MEANT TO BE?

It has been an interesting week. I lost the plot a little bit over the finding of a home for Waldo. I allowed my fear that he would not find a suitable home to override my sensibilities. I know that my puppies will always find the right home. They always have so I see no reason why they will not continue to do so.

I find it very difficult to believe that things are “meant to be”. The reason for this is that if we do believe that things are meant to be then we must also apply that to the horrendous things that happen to people. Thus I cannot accept this “meant to be” proposition.

However, all attempts to part with Waldo came to nothing. Unbeknownst to me there was a mother and father with a severely disabled daughter who had just decided it was time for them to replace their Lhasa Apso that had died some time ago. They called me and they knew and I knew that Waldo was just the right dog for them. When they arrived Waldo would not leave them alone particularly the man whom he sat in front of for the whole visit. He very happily went home with them.

I had not intended to part with Winston but I made up my mind to do so when I bathed him last Wednesday as he physically was not going to be satisfactory for future breeding and showing. On Saturday I had a telephone call from a man who had clearly done a lot of research into getting a dog and deciding upon a Lhasa Apso. He asked me all the right questions and he was not after a puppy straightaway because he wanted to make sure that he got one from the right person and got the right dog.

They came to visit me and spent almost 3 hours with me and it became clear during that time that Winston was absolutely ideal for this family which was a mother and father and an autistic son. Winston was very drawn to the son. As a matter of fact so was Whitney who jumped up and sat by him and did not move she seemed very aware that this was a child and a special child.

Winston will be going to live with this family on Tuesday evening.

It does seem very strange to me that both of my puppies have gone to live with people that have special needs and who also were much better off having older puppies than eight week old ones. Winston and Waldo fitted the bill exactly.

Yes, I can clearly see that many coincidences over the last few months have led to this situation. And yes of course it does make one wonder just how coincidental it all was or was it part of some spiritual engineering?

The story of Winston and Waldo is certainly not unique to me. I can tell many stories where coincidences have led to very happy conclusions. In fact one of my so-called coincidences completely altered my life and that particular incident even today seems like it was engineered to happen exactly the way it did which triggered something in me which needed to be expressed and understood. As a result of this I was able to shed the shit I had been carrying with me but had been unaware that I was.

We all hear stories of people who were booked on an aeroplane that crashed and for some reason or other they did not get on the aeroplane. Happy coincidence. Yet there are also people who were on that very plane also by coincidence.

I think there are still so many questions in life. As mad as I appear to be I think many of these questions will not be answered until we have left our bodies. Until we have died, if you prefer.

Regular readers of my blog will know that I am not at all religious. I do however strongly believe that our consciousness survives death. I see this as a matter of fact. I see it as part of our make up. As much a part of us as our hands and feet our brains are digestive system. What I am trying to convey is that I think that it is a natural occurrence and not a miracle. The fact that our consciousnesses survived death does not mean that there is a God who orchestrates everything. Do not misunderstand me I am not saying that there is no God all I am saying is that I have no evidence of one. I do however have much evidence of the survival of consciousness after physical death. Rather than seeing this as some sort of airy fairy spiritual thing I guess I view it in a more scientific way and just see it as something that is completely natural and part of humankind and I think one day science will come to view it this way also instead of the ridicule it heaps upon the idea today.

Going back to Winston and Waldo; it does indeed seem to me that the fact that they were available at just the right time and are just the right age to go off and be the pet’s of people with special needs, was somehow orchestrated. Especially when one considers how close Waldo came several times to being sold. And the fact that within three days of me deciding that I would not be keeping Winston the other special needs home arrived.

Okay I think I am probably waffling now and I think you get the point of what I’m trying to say. I am not saying anything sure. My mind is open enough that I might well believe that this was “meant to be”.I just don’t know. My gut instinct goes with the “meant to be” explanation. I just do not understand it and the implications of it could be very disturbing.

I know that I am the person I am today because of my past. Today I am happy and content and glad to be alive and glad to be who I am. I got here because of my past. How I interpreted my experiences and how I came to reinterpret those experiences so that I could break free of the chains of the past that held me firmly to it. So whilst I am extremely grateful for who I am today and what I have and can see that there appears to have been a guide all the way through the process I balk at the idea that I was meant to be abused. That does not make sense because if we believe that then we must believe that the users of children or adults are also just following some divine plan.This cannot be so.

I do not reject the idea out of hand that opportunities are somehow given to us, that we are guided by an intelligence that we are unaware of. However it is not something I can understand because I cannot see how if things are “meant to be” then it includes the horrendous stuff too. Therefore I must just leave this open because I cannot think of another way to satisfactorily explain what I experience and what others experience. Perhaps one day the understanding will come whilst I am still in the body!

SORTED

I have arranged for a tax accountant to deal with the problems. She will also take care of the yearly tax stuff from now on. She will now liaise with the IRS and deal with it all. I felt as soon as I started to speak with her that she was the right one. She also told me that many of her clients are wealthy and or brilliant but who also get themselves into this muddle because they freak at anything to do with 'officialdom'.

I still feeling shocked and stunned. I don't understand how anyone could put their home and worldly goods at risk by ignoring letters, or rather not even opening them.

I have known for ages that something wasn't right but every time I asked I was told nothing was going on other than work stress.

I am the one in charge of all the money accounts so I know there are no nasty surprises there.

I think it will take some time to adjust to this new state of affairs. Why? Because what i thought was, isn't. It is different to the way I thought. No it isn't a disaster but it will still take time to adjust to this new dynamic.

Lazy Day

Yes, I am going to do nothing today. No swimming. I might not even knit. I feel like reading so that is what I shall do. I love to read and usually read in bed before sleep. Trouble is it takes me forever to finish a book this way as I only get to read a couple of pages before I fall asleep and I often re read them the next night as I forgot! I am reading Selpuchre by Kate Mosse who also wrote Labyrinth. I enjoyed that one and this is a delight too.

I am often wryly amused by people who tell me off for judging whilst at the same time they are judging me! The assumption that they know me is even more amusing. And then making judgements about me and my personality whilst telling me I really ought not to do that! Something about looking into mirrors comes to mind. I have found over the years that people who are forever pulling up others with 'don't judge' are doing precisely that!

I spoke with John last evening about my desire to do nothing for a while. I have felt recently as if everything is going too fast, that I need to stop and rest. I have just felt really tired, not in much pain for a few days but that started up again yesterday. My spine is inflamed and thus my rib cage and now my hands too. Nothing new of course, just a part of my condition. And yes, I have been sensible and taken the right medication instead of just putting up with it. I discussed it with John because as I think I have written here before, I don't always know when to give myself a break.

The puppies are a delight. They are a day past 6 weeks old. I have whittled it down to two pups to run on as possible show dogs, James and one of the girls, who might be called Tabitha. As she is the daughter of Shameless, I had thought to find words like that.I have come up with Relentless and Dauntless which is okay for kennel names but not really for call names. Any ideas any one?

I gave in and stopped using the keyboard which came with my new PC. It is a wireless one and is pretty useless. It kept not working correctly and I would have typed out a few sentences and when I looked up, it had typed gobbledegook. I am back using my ergonomic plug in one.

It seems that we might have some summer this week. It was cold yesterday and especially last night. Today is warmer and it is supposed to get warmer and calm as the week progresses.

Four weeks today will be on day two of our German trip to visit with Diana and Lia and Lui and hopefully Jane will come over from Holland. I am really looking forward to it. One of the reasons I enjoy the break so much is not having to cook and not having to deal with t he dogs for a week. I miss them like crazy but do enjoy having the rest. Even though the rest is actually really rather tiring! The long drive, which I love to do, and of course the sight seeing, museums etc. But it is different so refreshing. I usually come back knackered!

I had an email from someone who was having difficulty approaching a task because of the math involved. Like me, she had been bullied by her father when trying to learn math. I reminded her she was no a child now, could take care of herself and the bully was no longer there. As odd as it sounds, when you experience prolonged suffering like that, one can continue to feel the same way long after the cause has gone. I know for me, that I can still awake full of dread and on those I just remind myself that I ma grown up now and those people are no longer around me. It works.

Is it just me, or do any of you find it odd, that of all that I write here, especially about abuse, that some people are only moved to comment when they read something that offends their cherished ideas? They don't seem moved to express empathy or horror at the events I have described, or solidarity, or support but are only interested in putting forward their agenda. I am not perfect by any means but I have read plenty of stuff on people's blogs that have moved me to comment supportively even though they also be writing stuff that conflicts with my ideas.

I think, being the angry, bitter person that I am, I shall now go and stick pins into effigies of those I hate. Never mind resting, this is too important. Besides, I can't really rest, I have too many people to scowl at and too many people to fight, too many people to condemn. Too many dolls to stick. There is no rest for the righteous.

(Oh and in case anyone is confused, this is my blog and I write what I feel to write when I feel to write it. Although some may feel some sad satisfaction in writing and telling me that they are not going to read my blog anymore, I don't really give a monkey's and wonder why such people would think I would! this blog is a journal for ME!! Not you. I of course like the fact it is read by others and I am appreciative of most of the comments it generates, even if I don't always agree. However, the primary purpose is a record of how I am day to day and how I have changed, or grown, over time. The fact that a side effect of my blathering has been that others have been helped is amazing to me. The most humbling and astounding comment I ever got was from a person who is a child advocate lawyer and they told me that they referenced me and my experiences when thinking about the best way to help the abused child they were dealing with at any given time. Wow! I had no idea just doing something like this for myself would have that sort of effect.

And yet I think that we are all ONE and what affects one affects all, even if we don't see it or are not aware of it. I think we don't really understand how we are indeed all connected and whilst one suffers we all do and whilst one experiences joy, we all do. I think all goes out there and ripple effect touches us all. I think a smile or a scowl does not just touch the one it is directed at. I think that what you feel and think, really believe, not only affects you but affects others too. I think that if a belief I hold is positive or negative it will have that effect not just on me but on you. For instance, my point about fundy beliefs, or atheist bigots, is I do strongly think that people who hold such beliefs are personally responsible for suffering such as that of Matthew Shepherd and those who loved him. I think that if you support Capital Punishment, you have blood on your hands. If you support war, you are personally responsible when that bomb blows up a family, and for when young men and women return home in body bags. I truly do understand the need people have for black and white truths. Grey areas makes us uncomfortable . It can be very scary. It is very scary! Living with uncertainty is frightening and not at all easy. But it is all we have. When we try to convince ourselves and others that there is only one Truth and we know what it is, we are in deep trouble. As evidenced by the world we live in and it's great suffering. This was clearly expressed by a conservative Bishop and the Co E's meeting where there has been much fuss over Gene Robinson being made a Bishop because he is gay and him being denied his rightful place at this conference. This conservative Bishop was saying that the trouble is that too many people deny we can know Absolute Truth and that Truth is subjective! To my way of thinking, this man was saying two things: I am absolutely correct in my judgement and my Truth is absolute. secondly, that those who disagree are wrong. It seems to em that this is a man who is too afraid of the grey and must have everything ordered in black and white terms lest he fall apart.

I rely on my thinking ability, my gut and my conscience and above all keeping my mind open. I have been been led many times to see that beliefs I held were wrong and harmful. I have also had other beliefs supported. Either way, I keep fluid, open and willing to learn. I believe that the only way to peace for myself and for others is by keeping my mind and my heart open. This doesn't mean I cannot speak out when I see great harm being done. This doesn't mean I can sit back and keep quiet when views are expressed that I see as harmful. No, I see it as my responsibility, and yours, to speak up. There are times of course when must act as if we are right. Do we hold back and not intervene we hear White Supremacists spread hatred? When religious fundamentalists spread hatred? When children are being abused? Do we hold back because we have no right to judge? Or is this just an excuse to cover our cowardice? It is quite possible to intervene to prevent harm, if possible, without hating those we see as creating the harm.)