio is not possible but we go thru the rigmarole anyway. 

Lucky for me I can swim and I can put my mind elsewhere when i do because although the drugs stop severe pain when swimming, it doesn't stop my left arm going numb, electric shocks travelling down both arms. I am lucky because I am able to think of other things and get lost in that. I know most people cannot do that. I don't think they are fakes or they are lazy. I learned disassociation in a horrid horrid way so I now use it for good. I don't blame others for not being able to. 

 For the last couple of years any meeting with people, no matter how casual, if the conversation lasts, it inevitably turns around onto the economy and I know when it does I am about to be insulted. They will always, ALWAYS, bring up the disabled and how terrible it is how the frauds give the 'real' disabled, like you, God we don't mean you, we know you are genuine, no we mean those frauds who make it bad for those like you. In affect it is THEY who making it bad for people like me because they have swallowed the lie and keep repeating it. 

Now it is foremost in people's minds so that when they see a disabled person or a Blue Badge they think 'fraud'. I have written far more than I intended but it needs to be said and perhaps some will take it on board or they won't. 

We can all think we know someone who is defrauding the system. But we cannot know for sure. That person may seem healthy to you. I have had people say to me'oh i have the same disease as you' as they go off to spend the day walking around the shops. 

 How about this though next time you think you want to blame: what about the workemn you pay in cash? The insurance claims you make that are not kosher? The cheap goods you buy and don't ask where they came from? The cash in hand jobs you do or have done? The cheap tobacco and booze you buy from the man down the road? Now because I know people who do this should I class you all the same? Should I say to you every chance I get'oh I know YOU don't but most people are defrauding th tax man.''. 

 Why do we, the poeple, who have elcted the people in government to govern FOR US behave as if the Govt are all powerful and that those we envy and want to emulate, the rich, are all good and benevolent along with the Govt and yet we save our ire and scorn for ourselves, the majority of whom are not rich and not politicians and bankers and we most certainly did NOT cause this mess and we are NOT the budren. 

The old are not a burden. the sick are not a burden. The disabled are not a burden. The poor are not a burden. Children are not a burden. The rich and the politicians and the bankers are the burden. 

 We need the rich. I have nothing against the rich. Without the rich we wouldn't have jobs. All those people in service industries would be out or work. The designers and factories etc. We need them and not all of them are tax dodgers or immorally rich. Look at the good Bill Gates does with his money and there are very very very many of them who do good and who are philanthropists and are humble about it. 

We need bankers. We need politicians. What we need though is for these rich and these bankers and our politicians to be HONEST, have integrity, and compassion, and who behave in an ethical fashion.

 It is not that they are rich or that thay bank or that they are politicaians that makes them bad. No it is the character flaws. 

 I am very fortunate. I have gone from being very poor to being comfortable. I have never once forgotten being poor. Not once. It is only in recent years I have started to spend on myself and feel okay about it. Prior to 8 years ago, I did not have more than 2 pairs of shoes for example! Gulit prevented me enjoying being comfortable for far too long.