WHEN?

I find the information I have for the use of my painkillers confusing and it worries me that I may not be using them correctly.

I have had an abscess at the root of my spine, have done my knee in, and had food poisoning. All of these were extremely painful. I am not in that sort of pain 24/7. Not at all. It is much more of a nagging pain which gradually increases in intensity and is all over my body, especially my joints, and especially hands, feet and hips. My muscles feel as though I have been lifting weights 24/7. Meaning the soreness one gets after weight training when oen is not used to it. Just sitting down and driving causes pain and sleeping does too, often enough to wake me as turning over isn't at all easy and it hurts. Sometimes the pain in my hips is enough to prevent me getting comfortable.I am also almost always tired, or rather fatigued.

Last night, I went to bed, and lay there reading and soon the pain I was in impinged on my reading and I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't even hold my book without it being uncomfortable. I lay there and tried to decide whether to take the drugs or not. As I lay there thinking about it, the discomfort in every joint, hard to describe but something like moving without being oiled, became louder. I got up and took the paracetamol and tramadol and gradually could feel it dialling down the pain. I was asleep before I was aware of the pain stopping altogether.

It rarely does so I doubt it did. The morphine is meant for breakthrough pain. Now that is really not easy at all. I am not supposed to take it on top of the Tramadol according to the Dr but not according to the Chemist. However, I do not know if I need to take it until I have taken the other two drugs and they have not worked! I only take 5mg or 10mg.

The last dog show I was at, at about 3pm, my friend pointed out that I looked awful and she suggested I sat down. I did and then became aware of being in considerable pain. I then realised it had been 10 hours since I last took drugs. I took them I have asked John what he thinks and he thinks that if I have pain all over my body and am uncomfortable then it is severe pain and I need to medicate. To me severe pain is like when I broke my ankle and arm.(John and friends say I am 'grey' when it is clear to them I need to take the drugs.)

As I type this, my hands hurt, my hips and my legs. I took the paracetamol and half the tramadol 2.5 hrs ago. It isn't severe hurting but it is enough for me to be conscious of it. So does mean I ought to have taken the full dose?The only time I am comfortable is when I have taken all three drugs together but I reserve that for when I really have to.

Usually writing like this I get to my own answer but I am still confused. Oh, I might add that I can take my drugs 4 times a day, 8 of each.(not the morphine.) I have never done that. The most I have taken is 6 of each. 3 times a day. I do have a hang up about drugs and taking them. Addiction is one reason. The other is taking them for the sake of it and not for need and it this latter that really confuses me. Most of the time do not know if I have a legitimate reason to be taking them.

BETTER DAY

I took Carly on her own to dog training last night. I discovered that she likes titbits. She was much more outgoing with people last night too and allowed people to touch her. We got the 'judge' to give her a treat before going over her and that really helped. I think Carly will come back to her normal self in due course. I do hope so as she is excellent quality and could do as well as Whitney.

I got though the worst yesterday and by the time I had returned for dog club the cravings had ceased. Today I awoke feeling much better. I haven't need to take it since Saturday but I have noticed that I must be sure to have eaten before I take morphine or it gives me the munchies in the same way that MJ does.

I have ordered three knitting books. The Vogue sock book and the Cookie a sock book. Also, from the USA, a book about twisted stitch knitting. I found a large cone of 80% wool 20% viscose in camelish colour that I think will be ideal for a twisted stitch jumper as it will hold the definition well.

I do not have a show until the 15th and I am glad of the break. I have one show at the beginning of December, two in January and I think that is it until April.

SH*IT AND DOUBLE SH*IT

I am craving like crazy and have been for 3 days. No I have not succumbed, but the damned ice cream and stuff is calling my name. I am keeping myself busy, not been anywhere near the shops Today I am without the car as it's being serviced so I couldn't go anyway which is just as well since the craving is particularly strong today. Before anyone asks, no I have not allowed any sugar, known or not, to creep into my food. Today I even went without the skimmed milk in my coffee so not even the tiniest bit has passed my lips. *(&$%^$£""!!$^%!!!!! I hate this feeling.

SOMETHING MISSING, SHE SINGS

I rose at 6.30 after a reasonably good sleep. I went to the pool at 8 and had a good swim.

The time I have to wait for my drugs to work-heart and pain-is my favourite time for knitting. It is early, it's quiet. I do not have a tv or radio on. I just sit quietly and knit. No matter if it's winter, spring, summer or autumn, I love the early hours. It's so peaceful and I usually knit without interruption. (Of course I have let the dogs out. They seem to think it's always too early because they rush out, pee, and come back in and go to sleep.)

I have bathed Edna and Carly. I had thought I might go to dog training tonight but really am done in now.

I have been listening to the whole album by Lily Allen that contains that brilliant song, F*** You. I admire this young woman. Not only do I get what she is saying in her lyrics, but she has guts to put herself out there like she does. Not just the FY song, the whole album is raw and honest. Funny how when I was her age I was thinking and seeing the same hypocrisy etc that she is singing about.
She sings of bigots and fundies that they 'have a hole where their soul should be'. What a brilliant line and astute observation.

Luque still hasn't had any nookie but he is happy. They are romancing each other. She is not ready yet but I imagine she will be in the next day or two.

DE - STASH ON EBAY

BOTANY AND CASHMERE/ SILK/ MERINO BLENDS

A STEP BACK

I felt very angry this morning. I went for my swim and I swam as fast and as long as I could. I could feel my anger dissipating as I swam. Or rather the energy going.

I feel unsafe again. Like the rug has been pulled out from under me. My trust in John has gone. I am sorting this mess out but don't worry still that he isn't telling the whole truth. I cannot see how he can be taken to court and be found against without him knowing anything about it. He insists he doesn't know and didn't know. It seems the first he knew about was when I told him. Yet the judgement against him was in April 08. How could they do that without issuing a summons? Also, why has nothing happened since? No demands, no bailiffs. Nothing.

Every time the telephone rings I jump. My stomach lurches when I see post. I jump when the door gets knocked on. (Why oh why do people ignore my sign. NO Salespeople, NO Canvassers, NO Religious Hawkers.)
I am having night terrors again which have me up and out of bed. I don't recall the scenario, just waking up not in bed. Needless to say my gut is not good.I am pissed off with myself. I hate it that all my old PTSD shit comes back when stuff happens.

I am putting more yarn up on Ebay. I am itching to get on the machines and make some sweaters out of the beautiful yarn I have. I do not intend to sell it all.
My visiting bitch turns out to be very well behaved and sweet natured but she isn't in the mood for shagging. Luque seems happy enough, he knows she isn't ready yet. She eats like a pig, gone in seconds and she snores! I didn't realise it until she was here but she is the grandmother of James, Carly and Bridget though no relation to Luque.

Carly Simon's new album, NEVER BEEN GONE, ought to be coming through my letter box tomorrow. Carly is 64 now. I am glad she is still recording.

KILL ME SOFTLY

Frequently here in the UK there is media discussion about euthanasia. At present, it is illegal, as is assisted suicide. Many people from here have gone to Dignitas in Switzerland to end their suffering. Those who accompany them are open to prosecution.

Those who agree that my right to end my life should remain withheld by law, lie. Why? They trot out the same arguments time and time again. The most pernicious lie being that no one need die in pain with good palliative care. NONSENSE. Even my Doctor, also a practising Christian, will tell you that over 30% people do not have their pain relieved by medicine.

I know of someone whose only pain relief was to have her spinal cord cut so she could not feel. She spent her time time dying unable to move. Now wasn't that a loving to do? Pish!

Then you get the argument from those with disabilities (I am one) who argue that if we allow people to have their rights respected, to be truly loved and cared for, and therefore be helped to die when the time is right and of OUR choosing, it will leave it open for people to go around killing people, especially the disabled, willy nilly. Bollocks.

Quite simply, if I choose to end my life, and I need help to do so, and I have someone willing to help me, then that is my RIGHT. By changing the law one is only giving me BACK my rights! As it is, in a democracy where Human Rights are supposedly sacrosanct, this right has been taken away.

This is my only fear about dying. That I will fall into the hands of control freaks who will insist I die in pain just so that their own ideas are held up.
If you believe it is wrong to end your own life, for whatever reason, fine by me. But how DARE you force that belief on to me and on to others? If I allowed one of my dogs to suffer and die the way many people are forced to, I would be prosecuted for cruelty, and rightly so.

There are those of a religious persuasion who say that euthanasia is playing God. well, so is all medical intervention if you think like that. Next time you have a an infection, don't take the antibiotics and take your chances. Need a bypass? Don't have it. Do not interfere with God's plan. Lets go back to the days of very high infant mortality, when children were lucky to live till 15 years old, and where life expectancy meant that I am ancient at 50!

The present laws are cruel and inhumane. Those of us who wish the laws to be changed are not asking for special treatment, just that our right to determine our own lives be restored to us.

I enjoy my life and I have no present intention of ending it. However, I see no 'greater good' in dying painfully and without dignity. By that I mean I see nothing to be gained by needing to be cared for as a baby again, to be unable to function, or think, or make my own decisions.

Oh and the way things stand now, the only way to end your life without involving anyone else, is to end it whilst there is still plenty of good life to be had because one would have to do it whilst one is sure one can without help. So those who deny us this help are effectively making sure we have shorter lives. So much for their belief in life.

The idea that someone I love will be left to die horribly is appalling to me. It DOES happen. I know it does. I have seen it. No amount of care and drugs can stop it. Have you thought what it must be like to vomit your own faeces because you have bowel cancer and it can't pass thru the normal way? Have you thought about the agony of growths inside your bones? What sort of God or person would think this is a good way to die? Or think that is how it must be?
Then of course, without medical interference, many would die long before the agony got that high.

Removing a person's right to determine their own life is a crime. To do so based on your own ideas of a God or Life is arrogant beyond belief. It is not your business, but mine.

It is my life and I have the inalienable right to do with it as I please with the caveat that I do not encroach on the rights of others to live theirs without being harmed by me or others.

YAK, MINK, CASHMERE ETC

EBAY STASH SALE (CLICK)

SOCK 61

I knitted these using King Cole's Zig Zag in Granite. It is 50% supwerwash wool and 50% nylon. I like the handle of this yarn very much. I am not overly impressed with the colourway. I bought it because I had seen a couple of pairs on Ravelry knitted with the same colourway and the colours had displayed themselves dramatically in pools and flashes. Alas, mine did not. I used 2mm Knit Pro circulars and my Andersson Construction method and the Andersson Heel Mach II (revised). These are the 61st pair I have knitted for myself.

Sixty Pairs of socks washed and now drying.

SURPRISING

Having convinced myself that yesterday's show would not be a good one, I was wrong. Whitney won her 6th Challenge Certificate and went on to win Best of Breed. In the group, she was in the final cut of 7. She has won BOB 4 times now and each time in the group she was in the final 7, with one 3rd placing and one 4th. This is very good, especially as she is black and not yet 2 years old.]

My waistcoat went down well. It was remarked by more than one person that I was dressed more conservatively than usual! Oh and I also took the comment of one of the people who comments on Midland Counties and I wore odd gloves too! One pink and one yellow, to match the boots. I wore them on opposing hands, meaning the pink on the opposite hand to the pink foot.

Today I am knackered and very sore of course. I didn't get to sleep until midnight as it took that long to wind down and for the pk's to work. I then managed to sleep 6 hours without waking. I stayed dozing in bed or another 3 before attempting to get up.
 

Today is sock washing day. I think there are now too many for one wash. I also need another sock basket.

Oh and I must tell about my very posh friend, whom I love dearly. She SWORE yesterday1 And she used one of my very rude but favourite sayings 'f*cking tw*t'. I was shocked! This is like hearing the Queen swear. (my friend has that sort of English accent .)The look of sheer delight on her face when she said it. She repeated it too! I didn't know I was such a corrupting influence! I can just imagine how her children would react if they heard it! It was very funny anyway.

This friend of mine I am very fond of. She is a delight to know.

Midland Counties

This is my outfit for tomorrow. The waistcoat just arrived yesterday from Jan at Waistcoats Unlimited. She made it for me from material I sourced on Ebay. I am very pleased with it.

I am not sure if I am actually going to the show tomorrow. I have arranged to call  my friend Angie, with whom I always travel, later if I am still unwell. She will then take Whitney for me and I have arranged for another friend to show her for me. Assuming Whitney will, of course.

I had a really bad night with pain and had to sleep sitting up again. Today, I have cramps in my gut and ribs. It started again whilst I was swimming but was just my ribs then. Now it is my guts and really painful. It is possible I have a bug or it is an IBS flare.

I do feel tired and like I just want to sleep and couldn't be bothered about the show. At the same time, I am hoping to feel better later so that I can go!

RAINY DAYS

It has been raining since I awoke. I did not swim and had planned to walk the dogs, hence no swim. The rain put out that idea.

I posted my Ebay stuff off to their buyers and whilst doing so, be left knee went. How and why I don't know but gosh it hurts. Trying to get back to the car was hard and getting in even worse. i seriously worried if I would be able to depress my clutch. I did and got back home okay. Taken pills and it seems okay now. I hope it stays so because otherwise I shall have to get someone else to move Whitney in the ring for on Friday and I don't know if she will take kindly to that. She is a one man dog.

I finished watching Heroes 2 and I think I get what is going on now. I have started on Brothers and Sisters 3 now. Gosh, the actress who plays Holly certainly plays bitch very well.

Two waistcoats arrived today. These are made with material I bought off Ebay. I am very pleased with them.

I am feeling good inside myself. I am anxious to get this tax business sorted but I am at least not anxious about my relationship with John anymore. 

After almost 29 years, I know and believe he loves me. I have never felt this before, really knowing I am loved. It is a nice feeling. It makes me feel secure. Oh I know being loved won't stop bad stuff happening. I can't explain it but perhaps I don't need to explain as I am pretty sure this is not a new feeling to most others. I am 51 in December and this is the first time I have felt loved and known it to be true. Life really does begin at 40 and gets even better at 50. 

This last decade has brought about a transformation with in me. I would say if it is like being born again, and I am sure that is what is meant by that saying, not the idiotic way most people use it especially when they have no clue. 

For me, it is like the hardened layers of crap have been slowly chipped away from me. Very painful but worth it. The removal of each layer has been excruciating and necessarily slow but as it has been removed I have become lighter and lighter until finally I am shiny and new(if somewhat old!).

I understand why the healing I needed could not happen over night. It would have killed me. Seriously. Unless one has been through it, one would have no inkling of how painful it is. Physically so, not just psychically. It astounded me. It still does. I am amazed that I have survived physically and mentally. Where I am now is certainly not where I dreamt I'd be.
I had no dreams growing up. Just to get away. Later, in my teens, I just wanted what I have now. To know I am loved and to love someone else. I never had any plans other than that. I was too busy coping. Despite the ways I coped, the eating disorder, the self harm, the mania, the agoraphobia, the OCD, I did cope and for long enough to find my way here with most of those coping mechanisms fallen by the wayside as unneeded.

Knowing I worked really hard and knowing how much I suffered to get here doesn't stop me realising just how lucky I am to be here.

WHAT'S UP?

My blog has gone peculiar. All the stuff on right is now at the bottom.I have tried in IE too and it's the same. I tried changing the template, same thing. I guess there must be something up with Blogger.

HUMPTY

We accomplished much over the weekend. We saw the Tax person and it is now in her hands. We know where we stand. According to her the worst has happened. She also told us that for years John has been paying too much tax! 

I think this whole episode has done us both good. We both realise the strength of our nearly 29 year marriage. I for one finally heard the words I have wondered about and always wanted to hear. He did a very un-John thing and told me exactly how he felt. About the Tax thing and about me. This was a first. He only ever said once that he loved me and that was almost 29 years ago! He has more than made up for it now. I am still reeling from what he has done and also from the knowledge that he didn't tell me because he was scared I would leave him. He understood that I would experience this as a very painful betrayal, that trust is a huge issue for me, given my past. He was wrong to think I would leave him though. 

I feel for him. This has been an enormous strain upon him. How he lived with it I don't know but it does explain an awful lot to me about how he has been and why he looked haunted but told me it was nothing or work stress. 

It has also brought a first for me. I have never, not once, shown my hurt to the person who hurt me. Shame and fear always prevented me. Not just that, but as a child it was all I could to not show any reaction. It was my revenge. However, on Friday, John witnessed the full depth of my hurt. I was very scared, as I always am when strong emotion begins to stir in me. It terrifies me and I always panic and feel terror before erupting. I then feel better once it is all out. I let him hear me, see me, and comfort me. It was strange for me but I think it was a good thing. 

It has certainly brought us closer together. Not once over the weekend did I feel annoyed or angry toward him. Just sad for him and glad that this is over. His gratitude that I have taken this weight off him is obvious. He is clearly relieved. 

I have surprised myself. I have sorted it all out an did so very quickly and calmly and in the right way. I had a very strange feeling when we saw the Tax Accountant. It was if everything became distant and quiet and I looked at her and got the weird feeling and thought that she was 'returning a favour', that something spiritual was taking place. I was certain from the first moment I spoke to her on the telephone that she was the right person to help us. She was the first number I saw and the only one I called. I was confirmed in my belief in her when we met. I just knew. 

In the scheme of things, this is a small thing but it doesn't half irk me! Someone bought yarn off me via Ebay and left me positive feedback but complained that the colour wasn't exactly as she saw it on her pc!!! This really annoys me. I have yet to buy anything over the net and have it be the exact colour I was expecting unless it was black or white. Honestly! How long does one have to work with computers and monitors before one realises that colour reproduction is not 100% accurate?? The same for those people who gave low scores on my DSR for postage. I don't set the postage cost, the Royal Mail does. Yes, I think it is expensive too but don't penalise me for it! 

Going for my swim the last half hour of the Early Bird session is working well for me. It means rising at 6.30am instead of 5am. I also swim less laps. However, they are faster and I only do breast stroke now. I still need help to get out of the pool afterwards but I am not ruined for the day by it. 

Luque has a nice surprise coming this weekend. A girl is coming to honeymoon with him. James won't be happy since he aint getting none! 

I have a show on Friday. I am not expecting it go well for Whitney but one never knows so we are going.I then have another on November 8th. I should have two in December but the one I have entered I think I shall not go after all and the second one I think I shall not enter. 

I am almost half way thru both socks of a pair of socks using King Cole's Zig Zag. I am using Granite shade. This is a 50% superwash and 50% nylon blend. Soft as I knit with it. I have three balls of it, the other two in different colourways. I bought them having seen socks knitted in the yarn that pooled well. Guess what? Mine don't! Pigs! Those who hate pooling get it all the time, and poor old me who loves yarn to pool rarely gets the pooling! 

I am watching the second series of Heroes since I was able to hire the whole series cheaply. I have watch 4 episodes and still don't get it. Am I being really dense here? It seems very disjointed to me. Yes, I realise some of the characters have superpowers due to evolution. I gather that some other characters are out to get them. But don't know why nor who they are exactly. Is there a point to all this?

LOST AND FOUND

Of course I know there was no malicious intent in this Tax avoidance thing. However, trust is a huge issue with me and this is very difficult to get my head around. If it was the result of addiction I'd get it. That makes sense to me. Believing that the tax man will leave you alone if you ignore his letters makes no sense to me.

I now realise what enormous stress he has been under. every time I have asked what the matter is, I have been told nothing, or stop nagging, or some such thing. I have KNOWN for a long time that things were not right and I believed the answers that it was work. Rather I didn't believe it but couldn't figure out what it could be. Now I know.

This morning, that day after arranging a tax specialist to take over this aspect of our lives, I awoke with a jolt. Within in ten minutes I had left he house to go an swim. I did a hard fast swim. Came home, got my hair cut and went to the Travel Agent to ask about cruises. Honestly, just what do they do these people? Couldn't answer my questions and tried to foist two large cruse catalogues on to me which I clearly wasn't going to be able to carry since I had walking stick in each hand.

I came home, ate, and then bathed Whitney. After I had done her, I trashed the house. Before I had done too much damage, I was collapsed on the kitchen floor binging my guts up. No not vomiting but purging the pain. I have known for a while now that intense fear means that I am going to cry and cry the sort of crying that hurts and sounds way off like an animal of some kind rather than me.

Just before this happens I am in a state of high panic and it is during this phase I am unpredictable and that makes my panic worse. 
 

John happened to call and heard the full force of it and what his actions have made me feel. He has always been my rock and I needed him right then but as he was the cause of the pain, I felt I had no one to help me deal with it. I felt really alone.
 

He said things to me that he has never ever said before - about his feelings, specifically for me. I was quite shocked to hear he feels about me the way I feel about him.
 

Although today took me by surprise, I am not so surprised it happened. I had been calm Wednesday and Thursday whilst finding out how to deal with it. I might have known a storm was on the horizon. It's over now and I feel calm again. 
 

With the words that have passed between us both, I think we both have a far better understanding of the feelings of the other and this is growth. A good thing. I am still reeling from discovering that he sees me as 'home' too, that he feels about me the way I feel about him. I didn't know that. I think I thought he was with me because he is kind and he wanted to support me in my endeavour to recover from my past.
 

I am tired, exhausted but feel better. Hopefully, now that this is getting sorted, John will begin to feel better and that will show. Surely the loss of this stress is going to make a good difference? He doesn't have to hide anything anymore and doesn't have to worry about losing everything.

I am baffled by this turn of events. I would prefer to understand it, which I don't. I do know that it is not because John is bad or otherwise deficient. He just has this block when it comes to officialdom and finances. In case I haven't said, I take taken all the financial decisions and I have full control over his salary, the cards, the bank accounts and have done ever since he took on a mortgage and I found out them that he was penniless despite his very good salary. I got caught out on this tax thing because he he hadn't had any tax papers sent here to his house so I never saw any of it. I have always left the flat before any mail arrives and that is where the tax stuff was going.

SORTED

I have arranged for a tax accountant to deal with the problems. She will also take care of the yearly tax stuff from now on. She will now liaise with the IRS and deal with it all. I felt as soon as I started to speak with her that she was the right one. She also told me that many of her clients are wealthy and or brilliant but who also get themselves into this muddle because they freak at anything to do with 'officialdom'.

I still feeling shocked and stunned. I don't understand how anyone could put their home and worldly goods at risk by ignoring letters, or rather not even opening them.

I have known for ages that something wasn't right but every time I asked I was told nothing was going on other than work stress.

I am the one in charge of all the money accounts so I know there are no nasty surprises there.

I think it will take some time to adjust to this new state of affairs. Why? Because what i thought was, isn't. It is different to the way I thought. No it isn't a disaster but it will still take time to adjust to this new dynamic.

NO HOLES BARRED

I knitted these using Lana Grossa Meilenweit wool/cotton/nylon/PBT blend. (The PBT is elastic type). The pattern is one I adapted from a lace pattern in a stitch dictionary by Lesley Stansfield. I used Knit Pro 2.25mm circs, one for each sock, knitted simultaneously. I would have preferred to use 2mm but was concerned abotu fit. The repeat is 10 sts plus 1 and 18 rounds. I am happy with these. I used M1 by lifting bar between between sts. There are of course holes, very small ones, and this is not a lace pattern as the original one was. I also changed position of knit and purl sts, specifically when making new ones. The originally had them all as knit sts and chose to make purl ones when appropriate.  Overall, I am pleased with these socks. Oh, and I used the Knit Pro as the very pointed tit made the work easier. All knit sts were knitted tbl.

Please note that I really try to please all and in that light, any flaws errors, or similarities to other people's projects are there to please those who like to find fault. 

I have been wondering if to blog about this but I feel so bad I feel the need to get it out. I will try to leave specifics out of it. I got an enormous shock today. A financial one. This could have meant losing our home. Only luck has prevented that. A bequest is coming and it is large enough to prevent the worst happening. All this because IRS letters were ignored because they were too 'scary to deal with' and after 8 years of ignoring, and keeping me in the dark, I discover this stupidity and the huge amount of fines. From the initial £100 to £16,084. We could have lost our home, everything. Only by someone dying have we been saved and the fact the probate is done with and the cheque is in the post. Despite knowing we are not falling in a black hole, I feel devastated by this severe breach of trust. I feel as though I have no one in my life I can trust.

MY GUIDE

I had a call from my former therapist at the weekend. Yes, we still keep in touch, 10 years after I stopped being his client. I was for five years. He has become the good father figure I never had. He made a promise to me when he first became my therapist that he would be there 24/7 for me always. He kept his word. I needed him to be at first. This man never once told me there was anything wrong with me, he never labelled me, diagnosed me. He just let me be and talk about what I needed to talk about and guided me. He suggested, gently, reading matter. I'd read and discuss. He followed the 'client centred' approach. I still am appalled that Carl Rogers had to come up with this as a theory for therapy!!!! Any moron should know it has to be client centred!

Anyway, this man saved my sanity, if not my life. I am where I am today because of him. His coming into my life was foretold to me by a complete stranger, a couple of years previously. They had described him and told me the car he he drove. I took no notice until the day R. came to my home having been called by John, I think, because I was having severe flashbacks. It was as he was leaving that I noticed the car and the foretelling came back to me. At the time, I thought it was nonsense. The person me told that the man he was describing would alter my life completely. He was correct.

I have woken up late to wet and dull weather. I didn't go to the pool. I knew when I awoke during the night for the 4th time I would not be going. Too sore today. And too tired. This not sleeping more than a coupel of hours at a time, and dreaming when I do, is a pain.

I have been watching the second series of Damages. I am surprised to find myself doing so because after watching the first, I decided I didn't like it. there were no pleasant characters, no one to empathise with, no one to support. However, it is riveting! So I am watching it and enjoying it and wanting to know what happens next. I found out that my local Blockbuster rents the whole season out for the week for just £6.

MY OLD MAN'S A DUSTMAN

We went to the 40th anniversary show of The Lhasa Apso Club yesterday. We took Whitney, Carly, and Luque. Luque was only there for his eye test, which he passed.

Whitney was 3rd in Open Bitch, the largest class of the day. I was surprised as I really thought the judge would not place her at all. Whitney also didn't put her usual all into showing. She was fed up. I have been told it is because of her hormones. Her tits are large and pink and it is almost time she would have puppies if she had been mate don her last season. Having not been showing regularly until 3 years ago, I haven't really noticed bitches moods change with the seasons. It explains to me why Whitney is different in her mood recently.

There is a couple, well known in the dog world and in our breed. The lady is 85 and the husband about 80. Anyway, she does say she wants. She collared me yesterday and told she did not like my orange outfit as it made me look like the dustman! Obviously her dustman in her area wear orange overalls. I pointed out that I am was fairly sure that her dustmen did not wear white floral patterned Doc Martens. Was I offended? No. I thought it was very funny.

Now I am sure you are wondering why I wore the orange outfit again. I didn't. At the last minute on Thursday, I changed my mind about the outfit for SWKA show. I ended up wearing the parrot waistcoat, green trousers, green hat, green frock coat and one green boot and one orange. IT was just as well. The lighting in the show hall was awful and it turned my orange boot to baby shit yellow. Thank goodness I had changed my mind at the last minute!

I had a terrible night with pain and not sleeping well. My left hip started to seriously play up yesterday at the show and is now really quite bad. I can walk, just. I think I might have to sleep in the recliner chair tonight and until this wears off.

I knew I should not have. I took my sock knitting and instead of taking a simple one, I took my green no holes lace ones. Today I have had to rip back all the knitting I did yesterday! I really already know NOT to knit complicated stuff at shows, but I ignored my own knowledge. Bah!

I am assured that Carly will go back to normal once she has had her season. I hope so. I had already taken for a practice run around the ing and she met people and allowed them to touch her. She was okay being judged until she had to do her walk. Some idiot was sitting on the floor in ring, right where the dogs were suppose dot do their triangle. He was directly in Carly's line of sight and she balked and that was that. She refused to show herself after that. I think something might well have spooked her anyway, but really this man ought to have known better and I am rather annoyed the ring steward didn't tell him to move.

John and I have both been to the Dr, his. He got his meds sorted and we both had our 'flu jabs.

It's a sunny day, somewhat cool, about 10c (50f). Although I had thought about going for a lunchtime swim, I think I am better off just resting today.

YAK HAIR Etc on Ebay

YAK, CASHMERE, ALPACA

CLICK ON LINK ABOVE TO VIEW

SWKA 08 10 09

POLANSKI DEBACLE

I am appalled, really upset.

It's a given that I'd be upset and outraged that a man in his 40's plied a child of 13 with booze and drugs and then raped her, vaginally and anally.

What has really got to me is those people who are calling for him to be freed, who are making light of his crime, some of them don't even think what he did was 'rape. I am very sad that Whoopee Goldberg is one of them. I am stunned she would think such a thing, let a lone say it. She has a daughter!!!! What if Polanski had done that to her child when she was 13? 

From court testimony it is clear the child was not a willing party to this crime. even if she were it was still CHILD ABUSE.

For f*ck's sake, why oh why do people still not get this? What part of an adult man having sex with a 13 year old could possibly be okay? Do these people have low IQ's? If only one could blame lack of intelligence. They clearly are not lacking mental capacity.

They do seem to be lacking in compassion and understanding. They seem unable to see children for what they are - children who are DEPENDENT upon adults to protect them. Some of these Polanski supporters have children. How dreadful that their own children now know that their own parents don't think children who are abused are innocent. God help any of them should they have suffered abuse in the past or the future. They cannot rely on their own parents to believe them or not to blame them.

Some of these people are people whose work I have enjoyed. I will never be able to see them again without knowing what they have done. I feel betrayed. They certainly have betrayed that child, now a woman, and their own and every other child. 

I am so shocked by this I can scarcely believe this has happened.

No this is not about revenge. It is about POLANSKI being held accountable for what he did. It is about saying to that child, to all children and to all adults that what he did was WRONG. There are no excuses. It was wrong. 

The fact he is a Holocaust survivor and that his poor wife was murdered so horrifically does not mean that he did not commit an evil CRIME and that we should not hold him accountable for it. 

I do not advocate locking him up and throwing away the key. i advocate only that he be made accountable, that he be made to see that what he did was WRONG and for him to admit this, sincerely, in public. He also needs to apologise unreservedly to the 13 year old child that still exists inside the 39 year old woman. Despite the the compassion that 39 year old woman has shown Polanksi, the 13 year old still is owed this.

I am sickened by what he did and I am sickened by those who have sought to excuse him. I am almsot more angry at them than I am at him.

As I have said many times before child abuse would not happen without the consent of others. This clearly shows this to be so.

THOUGHT BEFORE BEDTIME

1. Meritocracies are deeply flawed and do not work. They do allow the haves to feel better as they step over the have nots.

2. If one is going to leave comments have the courage to leave your name. I have left the option for anonymous comments but rather hoped all commentators would have the integrity to not comment anonymously.

JUST AN IDEA

POL POT, STALIN, HITLER, OSAMA BIN LADEN and many others are on our 'evil' list.

Yet these people did not do what they did on their own. In fact it would seem they didn't do it at all. Others did it for them.

People like you and me. People like our neighbours. People like out parents, grandparents, children, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, friends, teachers, doctors.

None of the crimes these men are known for could have happened without the compliance of ordinary people.

The millions of disabled, homosexual and Jewish people killed during the Holocaust were killed by ordinary people. People like you and like me.

We find that idea far too scary to face so we pour all our fear and hatred onto one person and thereby excuse the rest of us.

It also enables us to carry on hating. To carry on discriminating. It enables us to be racist and homophobic. We tell ourselves we are not evil like Hitler, we wouldn't send people to death camps so it is okay for us to hate those who are different.

It was people, ordinary people, who decided that homosexual survivors of the Holocaust were not entitled to any form of help or compensation because they 'deserved' it. It seems the killing of six million people didn't teach anyone anything.

Look at the world today. You'd think the Holocaust never happened for all that was learned from it. The hatred still abounds on all sides, both victim and oppressor giving out hatred, in fact it has become difficult to tell them apart. We expect peace but not at the cost of giving up our hatred.

We discriminate against our our kind. Some of us are not black enough, gay enough, Jewish enough, man enough, woman enough.

We think in terms of separation and we call it good. We label each other in order to be separate. We cordon off bits of the planet and call it ours and prevent others from entering. We call them different. We even say they are not human like us.

We hold religious ideas that separate us. We say those who don't believe as we do are wicked and destined for hell or non existence. We think it our right to force our ways on to others.

All that separates all of us is our beliefs. Our beliefs are only ideas that we have. They are not TRUTH. No one knows what that is. Objective Truth is not attainable and no one, but no one, knows what that is, no matter how vociferous they may be. All we have is ideas. Those ideas may approximate Truth but that is all they can do. How do we know if they do? I'd have thought that the first rule would be 'how much harm' does this idea cause? Most of our ideas would have to be ditched if we thought about that seriously.

No matter how strongly you believe something, it is still just an idea, not TRUTH.

Yes, we can know some mathematical and scientific truths but we don't know them all.

No one knows the whys and wherefores of our existence. Instead we have stories about how we got here and why we are here and where we are going. Whether our idea is science based or spiritually based, it is still just an idea because none of us knows.

We mostly, not completely, believe what we believe because of how we FEEL. Fear is usually at the root of what we decide to believe or not to believe. Certainly most religious teaching is based upon fear no matter what anyone says to the contrary. They will argue that their God is a God of Love but the He will destroy disbelievers! They don't see the inconsistency in that. Nor the wickedness. Nor the sheer and utter pain of and sadness of it.

We too often believe what others believe because we want to belong. We don't want to be ostracised, left out, or rejected. Thinking like this ultimately leads to self destruction and misery. Misery for others too who suffer the results of your fear.

WE CANNOT LIVE AND NOT AFFECT OTHERS.

I have no trust for anyone whose God would destroy them if they did not believe because I cannot trust their motives. Are they acting from true compassion and love or from fear? It must be from fear, it cannot be from anything else. If they believe their God will smite them for not believing, then their actions are fear based. Look at the world. This was well illustrated to me when a missionary was asked why she worked in such dire conditions, for people is such great need. Her reply was that she did for 'her god'. In other words she was was acting purely out of fear for her own safety and not for the love of those she was supposed to be helping. I think, that even if not obvious, this counterfeit 'love' will show itself in the results of her 'help'.

I was truly shocked to hear her words. I really, naively, expected her to say she did it because she couldn't bear to see these people suffering and she felt compelled to relieve where she could. I was stunned by her selfish, rather than selfless, response.

In the end we all experience the consequences of our beliefs and the actions they engender. We cannot escape these consequences. The good ones nor the bad ones.

To suggest that someone else already 'paid' for our mistakes is a source of much wickedness and pain. It clearly isn't true for one thing. If it were then the believers would all be happy and well and never ever suffer anything negative. The fact they do shows this to be a lie. It also enables people to act in harmful ways towards others in the belief that they are right and if they are not, well they won't suffer the consequences because they have been 'saved'.

Our beliefs can destroy people. even if we did not pick up the knife, the gun, the rope, by believing that others were 'less than us' we were a part of their destruction as surely as if we did it ourselves.

The widespread belief that human beings are bad at core results in the world we live in. Nothing has been learned from history. Nothing. We still, on the whole, try to force out ideas upon others.

We live with the consequences.

THIEF!

I thought that as I was home by 4pm yesterday, that I rested, and did plenty of drugs, I'd be okay for my swim today. No. Today will be a nothing doing day as usual after a dog show. At least I was able to get out of bed on my own!

It was cold last night and the first night we have had the heating on all night.

My dogs are so funny. It is real pleasure to get home and have them greet me with such enthusiasm. Luque goes nuts and he howls. Whitney does too if she has been left. They are father and daughter and both are vocal but not yappy. None of my dogs are barkers. I don't allow it. The dogs also greet eachother if , like on show days, one or two have been away and the others left at home. That is very cute to watch too.

I have to sit down and let them greet me otherwise they are in danger of knocking me over. I speak to them of course and I guess I wouldn't want that recorded! In fact pretty much most of my conversation with my dogs I'd prefer not to be recorded.

Some people must think I am stupid or they don't see how transparent they are. On THAT list someone wrote in to say how much like another well known pattern my new pattern is. They both have k2togethers and that is about the only similarity. You think they could have waited till my sock was completed before charging in with this veiled accusation? I had, in my original message, made it clear that I had tweaked a pattern I had taken from a stitch dictionary.

I once got an email, supposedly full of praise, but actually accusing me of plagiarising someone else's method for sock construction. The email was, they wrote, from someone who was blind. I didn't respond.

I think some people are very insecure and the idea that a man might be good at what is, wrongly, perceived as 'women's work', seems to bring out the worst in them.

FROZE MY WHATSITS OFF

It was very cold and windy and although I wore my thermal vest and hose, I froze. The judge wasn't enamoured with Whitney and she was 4th. That is the way dog showing is. Up one minute, down the next. Not all judges know what they are looking at.

My comment re the USA health care drew only one outlandish and angry comment. Not bad going is it that! (as they say up north).

How it works here: those who work all pay National Insurance. The more one earns the more one pays. It doesn't break anyone. And EVERYONE gets medical care and drugs. No it isn't perfect, but we do not have people go bankrupt to pay for treatment, no one is denied treatment, no one is afraid to go to the hospital or doctor for money reasons.

The imperfections in our system, the idiocies, the unfairness, and all of that, exist, but they are nothing compared to what we know of the USA system-from Americans who have suffered through it or because of it.

There is nothing intrinsicly wrong with everyone who works contributing to healthcare for themselves and everyone else. John has paid the contributions all of his life. He is now 62. Until recently, he never took any benefit from it because his health was always good. I on the other hand have never been well enough to work and have not paid any contributions but have received much healthcare provision and financial benefits. some people object to that strongly. I can only assume they think people like me should be put down.

What about those born with longer term health issues, Cystic fibrosis for example? Here they would still live a good life and would not be broke paying for treatment, or not get it because they could not afford to.

John cannot pay insurance for me as someone suggested. Even now that we have Civil Partnerships (marriage under another name), he still couldn't.

I cannot get private health insurance because of my health problems. Even if I could, it does not cover the cost of drugs.

The person who suggests I know nothing of the USA system knows nothing about me. I know it is true that millions have no healthcare provision. I personally know Americans who go without medical needs because of the lack of money and also those who go bankrupt due to health costs. Not everything about the USA is wonderful and to suggest that those of us who see that are mad, bad, and dangerous is plain silly and does nothing to enhance anyone's view of the American people. I know for a fact some of you are quite nice with working brains. ;-)

In a private email, I was taking it all in until it got the part about Mr President Obama being a Marxist.....then I sort of got that look one gets when one realises the person one is talking with is away with the fairies.

Do try and play nice if you are going to leave comments. As the top of my blog page says, I don't censor if you have a different viewpoint. So when some choose to make claims that I 'won't publish this' they do so in the certain knowledge that they do not know me but make assumptions anyway. Really, if you are going to make judgements about me, one should at least have a rudimentary knowledge of me! Don't you think? I will censor if you are abusive, make ad hominem attacks, and some sail pretty close to the wind in that respect. I don't find it necessary to attack you in order to share my thoughts,or disagree with you, so please feel free to do likewise.

I am so glad I do not suffer from Patriotism. The one indoctrination I managed to escape. It is, like all indoctrination, nothing but harmful.

I heard someone say yesterday that all human beings are the same, it is only our beliefs that separate us. How true and simply put. I also liked Yarnhog's 'the difference between conservatives and progressive's is that conservatives base their politics upon the fear people are bad, and that progressives base theri's on the hope people are good.' Short and to the point. Thanks Yarnhog.

DRIFFIELD SHOW 4TH OCTOBER

DIE FOR FREE

I settled on a design for my next pair. It took a few frogs before I settled on this and kept it in my head. It turned out to be a simple pattern, different from what I started with, but more in keeping with the image I had of what I wanted. The needle is a Knit Pro (Picks) 2.25mm. The yarn is by Lana Grossa and it is part of the Meilenweit (Uni) range.
These two pictures are my drugs, two months worth. I get all of these for free. they alleviate suffering and keep me alive or ratehr lessen the risk of sudden death. If I have understood correctly, the majority of Americans would rather see me suffer and die than provide medical care for all.
I was up at 5.30am today. I am off to a dog show tomorrow morning and need to be up at 2 am so I always get up early the day before to help me be tired by the 7am bed time.

There is a possibility that we won't be going to the show. There are weather warnings out for today of high winds. It is already very windy. Tomorrow is supposed to be settled and cold. We will wait and see.

I have another show on Thursday deep in the wilds of Wales and then the 40th Anniversary show of The Lhasa Apso Club (the first UK club). Then I have a couple of weeks off till the last show of this month.I have one more in November. There is another November show and two more in December but I am probably going to stay at home.

The dogs amuse me. They each have their own cage. They are kept in them when I ma out or in bed or any time I need them to be safe and out of the way. Mostly, they do as they please. When I came up here to the pc, I was closing gates so that none could get at my knitting. I noticed all was quiet and took a peak and there each dog was, in their own cage, sleeping with their heads hanging out. to them, their cage is their den. At dinner time, they all go rushing into their beds. Any time I say 'bed' they do the same. It is quite a thing to see. Seven dogs each going to the right bed. It's like watching a Red Arrow display team.

I am reading the new Dan Brown novel, The Lost Symbol. We have it in hardback because John had to read it for work. I am enjoying the book. I think he knows hoe to write a thriller.

I used to read a couple of books a week. Now, no matter how much I am enjoying the book, I don't read more than a few pages each night before I fall asleep. I go to be bed early to give me at least an hour's reading time but it doesn't work. I fall asleep!

Speaking, (okay writing) of sleep, I am sleeping better recently. Waking up less, getting up less often and not had any spasms since last weekend. That weekend was rough. Very little sleep and no matter what I did, I awoke all over again with my rib cage in spasm. My usual trick of propping myself up on the horseshoe shaped pillow didn't help.

It has been a much better week with regard to fatigue. I have changed my swimming routine. I know get to the pool for the last half hour of the Early Bird session which finishes at 9am. This gives me enough time to do half the amount of laps I am used to. I have done it 4 times this week. I feel satisfied with this. I have at last stopped fighting and accepted that my days of 1mile a day, 7 days a week have gone. I don't know why other than my illness is progressive and I guess this is what that means. I think if it was just a blip, I'd have been able to go back to that ages ago. instead I have struggled with this issue for a year. no matter how much I forced myself, went to bed earlier, made other adjustments, I just could not get back to that amount of swimming. As a result I put on 7lbs in weight. Not from lack of swimming but because I made myself weak and miserable and exhausted and thus how I ate took a turn for the worse. I am back on track now.

WUERTTEMBERG

These are one of my favourite pairs to date. I really like the colourway, the stitch and the gauge. One of those pairs that are aesthetically very pleasing to me. My American friend Lia bought me the yarn as she rightly thought I would like the colours. She lives in an area of Germany named Baden-Wuerttemberg hence the name of these socks.
I knitted toe up using my Andersson Construction Method. My tools were 2 Knit Pro (Picks) circular needles, 2mm size. Each was knitted on it's own needle. I knitted 10 rows alternately so that I end with a pair and do not have to worry about second sock syndrome.
I used my Andersson Heel Mach II (revised). It is so simple and has a really nice line and finish to it.