UNWANTED BAGGAGE

I have been dyeing some tweed effect sock yarn. I like this yarn very much.

Whilst I was doing it I was ruminating about what happened at Friday’s dog show with regard to these friends of ours for the last 30 years.

I think what I am so shocked by is how I grossly misjudged the woman’s character. I am still completely dismayed at her smug self-righteousness as she looked at me and said “well you didn’t send the pedigree”!  What sort of mean-spirited nasty piece of work ends a 30 year friendship because of an unposted pedigree?  Especially when said friend (me)  has been more than a friend is expected to be.  (The pedigree business was an outright lie anyway and was just an excuse but one that revealed her true nature.)

Over the years I gave them an awful lot of financial help.  I listened to her as she complained about how badly this person or that person had treated her and regaled me with stories of the awfulness of people, with her of course being the hard done by and put upon star of the story. I fell for it hook line and sinker. 

I met them when I was emotionally unbalanced and very vulnerable and because she acted the Earth mother with me, I was hooked.  Even though in latter years I began to notice that I was being taken advantage of I still made excuses for her.  I would never, ever ever, have believed that she was so far away from the person that I thought she was.

The good that has come out of this is yet again confirmation that I really ought to take notice of my gut feeling.  My doubts about them have been confirmed.  Had I said something as I wanted to back in 2005, I would forever have been haunted by guilt and self doubt.  It is good that the truth came out now without me having to do anything or say anything.  I guess people’s true nature eventually reveals itself.

I am not plagued with self-doubt or feelings of guilt.  I was a good friend to these people and it is they who did not deserve me.  I used to think I owed them because she had been motherly towards me and on more than one occasion she more or less said as much. It never once occurred to me how good a friend to them I truly was.

I could have said so much on Friday.  And other people would have heard what I had to say.  I do not regret keeping quiet because I did the right thing.  No matter how nasty she was I rose above it and refused to play dirty.

I will keep my own counsel until my dying day with regard to them and so will John. Neither of us will ever tell what we know. The only possible reason for either of us to open our mouths would be vindictiveness and neither of us are vindictive. Truth will out as they say, so it is really unnecessary for us to do or say anything.

In the end they have to live their lives and with the consequences of their attitudes and actions just as we all do.

If I were in a bad mood I might easily say that I feel like I have been treated badly and have wasted 30 years of friendship on people who did not deserve it.  I agree they did not deserve my generosity, my love, and my kindness but I do not agree that I’ve wasted 30 years of friendship with them because I have learned a great deal from this experience.

I really am astonished at the growth I have experienced internally.  Only a few years back this would have devastated me.  It would have filled me with terror and I would have been desperately hurt and I would have been trying to find a way of fixing it because of course I would have taken the complete blame.  I am not that person anymore and I know that I am not to blame and I know that I do not need them.

The big relief to me is that I no longer have to fret about them because I was always worried and never felt totally at ease because I always felt that their so-called love of me was conditional.  In fact I am fairly certain that this situation has arisen because I had the temerity to say no to them.  No was something I was always afraid to say because I thought that this would happen if I did.  I have been proved right in that they certainly do not like being told no but I have been proved wrong in its effect on me.  Underneath the shock and the anger and the disbelief that I could have got her character so wrong I am just relieved that I no longer have to give this any thought.

I really do not need to be told not to dwell upon this.  This only happened on Friday and I cannot pretend it didn’t nor can I pretend that I have processed it all by today! It will take time all of this to melt away but it is most certainly a lesson that I will never forget.