High School Senior "Comes Out" in Assembly

New Lives at Tantra

The litter of six is out of my wonderful black BISS Ch Polielins Whitney with Tantra JW and by Ch Kutani Secret Agent.


Tantra's Waldo(the gold brindle) and Tantra's Winston are by our Terendak Supa Luque for Polielin ex Dimara Aunt Edna. Winston is staying and Waldo is for sale.

SABOTAGE

When I had my nap yesterday afternoon I had a dream which confirmed to me what has been going on for several months.

In the dream I saw two men in canoes.  They were talking about a canoe race.  I was in another canoe but I could not see myself because it in the dream I was seeing these other two.  They were talking about how they prevent me from winning.  How they sabotaged me.

I had begun to think recently about why I had taken several steps backwards.  I had begun to stay in much more than go out.  I had stopped entering dog shows, my excuse being that after Leeds I felt there was no point.  Even if it was true that there was no point continuing to show Whitney, I have Mary-Grace to show.

Not just as regards my dogs but life in general had been going very well.  Yes dealing with the tax situation to the last 18 months has been very stressful but I really don’t think that has anything to do with it.

I have always had trouble with being around people.  I do not like groups, crowds, parties, that sort of thing. Going to dog shows took an enormous effort on my part but I did it and then when I really started to dress the part to show Whitney I did enjoy the lovely compliments I got from people. However it became increasingly more difficult for me.

I now realise that the suspicions I have had about why I had taken these steps backwards were confirmed by this dream.  Quite simply I am not used to having a life that goes well and I think deep down there is still a part of me that the leaves I do not deserve success and contentment.  I sabotaged myself.

I think now that I know this, I will be able to rectify the situation.  With my pool being closed for eight weeks I have of course put on weight but I also have been careless as this has been part of myself sabotaged.  Right now I could not get into any of my show clothes.

I do feel brighter and more optimistic today because I know from past experience that once I recognise what is going on I can usually change it quite easily.

There is no reason at all I should not enjoy life to the maximum and I have to dump this idea that I don’t deserve it.

Come to think of it I’m not sure now that that is what is at the root of it.  I know as a child that any expression of happiness was crushed with “it will all end in tears”.

I think it is a combination of both these things.  Whatever, I am going to get my Mojo back.

it gets better-----a music video by rebecca drysdale

LIFE AS IT HAPPENS

KNITTING

I have just one sleeve left to do on John’s cashmere/cotton sweater and I think I may get that finished today. 

I have also been knitting a swatch on 4.5 mm needles for a twisted stitch sweater.  The swatches 121 stitches wide and I shall probably knit another 10 or so rows before I remove it wash it and measure it.

DOGS

Wendell went to his new home with the lovely Tracey on Saturday and I know that he is going to have a wonderful life with her.  Waldo has yet to find a home but he will.  I never worry about my puppies being sold, the right home always comes along.

Winston, who we are keeping, went into town yesterday afternoon and he reacted to it all very well.  He wanted to meet all the people he saw and the dogs and the only hesitation he showed was when he wanted to bound along and discovered that the lead would not allow that!

Whitney’s puppies are doing extremely well.  They are 17 days old today.  On Saturday I did get rather concerned because they were dirty and smelly and Whitney did not appear to be interested in keeping them clean.  Since they were born she has not been particularly good at keeping them clean and I have often had to do that myself but on Saturday I was concerned that something was wrong and I got really worried and upset about it.  However, she and they settled and by Saturday evening they were all perfectly clean and they still are so it seems that finally she’s figured out what she is supposed to do. I did try butter on the bum trick but it didn’t work.  She came to cleaning them up on her own.  They are fat and warm.

What I find very interesting is that the three black girls all look the same and are probably like Whitney for type.  However the three boys do not look like the girls at all and they don’t look like each other! Apart from one of the boys which is an obvious no-no as regards keeping, the other two boys look interesting but don’t look like anything I’ve ever had before so I will basically have to wait as they get older and see what happens.

HEALTH

My body is not doing particularly well and I am wondering if I have now gone down another rung on the ladder in the progression of my disease.  I have had to use a stick in the house for a little while now and I have never had to do that before.  I find I cannot rise off the settee or out of bed without it and I need to use it as I walk around to balance me. I have also been really exhausted.  It has just come to my mind that this plunge coincided with me also having the flu so perhaps that is the only reason and I will improve again.  It certainly may explain how tired and weak I feel and the need for the stick.

I started back at the swimming pool last week but I only went twice because I just could not manage it again.  I went this morning and it was the better of the now three swims that I’ve had.  It remains to be seen how I feel later today or more importantly tomorrow morning.

I’m certain I have said before that the pain part I can deal with and I accept it easily, drugs dial it down. (if you are like me you would expect that painkillers do precisely that-kill pain.They do not.  Even the morphine, which is good, does not get rid of pain altogether.)  The part I find the most frustrating and that can get me down is the fatigue-the inability to do what I want to do, when I want to do it! Sometimes even sitting and hand-knitting is too much effort.  However, I can still do all sorts of things and it could be a lot worse so…

Edna's Puppies

Winston 20 11 2011

Charity Rescuing Child Sex Slaves

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Persecution? These Christian hoteliers have no idea | Ben Summerskill | Comment is free | guardian.co.uk

Persecution? These Christian hoteliers have no idea | Ben Summerskill | Comment is free | guardian.co.uk

MORE THAN A P.I.T.A.–REVISITED

The thrust of my post More Than Are Pain In The Arse was to explain that I cannot always be thoughtful and polite and unemotional. I can overreact and be quite rude without meaning to be. Unfortunately, I failed to explain myself properly in that post. It seems that it was construed mainly as a call for people to be more sympathetic towards me which is NOT what I had in mind at all!

“The feeling of not being able to control one's own body is really very frightening and when one lives daily with this kind of frustration, it's practically a miracle that we have any sort of control over our "bitchiness"! And control it is, in some cases superhuman control, just to remain pleasant in the face of this pain that grinds us down.

Please do feel free to "lose it" whenever you need to - most of us do understand, and those that don't - maybe they will learn a bit of compassion....... “

The above is quoted from one of the commentators and describes very accurately what I was trying to say. The post came about because a dear friend got very upset with me when I stated that my feelings have been hurt. Not only was I in a great deal of pain that I also had the flu and I just overreacted. In turn, I was hurt and taken aback by their response to my hurt.I had to let it go as they were not going to understand.

I am not seeking carte blanche to behave badly or to say whatever I damn well please regardless of people’s feelings. Just that those who know me know that I never ever seek to hurt anybody and if I am being grumpy well you ought to know the reason by now and not take it so personally. It can make the friendship far too much hard work if I feel I have to walk on eggshells. To be frank it takes a great deal of energy, mental and emotional energy, just to get through each day and I just don’t have the time all the inclination to have to pet people as well. If you are in my life it is because I care about you and I have let you win and I trust you and with that comes the choice to overlook one’s little foibles.I am just asking the same in return.

PRECISELY

‎"On that day many will say to me, “Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many deeds of power in your name?” Then I will declare to them, “I never knew you; go away from me, you evildoers.” " ~Matthew 7:22-23

FRATERNAl SOCKS

These started off as machine knitted 'blanks', long strips. I then painted both with dye. One blank i painted vertically, the other horizontally. You can see the result. I used 2mm circular needles, knitted alternately so that they finished at they finished at the same time. I used my own Andersson Toe Up Construction Method utilising the revised Andersson heel Mach II. The yarn is a generic 75% virgin wool 25% nylon, 425m 100g

GRITtv: John Fugelsang: Bible Lessons for Westboro Baptist

DEAD END ROAD?

I’m not at all sure what I’m about to write but sometimes it does help to clear things in my mind if I do.

I have felt for a long time that my spiritual path seems to have come to a dead end.  In London I was very busy as regards taking services however I cannot get around London anymore for the lack of parking.  Out here, I am not appreciated.  One of the Spiritualist churches were at least upfront by telling me that I was not approved of.  I am fairly certain that this is the case with all the others who no longer book me.  I add here that it was not my mediumship that was not approved of.  I was told that by the want to have the guts to tell me why they weren’t in the book and I am confident enough in my own abilities to know that I give good sound solid evidence not wishy-washy airy fairy crap that could apply to anybody.

I quite frequently go just to sit in the audience because I find I can relax and I often take advantage of the hands-on healing which for a brief period while it was going on I am relieved of my pain.  I seem to drift off and whilst I’m aware of the heat of the hands upon me I am also aware of the physical pain just seeping away.

I keep being given the same message over and over again and I really just do not know what it means. I was told it again yesterday.  It is this: I am not fulfilling my role and I need to push myself forward.

Now I know I am not fulfilling my role.  For the reasons mentioned above and also because of my health.  The last two services that I have done, one of which was about 50 miles away and another about 90 miles away, left me completely useless the following day just like a dog show does.  To be frank I don’t think I’m being too self-centred to suggest that taking 48 hours out of my life in order to work for an hour and a half is asking too much of me.

However it has frequently been suggested to me that I can do my work through writing.

Do I start making my blog much more spiritually inclined? Do I start offering communication via e-mail or the telephone? Even these I cannot do without limit and without it taking its toll on me.  I certainly have no trouble participating in spirit communication over the telephone and I don’t think I would have any via the written word either but like I said I’m not even sure that to a day would be realistic.

Maybe all I need to be doing is writing much more about my life experiences and how spirituality has played the foremost role in where I am now.

Okay I am at the end of this post and it’s no clearer in my mind. I am still puzzled as to what it is I need to be doing.  I do certainly feel that I’m wasting my gifts that I cannot force people to change their bigoted attitudes nor can I force them to book me.  Apart from which as I have already stated my health gets in the way.  It or not prevent me completely, but it certainly does limited.

My Blackberry Is Not Working! - The One Ronnie, Preview - BBC One

Tucker piano Dec 7'2010.wmv

Cathleen Falsani: Is Evangelical Christianity Having a Great Gay Awakening?

Cathleen Falsani: Is Evangelical Christianity Having a Great Gay Awakening?

IT’S MORE THAN A PAIN IN THE ARSE

If you asked John he would tell you that I rarely mention my pain problems and that I just get on with it.  In fact, he would tell you that I do more than I ought to and neglect to take into consideration my limitations more often than I ought.

It is not easy for me to write what I’m about to write but it has got to the point that it is really started to bother me.

I am not really talking about people who do not know me I am talking about friends. People that I care about.

I think that mostly they have absolutely no idea at all what living with 24/7 pain is really like.  Do they think that because I’m smiling I am not hurting?  Do they think I just have a sore knee?  Or maybe a toothache?  Or that my muscles are sore after a workout at the gym?  All that my legs hurt because I’ve been on them all day? I really have no idea what they think and whilst I do not need or want to be treated as a totally helpless person, I would appreciate some understanding.

Imagine if you can what it might be like to NEVER be comfortable.  Not even with painkillers.  No, not even morphine works 100%.  The only thing that does work is a drug that knocks you out cold and of course one cannot take such drugs without causing more problems.  Anyway, back to my point.  I am never ever free of pain.  If I say I am having a good day it means that my pain is less than usual and if I am having a bad day then the pain is much more than usual.  I never get any time off. I never have a good night’s sleep. In order for me to change position I have to wake up and struggle myself into a different position.  I am rarely sleep for more than two hours at a time.  A good night’s sleep for me is four hours without waking up.I also have to get out of bed a minimum of twice every night and that in itself is a pain to say the least!

I feel the need to point this out because it seems to me that people expect that I am always polite and calm in my emotions. No one seems to give me any leeway at all if I speak out of turn or if I get offended for no apparent reason or if I over react to a minor slight or even to a non-existent slight.

I am not asking any of you to feel sorry for me that is the last thing that I want.  I am asking that you try and bear in mind that I may not look ill to you that I am and it takes its emotional toll upon me.  This last week has been particularly hard on me with the flu as well and a new-born litter.  YOU may be able to take all this in your stride but the toll it takes upon me is heavy and the way it shows is that I become overemotional and touchy.  So please do not judge me harshly for those times when I am not all sweetness and light.

My friends are very important to me and I respect and love them and I always give benefit of the doubt to them and to others.  I only ask that you do the same for me. 

Thank you for reading.

Banishing Winter Blues

IDEAS NOT PERSONS

Disagreeing with a belief system and saying so without condemning the holder of the beliefs and with out name calling or passing personal comment is not hate speech. It also is not atheism(!) I read plenty of hate speech here-speech that DOES condemn the person. I try hard not to be guilty of that and I have swiftly rectified it if I have made such an error. Pointing to inconsistencies in a belief system is not hate speech though I am not ignorant enough of people that I am not aware that some will lash out. I block those people. No second chances. Only one chance to abuse me. It surprises me that others just allow it by their silence although I ought not be really as that is why abuse of all kinds happen. I will, as long as I am able, speak my mind, decrying ideas that I see as harmful or moronic, pointing out why I do, and pointing out inconsistencies as I see them. I will continue to do so as I always have - without attacking the person as ideas and people are NOT the same thing.

I wrote the above words in response to a couple of really unpleasant personal attacks.  I did not address the individuals directly and I can no longer see any of their comments because I set my membership that way.

I find people who have set ideas find it very difficult to think outside of those ideas.  I am astonished by the amount people who conclude I am an atheist because I do not share their religious beliefs.  I also fail to understand why they classify disagreement over beliefs as hate speech. Certainly, much of what these people write I consider to be hate speech because they are attacking people and specifically a group of people.  There is no point yelling hate speech at them so I just point out the inconsistencies which is enough to get one a good flogging.

In this particular discussion people were praising the Arizona State government for making it illegal to picket funerals and thus preventing the Westboro Baptist Church from picketing the funerals of the people who were killed in the shooting a few days ago. some of the posters who were deeply critical of the WBC and described them as evil etc held exactly the same beliefs as them, they just behaved differently! That sort of inconsistency and self deceit ought to be pointed out by anyone who can see it. it is very possible to do so without attacking the person.  One will still be accused of it regardless but accusation is not truth.