When I had my nap yesterday afternoon I had a dream which confirmed to me what has been going on for several months.
In the dream I saw two men in canoes. They were talking about a canoe race. I was in another canoe but I could not see myself because it in the dream I was seeing these other two. They were talking about how they prevent me from winning. How they sabotaged me.
I had begun to think recently about why I had taken several steps backwards. I had begun to stay in much more than go out. I had stopped entering dog shows, my excuse being that after Leeds I felt there was no point. Even if it was true that there was no point continuing to show Whitney, I have Mary-Grace to show.
Not just as regards my dogs but life in general had been going very well. Yes dealing with the tax situation to the last 18 months has been very stressful but I really don’t think that has anything to do with it.
I have always had trouble with being around people. I do not like groups, crowds, parties, that sort of thing. Going to dog shows took an enormous effort on my part but I did it and then when I really started to dress the part to show Whitney I did enjoy the lovely compliments I got from people. However it became increasingly more difficult for me.
I now realise that the suspicions I have had about why I had taken these steps backwards were confirmed by this dream. Quite simply I am not used to having a life that goes well and I think deep down there is still a part of me that the leaves I do not deserve success and contentment. I sabotaged myself.
I think now that I know this, I will be able to rectify the situation. With my pool being closed for eight weeks I have of course put on weight but I also have been careless as this has been part of myself sabotaged. Right now I could not get into any of my show clothes.
I do feel brighter and more optimistic today because I know from past experience that once I recognise what is going on I can usually change it quite easily.
There is no reason at all I should not enjoy life to the maximum and I have to dump this idea that I don’t deserve it.
Come to think of it I’m not sure now that that is what is at the root of it. I know as a child that any expression of happiness was crushed with “it will all end in tears”.
I think it is a combination of both these things. Whatever, I am going to get my Mojo back.
8 comments:
good for you Colin...we all need our mojo! I also believe that this time of year is tough on so many people, me included. Seems to me that sad things happen between January and February and then, Spring happens and like a little bud I can feel myself blooming as the days get longer. Don't be too hard on yourself, I love how you are recognising a pattern too. I will pick up that yarn soon!
There are days when, as my mother would have said,"We are our own worst enemy." For along time I thought I was going to have to eventually "pay" for any happiness I had. We are deserving and should go right ahead and enjoy our successes... we already paid our dues, if there is such a thing.
(hugs)
Susan
That's awesome that you are learning from the past but not dwelling on it. Exactly what is supposed to happen.
I think that is why the sun sets and rises each day, like a symbolism for us to show us each and every day is a new one, with new possibilities, we just have to roll with it :)
Ps: I have something like that with me, whenever things are going well, something happens, especially on my birthday... I dread my birthday, but I can't change it, I can't avoid it, no use worrying over it, I just roll with it, know shit happens and try and get over it as fast as I can ;)
I find that sometimes I fear success, and sabotoge myself so as to assure that I don't succeed at whatever. Not always - I really try to succeed as a nurse, and I tried hard in school, but in relationships I can see myself striving to fail. And in other areas, I sabotage my ability to even start a new project. Wierd how one does this sort of thing. But having recognised it in yourself, you will suceed, I am sure. We all deserve to be happy, and shouldn't work against our best interests.
Well done you! If I had your strength of character I wouldn't be the weight I am now!
My dear Colin, you don't know me; but I know you, because I read your blog, and of course YOU DESERVE! You deserve to be happy, you deserve all success you can get, you deserve a fully enjoyable life. GO AHEAD!
Go Colin!!! Please may I hang on to your coat-tails until Spring when I hope my own Mojo will return!
Colin, I have only just got around to catching up with your blog. My first thought as I was reading this entry was that the two men in the canoes were your brothers!
I am glad you have seen things for what they are, and especially pleased that you are going to find your mojo again and come back, better than before, hopefully.
Beverley xx
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