Too Much Information

WARNING: blunt talk about IBS and toilet issues.

Okay so if you have been following this blog for a while you will know that when I go away I have trouble sleeping and trouble in that by guts block up for days and when I finally get to go it is all a lot of pushing for nothing but a chipolata sized effort.

Then I had my big emotional epiphany the last few months of last year where I finally realised that I had been abused because there was something wrong with those who abused me and not with me. Meaning I finally understood that they abused me because of who they were and not because of I was.

We went away last Xmas just as I was coming to the end of this traumatic time. I slept well for the first time ever away from home. My gut was not comfortable but I did at least go regularly. I still got the burning discomfort and the crawling feeling.

Soon after getting back from this trip I was put on medication (Colofac) for IBS and this worked immediately. My spasms stopped . More than that, my toilet habits changed too, for the better. It seems I have had IBS for years and that what I thought was normal was not. I imagine, but cannot know it, that this was probably brought on by the purging and vomiting from years of anorexia/bulima.

Anyway, I have recently been away again. I slept really really well. In fact I slept better than I do at home. My bowells on the other hand were in a cantankerous mood. Typical IBS symptoms but different to my normal ones. This time all was well until suddenly I cramped and needed to go as soon as possible, preferably sooner. Really disconcerting. I was in Globus, a huge store, with two sets of loos but a long way from where my cramp came! I only just wheeled myself there in time! Okay, so now I was uptight and worried about this every day. Now I could not rely on needing to go as soon as I woke up. Nope. My bowell just screamed at me when it felt like it, whenever it felt like it. Fortunately, I was near a loo everytime. The only bad time I had was the incident in Globus which was really awful. I really did not think I would make it.

This next bit makes me worry that George Bush will send an army to attack me for having weapons of mass destruction. All be it just one weapon of mass destruction.

My farts.

IBS farts are truly awesome. Even I think they are deadly and normally ones own farts don't alarm one. I took the attitude that Graham Chapman (of Monty Python) took, who declared that one of the greatest pleasures in life was to fart in bed and stick your head under the covers. Well, I used to agree but I do concede now that this may indeed be hazardous for my health. Strange as it seems though, when I actually go, it whiffs not.

Okay, so on my hols, I am tyranized by my bowell and needed to have a loo in easy reach at all times since I did not know when the urgent need to evacuate would come upon me. And because I had company, I had to coninually supress the ned to fart or go keep nipping out. I dealt with it quite well. I was releived, so to speak, upon crossing the Channel on the way back home, to know that my gut would get back to normal.

Did it hell! No sirreee. It went on strike. So here I am back home for 4 days and not a peep from my bowell. Not a chipolata in sight. Not even a fart. My stomach is bloated, my waistcoats feel too small, my trousers too tight, and I am wondering when I will deliver. I have drunk loads of water, you could almost say much as in Chinses Water Torture. I have eaten plenty of the green stuff with lots of fibre. Nothing. Swimming 40 laps twice. Nope. So this afternoon I resorted to a couple of Sennacot. This evening I got the mildest of hints that something might be moving. It did. Very genteel it was too. Normal in every way. A turd to be proud of. Phew. Now I don't feel so bloated and no one will mistake me for the first pregnant male in history or assume I drink beer by the gallon.

FLABBERGASTED

I was in the supermarket. I was sat in my wheelchair.

A young man obviously wanted something off the shelf next to me. He said not a word to me but straddled me and reached for what he wanted and walked off with it. Not a word or a glance in my direction. I should have bitten his bum but was too taken aback to respond!

Last year a woman did something similar but she only leaned over me. This guy almost sat on me, with one leg either side of my lap. I should have screamed out that he was trying to molest me or something. In fact a friend suggested I have an alarm to let off when idiots do this.

ENRIQUE \Mexico Colour

These were knitted using the traditional top down, heel flap method. I am not so keen on this. I do like the finish but it was much more awkward to knit than my tow up method, and I only had about 3" of yarn left on sock when I was done, which was nerve wracking! I find this method uses more yarn.

They were knitted using 1 Hiya Hiya 2mm circ and 1 Addi 2mm circ.

The yarn is Fortissima Colori 'Socka Color' in the Mexico range, number 4254. The yarn is 75% superwash wool and 25% nylon.

Mirage

These socks were knitted for Heather who has arthritic feet. The leg is shorter than I would do for myself.

I used KnitPicks 2.25mm circs, knitted both at the same time but on different needles.

The yarn is Regia's Mirage, a Kaffe Fasset colourway. I am a little disappointed with the way these turned out pattern wise. The yarn is 75% superwash wool 25% nylon.

I used my own toe up method with my Andersson Heel Mach 2.

Gute Fahrt

Our journey was excellent. The drive to our first stop in Dinant, Belgium was pleasant and enough driving for that day as we had left our home at 5am. The Hotel was in a forest which involved us driving for several miles along a single track road which was a bit hairy. We met another vehicle, a 4WD (SUV) and it kindly backed up for half a mile for us! The hotel was very nice but had I realised it's situation, I would not have booked it. Certainly no good for longer than a night's stay for us.
We arrived the following day, Monday, at our hotel in Mannheim and we went directly to Sandhausen to our friend's Lia and Lui where Jane had come to from Holland . (Jane and Lia are sock knitters and that is how I met them - on Socknitters). It was Lui's 67th birthday and I had brought a cashmere sweater I made for him. He was pleased with it. He had cooked us a good meal of lamb and veggies. Lui does great food!

On Tuesday it rained mostly but that didn't matter as we had already planned to spend the day in Globus, which is a big hypermarket. Heaven if you enjoy shopping.

Wednesday we all, minus Lui, went to Strasbourg. We had good food. The city is not the best I have been to and the cathedral was over touristed.


Lia and John in Strasbourg.
Jane in Strasbourg.

All of us in Strasbourg, with Lia and I not looking our best!
John, Lui and I at Lia and Lui's home in Sandhausen.

Leaving Germany

We have eaten a meal of salmon and ratatouille at Lia and Lui's home. I have not eaten salmon like this before. It was fresh, whole and baked. Excellent. Subtle flavour and not bright colour.

Tomorrow we leave for lunch in Luxembourg and will be in Calais, France for the evening. We stay there until we travel thru the tunnel on Tuesday morning, being home by lunchtime I hope. Then we can get our dogs back. I miss them like hell.

I got a ticket! We have parked the car in the same place each time we have stayed here (4 times) and today we got a ticket! It says we will recieve it in the post. I doubt if I will receive one and doubt even more if I shall pay it if I do. The hotel says I ought not to have got one as I have an official handicapped badge clearly visible in the window.

arrived

We had a great dinner with our friends Laurent and Francois in Fressain, France. We then drove on to our hotel in the Ardenne region of Belgium. Nice hotel in the forest but really not suitable for me for anything more than a night since I couldn't go walking in the woods!

Now we are Lui and Lia's home with Jane from Holland. Lia and Jane are both American.
Had a good time shopping. I have had to replace my German clothing as I now take a medium not an xl.

Oh and sorry about font in previous post. Have fixed it now.

Twit!

I have been busy looking thru two computers to find my booking confirmation for the hotel in Dinant, Belgium tomorrow evening. Couldn't find it so called the hotel. Guess who hadn't made the reservation? All sorted now.

We leave here at 5am and will drive to the tunnel, drive onto the shuttle and 30 minutes later drive off in France. We shall go to Laurent and François on the way. It is from them that Nechung came. I shall see what they have, maybe a nice male I can take one of my girls too.

We leave them to go on to Dinant where our hotel is in a forest. We have been to Dinant before, in the Ardenne region, and it is picturesque and old.

On Monday we shall drive the rest of the way to Mannheim, Germany and settle into our hotel before driving to Sandhausen for dinner with Lui and Lia. It will be Lui's 65th birthday and I have made him a light grey cashmere sweater. (he doesn't read this blog!)

We will also meet up with Jane and Diana. So four people all of whom I would not have met if not for knitting and the 'net.

James and Tabitha, the pups, are at Mary's home and the 4 adults, Nechung, Micah, Shameless and Whitney are at Lorraine's . Lui went to his new home. The house feels very odd indeed with no dog sin it. Even though I had just come back from dropping them, I still went to le them out and wondered why it was so quiet!

I have been wearing my hot pink DM's most of the day, Very comfy. Think I might take them with me.....

BT Phone Problem

I got in touch with Ofcom who gave me a case number and a special BT number to complain to. This expedited the whole thing. The problem is now sorted, I have been refunded. I have not got a satisfactory answer as to how I was billed for someone else's phone, or rather how their phone was linked to my address other than to say it was a crossed line. The other person clearly knew as they were not getting bills and when I called and left a message, twice, no return call and a sudden increase in calls from the number.

Anyway, the main thing, I got a refund, the number has been cut off, and I am only paying the bill for my own phone now.

Huh?

Well, I was asleep last night by 10.20pm!!! I slept thru until 3.15am. Then slept again till 6am. Not bad. I have gone back to using my horse shoe shaped pillow so i sleep propped up. It helps. I have not gone to the pool today.

I have knitted the front and back and attached the collar to a cashmere sweater in light grey that I am doing as a gift. I did all that yesterday plus my swim plus walking ALL the dogs. I managed to walk the dogs before the damn rain started - again. Guess what? More rain forecast. Oh, and more rain after that. Did I tell you it's been raining here for months now? No summer here.

I think the regular use of the drugs has made a big difference to me. Much less tired, better mood, more relaxed. I still worry about it. I wonder what regular use of these drugs is doing to my liver and or kidneys or just my body in general. Maybe I have no need to worry about that.

I have a busy couple of days ahead. Saturday the dogs will go to Lorraine. I have to bath them and Micah has to be put in oil as his coat won't get groomed for 10 days. The two puppies go to Mary's. Lui may be going to his new home on Saturday. It seems like the ideal home for him, with another Apso to keep him company and with people who understand how odd Apso can be. Lui is definitely odd but funny and not difficult.

I am hoping the weather will be better in Germany. From talking with Lia and Lui it seems their weather has been much better than ours. John says it's because we are an island and they are landlocked so their weather is better.

You know, I just realised that I did not crawl out of bed this morning nor did I take ages to feel okay and get my body moving. I took pk's before bed as well last night. Maybe that helped. It could just be I slept well so feel better. I still have a nagging voice telling me I ought to swim but I told it to go **********. I will walk the dogs if I can.

What A Surprise

Yesterday at the show I was using the loo and it had a full length mirror to the left of where I was peeing. I turned and looked at did a double take. I saw a slim handsome man looking back at me, dressed nicely and looking good. It was me!

I have not seen myself full length in a mirror for years. I just have the one for shaving and the one in the hall that shoes the top half. I have avoided mirrors for most of my adult years. All I saw was an ugly enormous deformed person looking back. Even when I was underweight, I saw a huge person.

Now at almost 50 years old, I am pleased with myself. Finally. I can look at myself and not cringe and feel shame. The road that led to here was excruciating but I followed it and here I am. Some have said I was brave. I know different. I had a choice, change or become insane and /or die. I changed.

I think many victims don't get this. It is we who have to change. Those who victimesd us cannot change us. We do need them to change for us to change. we dont' need them to be different in order to change. We need nothing at all from them to live well and be happy and above all to love and accept ourselves.

I used to think I needed the recognition of the abuse by those who abused me, an apology even. I believed I would never be free of of my family until that happened. I thought I needed them to love and accept me and approve of me.

None of that was true I needed to love, approve of and accept myself.

The day I realised, truly realised, that I had been abused because of who THEY were and not because of who I was, was the day I became free. It didn't feel like it at the time. Of course not. It felt like death. It was the most painful grief I have ever felt. It was appallingly painful. I cannot find words adequate enough to describe the wrenching agony I experienced.

Yet it was all to the good. It freed me. It allowed me to see I was loveable. That I was not loved by them because they were unable and not because I was defective.

Today I want nothing from them. I don't hate. I never did hate them, only myself. I don't regret. That is the most wonderful feeling. Liberation. To yearn for a thing so badly that you will never get is soul destroying.

In the end I did get what I wanted, Love, approval and acceptance. I gave it to myself. This is the only way that has true meaning. Yes, I was loved by fiends and by John. I was taught there was different way to view myself and the world I lived in. I learned the truth that we each create our own world and meanings.

I may have been taught to think the way that I thought. I most definitely was. However, only I could teach myself another way. Only I could undo the damage. It was simple. I had to learn other views, other ways to think. I had to KNOW myself. I had to realise that there was only one person I could change and that was me.

I didn't do this on my own. I was guided and loved along the way. By spiritual means and by people.

Have I arrived? NO! Growth and learning do not end. Now though I ma free to enjoy the journey. I am no longer hanging on with white knuckles to what little spark was left of me. That spark has become a light and I can see more clearly.

Raining Again

Normally the weather doesn't bother me much but I have to say I am very fed up with this summer. Wet and cool. For months now. Pouring again when I awoke this morning.Not fun when you have a hairy dogs to have to go out and don't want to!

Yesterday at the show it got very windy, cold and wet. I am paying for that this morning. Very creaky! Still, at least I was sensible and have not gone swimming.

Micah was 3rd in his class and Whitney was 1st. Worth going. This was the last show until September now. I miss Wales and Scotland as we will be travelling to Germany on Sunday, the day of the Welsh KC show and we will still be away the following Sunday which is the day of the SKC show.

I really enjoy going away and have very good people who house and take care of my dogs whilst I am away. I get a break form having to do things. I miss them though. This break, from 17th to 26th is longer than normal by a couple of days.

My new boots have arrived. I will photograph them later if the weather improves or if I can get a decent indoor picture.



I could not resist this awful t-shirt.

50 Minute Hours?

I think there is a government conspiracy going on. There must be. I am quite certian that an hour is no longer 60 minutes long, that there are no longer 24 of them in a day. In short, I am certain my days are very much shorter than they used to be. No sooner do I get up and potter around for a bit, it is time to go back to bed.

I used to be active on my email lists. Now I barely have time to read them and if the truth were told, I delete many unread. It takes me forever to read a novel. When once I'd read in bed for an hour or so, I now am lucky if I read two pages before I fall asleep. Getting up at the crack of dawn has not made my days longer at all. It just seems to have made them shorter has gone!

So who does one submit a complaint to about being short changed in the hours?

Am off to a show again tonight. Bournemouth. This is the last one for me until we get back from Germany. We leave for Germany one week today.

Mating

The six puppies are now two. Four girls have gone to their new homes. I think James too will be going. Tabitha is definitely staying. She is just what I hoped for from this mating. She is better than her mum and she has that 'look at me' attitude. She struts on the lead. Very easy to deal with and train.

All the matings I have done so far have been between dogs that were not related. Not difficult as I imported two females, one from Denmark and the other from France. I just keep using male dogs that I like and are of excellent quality and breed type. I have had puppies that are better than the mother each time I have bred. That is the idea. I have also kept the breed characteristics which make up the Lhasa Apso, especially in the head. Too many in the ring now are just well made small hairy dogs without the essentials that make them Lhasa Apso. Hopefully, I shall continue to improve what i have by going this way. I have lined up my next male, he is excellent in type and movement and build, and again, unrelated. I have nothing against mating related dogs together but it hasn't arisen yet. One doesn't NEED to do so in order to produce quality dogs.

My swim went very well yesterday. Taking pain meds regularly throughout the day seems to be working. I vary which ones I take.

I have another two pairs of DM's coming. Watch this space.

RESURFACING

I am just about okay today and will be off for my swim once I have written this.

The show went well with Micah and Whitney both achieving second place in their classes which was better than I expected. I am glad I went after all. However, I am going to have to give serious thought as to weather or not I do such a long distance show again. I had left here at 2am and got home at 11pm. I was fine. Until I awoke yesterday. Yesterday I could do nothing, not even knit. I have to say that whilst I think I just get one with it as regards my physical problems, I did feel a little sorry for myself yesterday. I hate the way it restricts me or makes me feel when I do something like this show. I know it would be normal to feel tired after a 540 round trip but I don't get tired-I end up hardly able to function and in much pain. It p's me off at the wasted day yesterday. I know, it could be worse and I am really lucky. I am too. And today I am okay again and off for my swim.

The last girl puppy goes to it's new home today if all goes well. This leaves me with Tabitha and James. Tabitha is proving to be a real little show off, just like her mother, Shameless, only better.
I know she is only 9 weeks old but I am confident that she is better all over than her mum. James I am not so sure of at all and he may not be staying.

Only 9 days to go till we go to Mannheim, Germany and see Lia and Lui and Diana.

All Sorts

SHOW

I am off to a dog show tonight so will be in bed by 5pm to be up at midnight. 250 miles to the show.
3 of the puppies have gone to their new homes, three still here. I changed my mind about Mama Mia and she is now called Tabitha which is what I had planned in the first place but forgot! I have habit of getting my words muddled and I made myself laugh Sunday night because I I was calling Shameless and Lui to bed but what I called out was: Lameless and Shui.

I have been to three shows recently where the judging has been very dodgy indeed. I now know why people get uptight about it! I don't mind at all being beaten or even going unplaced as long as I know the judge has no agenda other than judging the dogs fairly and honestly to the best of their ability and opinion. However, when it is clear that it is the owners of the dogs being placed or thrown out, it is very galling. It is also galling when you know that a successful dog has had it's pigment enhanced by cosmetics. I just cannot understand how people who cheat and judges who lack ethics sleep with themselves and I don't see the pleasure in winning unfairly with a dog. If the dog doesn't win on merit what is the point? Oh and it seems that such exhibitors and judges think the rest of us are so thick we don't see or recognize what is going on.....

PAIN CONTROL

I have been trying out something. I am taking half my allotted pain meds but I am taking it every day and regularly. I start as soon as I wake up and then every 6 hours. This is only the second day doing this. Yesterday, I was able to swim well and with little pain though I still needed help to get out of the pool. I spent the day doing stuff I had to do and did it all smoothly with little pain. I also felt good, not grumpy. And not knackered either. Today is going smoothly too.

I will have to do this for a while to know if it's the drug regimen or not. I am wondering if chronic pain causes fatigue? Is it coincidence I don't feel so knackered? Is it the lack of nagging pain that has made me feel much less grumpy so that the little things I found got me annoyed don't now? Time will tell.

SAD NEWS

Millie has gone back to live with Lorraine. She started to eat coat. We won't be trying again with these Mini Longhaired Haired Dax. It's too upsetting. I just have to accept the fact that coat chewing is their thing and as I have long coated dogs, they are not compatible. Drats.

IS THIS LOVE?

I learned when very young to keep my feelings in check. I knew that whatever or whoever I got close to, I would lose.

Now I don't know if I love at all. I don't know if I am capable of it. I know I love John because of the thought of him suffering in any way horrifies me. However, I am not sure about anyone else. I don't know if I love them for them or just because they treat me well.

I know I am not without feeling because I reach out to others when I see them in pain. I am not sure that is the same as loving though. I think I am so used to keeping my emotions in check that maybe I can't love now. Sometimes when I feel joy, always in relation to John, it frightens me and I feel my solar plexus slam shut.

I think some damage is not undoable. Maybe this is one of them. I don't know. I ponder this a lot wondering just how much of what I feel is genuine caring for others and how much is about protecting myself and therefore ultimately self centred.

NON, JE NE REGRETTE RIEN

There was piece on the news regarding Long Grove Asylum. I spent some time there in 77/78. I will never forget that place nor some of my fellow 'patients' nor some of the staff, so called 'carers'.

Anyway, I go to think about how some people say they have no regrets about the past and would not change it if they could.

I now think I understand this position whereas before I did not. I longed to change my past. Or, failing that, I longed to have something happen to me that would wipe my memory.

Today I know that I am the result of my past experience. ALL of it. Every bit of it, all the suffering, all the good and all the bad. Everything I did and everything that was done to me. Everything I said and thought, everything that was said to me and taught to me. All of it.

I like who I am today and I am happy. I no longer want anything from the surviving members of my family. For the longest time I thought I need recognition from them of my suffering and their part in that, a recognition and remorse for the abuse.

I don't need it today nor do I want it. The day I realised that the stuff that was done to me was done to me because of who THEY were and not because of who I was, was the day I was freed to really grieve and to let go of all that shit. With the letting go of that went the desire for anything from them. I am truly free of them. Finally. And I can truthfully say,

non, je ne regrette rien.