Well, I Never.....

I really felt like crap yesterday and I had a service to go and do. I didn't want to and I didn't think it go well if I did. However, I had a commitment to follow thru on so go I did. It went very well. In fact, one of the best I have ever done. The evidence that came thru was excellent.

I woke up feeling crap today too. I went for my swim, came home and went back to bed. I have felt better since.

Luque has settled well. He has a lovely temperament, sweet and cuddly. The boys usually are like this.

Ebay Destash

I am selling off my a lot of stash of mags, needles and yarn(not all!) on Ebay. Just the first 7 issues of Simply Knitting on there for now, but keep checking.

My Ebay handle is : carlypersian

The URL of the first mag is HERE:

On the Ebay page, click on 'view sellers other items' and you will see more.

Good and Bad

Sometimes making the right decision does not feel good. I have let Micah go. He has been donated to the Hearing Dogs Charity. It is the right move for him, for me, and for them. It has been bubbling in my brain for some time but I have avoided it because I am very fond of him. Now it is done and I feel sad.

However, I feel good about this, even though it has it's bad side: I now own Whitney's father, Luque. This is very good for me. he is black and white, I love the colour, and very good quality plus a good sire. The bad side is that my dear friend Linda has had to give him up because of her health issues. I am so gratfeul that I have him but sad for her too.

Luque has a RCC, his Stud book number, and is qualified for Cruft's for life.

NEW BOOTS

Doc Martens above, Kickers below. I think I am done now. Enough variety for my various show outfits and going out. Some were Ebay bargains, others online stores.

Silk Underwear

It is going well here. My symptoms have calmed down. My hands are back to working properly. Only my hips are nagging.

The weather has turned out nice. Sunny and warmish during the day but cold at night. Better than the summer we did not have.

I have the urge to machine knit and have swatched up for a cashmere in a nice brown for myself. It'll just be plain, set in sleeves. Maybe raglan.

The magazines are all sorted and I am going to put some up on Ebay to see what happens. Simply Knitting issue 1 to 7. I have up to 40 odd I think. I also have loads of Knitters and Interweave Knits, and machine knitting magazines too. I have yet to sort out the needles.

I am going to have some news on the dog front but am going to leave writing about it until it's done and settled.

I bought some silk long john's and a silk long sleeved vest. When they arrived and I saw how thin they were (you can see though them), I was not pleased. I thought they were far too thin to keep me warm. Wrong! They really work and keep me warm and are so much better to wear under my clothes, bed or day, as they do not add bulk. I am impressed. I bought another set but this time in medium. The set I have are large. I forgot about the weight loss!

The tv we had started to die. When it was turned on, the picture down one side was black and wavy and the it took time to fill the screen and then took time to come into focus. It was only 4.5 years old.

Well, it was a good enough reason to go buy one of these LCD jobs which I did. I bought a Panasonic 32", resisting the urge to go bigger than we had. Just as well because this tv is just the right size for our room and the space it fits in. The screen is an actual 32" whereas the previous tv was only 29" even tho described as a 32". Something to do with the way the tubes are calculated.

The picture on both satellite and dvd are excellent. When finances allow, I want a Blu-Ray player. I saw this in the shop. The picture is amazing. In the scene I saw a man walks thru a doorway to outside and it was so clear it was as if I was going thru it with him.

Even though I have yet to complete it, and to actually sell stuff, I am feeling good about beginning to sort and de-stash.

I have been a bit too extravagant recently with regard shoe buying. It has stopped. I have loads now in quite a colour range to suit my clothing and my mood. They will last me forever. I rather fancy being an 80 yr old in scarlet patent leather Docs.

Oh and the washer dryer is on it's last legs too....

WTF?

We took Tabitha and Whitney with us.














Today we went to visit friends, one of whom is in the advanced stages of Motor Neurone Disease. I was very pleased to see that he was not as ill looking as I expected.

I had a brief talk with his wife about how most people have abandoned them. She was especially unsettled and confused that the people from church were the first to abandon them.

My response was that people are afraid and they especially fear what is happening to this couple and that their spiritual beliefs did not make them immune, particularly when those beliefs have not involved personal inner change. Meaning they talk the talk but cannot walk the walk.

Terribly sad but my two friends are growing daily thru this. I am not one of those that think this was their destinty, that this was meant to be. No. We have bodies and as such are frail and what happens, happens. It is what we choose to do with what happens and how we learn from it that counts. I do not bleieve they are learning lessons 'prescribed for them in some cosmic plan'. Not at all. I think those beliefs, along with 'it's God's Will' are borne of fear not rational thinking. I wonder if they ever stop to think about the sort of God that would cause such pain and suffering. I don't believe such a God exists.

Now to the title of this entry: WTF? Last night I had a night terror. Not had one for ages. I was almost out of bed, screaming but still asleep. John soothed me awake. I didn't recall it until later today when I asked him if this had happened. It had. I do not recall the events of the dream either, I just know I was terrified.

With the lack of good sleep recently, the not so smooth mood, and now this, I am wondering if anything is bubbling up in me. I truly hope not. Surely I emptied it all out already? Perhaps it's just what I wrote about the other day - life is very good and I am not used to that and it makes me fearful. Just did a google search and it said this: In addition to night terrors, some adult night terror sufferers have many of the characteristics of abused and depressed individuals including inhibition of aggression,^[2] self-directed anger,^[2] passivity,^[3] anxiety, impaired memory,^[4], and the ability to ignore pain.^[5].

Well, I am not depressed, nor am I passive any longer. My memory is crap and I survive by ignoring pain!

The second WTF? is that my hands have decided to pack up. They hurt liek hell, I have taken a full does of drugs, and have had to stop knititng. I only do that when I truly just can't keep going.

Typing invloves different movements and different pains.

This blog has turned out to be much much more than I ever would have thought and I am sure iut is stillmore than I can think of. When I started it, I didn';t really know what it was for other than to show off my dogs and knititng. then i strarted to write aboutmy history and my daily happeneigs. this had many effects. It gave me the oulet i needed to tell my story. To be heard. to have witnesses. It helped others in the process. It also serves as a record for me to see my progress on an emtional/ spiritual level and as a record of my physical health. The latter being quite important as I tend ot minimize and forget too. Having it written here helps me see the progression of it and helps me know what to tell my dr.

Cool? Fool!

Why are people so obsessed with being cool? They are adults now and yet still they are like school children in competing to be the coolest (grooviest, hippest, right on man, it's all the same crap.)

Have they not figured out that life is all about becoming yourself? It isn't about being cool. Or being so cool you come across as being a total w****r. Sorry Bono, who probably isn't but seem ludicrous to me in his attempts be so cool. Samuel Jackson is a nice guy but that oh so cool hat is silly. (yes I know, people I am certain think they way I dress is silly - odd coloured Dr Martens? - but I am not trying to be cool. To me, cool is just another way of conforming. Of being a sheep. Oh how I wish I had not wasted so much time wishing I fit in! Baa Baa. How I wish I knew what I had been taught was a lie many years ago instead of only 10mths ago. But I digress.

What brought this on? Watching a very long program about the worst pop songs ever, many of which I really liked! Songs slagged off by the same types as did at school-those who wanted to appear cool and therefore couldn't possibly like said song cos they wewre into 'rock, man' or 'punk' or 'rap, man'. Now these people flock to see Mama Mia and hear the songs they trashed!

The people I admire are those who live well despite adversity. Those people who are themselves despite odds. People like ...well...they aren't famous so what is the point of naming those I admire? It includes those who refused to take the bus and sit at the back. Those men who said 'enough is enough' at stonewall. Those men and women who risked all to help a desperate pregant woman. Those people who stand up to the book burners. Those people who say who they are and show who they are even though they know how much pain it will bring.

Now these people are not cool. They have substance. They mean it. They feel it. They live it. And the meek shall inherit the earth. I think I just figured out what that means. The use of meek here obviously does not mean the shy and timid! NO! It means those who truly follow their conscince of its own sake and not for the approval of others, including whatever God they believe in. The minute you hear someone say they 'work for God' you know damn well they don't! (unless you aint figured that one out yet!)

Probably one of the saddest, most self centred, ifnorant of self people I have ever heard talk was a woman who worked with people in dire circumstances in foreign lands. At first one wouldhtink 'waht a selfless compassionate person. Until that is you here her reason for doing so. When asked her reply was 'for Jesus'. So she didn't give a toss about htese people. she wans't there to aleviate the hell they lived in. No. She was there to appease her 'god' so that she may be spared. Many people in the so called 'caring' proffessions are in the professions for the primary reason of saving themselves. They think by doing good, they will feel good about themselves and if they believe in a punative, frightening God, to appease it. It has little to do with compassion for others. It is very sad that they have been corrupted so. they have been so led to think so little of htmselves they now think the only way to save themsleves and be a good person is to do good. But doing good in order to be rewarded is not doing good! And eventually it shows. 'You should be grateful after all I have done for you!' 'Why has this happened to me? After all I have done....?' 'Why am I sick and dying, wasn't I good enough?' (didn't someone, somewhere, say that it wasn't by good works....?)

How terribly terribly sad.

Tesco Is Still Standing

I surprised myself this evening. I remained ever so calm. I just quietly made my point to the manager, continued to shop and left.

What is the big deal?

Well, when we arrived, there were do handicapped bays free. None at all. No spaces at all in fact. Most were taken by non handicapped people. So I parked my park in an indistinct bay close to the main entrance.

I am wheeling myself around, doing my shopping, when I hear my car registration number called out over the tannoy and asking me to move it. Well, I went about my shopping and then i called to a member of staff and asked them if they would be ever so kind and get me the manager, please?

Manager duly arrived. I said to him that if they had the wit to call out my registration number over the tannoy as I had parked where they wished me not to, why did they not have the wit to do the same for those able bodied *&^%$£^&* who take up our spaces?

Flummoxed was he? You bet! I however, remained calm and smiling, thanked him for his time and continued with my shopping. John and I got back to the car when it was convenient for us to do so.

P:S: shredded and dumped more stuff, including years old credit cards and bills and stuff. Load of mags piled up. Still much more to do. It may take longer than I thouhgt, perhaps until I am 60, 10.25 yrs from now.

CALM DOWN!!!!

I have had several emails form people concerned that I am giving up knitting.

I AM NOT GIVING UP KNITTING!!!!!

All I am doing is de-hoarding. And facing facts.

I am NEVER going to get back into making a living from knitting on my machines. I am no longer physically capable. Even with a motor it takes me 3 days to make one sweater where I used to be able to make 2 a day and sew them up.

I am NEVER going to knit up all that I have in the way of yarn. The attic is full, one whole bedroom is full to bursting, the cupboard under the stairs is crammed full...you get the picture? I also have 16 knitting machines!

Just getting rid of all those videos cassettes yesterday has made me feel so much better. I have pout all my shoes away where the vids were, along with my jackets(I didn't know I had so many!)

I have only just begun. Mind you, at my spiritual meeting last night, I came over ill and racked with pain. Not only had I done too much on my own but forgot to drug up!

If you have been a long time follower here, you know that this time last year I hit the real deeply buried crap inside me. Over the next 5 months I cleared it all out. Ever since then, I have had a strong desire to clear my house out. I DO NOT NEED most of what i hoarded. I have kept all sorts of crap because I 'might need it'. Well, those 100's of tapes a dumped, I didn't even look to see what they were. They have been stashed for 10 years so they couldn't have been important. The urge to sit and play each one to see was there but common sense won.

I am doing a good thing. De cluttering, accepting I am now handicapped an unable to do as I did. Making room for John and myself and the dogs. To be blunt, it is dangerous for me to have to negotiate obstacles in my home! Plus, I just don't need to keep this stuff 'in case'. In case of what? That I have a miracle cure and start to sell a dozen sweaters a week? Nah....

I want it to be manageable. I want space. I want to stop feeling bad all the stuff. Lots of STUFF. Like it bred all it's on own! I don't need to hoard. I am doing fine. I can and will live without all this STUFF.

I shall stop in case I break out into happy song.......

I HAVE BEGUN

Hundreds of video cassettes went to the tip today. All my footwear is in cupboards or on a rack, not on the stairs. My kackets are all hung up in a wardrobe Inow have room in. Same with shirts and trousers.

Still loads to sort and dump or sell.

I WILL BE SELLING YARN, ADDI NEEDLES AND KNITTING MACHINES AND KNITITNG MAGAZINES. If you are interested please let me know. Be patient. This is going to take time. Much of it I can't do on my own and John is only here on the weekends.

I do have a PayPal account. Bear in mind that i live in ENGLAND which will make postage an issue for some. I will NOT be posting machines!

Dreaming

I am going thru a period of not sleeping well. I sleep but it seems I spend my night dreaming thus I don't feel rested when I awake.

Last night I dreamt that John and I were in San Francisco and an earthquake happened. I recall saying something like, 'typical, I finally pluck up the nerve to get on a plane and we arrive here in time for the earthquake!'.

I don't know what that they mean but the next dream is fairly easy to decipher I think. John and I have got in the car and I am reversing but I feel I have not got control of the car and i panic and yell at him to look behind the car to make sure all is clear because I am convinced I am going to crash. There was nothing to crash into behind me. (John doesn't drive btw and doesn't want to learn-in life not the dream.) I also was in control of the car even though I felt I wasn't.

I think this is is about how I have been feeling recently. I have been very happy. I have been managing my physical needs well which has included doing NOTHING the day after a dog show and taking plenty of drugs to manage the pain and thus only being wiped out for a day instead of three. I have been enjoying dressing up and choosing outfits and buying stuff to wear. I bought a fantastic blue frock coat which I got very cheap because it had a mended tear on the lapel. I stick my Lhasa Apso badge there. I have enjoyed the shows very much and have handled them much better than i thought I would when the day got longer. Because I have been winning well, I no longer get home mid afternoon but at 10pm at night. As I get up at 2am this is very Long day for me. With the drugs and my thinking, I cope well. Even so after last weeks show, I woke on Saturday morning unable to get out of bed. Being a Saturday, John was here so he got up and got my drugs and I took them and then waited for them to do their job.

Financially things are okay. Yes, I have bought quite a few items of clothing and pairs of Dr Martens and shoes recently. All for my dog show outfits. I have enjoyed it but gradually that voice has started and I have begun to feel guilty and afraid of enjoying life and wondering if I am entering a manic phase. (When my bi polar disorder was rampant, one of the things I did when high was to spend, spend, spend.) This has led to me feeling unsteady this week and under pressure.

Now that I am writing this down, I think I am just freaking somewhat because I am not used to having a happy life and a trouble free one and enjoyment without guilt. I worked hard to get here and I deserve what I have now. Yet that devil on my shoulder is not always easy to get rid of.

At the shows, I have become 'famous' all because of the way I dress, especially my colourful footwear. All sorts of people come up to me and speak to me. I am complimented a lot on my outfits. I enjoy it. I had no idea this would happen. Naive of me I know to think my dressing up in such a fashion would not cause a stir. However, I look smart and different and people enjoy eccentricity in others it seems. Yet there is a part of me that just wants to run away. A part of me that says ' WTF are you doing?' It reminds me of when I was in high school where the last thing I wanted was to be noticed. On a daily basis, I was spat on, kicked, pushed over, thumped, even burned once, called 'shit' and other names.

So I didn't want to be noticed. If I had known a few years ago I would be doing what I am doing now, I would not have believed it and I would have been terrified by thought of it.

Yet, I am not in high school anymore. What is happening now is vastly different. The comments made to me have all been complimentary. Complete strangers coming up to me and being nice and saying how much they like what I am wearing. I have only had two people say to my face anything negative which was they thought the way I dressed was distracting to the judge! Mind you, I have also been told the same about my walking stick, which if I didn't use it, I'd fall over. I don't know the motivation behind these comments but I am astute enough to know it isn't concern that the judge won't be able to judge my dog because he or she is blinded by my outfit!

Writing this blog is such a help to me. I awoke disturbed this morning as I have done the last few mornings. I did the dogs, got my coffee and came up here to do my banking, which I do daily, and read the emails. I then thought to write on my blog and here I am doing so and in the process have figured out what is bugging me.

Fear. Plain and simple. I am just not used to life being so good. I am not used to being so 'out there'. I do have the urge, when I am at the shows, to run away, or to change into somethingdull and scruffy and to blend away into nothing. Not always. Just sometimes. I won't do it of course. I can't now imagine going to a show and not being dressed up for it. After all it is a SHOW.

I enjoy dressing up so much. I know a lot of that is because of the weight loss, but it is also because it is who I am. I had a brief go at this when in my late teens, and slim, but it caused so much rage in my family I quit. I like to smart and colourful.

The colourful part really surprises me. I used to be pretty much a black/brown/grey person. Not anymore! I wear pink boots for goodness sake! Waistcoats plastered with a riot of colour. Primary colours galore. It's fun. It makes me feel alive. And it brings positive energy toward me from others and not the mean spirited crap I used to get.

Discovering myself is really quite exciting.

I HAVE BEGUN

Hundreds of video cassettes went to the tip today. All my footwear is in cupboards or on a rack, not on the stairs. My jackets are all hung up in a wardrobe I now have room in. Same with shirts and trousers.

Still loads to sort and dump or sell.

I WILL BE SELLING YARN, ADDI NEEDLES AND KNITTING MACHINES AND KNITITNG MAGAZINES. If you are interested please let me know. Be patient. This is going to take time. Much of it I can't do on my own and John is only here on the weekends.

I do have a PayPal account. Bear in mind that i live in ENGLAND which will make postage an issue for some. I will NOT be posting machines!

I HAVE BEGUN

Hundreds of video cassettes went to the tip today. All my footwear is in cupboards or on a rack, not on the stairs. My kackets are all hung up in a wardrobe Inow have room in. Same with shirts and trousers.

Still loads to sort and dump or sell.

I WILL BE SELLING YARN, ADDI NEEDLES AND KNITTING MACHINES AND KNITITNG MAGAZINES. If you are interested please let me know. Be patient. This is going to take time. Much of it I can't do on my own and John is only here on the weekends.

I do have a PayPal account. Bear in mind that i live in ENGLAND which will make postage an issue for some. I will NOT be posting machines!

Dapper Dan's

The Yarn is Paton's Kroy, in the Paintbox colourway. It says it's a 4ply sock yarn yet it only has 187m per 50gm compared to the usual 210m. It is 75% wool 25% nylon. I used a simple garter rib with a 5 stitch repeat, and my Andersson Heel Mach 2. I knitted them with KnitPicks 2.25cm circular needles, using the Magic Loop method. Both knitted simultaneously on their own needles. Knitted toe up and finished with the EZ cast off. The yarn was a kindly gift from a Canadian named Kris.
I am particularly pleased with the heel on this pair. It went smoothly and the rejoin after the heel turn was right first time.I much prefer this type of toe. I cast on 21 sts and increased to 35 on each needle head.

More Mud

Yesterday was Darlington Championship Show. Once again it was mud bath. The weather here has been atrocious. No summer and most days it has rained. Floods yet again for some poor people.

Anyway, Micah was second in his class of 13. Whitney was 1st of 13 and went on to get Best Puppy In Breed and then went to Group 4 in the Utility Puppy Group.

Taking Care

Up at 5am today. Have a dog show tomorrow. I shall bath the dogs, pack the car with Angela and then go my swim. I hope to be in bed and asleep by 6pm tonight and up at 2am tomorrow.

Our judge tomorrow is a new one and already controversial. Not approved by the Lhasa Apso Clubs, I am told, but passed by the Kennel Club anyway. I entered cos one has no way of knowing what a judge is like unlike one does. Besides, it's fun.

I did something different after the last show and it worked out really well for me. I was exhausted when I got home at 9.30pm. I ate and went to bed and awoke at 7am the next morning. Being Monday I had to drive John to the station. I could barely move and could not straighten up. I did not force myself to do anything, did not go swimming. I kept my Dr's appointment but other than that did nothing else. I took my drugs, went to bed for a couple for a couple of hours. I got up, sat and watched tv, fed the dogs, watched more tv(dvd's actually) and then took more drugs and went to bed. I awoke fresh the next day, ready to swim and mobile.

In other words, I took care of myself properly. The difference it made was obvious.

Breaking Habits

It came to me the other day that I still have this sense of impending doom I carry with me. I still feel pretty much as I did when a child - always waiting for the pain. It always happened too. Everyday at school and whenever my father felt like it. At school it was punches and kicks and spit and name calling. My nickname was 'shit'. At home it was more of the same, no spit and no shit but useless, stupid, lazy, an embarrassment and fists.

As well as being taught to hate myself, I was also taught not to enjoy anything or love anything because I would suffer for it. My childhood experiences confirmed this teaching. It always ended in tears and loss. If circumstance didn't make it so, my parents made sure it did.

I thought about this as I know there is no need for me to still live my life in dread of tomorrow. Something had to be done. Experience has taught me that once I recognize a problem, the solution presents itself. Either a cure or a way to live with it.

I mentally ask for help and I meditate and sure enough I begin to feel relief from whatever the problem is or I see the solution. In this case, I have felt much lighter this last week. I actually feel happy. I am happy with my life and with myself. I can deal with whatever comes my way but for today I can ENJOY myself and what I have.

I deserve this. I nearly lost it all to get here and it was excruciating. Yet I am here, alive, and happy with who I am and with what I have. How lucky am I? Would I trade? No way. Do I wish to be young again? No way.

Not in a million years would I have believed that I would be who I am today. I would never have believed I could live with 24/7 physical pain. Believe me, it is far far easier to live with than emotional anguish. I think this is why I rarely feel sorry for myself on my bad days. I just remind myself how bad it used to be and then the pain I have doesn't seem so bad at all.

About the meditation: I am never certain if I meditate or nap. The other day I know I napped because I started the meditation at 11:55am and the next thing I knew it was 2:30pm. I think it is safe to say I went to sleep.

Oh, and I have started the clear out of my stuff. Not at all easy but it is under way. A pile of ill fitting clothing has gone and another pile hung up in wardrobes. I still haven't shifted coned yarn and machines but they will go and soon.

Comments

I welcome comments on this blog be they complimentary, in agreement or disagreement. I do not publish comments that contain ad hominem attacks on people, named or otherwise.

High IQ

According to testes I have an IQ of about 135.

Consider this:

I bought an Ipod. I put my whole record collection on it. I was driving with John and had the Ipod playing on 'random'. After it had played half a dozen songs I turned and said to John : 'I really like this new Ipod thing. So far I like every song it's played .'

The first time I saw 'made from recycled paper' on a pack of loo rolls, I was horrified and said I would never buy it. Something like a couple of years went by and I saw it again, and the penny dropped.

Our first Xmas together. Hate turkey so we had a pork joint. I was cooking. A friend said to cook it so many minutes per pound. It was a big joint and I knew it weighed more than 5lbs and the kitchen scales only weighed to 5lbs. So i called John to come and watch the scales carefully. 'I'll put the joint on and quickyly take it off and on again and you see how much more it goes up.' It took a while for me to know why he almost peed himself laughing.

edit: it is a typo and spellcheck didn't pick it up cos it is a word.

Degeneration

Been to the doctor today because over the last couple of months I have had new symptoms. My left arm and hand has been going numb or pins and needles whilst swimming. I assumed it had something to do with my spine and so ignored it.

However, more recently, the last month I guess, I have had an on/off burning patch on my left leg, especially if I put pressure on it. It is rather disconcerting and varies in intensity and is not constant in that it can be there all day and then not for a few days. I also get a very similar pain, rather weirdly I think, in my right hand little finger whenever I dry my hands with a towel.

Anyway, it seems these are all symptoms of the worsening degeneration of my spine. Elizabeth named the C this and L that that were responsible for the nerve pain.

I am a little disconcerted to note that I seem to be degenerating rather too fast for my liking. Nothing I can except live a day at a time and give it no thought apart from to take care of myself.

I know people far worse and hopefully I won't get that bad. I am lucky. Today I am not. Today is all I have to deal with.

Glorious Mud

Last weeks dog show was not good for me. Quite why I entered under this judge a second time I do not know. I did not do well. Micah was 5th and Whitney was thrown out with the rubbish. My friend Angie, with whom I travel to the shows, won Best Puppy in her breed and as this show held a Puppy Group we stayed for that and show won it! She then went on to win Reserve Best In Show. A huge deal for a Tibetan Spaniel to pull this off.

Yesterday we went to another show. Micah was third and Whitney won Best Puppy in Breed. Angie's Tibetan Spaniel also won Best Puppy in Breed. There was no Puppy Group though.

Weather was horrendous which made the day a challenge to say the least. The show is held in a country house park. It was a field of mud! Very difficult to navigate both on foot and in vehicles.

We managed to be packed up and ready to leave by 6pm, 11hours after we arrived. Two men pushed us out of the hole we were in and told me told me to wait for man to come and pull me off. As it turned out, we didn't need to.

As we were waiting for the man to come and pull me off, we watched another car drive along this grassy bit, picking up speed so that he hit the mud trench fast and he just kept going, the back of his car slewing all over the place. The men who had pushed us up to the grassy bit, told me to do exactly what that man had done. Get into first gear, put your foot down on the accelerator,don't let up and don't break no matter what, just keep going.

I held my breath and did exactly that. It was fun! Like a fair ground ride. My heart was pounding, my stomach dancing, yet I kept going as mud went everywhere, all over the car, and my rear was slewing every which way but I did as I was told and just kept going until we were up and out the other side onto wet but solid ground. Phew!

On the way home, both of us are very sore and tired but happy. Thank Goodness for Tramadol otherwise neither if us would have coped. We stopped for coffee at a service (sic) centre and this is where I had an almost serious accident.

I had been to the loo and then bought myself a coffee. I put my two canes in one hand and the coffee in the other. I noted 3 ladies in uniforms I had not seen before and the next thing I knew the coffee was all over the floor, in front of these ladies.

One of the ladies called to the young man who was serving to get iced water in a large bowl and she ordered me to sit down. I was nonplussed but did as I was told. I wondered what on earth she was doing. I wasn't exactly with it, disorientated. It took a while, it seemed, for the ice to arrive by which time she had got my fingerless glove off and I began to feel my hand burning.

What the woman had noticed was that I had dropped the coffee because I had scolded myself. I was disorientated so had not realised and the pain in my hand was not immediately apparent. anyway, I had to sit with my hand in this bucket of ice for 20 minutes by which time it started to hurt, differently to when it first went in. She told me I could take it out then. She asked me a few questions about my health and just suggested a rest a bit longer before continuing. It would seem she was medical professional of some sort. (oh and the uniforms were Polish Girl Scouts) This woman saved my hand from sever scalding. Had they not been there I would have got back to my car before I knew I had been burned and then would not have known what to do.

It was fantastic day all in all. We both really had fun, even before we knew we had won. One person bitched to me about the conditions and I just asked them if they would prefer to be in this mud or in a box?

Feet and Legs

These are my new Dr Martens 'Croc'.

These are the silk long johns I bought cos I am told they keep one really warm.

This is my yarn haul form our German trip. All came from Globus, bar two balls which are Regia. The Globus yarn cost less than £1 a 50gm ball and is excellent. My Tyrol socks were knitted using it.

God Is Watching Us

The local church need to be repainted and the work wasput out to tender. A man put in the cheapest bid and he won the contract.

It was much cheaper than all the other bids because he cheated. He thinned the paint.

He is working on the job when a thunder cloud develops and sends a bolt of lightening toward him which hit his ladder. The ladder fell and so did he.

As he lay there, thinking about how lucky he was to have lived, a thunderous voice spike to him from within the thunder cloud:

"REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

and:

"This year I'm voting Republican. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth."
-Monica Lewinsky

I UNDERSTAND HER COMPLETELY

LET HER GO NOW!

Rothenburg ob der Tauber 22Aug08

Keeping Up

SWIMMING

I discovered while away just how important the swimming is to my well being. My last swim was the Thursday before we left on the Sunday. By the Sunday evening I could barely move my neck and it hurt. Drugs took the pain away but not the stiffness. By the next day, my top half was barely mobile and John, a she had done the evening previously, had to help me dress an undress my top half. This stiffness remained with me until we returned and I started up my swimming again. I had to start off gently, only 40 laps the first day, none the next, 40 each of the next 2 days and rest 2 days and now back to daily 64 laps.

LIMITATION

I find the pain side of my problems fairly easy to deal with. I take drugs for the pain when it is too much.

What I dislike more than anything is not being able to do as I used to. I used to be able to machine knit a sweater and sew it up all in a day. Not any more. Not even with a motor on the machine.

I used to drive to my friend's in Denmark from my home, 800 plus miles, over night. No way could I do that now. I drove from Mannheim to Calais on the Sunday, heading home. It is 450 miles. I thought that would be okay. I had been sleeping very well and we had all day to do the journey, no need to hurry. We did the trip in about 10 hours, with plenty of rest stops. I was tired when we got to the hotel, which was normal. The next day though I was in much pain, which the drugs took care of, and weak. I was too weak to wheel myself around in my wheelchair. Now that pisses me off. I of course did push myself as much as I could as we spent much of the day in Cite Europe which has smooth floors. My arms though prevented me doing much and John had to push for much of the day. We returned to the hotel fairly early and I slept.
I am well aware I am lucky, my condition could be much worse but this fatigue thing is something I have yet to come to terms with. I still plan and do things forgetting that I won't be able to or that if I do I shall be really ill.

Dog shows take much planning and I need at least 48 hours to recover from one. I also need 48 hours to prepare for one as there is much driving involved and then there is the show itself. I manage them well and so far have not overdone things before a show thus preventing myself going.

The point is, one would think that pain would be the worst thing. It isn't. It is the fatigue because that puts limits on me in ways I do not like. And fatigue is not that easy to deal with because I don't always find it easy to tell if I am feeling lazy or am tired. Plus it prevents me from doing what I want and that is really annoying!

Strasbourg 20th August 2008

I met a delightful puppy.

I find the art work of the buildings amazing.

Integrity?

I am very annoyed and confused at all those people who are pissed off that Hilary Clinton did not get the democrat nomination and as a result will not vote for Obama but will vote Republican.

Have these people no integrity? Certainly they can't be democrats. It seems they were only voting for the one person, not their politics and beliefs.

Surely, you vote for the party that most represents your own views? One doesn't vote fpor the person!

If a gay man was nominated as the Republican candidate or as leader of the Conservatives(here in UK), I would still not vote for him!

Are these people morons? Are they really so dim and fickle?

God help us if because of these nincompoops we get more the same dangerous crap.

And, yes, I am in the UK and British but the President of the United States of America is a very serious issue for the whole world. Our world's survival depends upon who you elect. (It just occurred to me that maybe we should get to decide and get a vote!)

More Changes

When I wasn't in a manic phase, I was shy and I stuttered badly, especially when under stress. I ma not like this at all now. Not manic either. (I do miss manic phases but that can wait for another time to be written about.)

I surprise myself constantly. I love to dress up. I don't care what others think about how I dress. I dress the way I do because I like it. It did not occur to me that it would elicit such obvious responses from others. Mainly positive. I certainly get noticed although it had not occurred to me that it would make me noticeable.

Yesterday at the dog show, 3 people stopped me and asked if they could take a photo of me! I wore a Panama hat, a light beige jaket and light beige trousers. My wasitcaot was electric blue wtih wriggle sof primary colours in a vetical pattern, bow tiw to match. On my right foot was a Hot Pink Doc Marten and a brigth yellow one on my left foot. Who knew it would be so popluar.

I have had a couple of supposedly 'for your own good' remarks, about how I shouldn't dress like that because it would put the judge off. I have been told the same about using my walking sticks. I would fall over if I didn't. My response at the time was that the judge ought not be judging if they allow the handler to distract them from judging the dog. To satisfy myself that I was right I went and asked an all rounder judge(they judge many breeds) if the way a person dressed or the way they walked distracted them from their job. They were surprised at the question and made it clear that of course it did not!

I am constantly surprised and happy with who I am becoming and look forward to becoming more and more myself.

Changes

Unless one is survivor of abuse, it is very very difficult to appreciate just how it affects us. How pernicious and tendril like the affects are. It lasts a life time. It isn't something one 'gets over' or one can 'pull yourself together' about.

It takes time, much time, and it takes even more suffering. That is the real bummer about it. The recovery from it is so painful. Seems quite unjust but that is how it is and so one just has to get on with it. Not getting on with it is far worse.

I am constantly amazed by my journey, by my discoveries. I am affected, or have been, in ways I would not even have thought about. Oh, having OCD problems or addiction problems, or phobias etcetera are fairly obvious affects. It is the less obvious ones, those still there after one has dealt with the OCD, addictions and phobias. Those that hide themselves away in the corners from where they reek their havoc leaving one to suffer their affects but with no clue as to the cause.

Followers of my journey thru this blog will know that I had an emotional breakthrough in the autumn/winter of last year. I fell apart and got rid of grief I didn't know I was carrying and I learned even more about myself. Mainly that I was not treated badly because I was bad but because there was something wrong with those who treated me badly. It is obvious that this relisation and the expression of long held grief would have a good effect on me. Not so obvious on how it would.

Prior to this happening, whenever I went away I had problems. First, I would have a battle with myself about actually leaving my home to go away. I would balk at the last minute and have to be cajoled into leaving. Whilst away, I would not sleep at all well, lucky if I got 2 hours of disturbed sleep a night. I would also not be able to go to the toilet, thus getting backed up and suffering due to that. I still went away and I did many trips on my own. But they were very stressful. I put up with it and accepted I was that way.

Since my emotional clearout, I have not had these problems. I have been away 3 times. Each time I slept really well, 7-8hours of sound sleep. I have IBS and whilst that is not going to go away, it only alters a bit when I am away. I still evacuate daily, only with not much warning! Far better than being stopped up.

So this is a way that the abuse affected me that I would not have thought of and perhaps no one else has either. It seems clear to me that the way I was before-not sleeping and being very stressed and backed up, was a direct result of the abuse and the blocked up feelings about it.

Although not at all pleasant to deal with this stuff, when I am able to step back from it, and see it and the affects and changes and the victories, I find it amazing.