AN UNCERTAIN MAN IN PARIS

Two of these photographs, the dog and the camp as tits man are small bits of very large paintings. Everything I take a shot of impresses me for one reason or another. I prefer the single portraits, more of which to come, as they seem the most real to me.

The painting here of the priest and the monk makes me think of all those burned by the church and otherwise tortured and inhumanely treated. I love old churches and cathedrals and monasteries too but for their architecture and art. The feeling I get in them is one of dread and intense coldness. I can almost hear the cries of those tortured and burned by these 'holy men'. Made all the worse knowing that other 'holy men' are killing and torturing in the name of their God today - in the Middle East - and how in our more 'civilised' societies the systematic rape and abuse of children by 'holy men' and 'holy women' is covered up and thereby sanctioned by other 'holy men' and 'holy women'.

I used to think, in the days when I was almost completely disassociated, that a lot of tosh was spoken about art. I no longer think that way. Oh I still think some speak and write a lot of tosh but I do now know that art is vital and it does speak to us though what each will hear will differ.


I find it astonishing that life in the times of these paintings was brutal and short for most, was lived amongst the filth of our waste, the smell of it, truly awful, yet such beauty was created also.

I was listening to modern day 'holy people' today, speaking of life and how they think we ought to live it. Oblivious to the fact that they make life so much worse for many. They spoke of life as a gift.

A gift for whom? How can it be a gift if one is born to live a life of suffering and then to die in suffering? How can it be a gift for a child born into famine? A child born into brutal civil war? Hacked to death? Or a child who spends years in day by day abuse? A gift? Really?

There will be those so shocked or repulsed by my next words that they will think me severely disturbed or depressed. In fact there will be those who think I am better shut up, forcibly, than even to entertain the idea that I may have a point. It is their fear that speaks to them. Not my words.

I would much rather have not had a life at all. Yes, today, by comparison to the lives of others and the life I used to have, I have a good life. I understand this. Not just intellectually. I do derive enjoyment from it. I know how to make the best of things. I know that it is wiser by far to choose to enjoy what I have than to allow the negative and misery to overcome what I have. I could. So easily. I know that for me and others of such good fortune, it is pretty much down to what I allow to dominate my thoughts. I can choose to enjoy the life I have. I do choose to.

Yet, I fail to see it as a gift. If I were given the choice, I'd rather not have existed at all. Save the last few of my 52 years, life was always far more pain and struggle than joy. I didn't know joy or comfort until recently. Now I do and whereas before I longed for the end of life, now I do not , I do not want it to end.

Now I know that my death will cause pain and suffering to John and his will cause pain and suffering to me. I would prefer he went first to spare him that pain because I think I am better able to handle it as grief is not new to me. Yet the idea of yet again going into that darkness terrifies me.

The world would not stop turning if I had not existed and it will not stop when I don't exist any more.

Enjoying the beauty around me, as I have done in Paris, or when I am just simply being with my dogs, is not a feeling easy to describe. It seems pain and suffering are far easier to find words for! Joy and peace seem inadequate to describe my present when compared to my past.

If life is an accident then it is without any merit. It is pointless. My struggle, your struggle, will all have been for nought. There are those who say it isn't because our struggle makes life better for the coming generations. They neglect to remember that there will, at some point, be no more generations to come. Nothing will be of any use or importance. If the end of physical life is truly the end of consciousness, then why live it? There is no purpose. The propagation of our genes is not a satisfactory answer because science tells us this will all come to end anyway. The Universe will cease to be. Gone. As if it never were.

On the other hand, if consciousness is not extinguished by the death of the physical body, there could conceivably be a point to life. I have no idea what it is and I do not believe anyone else does either. Those who insist they know are the most afraid of uncertainty. They cling to words written down in ancient times regardless of the moral bankruptcy implicit in such clinging. Better to be cruel and immoral but be right! Their sense of righteousness quells their fear. If only for a short time. To stop it rising they must force others into silence or agreement, to shore up their defences.

Even if life is not over as death suggests, it doesn't mean life is a gift.

Could it be a choice?

If life is not a choice, that you and I did not choose to have this life, then our will is anything but free. In order for life to be a choice, then we must have existed before we were conceived. Beyond comprehension. Nuts. Crazy.

Yet we readily accept the idea of Free Will when the idea that we have a will that is free is far more than crazy. It is positively wicked. It causes pain and suffering. It is also used to justify evil.

The religious love to trot out Free Will. That their God gave us Free Will and if we use our Free Will to believe what ever tripe they are pushing, we will go Heaven, be 'saved'. If we do not use our Free Will to so believe, then we are damned. Right there is one reason Free Will is bulldust-no one's will is free when a loaded gun is pointing at them.

The other, most obvious, reason that Free Will, as so far explained to us, is not free is because we are not all knowing. We can only freely make choices if 1. we know all there is to know and 2. can make choices free of fear. It seems likely that 2. would be moot if 1. were the case.

I can see why those who insist they are right, be they atheist or theist, do so: uncertainty is scary, painful, and well, so damn uncertain! Yet uncertainty is the only honest admission. Everything else is bollocks.

It is perfectly possible to live a life that is good and happy and which does not rely on the suffering of others, based upon ideas that we cannot know the truth of. I have yet to come across a religious ideology that does not rely upon exclusion and therefore the suffering of others in order that the religious might be happy and certain.

When I choose to read the words of others, I do so with the knowledge that I am not reading TRUTH but ideas. Ideas that may or may nor resonate with my mind. It is dangerous to read the words of others as TRUTH or with the idea that one might come across TRUTH. It is an abdication of our personal responsibility to lay our life down to the words and ideas of another. No matter how old the words or ideas may be! We must always be thinking for ourselves and living according to our conscience and not the conscience of another.

It is much easier to live according to the rules and conscience of another. This is why doing so is so attractive and indeed does attract so many people to do just that. Oh they may think themselves martyrs. They may think themselves strong and brave.

It is those who can live, and live well, with uncertainty who are the strong and the brave.

Those who proclaim certainty are the weak and cowardly and most in need.

KEEPING SANE ALONG THE SEINE

The Louvre was free for me and John as were all other museums / galleries. Wheelchair users and one carer are not charged.

The Louvre was crowded. We only did the top floor as I really could not cope with more. It seems I can only take in so much before being overcome. My brain just starts to shut down on me and I become disassociated.

At least I know why Mona Lisa has that smirk on her face. She is thinking 'Look at all these twats trying to perv at me'!! The crowd around her was enormous. The guides tho told John and I to go in front of the barrier. There is a separate roped off area for wheelchair users right at the front. (The Scottish National Gallery were not so thoughtful.)



We were allowed to photograph too. Many of the exhibits were in glassed frames, thus the flare, even without the flash.

Most of the photographs I took, and most of the paintings I liked, were portraits of one person. I find the other paintings to be dull even though I am impressed by the blue used in many. (I much preferred the other gallery we went to but more of that in another post.)

I booked our trip six months prior to taking it. I telephoned the Novotel Tour Eiffel and spoke with the reception there. They gave me all the details I needed about how to get around Paris. I was told, correctly, that we could book special taxis that would take me sitting in

my wh/chair, that we could use buses that had special platforms and that all the places we would want to see were fully accessible. They neglected to tell me that the hotel itself was not accessible! The first thing you see when you go in, up a wheelchair ramp, is a pair of escalators! The reception being on the second floor. The only way for wheelchair users to get in and out is to wait for the hotel firemen (don't ask me why firemen) to take one up in the service lift at the BACK of the hotel.

Our room was supposed to be a suite. It wasn't. It was a bedroom with a small, hardly accessible room attached. This room was by the entrance so the first thing John had to do was move the sofa so I could get in. We then discovered there was no fridge , just an empty spot where it clearly had been. The supports in the disabled loo were also broken(downstairs, not in our room-there were none in our room!)

I did not complain until the morning of checking out because I did not want my stay ruined. As it was, I was correct to not do so because the manager clearly thought that the firemen deal was a good one and meant the hotel was accessible! She did not understand at all why I was unhappy and said others had not complained. We know for a fact that the other two wheelchair users we met also complained. I did get the parking charges, £125 worth, waived BUT the parking for disabled ought to be free anyhow as we have no choice but arrive by car. It is free in other places. I am still going to write to the ACCOR hotels head office though. We use this chain all of the time and the last time I wrote to them I was listened to and refunded the cost of the stay. I do not expect that but they need to do something about this hotel. Either build a lift in the lobby OR tell people it is not truly accessible.

The last night we were there we ate in the hotel restaurant. The food was good BUT the service was horrendous. The waiter didn't understand us. This is a 4 star International hotel. My steak arrived 30 minutes before my salad and vegetables. This despite me calling the manager. Our litre of sparkling water was only 50cl! It was a disaster.

I did not allow the hotel to ruin our stay at all. I loved Paris. It is not new to John, he has been many times, but it was new to me as although we had been in 2003, it was during the heatwave which had killed thousands that year. We spent most of our time in an air-con cinema watching Bruce Almighty! I was also ill but undiagnosed and not using any walking aids at all, so collapsing frequently and not knowing why. We were on a two week driving holiday around France and were staying in Orlean, from where we got a train to Paris.

We met so many kind and friendly people. From other tourists to shop staff. I wonder if shop staff, or those who look down upon them, realise what a difference they can make to strangers just by their attitude? The staff we came across treated us really well and were talkative and helpful. They appeared to go out of their way to be helpful and friendly. Unlike here in the UK I'm afraid to say. This really added to the enjoyment of my stay there.

This was the first really tourist destination I have ever been to and it was very crowded which I did not like. There were the usual ignorant arseholes who walked into me or stepped over me. The amount of people who would see me coming but did not take evasive action until they were almost on top of me and then walked across me, just missing my feet. This is SO exasperating and I hate having my space invaded like that. However, I did keep my cool and my sanity.

Everywhere we ate people were kind and helpful. Food was always good. Coffee can be very hit and miss in France but I finally figured out how to get what I want. Double espresso with hot milk on the side. This way I get a coffee with milk and not a milk with coffee!

No matter how much drug I take, I get ratty. Poor John bears the brunt of that. I get so frustrated and I feel guilty that he has to help me all the time. Feeling guilty can make me lash out and I lash out at him who I am feeling guilty about because he has to help me all the time! I only realised this on this trip. I HATE it. Yet I know that he enjoys helping me. I don't mean he is glad he has to. I just mean it makes him feel useful. He is very good at it too though sometimes I wish he were not so helpful and I end up yelling at him ' I am not a f*cking invalid, you know!'. I must be a right pain!

On Wednesday, I did a lot of walking. One stick and using my other arm to hold onto John's arm. We walked very slowly, he pushing Big Daniel with the shopping bags on the seat. I was okay that night. The next day I was tired, worse on the drive home on Friday and yesterday was terrible. Today I still feel sore and exhausted. So I guess even if I think I can do it, I ought not to. What do you want to bet I will not heed this lesson? Despite the cost, I really enjoyed walking along Paris streets, linked arms with John, and just being on my feet even if they did crunch with every step. Of the whole trip, I recall that the best. It was lovely.

The weather was dry and warm. High 70's mostly, Wednesday being in the 80's I think. My hands are tanned and they have tan lines from my wrist supports!

There are more photographs to come but this is it for now.

PARIS 22-26 MAY 2011

COMING SOON TO A MONITOR NEAR YOU…

I will be blogging in a day or so. Just haven’t been able to for a week but I am well, happy, and will be back to blogging in a day or so. I am surprised and flattered at the concern shown for my ‘disappearance’. I find myself feeling embarrassed too for just writing this. It seems grandiose to me.

THE KID

I watched a film last night called The Kid.  I almost turned it off within the first few minutes when I realised what the subject was going to be.

This is the true story of the successful author Kevin Lewis.  It was a very moving film.  Extremely well acted.  And it was brutal.  I defy anyone to watch this film and not see the miracle in those of us who have survived childhood abuse intact.

Kevin’s life was very different to mine.  The fear was the same and the school nightmare was the same. 

I did not have disturbed dreams last night.  I had no flashbacks. what the film left me with was a feeling of awe and wonder at the life that I have today.

I do not want to romanticise this at all. People like Kevin and myself did survive to become decent positive people.  Far far more did not survive. Many did not survive physically and many of those that did did not survive emotionally and mentally or spiritually.  I do not know why.

I do think this is the very first time I have watched such a film and been left with such a positive feeling.

I think also I perhaps have seen a glimpse of how remarkable my own recovery has been.  The film brought to mind how I used to be.  The me I am now is so completely different.  And I am awestruck.

DOG SHOWS ARE A FIX!!!!

I get very tired of hearing how dog showing is all fixed.  That the judges are all dishonest and that it is the owners that win and not the dogs.

It never seems to occur to the people telling me this how offensive they are being considering that I own the top winning Lhasa Apso for 2009! Perhaps I am naive and this is precisely why they are saying it to me!

I am absolutely nobody in the world of dogs.  I am not close friends with anybody who has any power in the world of dogs.  I am not rich, I am not super handsome, I do not have big boobs and a low-cut blouse.

What I do have are good dogs.  That is why every dog that I have shown has been placed in the top three of its class.  I did not start showing seriously until Windsor 2006 and my girl, Tantra’s Moonlight Serenade qualified at that show.  The judge would not have known me from Adam.

Yes, there are judges who are less than honest.  Yes, there are judges who are influenced by the owner of the dog that they are judging.  Yes, there are judges who will put up their friends.  Yes, and there are even judges who are stupid and who would not know a good Lhasa Apso but they are often honest.

The people who are constantly complaining about how fixed the judging is never ever consider that their dogs might not be good enough.  Some of the complainers do not even go to the shows!

If you do not attend the shows you have absolutely no chance of winning! If you go to the shows consistently and are consistently unplaced or placed lowly, then you need to accept the fact that you have dogs that do not meet the requirements of a good quality show dog.

In the long run it is much better for you on a personal level if you accept the lack of quality in your dogs and DO something about it.  You need to stop being so arrogant and start to learn from those who do a lot of winning and who understand the breed.

If all you do is become bitter and blame others for your lack of success then you will never be happy and you will never gain that which is so important to you; a winning dog!

Only a fool would believe that absolutely every judging engagement is undertaken honestly and knowledgeably.  Equally only a complete and utter fool would label all dog show judges as incompetent and dishonest and worse only an arrogant fool cannot see the lack of quality in their dogs.

Yes I can assure you it can hurt when a judge does not do their job with integrity.  I have been there and I have had it done to me.  However, at the vast majority of the shows that I have attended, and I have attended most since 2006, I have experienced fair and knowledgeable judging.

Whitney gained two Best In Show, one Group 3, two Group 4, and 10 CC’s and I think an equal amount of RCC’s.  She did this solely because she is a top quality Lhasa Apso.

THAT is what it requires for you to show successfully.

A MAN WITH ATTITUDE

I certainly seem to be having some good days recently. I spent yesterday putting every available hank into my online shop www.knitmanskitchen.com I feel really rather pleased with myself because it took quite some doing.

I went to a judging and critique writing seminar on Sunday and whilst I enjoyed it I did feel a little down whilst I was there and during the drive home. By the time I got home I realised that the reason I felt down is because there is little reason for me to be attending these seminars because I am never going to be able to fulfil the requirements that the kennel club in their wisdom have laid down in order for a breed specialist to judge their own breed. My physical limitations would not prevent me judging my breed at championship show level. However, my limitations certainly do make it extremely difficult for me to jump through all the hoops that are required to be passed, which involves many stewarding sessions and travelling all over the country to judge a handful of dogs at open show level.

I need to conserve my energy for showing my dogs. That in itself is a major challenge and I feel that if I push myself to do the judging program as well I may well hasten the coming of the day when I shall not even be able to show my dogs. I am not willing to take that risk. My influence on the breed will have to be through the quality of my dogs.

I am looking forward to a week’s break in Paris. The last time we went to Paris was in 2003 during the heatwave-the one that killed many hundreds of people all over Europe, but especially in France. We were staying in Orlean and we caught the train into Paris. We had a short boat trip on the Seine and then a brief walk on the Champs d’Elysee before taking refuge inside an air-conditioned cinema where we saw Bruce Almighty! We then called the train back to Orlean. The temperature was over 100°F. I was also ill on that trip and kept collapsing in pain and generally feeling terrible. It was to be another year before I was diagnosed, this time when I got stranded in Stockholm!

I love Olga the new car. I did not realise that driving an automatic transmission would be so easy and almost pain-free for me. I have got used to her very quickly. Because of the crane in the back which lifts my wheelchair in and out I am now able to go to Tesco when ever I feel like it.Prior to this we used to do the whole week’s shop on the Friday night or Saturday and if I ran out of anything well I would just have to wait until John got home. Now I have the freedom to go where I please and when I please.

One of the things that I really like about driving Olga is the visibility. I am sitting quite high up and I have my seat set to the highest position. This means that getting in and out of her is not so much of a struggle. It also means that I think I can see better when driving. Speaking of seeing better, my new vari-focals are really excellent. I have had absolutely no trouble at all since the very moment I put them on. My eyes seem to automatically move to see through the right part of the lens whether I am reading, looking at the computer screen or driving or looking into the distance. I had been put off buying these lenses by people who hated them. I cannot imagine why they hate them. My experience is very good. I realised just at the weekend that I am going to have to have another pair made because I now only have one pair of glasses that are suitable for me.

My next championship show is in Bath on the last Monday of this month. And I think the next show is the week after. The shows come thick and fast and now although I am not attending all of them.

One of the positive aspects of my attitude which along with other aspects really enhances the quality of my life is gratitude. I do feel very fortunate to have all that I have in my life. John and my close friends and my dogs. Then there are my gifts that I am able to share with others in various ways. I often see people who are is a far worse physical state than I am. My attitude really does make the difference between having a good life and having a miserable one. It does take work and it certainly did not come easily and it took many years of hard work to overcome the negative attitudes I had been taught. I gave a brief example earlier about how my attitude alters the way that I feel. Although I felt despondent when I realised that I was not going to be able to complete the judging program, upon giving it serious thought I realised that I can still contribute positively to my breed just by doing what I am doing: breeding quality healthy dogs and showing them. In this way I contribute to the breed and to the education of others interested in the breed. In fact this influence will be far far more reaching than being passed to give out a green card.

UNWANTED BAGGAGE

I have been dyeing some tweed effect sock yarn. I like this yarn very much.

Whilst I was doing it I was ruminating about what happened at Friday’s dog show with regard to these friends of ours for the last 30 years.

I think what I am so shocked by is how I grossly misjudged the woman’s character. I am still completely dismayed at her smug self-righteousness as she looked at me and said “well you didn’t send the pedigree”!  What sort of mean-spirited nasty piece of work ends a 30 year friendship because of an unposted pedigree?  Especially when said friend (me)  has been more than a friend is expected to be.  (The pedigree business was an outright lie anyway and was just an excuse but one that revealed her true nature.)

Over the years I gave them an awful lot of financial help.  I listened to her as she complained about how badly this person or that person had treated her and regaled me with stories of the awfulness of people, with her of course being the hard done by and put upon star of the story. I fell for it hook line and sinker. 

I met them when I was emotionally unbalanced and very vulnerable and because she acted the Earth mother with me, I was hooked.  Even though in latter years I began to notice that I was being taken advantage of I still made excuses for her.  I would never, ever ever, have believed that she was so far away from the person that I thought she was.

The good that has come out of this is yet again confirmation that I really ought to take notice of my gut feeling.  My doubts about them have been confirmed.  Had I said something as I wanted to back in 2005, I would forever have been haunted by guilt and self doubt.  It is good that the truth came out now without me having to do anything or say anything.  I guess people’s true nature eventually reveals itself.

I am not plagued with self-doubt or feelings of guilt.  I was a good friend to these people and it is they who did not deserve me.  I used to think I owed them because she had been motherly towards me and on more than one occasion she more or less said as much. It never once occurred to me how good a friend to them I truly was.

I could have said so much on Friday.  And other people would have heard what I had to say.  I do not regret keeping quiet because I did the right thing.  No matter how nasty she was I rose above it and refused to play dirty.

I will keep my own counsel until my dying day with regard to them and so will John. Neither of us will ever tell what we know. The only possible reason for either of us to open our mouths would be vindictiveness and neither of us are vindictive. Truth will out as they say, so it is really unnecessary for us to do or say anything.

In the end they have to live their lives and with the consequences of their attitudes and actions just as we all do.

If I were in a bad mood I might easily say that I feel like I have been treated badly and have wasted 30 years of friendship on people who did not deserve it.  I agree they did not deserve my generosity, my love, and my kindness but I do not agree that I’ve wasted 30 years of friendship with them because I have learned a great deal from this experience.

I really am astonished at the growth I have experienced internally.  Only a few years back this would have devastated me.  It would have filled me with terror and I would have been desperately hurt and I would have been trying to find a way of fixing it because of course I would have taken the complete blame.  I am not that person anymore and I know that I am not to blame and I know that I do not need them.

The big relief to me is that I no longer have to fret about them because I was always worried and never felt totally at ease because I always felt that their so-called love of me was conditional.  In fact I am fairly certain that this situation has arisen because I had the temerity to say no to them.  No was something I was always afraid to say because I thought that this would happen if I did.  I have been proved right in that they certainly do not like being told no but I have been proved wrong in its effect on me.  Underneath the shock and the anger and the disbelief that I could have got her character so wrong I am just relieved that I no longer have to give this any thought.

I really do not need to be told not to dwell upon this.  This only happened on Friday and I cannot pretend it didn’t nor can I pretend that I have processed it all by today! It will take time all of this to melt away but it is most certainly a lesson that I will never forget.

WINSTON'S NEW FAMILY

This is Winston and his new family with which he has just gone to live. I am sure they will all be very happy. Winston will be 6 months old on the 15th of this month (May).

FREE WILL AND OTHER NONSENSE

We are all brought up to believe that we have free will.  It is a lie.  Just as none of us are totally free to just be because of societal constraints and laws, our will is not free but constrained by our knowledge or lack of it and the effect that our bodies including our brains, have upon the exercise of free will.

The religious of the Christian variety (this is the religion I have most experience with) are forever banging on about free will seemingly oblivious to the fact there is no such thing.

What?!  I hear you exclaim. This man must be off his trolley. Perhaps I am.  After all how many people do you know who are off their trolleys who recognise the fact? Precisely.

Putting aside my trolley and whether or not I am on it for the time being let us proceed upon the subject of free will.

Free will is all about making choices. The most obvious reason therefore that our will is not free is that we do not know all of the choices that are possible.

We are very much constrained by the way that we think, what we believe, and the choices that society makes available.  How can you possibly choose something you do not know exists?  How can you make a pronouncement when you do not know all of the facts? People do this all the time of course.  They make decisions about other people, usually whether they are good or bad, but when they do, they do not have enough knowledge to make such a claim.  Not only do they not have enough knowledge,they never will. This is the reason why we ought not to condemn others.  We do not know the full story and there is no way that we can.

We must judge other people and these idiots who go around with a smug smile on their face saying ‘do not judge’ are lying twats! Only a fool does not judge.  If we did not judge we would allow anybody in our front door.  We would allow anybody to interact with our children.  We would allow anybody to have financial access.  In short, we would be completely irresponsible and really would not last very long.  The irony is that these twats who tell you not to judge have made a judgement concerning you otherwise they would not have said it to you! There is nothing worse than the spiritually smug.  New Age adherents are just as guilty of this as any other type of Fundamentalist.

Back to free will.  How long can you prevent yourself from emptying your bladder or your bowel?  Can you prevent it all together?  The sane answer to this is no. Well there are some things that people do that are judged as wicked or seriously bad which they have no control over at all. Addiction is the most obvious condition where free will is of no use at all.  This is not to say that this condition cannot be helped or rectified by a different way of thinking and believing on the part of the person who is addicted.  This however is a monumental task and is attained only by the few I would guess.  Many people do indeed manage to stay sober but this is not necessarily a sign of a reversal of their addiction.  Many of them have merely become addicted to something else, the most common one being food, but also they can become addicted to meetings which they attend daily and often more than once daily. Or they become addicted to religion and become Jesus freaks or they develop OCD behaviour such as compulsive cleaning or compulsive checking or compulsive masturbation. You see, the lack of free will is clear and until the addicted person has truly scooped out the whole barrel including the dark slime at the very bottom of it they will always be driven by that dark lump inside of them.

I write this as somebody who has had many addictions in life starting from childhood.  It was my way of dealing with what was happening to me.  Although I had the ability to disassociate I really did not have the ability to stop feeling altogether. These feelings became buried but they were not silent.  The terrible feeling that used to come over me which compelled me to act in whatever way I was acting out at that particular time was the feelings attempting to show themselves to me for me to deal with. However, not only was I ignorant of this but so were those whose job it was to help disturbed people. Their way of dealing with it was to medicate the feelings away. To them the expression of feeling was a sign of mental illness, especially when those feelings were powerful and overwhelming.  Of course they were powerful and overwhelming!  That was the whole problem.  So my recovery was delayed by very many years because the psychiatric profession does not recognise the effect that feelings have upon the psyche and upon behaviour.  To them drugs are the answer.  Really it is no different to the self-medication that addicts are indulging in. (The main reason for the lack of sensible help was the homophobia of the professionals but discussion of that is not for this post.)

I tell you I have absolutely no choice in what I was doing.  I absolutely hated what I was doing.  I also absolutely hated myself and could not bear to even look in a mirror.

Eventually I discovered a new way of thinking about myself and about the world that I lived in and most importantly about the experiences of my childhood.  It was an astounding revelation to me that there were other ways of thinking and other belief systems apart from those that I was mired in!

I was totally gobsmacked!  I was totally unaware of the possibility that the way I had been taught to think was just one of millions of ways of thinking.To discover that my parents and the church were not privy to absolute truth was truly my Damascus moment.  It was the beginning of freedom.

Over a period of years I was able to learn of other choices and to take them on board.  Obviously I have only taken on board those choices that show themselves to be correct by the reflection they have in my life.  In other words my behaviour slowly began to change and as a result of that my feelings too changed and became more positive. However, I still do not know all of the choices available so whilst I have some control now, my will is still not free.  My will can only act within the boundaries of my knowledge.

When people are confronted with the results of the choices made by others they do not seem to understand that those choices which seem completely alien to us are perfectly logical within the boundaries of those people’s knowledge.

Frequently in crime programmes on the telly they show warfare between gangs of young people.  If one thinks about it and listens to the dialogue in these dramas it is very apparent that the world that these gang bangers inhabit is completely alien to us.The way that they think and what they believe is also alien to us.  Yet we think we have the knowledge and the right to condemn them as evil whereas often what they do is perfectly logical within the boundaries of their knowledge.

Often when one experiences profound change in one’s world view and in one’s view of oneself and other people it has what can be described as negative effects upon other people.  By this I mean that I have different people in my life now and only three people who have been in my life long-term.  The rest have fallen by the wayside and some have become angry and hurtful before departing from my life.  I understand that to have somebody change from a compliant and servile individual who would not say boo to a goose and who always agreed with you and did not notice disrespect and or abuse, to a person who likes and accept themselves and who does not tolerate disrespect or abuse and who even has their own opinions, is difficult for those who can only deal with others if they feel superior to them and feel they can control and manipulate them.

I am not a scientist and so I am not even going to attempt to explain anything remotely scientific.I will however point out that recent scientific studies involving the brain and behaviour are causing scientists to wonder just how free our will is.

Going back to the very beginning and religion specifically the Christian one, this business of free will is one of the reasons I completely reject religion.  There is no way that a single lifetime is long enough to be able to make any sort of definitive decision.  Not only that those people brought up in societies dominated by a different religion have their free will hampered by that and therefore even if they are told of the Christian religion they would not be free to adopt it as their own.  Yes there are exceptions of course.  If any of you reading this consider yourselves firm Christians I am certain that you would consider yourself firm Muslims had you been brought up in a Muslim society.

If one’s attempt to think for oneself is met by condemnation and the instilling fear in one, which is what much of religious training does to children and is precisely why people are so keen to have faith schools and the freedom to indoctrinate their children, then one’s ability to express free will is seriously hampered.

This is why I consider this the worst form of child abuse possible.  I spent much of my childhood in fear and I experienced much physical and sexual abuse.  However, it was the emotional and mental and spiritual abuse that caused me the most harm. The physical and sexual abuse pales into insignificance in the face of the emotional mental and spiritual abuse heaped upon me by my church and my parents.  It all but destroyed my ability to think for myself and therefore to have a will that was in any way free.

Today my will is more free than it ever was but one could not describe it as free because I am not all knowing.  I never will be.

Every day I have choices to make and I make the best choices I can given  what I know and understand.  Being a human being I still sometimes make choices that fly in the face of what I know and understand.  For example, I occasionally make the choice to eat something like a flapjack or bread rolls knowing that this will cause gut problems and mean that I will spend much time on the loo and experience much discomfort. I know that “one won’t harm me” is a lie yet I still convince myself that one won’t harm me!

So you see free will really is a load of bollocks. At least in the way we have been taught.  The concept of free will is not simple and certainly not as clear-cut as people who want to have power over us would have us believe.  Yes, much of what we are taught, we are taught in order to make it easier for others to control us.

Just listen to the way the religionists speak.  I was listening to a bishop of the Church of England who was stating that without knowledge of the Bible and without priests to tell us we could not possibly be good people! He was saying that our morals only come from the Bible and without it we are all immoral.  This man clearly wants to control other people.  What he says is of course a load of tripe.  It is a lie and a wicked lie because it has an extremely detrimental effect upon humankind.  (It never ceases to completely shock me that people like him in all his religious finery and all the pomp and circumstance that the Church of England and the Church of Rome indulge in, are so completely in opposition to the message of Jesus! If there is any truth to that particular myth and Jesus returned today I am fairly certain that the first thing he would do is slap down the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury and give them both a good spanking for being such hypocrites. They are the Pharisees that Jesus so detested!)

Anyway that is my thoughts for now.  I could go on, and on,and on, and on, but I shall resist the temptation! xo

MEANT TO BE?

It has been an interesting week. I lost the plot a little bit over the finding of a home for Waldo. I allowed my fear that he would not find a suitable home to override my sensibilities. I know that my puppies will always find the right home. They always have so I see no reason why they will not continue to do so.

I find it very difficult to believe that things are “meant to be”. The reason for this is that if we do believe that things are meant to be then we must also apply that to the horrendous things that happen to people. Thus I cannot accept this “meant to be” proposition.

However, all attempts to part with Waldo came to nothing. Unbeknownst to me there was a mother and father with a severely disabled daughter who had just decided it was time for them to replace their Lhasa Apso that had died some time ago. They called me and they knew and I knew that Waldo was just the right dog for them. When they arrived Waldo would not leave them alone particularly the man whom he sat in front of for the whole visit. He very happily went home with them.

I had not intended to part with Winston but I made up my mind to do so when I bathed him last Wednesday as he physically was not going to be satisfactory for future breeding and showing. On Saturday I had a telephone call from a man who had clearly done a lot of research into getting a dog and deciding upon a Lhasa Apso. He asked me all the right questions and he was not after a puppy straightaway because he wanted to make sure that he got one from the right person and got the right dog.

They came to visit me and spent almost 3 hours with me and it became clear during that time that Winston was absolutely ideal for this family which was a mother and father and an autistic son. Winston was very drawn to the son. As a matter of fact so was Whitney who jumped up and sat by him and did not move she seemed very aware that this was a child and a special child.

Winston will be going to live with this family on Tuesday evening.

It does seem very strange to me that both of my puppies have gone to live with people that have special needs and who also were much better off having older puppies than eight week old ones. Winston and Waldo fitted the bill exactly.

Yes, I can clearly see that many coincidences over the last few months have led to this situation. And yes of course it does make one wonder just how coincidental it all was or was it part of some spiritual engineering?

The story of Winston and Waldo is certainly not unique to me. I can tell many stories where coincidences have led to very happy conclusions. In fact one of my so-called coincidences completely altered my life and that particular incident even today seems like it was engineered to happen exactly the way it did which triggered something in me which needed to be expressed and understood. As a result of this I was able to shed the shit I had been carrying with me but had been unaware that I was.

We all hear stories of people who were booked on an aeroplane that crashed and for some reason or other they did not get on the aeroplane. Happy coincidence. Yet there are also people who were on that very plane also by coincidence.

I think there are still so many questions in life. As mad as I appear to be I think many of these questions will not be answered until we have left our bodies. Until we have died, if you prefer.

Regular readers of my blog will know that I am not at all religious. I do however strongly believe that our consciousness survives death. I see this as a matter of fact. I see it as part of our make up. As much a part of us as our hands and feet our brains are digestive system. What I am trying to convey is that I think that it is a natural occurrence and not a miracle. The fact that our consciousnesses survived death does not mean that there is a God who orchestrates everything. Do not misunderstand me I am not saying that there is no God all I am saying is that I have no evidence of one. I do however have much evidence of the survival of consciousness after physical death. Rather than seeing this as some sort of airy fairy spiritual thing I guess I view it in a more scientific way and just see it as something that is completely natural and part of humankind and I think one day science will come to view it this way also instead of the ridicule it heaps upon the idea today.

Going back to Winston and Waldo; it does indeed seem to me that the fact that they were available at just the right time and are just the right age to go off and be the pet’s of people with special needs, was somehow orchestrated. Especially when one considers how close Waldo came several times to being sold. And the fact that within three days of me deciding that I would not be keeping Winston the other special needs home arrived.

Okay I think I am probably waffling now and I think you get the point of what I’m trying to say. I am not saying anything sure. My mind is open enough that I might well believe that this was “meant to be”.I just don’t know. My gut instinct goes with the “meant to be” explanation. I just do not understand it and the implications of it could be very disturbing.

I know that I am the person I am today because of my past. Today I am happy and content and glad to be alive and glad to be who I am. I got here because of my past. How I interpreted my experiences and how I came to reinterpret those experiences so that I could break free of the chains of the past that held me firmly to it. So whilst I am extremely grateful for who I am today and what I have and can see that there appears to have been a guide all the way through the process I balk at the idea that I was meant to be abused. That does not make sense because if we believe that then we must believe that the users of children or adults are also just following some divine plan.This cannot be so.

I do not reject the idea out of hand that opportunities are somehow given to us, that we are guided by an intelligence that we are unaware of. However it is not something I can understand because I cannot see how if things are “meant to be” then it includes the horrendous stuff too. Therefore I must just leave this open because I cannot think of another way to satisfactorily explain what I experience and what others experience. Perhaps one day the understanding will come whilst I am still in the body!

SHAME ON THEM

I do not think I have ever been so shocked by the downright awfulness of people. From me, that is saying something.

Today I saw a man and woman for the first time in since Thursday 5th November 2009. I recall the exact date. I didn’t see them on that day, I spoke with the man on the phone. He wanted to bring his bitch to be bred to my Luque. I quoted him a discounted fee due to our 30 friendship. Yes, that’s right 30 years. Then he asked me if I could waive the fee until they could afford to pay it. I agreed but not happily. He then asked if he could take Luque back to his home, 210miles away. I said no, but of course I was expecting to look after his bitch for a week until she was well and truly mated and ready to go back. He clearly was not happy with that answer. He said he would speak to me later.

I have not heard from either of them since. Until today. I saw them at today’s show. I asked the woman ‘what happened'? and I got a shock I am still not over. I am so astonished. I can’t believe what a f*cking fool I was! She replied ’well you didn’t post the pedigree we asked for.’ This was so out of left field to use an Americanism. WHAT? This was a complete and utter lie for a start and is she seriously telling me she destroyed a 30 year friendship because I didn’t post a f*cking pedigree? THIRTY YEARS?????

I started to shake. Not because I was hurt or upset. I was LIVID and still am. Absolutely so. How could I have been so f*cking stupid?

A few years back John let it be known to me he was not happy with continuing a friendship with them because he said they were talking advantage of me. We had lent them them £1500 a few years previously and still had not had the repayment and in fact it cost US because WE paid the interest on the credit card we gave them the money from. Over the years they had had a lot from me. When I used their stud they had the gall to charge me! And not a reduced fee! They still owed us money!Not only that, they had started to show and buy stock while they owed us money. This after saying the would never get involved in showing again. In the 80's I bought two dogs from them. One I returned and the other I never ever had. It was sold again to Sweden. I never saw any of my money back. Not a pound. I gave them several Persian cats for free. When I wanted a kitten, I was told no. I even paid their f*cking petrol to come and see a litter at my house! We sent cash Xmas presents. And they can't even let me have a damn dog mated for nothing which costs them nothing and would have been a nice gesture.

How could I have fallen for it all. How I could I have accepted all this. Believe me, I was offended, deeply so but was far too concerned about hurting them by saying anything. Now I don't give a toss. They have shown EXACTLY the type of people they are.

 

I am fairly certain the reason he did not come on Friday November 6th and they did not call me again is because they could not believe I said NO to them. How dare he even ask to take my stud to their home 210miles away? I said no because 1. I knew they didn’t trust that I knew how to provide a stud service-the lack of respect and 2. I KNEW I’d be the one who would have had to do the round trip to get him home and it would have been at my expense. They certainly did not any point ask for a pedigree to be posted. I saw her face when she saw me across the hall. I saw her speak to him. She just made that up as something to say and immediately put the blame on me but it made her look so f*cking shallow and petty. Who ends a 30 yr friendship over a lack of post???

Me being me, I felt John was being harsh. After all we have been friends since 1982. All thru my many trials she had been there to listen. I felt I couldn’t just end our friendship and besides I refused to see they were using me. I had suspected for sometime they did not respect me but I preferred denial than confrontation.

These two people will NEVER know what else we have done for them. She will never know what we have protected her from and he will never know what a creep I always found him but my love for his wife forced me to choose to always include him and treat him like the surrogate father she expected.

I am glad I kept my cool today. She and he would have seriously regretted it if I had not and let rip. I would NOT do that. Even now I would not do that.

I am just so shocked to find out that I was completely wrong about this woman. Not him. I know what he is. But her. Yes, I knew she wasn’t the perfect mother as I used to think because she raised 5 children and never hit them. Yes, I did take her off the pedestal I had her on as I got well and began to see all people as fallible. Of course her expressing shock and anger and disbelief at the treatment of me by my own parents was one reason I felt toward her the way I did.

They became the parents I never had.

It was all a f*cking con! I was being used! My generous and giving nature was being taken advantage of and I although I did begin to suspect this was the case, my loyalty to them would not allow me to say anything. I preferred to go to my grave NEVER saying anything because they had ‘been so good to me’. Bollocks. SHE did what she chose to do for her own ends.

I know this is no reflection on me. None at all. These are disgusting, disloyal, untruthful, despicable people who took advantage of my vulnerability many years ago and kept it going all this time because I kept giving!

I am still completely astounded but I am glad it has finally come to this because I feel guilt free. I no longer have any doubt about my suspicions. I no longer disagree with John. I am free of them. I am free of this guilty feeling I have unnecessarily carried since that weekend in November 09, thinking I should call them. In fact I did call them! I called them on the Monday the day after the show. I know because Whitney won the CC the day before. I got the answer-phone! Yet, I have still wondered if I was wrong to wait for them to do the right thing.

Yet here I am, stunned at just how wrong about people I can be. No wonder I find trust such a difficult thing. No wonder at all.

I have run out of things to say. I am just so shocked. I would never ever ever, no matter what, have believed the woman could be this callous and vile. Never. I have no choice but believe it now. None at all.

Thankfully my inner change is strong, set, and real. At NO time have I doubted myself. At no time have I thought I deserved this. At no time have I thought this was my fault. It wasn’t. In the last 30 years I have treated both these people really well despite his appalling treatment of me and John and I protected her from it. I was always loving and generous. So I made a mistake. They didn’t make a mistake. The were cold and calculated and deliberate in using me and taking advantage of my good nature.

Shame on them. Shame on them.

If one thing I have learned is that friendships are not meant to make me feel bad. If they do, end them there and then! Control freaks are not for me.

Posted by Knitman

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE

I arose at 5:30 AM today so that I am tired enough to be asleep by 11 PM tonight as I have to be up at 2 AM for tomorrow’s dog show.

Once my drugs have kicked in I will be bathing Mary-Grace.  I am also going to groom and or bath Ada. I am very pleased that the drugs enable me to do this.  Much to my surprise, however, although the drugs give me the mobility I need, they do not prevent the after affects of whatever activity I choose to do.  Meaning once they wear off I feel the effects of the activity.  No pill deals with fatigue!

My day had not started very well at all because I had an e-mail from one of my groups that praised Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and Bill O’Reilly. And this on an empty stomach too.  I was severely traumatised! However, my pills have now kicked in and I find I can cope with the fact that there are such people in the universe.

I have to say that I have been feeling mentally and spiritually good recently.  Much of this has to do with the fact that I am getting sleep now. As I have mentioned before it is very easy to get used to something and completely lose awareness of it.  For years I have had very disturbed sleep and very little in the way of deep sleep. This greatly affected my mood, my diet, and my general disposition.  Since I have been taking the gabapentin in I have slept well most nights and have discovered that I am not naturally a grumpy old git!  Everyone I know from acquaintances to friends have all noticed the difference in me.  The fact that I feel so different is quite amazing to me because as I said I had got so used to my sleeping pattern that I was unaware of its negative effects.  The lack of sleep was caused by pain.  Having to wake up in order to change position or waking up because of spasm.  I barely slept for more than an hour and a half at a time.  Thankfully for now the gabapentin works at 1200 mg a day and I can go to was much as 3000 mg a day although I do not have any need for that right now.  I still take the morphine, tramadol and paracetamol.

I still have yet to find the right home for Waldo.  I know the right home will come as it always does I am just surprised it has taken so long as he is almost 6 months old.  It is not that I have had a lack of phone calls from interested parties I just have not found any of them suitable.  One couple who got here included a wife who was frightened of dogs!

I have also decided to part with Winston.  Unfortunately he has not fulfilled his early promise as regards his skeletal structure.  His forelegs are bent and whilst this of course does not harm him in any way is not what I want in my dogs.  It is a fault that is very difficult to get rid of proven by this litter where of three puppies all three of them have a bent front.  The mother also had this and I know that dogs behind her did.  The father of these puppies was unable to correct this fault.  Mated to other bitches I have only had straight legs.  Dogs with dodgy fronts do win at the shows but it is still not acceptable to me. These are the first bent legs I have had for years and hopefully they will be the last.  I am very disappointed with regard to Winston.  He has the most beautiful head and rear end and he is the most sweet natured dog. He will make somebody a lovely pet.

On the knitting front I am knitting a pair of socks for John in a new yarn that I now dye.  It is a four ply/fingering weight sock yarn that is a combination of two strands of Merino and one strand of super wash Merino. This results in a tweed affect when it is dyed.  I like it very much and it is knitting up well.

I have not been knitting my Aran sweater for quite some time as I have been knitting socks and working on the knitting machines.  I just don’t seem to have enough hours in the day.  I have learned not to knit my Aran sweater at dog shows because I really have to think as I knit and it is far too easy to make mistakes when people come and talk to me.  If this were not so I would probably have finished the sweater by now!

After tomorrow show, I do not have a show until the last Monday of May. I have quite a number of shows during June, July in fact all the way through until Christmas.

Olga is proving a very easy ride for me.  Her automatic transmission is such a bonus.I cannot believe that no-one ever pointed out to me that an automatic transmission would be far less painful for me to drive.  Just because I am disabled does not mean that I know or understand my needs.  Being disabled is new to me so I am as ignorant of my needs as the able-bodied are of the needs of disabled people.  I think it would be a good idea to have somebody who understands our needs who I could have gone to speak to.  Had I had this available to me I would never have bought the previous car,  the Ford Mondeo.It was completely unsuitable for me.  It was a beautiful car to look at.  I did however find it too long and I found it very difficult to park it because I could not see past the front and reversing in her was equally difficult.  This Ford Galaxy has a much blunter shorter front but she has very much more room.  I had a wheelchair hoist fitted in the back that will lift up to 100 kg.  This has given me back my freedom.  I am now able to go out where I want and when I want as I no longer have to have anybody with me.  When I run out of an item in the house I can just go to Tesco and get it.

Although I am of course preparing for tomorrow, I do not think about how tomorrow will be.I only think about today and the period between now and me going to bed.  I only have to deal with now.  To the best of my ability I do not let yesterday or tomorrow ruin my today. Living one day at a time is so ingrained in me now but I well remember what it was like when I did not and I did not understand the concept.  Having this attitude has certainly improved my life greatly.  Imagine if I allowed myself to think of my future and the progression of my disease.  Even as I write that, my stomach lurches.  I do not know what will happen.  I could stay as I am until I am 80 odd, or in six months time I may not be able to walk at all.  All sorts of things could happen.  However, I do not entertain these possibilities because they are apt to ruin my day.  Even in times of great distress, knowing that I only had to deal with now lessened the ordeal.  There is not a day that goes by that I am not grateful for what I have.  Counting one’s blessings may sound trite but it is so necessary for us to have quality of life.  If we only concentrate on what we do not have how can we have any piece?  Of course I am a very fortunate person.  I used to think that I was not because I was so weighed down by my past and the lack of a loving family.  Now I see things very differently.  This was no magic conversion.I could only let go of the past once I had exposed it and experienced the feelings that I had repressed.  I also learned that I could choose what to think and what believe and that I could ditch the belief system that my childhood instilled in me. That belief system was killing me. to a very great extent we really are we think.  Everything in my life changed because of the change in my thought patterns and belief system.  My worldview changed dramatically.  This is not at all an easy ride.  Nervous breakdowns or as I prefer to call them breakthroughs, are the result of our belief system/worldview collapsing.  It takes time to rebuild.  Unfortunately there is much ignorance even within the profession of psychiatry and many people rebuild the same system and thus never truly recover.  My experience was that every time my repressed feelings came to the surface it was reason to hospitalise me and medicate me heavily until the late was screwed on tight again.  I was never helped and in fact was seriously harmed.  I was very lucky in that I found the right help and I was allowed feel what I needed to feel and I was not classed as crazy.  I was deeply disturbed emotionally and it would be very strange indeed if I were not considering the experiences I have lived through.  The person who helped me understood that there was nothing wrong with me but that I was stuck in a self-defeating belief system and also full of unexpressed grief and anger and fear.  He guided me to the understanding that I could think differently and he gave me the space to feel.  It was a long and painful process that took five years.  I did not need him after that but did have two more periods of several months where more repressed emotions were released.

I am indeed a fortunate man.

 

FLYING SOUTH

These are my own design. I used the Andersson Toe Up Sock Construction Method along with the Andersson Heel Mach II (revised). The yarn is from Knitman’s Kitchen and is 75% sw Merino 25% nylon, 425m / 100g. I use Addi Lace 2mm circular needles, each knitted simultaneously on their own needle. The gauge was approx 11st+14rws/2.54cm/1”.

DRESSED TO DEFLECT

I really had the hump when I got up this morning. I had a bad night.  It was like the nights I had every night prior to the gabapentin.

I had intended to go swimming this morning but I am unable to.  My gut is playing up far too much to make swimming anything other than a very risky proposition.

On a dog forum that I was on I made a joke at MY expense.  Unfortunately, the humour was not seen and it supposedly offended some  people.  Since I still do not see anything at all offensive about my comment I left the forum lest I make another such comment because I have no way of judging since I still cannot see what on earth was wrong with what I wrote.  Dog people it would seem are ultrasensitive and if they are not offended will find reason to be.  Dog showing for me is an enormous struggle just because of my own difficulties and I really don’t need to be caretaking on top of that. I accept that I could be completely in the wrong, the point being though I cannot see what was wrong with the comment so rather than risk offending again, I find it safer to leave.

I am heartily sick and tired of hearing how fixed, crooked, and political dog showing is. People say this to me knowing that I have a top winning bitch and the suggestion that the only reason she was a top winner is because of crooked political or fixed judging seems to escape them!

Quite simply, a good dog will always make it.  I am a nobody.  I have absolutely no clout whatsoever in the world of dogs.  I started showing seriously in June 2006 and from my very first show my dog was nearly always placed in the top three. This is because I have shown good dogs and not any other reason.  Those people who are always bitching about how facey and crooked and political the whole thing is, need to look at the quality of their dogs because that is where the problem lies.

Yes, of course there are judges who lack integrity or knowledge.  I am not denying that. I have been on the receiving end of crooked judging and it is not nice.  Not nice at all. However, there is more than enough decent honest judging that one can discount those judges who lack integrity.  It is up to the exhibitor to decide for themselves which judges these are.

I know of a few backyard breeders who justify what they do, breeding dogs ignorantly and adding to the problems that individual breeds face, by stating that the dog world was mean to them and they will not have anything to do with it but they are all knowledgeable and will breed their dogs anyway.  I have no time for such people.  One of them just told me that they had a whole litter of perfect Lhasa Apso specimens.  This comment in itself shows how ignorant they are as not even the top breeders would say such a thing because it is not true and extremely unlikely to be! What fuels these people is bitterness and jealousy and instead of taking the correct attitude of wanting to learn and listen to those of us with experience and knowledge they carp and bitch and whine about how awful we are. Ego. Ego. Ego. 

Prior to Whitney being such a winner people people were much more friendly than they are now because now they see me as part of a conspiracy to keep them down.  It never occurs to them that the real problem is 1.their attitude and 2.  What they have on the end of their lead.

I very much enjoy dressing the way that I do for dog shows. Yes, it does indeed take nerve to do it.  However, it has had the desired effect and my disabilities are no longer the most obvious thing about me.  Job done. (I still have  to steel myself every show.)

Although I always respond gracefully, I have come to realise that I do find it invasive of people, of acquaintances, to ask of me “what is wrong with you?”.  For a start there is nothing wrong with me at all.  I have serious health issues but that does not mean there is anything “wrong” about me.  You may well think I am being pedantic but having grown up constantly being told that I was wrong and not good enough I really do not like this way of phrasing the question.  Not only that, but I deal with my health issues by not thinking about them and I really do not like it when I am asked this question for no reason other than idle curiosity.  I know that people are not being mean. They are just unthinking. I could drop dead at any time, you would be surprised how many people live with such conditions, and really the best thing for me to do is to not think that way.  Besides, this really could apply to anybody because who of us knows the time and date of our death? It is also not easy because I do not have a one disease answer! I have several different conditions, one of which is still under investigation and could well be for a long time yet.  See, I told you it is not easy for me to answer.  Besides, you give an answer and then they want an explanation because they don’t understand your answer! I tried to make light of it by saying I have FSS, Fucked Spine Syndrome. That is only one of my problems! I just don’t feel comfortable talking about myself in this way and I don’t really see why I am expending energy on justifying myself over this.

I have a very close friend who has similar conditions to me and only with her do I talk about the realities.

I am not in denial about my conditions.  When I say I do not think about them I do not mean that I deny their existence I just do not let it be the main focus of my thinking.  The last thing I need to add to the mix is self-pity and misery.  Despite my best efforts I still have days like today where I feel hurt and miserable and frustrated.imagine then how much more so I would be if I did not take the necessary emotional and spiritual steps to ensure the best possible mental attitude.

I am reading to books at the moment both of which are non—fiction.  Both deal with the survival of consciousness after physical death and the very real evidence that exists which gives credence to this proposition.  Evidence that is accepted as genuine by doctors and professors of science.  Not quacks and ignoramuses that some scientists would have us believe.  I have always known this fact but it is good to read these books because they are able to lay open the deceit and closed mindedness of the most vociferous scientists. I was most disappointed recently to have somebody, who I had hitherto respected the views of, say to me that the evidence for survival of consciousness had been roundly dismissed by the scientists he respected and he therefore had no need to look into it himself.  I was astounded to say the least because I really did not expect such a response from this person.

Scientists like everybody else are human beings too and they know full well that if they accept the evidence that consciousness does indeed survive physical death it would mean them having to rethink the whole basis of their lives and thinking and no one wants to do this as it is extremely disorientating and painful.  However, at the same time these people are suppose to worship truth and by dismissing real evidence that they are indeed playing the precise game that religious fundamentalists do.

Say that all of the evidence for the survival of consciousness after physical death is produced by credulous people or by fraud is in itself credulous!  Some of the explanations given by some scientists for the supposedly evidence is even more outrageous than the idea that consciousness survives physical death!  To bring into question this morass of tea and credentials of scientists who do accept this evidence is nothing short of intimidation and bullying that we see from the religious fundamentalists.

I have some yarn to post.  I am also almost finished with a pair of socks and will probably blog them later today.  These socks seem to have been on the needles for ages and I was very surprised to realise last night that I had very nearly finished them.  I also have on the needles the beginnings of a pair of socks for John.