SO THAT'S WHY!

I love to go away.  Yet I have only done so on regular basis since 2002. I went once in 1997 and I did a road trip on my own to the United States. Although it was very exciting it was also the very worst time I can remember because I was in such a state with full-blown PTSD and not understanding why.

 Each time before we go away I start to get very anxious and I start to think of all sorts of reasons why we should not go. In fact prior to 2002 this is exactly what I used to do which is why we didn't go away. It was never an issue with money. In fact financially it would have been much easier to have gone away and to have stayed five-star every time had we chosen to because we had very little in the way of living expenses as our home came free because of my disability.

However, it was not to be. I gave up all idea of going away.

It was my love of the dogs that eventually got me going away. I used to find going away very exciting. I was always on my own all I was with adult and John was at home and he was looking after the dogs that were here. I used a telly phone him every day if not twice a day. So you see my fear of going away was negated by the fact that he was still at home with the dogs

No, the problem was all of us going away. This set off very old alarm bells. I moved constantly when I was a child and the lie that I was always told was that my friends my pets my home would all still be there when I got back. I never got back. I was always heartbroken. And I never had any comfort. Because I had no right to be upset. I was a sissy for being upset. I therefore learn to hide my heartbreak.

Unfortunately, what I also did was learn to disassociate. I never allowed myself to get emotionally involved with anybody or anything. It didn't always work but for the most part it did. As a result I was a very lonely child and teenager. The fact that I will serve nerd or a dork or just the sort of child but no one wanted to associate with made it easier because then I didn't have any friends to lose.

Well today as I was writing about the fact that we are away on holiday on Saturday and how nervous I was about it, it suddenly came to me why I go through this fear every time we go away. The fear is only there if we both go away. If John stays at home then my fear is assuaged although not completely because I then have to wonder if he will be there when I get back. However that fear is not as great.

When I write about such insights I do not wish to give the impression that I am miserable  and in bits.  Far from it. I am excited about going away. I am also excited that I have finally understood why I have a fear of doing something that I really want to do. I find these little discoveries exhilarating because it is yet another nail in the Coffin of my past yet another way in which its power over me today has been diminished.

I also share it because as you know that the main reason for me writing my blog is that it helps others to understand their own issues. I must apologise I have just lied. The main reason for me writing my blog is because it helps me feel better and it helps me understand my past and my present better. I only found out after writing my blog for some time that in doing so I was helping other survivors. So forgive me for writing that it was my main reason for writing this blog it is not. I am very glad that you gain something from my ramblings but it is an outright lie to say that I write solely for that reason. No, the fact that it helps you is a blessed side effect.  I could not be happier that by baring my soul on here has such a good effect upon other people. You will never know how good that makes me feel. But I never lose sight of the fact that I am writing this blog for myself. I learn about myself as I write. Although I wasn't writing on this particular blog I was writing when I suddenly made the connection between the leaving for the holiday and the constant leaving of my childhood.  Be experience of the latter explains the fear of the former. Now that this has been brought to light experience tells me that it will take care of itself.