Thursday, May 03, 2012


This really pisses me off. Seriously pisses me off.

I am a 53 year old man and yet can still be easily sent back into that abused child mode. I HATE it. Back into that black hole where everything is my fault and no matter what i say, someone else is determined to view me in a dark light.

One thing that I really really detest is being falsely accused. The very first time I spoke up about being sexually abused by a stranger, I was slapped, and told I was disgusting.I was 9 years old. It was my fault according to my mum. This was not the first time this had happened to me but I had been too afraid to tell. After this I never told again and went on to be further abused. A teacher of mine was a child pornographer and he used me. Now with the 'net, every time I hear of pedophiles being arrested for internet child porn, I always wonder if they were viewing me. There is nothing I can do about it.

At 16, I worked in a restaurant. i was good at it. A rather unpleasant woman started to work there and she really wanted her daughter to work there. she started trying to undermine. Eventually, she flat out lied to the boss about me serving oversized meals to friends(what friends?). I was sacked.

A bus I was on came to a sudden stop as I was stood and I fell on to a black man who immediately slapped me and accused me of attacking him because he was black.

Recently I wrote a kind and supportive letter to someone. They CHOSE to interpret this letter as malicious, patronising and arrogant. Nothing could be further from the truth. This person I had already given the benefit of the doubt to because some years ago they had been spreading untrue stories about me and how I kept my dogs. They supposedly had been fed the info by a third party. I forgave then, let it go, and decided she was probably an okay person. I was very wrong to have done that because it only led to me being deeply hurt yet again for the same reason; unethical behaviour on their part. I made the mistake of speaking to them to find out why on earth my letter upset them. I was in physical pain and tired. Not a good mix and very quickly I was reduced to tears and convinced I had indeed been a bad person whose only reason for writing the said letter was malice. I cannot tell you the intense fear this made me feel, how insane I felt. Was i really so wicked? could I really have written that the way ti was taken and not be aware?

 Now I have had some days to sort this through, and read and re-read and re-read what I wrote, I know precisely what happened. I was manipulated by a self centred person who wanted to view me that way, who took no responsibility at all for the twisted way they interpreted my words. A person not looking for offence would not have interpreted my words that way. It wasn't that i was clumsy, or wrote ambiguously. I was clear and my meaning was clear. Especially in light of what had been said to me prior to the writing. My heart went out to them, hence the letter. Well, not that this person means anything to me. But it always hurts when a kindness is returned with a kick in the gut. I have been proved wrong in being generous about them and that is that. End of. I will not make this mistake again. I am not a fool. I have been bitten, hard, twice. There will not be a third time.

It really is a shame. I much prefer to get on with people but I will not be treated so disrespectfully and if someone is so willing to view me as mean spirited then there is no basis for respect.

I am well aware that some people will not understand how such an otherwise minor incident could have such an impact on me, bring back flashbacks and night terrors. I really don't give a f*ck. Other survivors will get it very clearly.


Iris said...

Well, I understand. I, further, heave learned not to repeat information I have been "fed" by third parties unless I absolutely no it's true. Even in those cases, unless there's some kind of danger or if I am speaking to someone who can help someone else in danger, I keep my mouth shut. It has saved me ever so much stress and heartache. I learned this through very sad experience, though. Gossip, even when well intentioned, can backfire badly.

Anita said...

I am sorry Colin. I hope you feel better very soon.
I think you are amazing that you can show such love and compassion - but you must show yourself the same and protect yourself somewhat too.