First Quarter Review:) Warning a LONG post!
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The above was taken a week ago - it represents the f...
5 years ago
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Aran
Sony Alpha 100 Digital SLR Camera
These pictures were all taken with a Sony Alpha 100 (DSLR) str8 out of the box. No fiddling, just took the pics to see how it did. No trouble focusing and good close ups. Apart from the garden shot, all were taken in dark room with a flash.The sweater is done on the Passap 6000 using OX/N. I love this stitch formation and it makes large size sweaters easily. The yarn is 2x 2/28's merino.
Close up of stitch formation.
This is Tilly the Miniature Longhaired Dax aged 4.5 years.
This is Nechung, a Lhasa Apso, aged 9 now and speyed and retired to our bed.
A quick shot of our back garden. Just after I took this the wind got up and the heavens opened. The weather man said it would be sunny and warm....
Monday, October 23, 2006
Hand Knit Socks and Passap Sweater
For a better of view of all pictures, click on the picture to see larger size.
Opal 75% wool and 25% silk yarn. Dutch heel used. 2mm for the ribbing and 2.25mm for the body. I really like the feel of this yarn. Wearing them now.
The yarn is 96% wool and 4% lycra. 2/24 used double. Made for a very heavy sweater! Almost 1kg(2.2lbs). I used N/N for hems. The main body uses tech 180 but with lock at set to FX and pushers in 1up 1 down formation.
This is the beckband on the FX sweater. I prefer the neckband on the sweater below. The sweater below was done using just one strand of same yarn and using a tuck stich pattern in the console.
Opal 75% wool and 25% silk yarn. Dutch heel used. 2mm for the ribbing and 2.25mm for the body. I really like the feel of this yarn. Wearing them now.
The yarn is 96% wool and 4% lycra. 2/24 used double. Made for a very heavy sweater! Almost 1kg(2.2lbs). I used N/N for hems. The main body uses tech 180 but with lock at set to FX and pushers in 1up 1 down formation.
This is the beckband on the FX sweater. I prefer the neckband on the sweater below. The sweater below was done using just one strand of same yarn and using a tuck stich pattern in the console.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Faux Pas
Many years ago, whilst doing a public talk, one of the people in the audience mentioned that she had trouble getting to sleep at night. She obvioulsy needed to relax.
(Bear in mind that I kept many cats, I bred exhibition Persians.)
My response to her was: 'When I go to bed, I find stroking my pussy very relaxing.'
I tried very hard to pretend that I had not said it. I could feel my face burning and my mouth desperately wanted to laugh. My discomfort only lasted a matter of seconds before the whole auditorium exploded with laughter.
Now here in the UK, it is very common for people to refer to their cats as 'pussy' or 'puss puss' so it was not unusual that I had. It was just the situation and the context that made it sound like it did.
I have a habit of saying things that aren't quite what I meant.
(Bear in mind that I kept many cats, I bred exhibition Persians.)
My response to her was: 'When I go to bed, I find stroking my pussy very relaxing.'
I tried very hard to pretend that I had not said it. I could feel my face burning and my mouth desperately wanted to laugh. My discomfort only lasted a matter of seconds before the whole auditorium exploded with laughter.
Now here in the UK, it is very common for people to refer to their cats as 'pussy' or 'puss puss' so it was not unusual that I had. It was just the situation and the context that made it sound like it did.
I have a habit of saying things that aren't quite what I meant.
Almost....
I have almost finished a pair of socks, the yak hair sweater and a merino /cashmere sweater. And I am on the back now of the aran, the front having been finished.
The yak-hair has the front and back and collar complete and half the first sleeve.
Really haven't had much time recently.
Went out to a craft fair today. Decided to make the effort. Got myself dressed nicely, had everything sorted, and arrived at the venue-only to find it was next weekend! And I can't go then as I have a dog show.
Still, at least I went! ;-)
There was a time all I needed to do was shave. Now I still shave but have to shave more than before. Ears and nose seem to sprout with age. Oh and eyebrows too, which Sue deals with when she cuts my hair.
I can't get thru the night without having to pee at least once and given my condition, that can be rather difficult at times. I often worry I'll get stuck on the way there or on the way back! Getting dressed can be so dangerous, I often don't bother. I wear a nightshirt-easy to deal with. I just get it over my head and it drops down and covers the bits it is meant to. Really makes sitting on the loo less of an ordeal. If I am dressed and need to sit on the loo, well, I have to make sure I give myself plenty of time to get the clothes down and to sit. That is the easy part. Getting up is more of a challenge. I pull myself up using the radiator and sink for balance. Clever huh? Well, the trouble is then my trousers are still down by my ankles. I can't bend to pull them up. So I sit back down, and using one hand on the radiator to steady me, I use the other to grab my trousers and pull them up, sort of, almost, after a fashion. Then I stand back up. Only I had to let go of my trousers in order to stand up, and try as I might to keep my legs wide apart so they do not fall back down, it doesn't work. So back to the floor they go. Eventually, I just yell to John.
Now of course, I spend most of time alone so what do i do? Hold it in for 5 days? Not exactly. Well, as mentioned before, I wear a night shirt. This makes life easy. I am also fairly predictable and want to go first thing after waking-after my coffee and fag and feeding the dogs-so not so much of a problem. Now if I know I am going to be away or out or something, and going would really be a problem, I take plenty of codiene. Codiene stops me up! See, an answer to everything. It was either stay in or buy some adult Pampers!
One of life's biggest fears for me is needing to poo when it is not convenient! When John is not there to make sure I can dress again. The good thing about codeine is that it works for as along as you take it and stops working within half a day of stopping. You just have to plan it well.
Bathing - well that is out of the question - unless John is here and even then I don't have a bath. I just get in and use the shower. If I should fall, well John is there to stop me. Getting in is not so much of a problem. Getting out is. So for 5 days a week, I use lots of eau de cologne......kidding-I make do with squishy things I can use standing up.
Life is never dull.
The yak-hair has the front and back and collar complete and half the first sleeve.
Really haven't had much time recently.
Went out to a craft fair today. Decided to make the effort. Got myself dressed nicely, had everything sorted, and arrived at the venue-only to find it was next weekend! And I can't go then as I have a dog show.
Still, at least I went! ;-)
There was a time all I needed to do was shave. Now I still shave but have to shave more than before. Ears and nose seem to sprout with age. Oh and eyebrows too, which Sue deals with when she cuts my hair.
I can't get thru the night without having to pee at least once and given my condition, that can be rather difficult at times. I often worry I'll get stuck on the way there or on the way back! Getting dressed can be so dangerous, I often don't bother. I wear a nightshirt-easy to deal with. I just get it over my head and it drops down and covers the bits it is meant to. Really makes sitting on the loo less of an ordeal. If I am dressed and need to sit on the loo, well, I have to make sure I give myself plenty of time to get the clothes down and to sit. That is the easy part. Getting up is more of a challenge. I pull myself up using the radiator and sink for balance. Clever huh? Well, the trouble is then my trousers are still down by my ankles. I can't bend to pull them up. So I sit back down, and using one hand on the radiator to steady me, I use the other to grab my trousers and pull them up, sort of, almost, after a fashion. Then I stand back up. Only I had to let go of my trousers in order to stand up, and try as I might to keep my legs wide apart so they do not fall back down, it doesn't work. So back to the floor they go. Eventually, I just yell to John.
Now of course, I spend most of time alone so what do i do? Hold it in for 5 days? Not exactly. Well, as mentioned before, I wear a night shirt. This makes life easy. I am also fairly predictable and want to go first thing after waking-after my coffee and fag and feeding the dogs-so not so much of a problem. Now if I know I am going to be away or out or something, and going would really be a problem, I take plenty of codiene. Codiene stops me up! See, an answer to everything. It was either stay in or buy some adult Pampers!
One of life's biggest fears for me is needing to poo when it is not convenient! When John is not there to make sure I can dress again. The good thing about codeine is that it works for as along as you take it and stops working within half a day of stopping. You just have to plan it well.
Bathing - well that is out of the question - unless John is here and even then I don't have a bath. I just get in and use the shower. If I should fall, well John is there to stop me. Getting in is not so much of a problem. Getting out is. So for 5 days a week, I use lots of eau de cologne......kidding-I make do with squishy things I can use standing up.
Life is never dull.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Finishing
Whether knit by hand or by machine, why would anyone spend time and effort knitting, and perhaps desigining, a garment only to fail at the finish line?
I really don't know.
I don't think it helps that publications show photographs of their designs that have been so poorly put together! In the knitting magazines I get, many of the garments look as if someone just cobbled the garment together at the last minute!
Shame on them for not caring enough about the design and the knitter and the customer. It seems to give the impression that we do not need to finish our garments well. After all, they are just homemade sweaters or whatever after all!
The finish of the garment makes all the difference!
I get so tired of hearing knitters, hand and machine, bemoan the fact they hate to finish. They hate to sew. So they find the quickest route-either joining on machine or using a sewing machine or overlocker(serger) or just doing a haphazard quick backsewing hand job! So their hard work in doing the knitting is let down by their sloppy, couldn't be bothered attitude to the finishing of it. Yes, it can take longer to finish a machine knit than it took to knit the pieces. So what? Don't you want it to look good?
Of course, when one looks in the shops, even the famous expensive boutiques, all one sees is badly put together clothing. So maybe we think it doesn't matter. IT DOES!!!
Our homemade clothing does not have to look like crap only to be worn under cover of darkness! Knitting is an ART FORM and we can do it justice by putting in the effort. Perhaps we just want things NOW and can't really be arsed to do the job properly.
Think about it-why spend a small fortune on the best quality yarns, the nicest patterns, or design our own, and then not give it our all?
Beats me!
I will write about actual finishing techniques when I can be bothered! ;-)
I really don't know.
I don't think it helps that publications show photographs of their designs that have been so poorly put together! In the knitting magazines I get, many of the garments look as if someone just cobbled the garment together at the last minute!
Shame on them for not caring enough about the design and the knitter and the customer. It seems to give the impression that we do not need to finish our garments well. After all, they are just homemade sweaters or whatever after all!
The finish of the garment makes all the difference!
I get so tired of hearing knitters, hand and machine, bemoan the fact they hate to finish. They hate to sew. So they find the quickest route-either joining on machine or using a sewing machine or overlocker(serger) or just doing a haphazard quick backsewing hand job! So their hard work in doing the knitting is let down by their sloppy, couldn't be bothered attitude to the finishing of it. Yes, it can take longer to finish a machine knit than it took to knit the pieces. So what? Don't you want it to look good?
Of course, when one looks in the shops, even the famous expensive boutiques, all one sees is badly put together clothing. So maybe we think it doesn't matter. IT DOES!!!
Our homemade clothing does not have to look like crap only to be worn under cover of darkness! Knitting is an ART FORM and we can do it justice by putting in the effort. Perhaps we just want things NOW and can't really be arsed to do the job properly.
Think about it-why spend a small fortune on the best quality yarns, the nicest patterns, or design our own, and then not give it our all?
Beats me!
I will write about actual finishing techniques when I can be bothered! ;-)
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Grooming
It has been 7.5 weeks since I returned home from our trip to find my home and dogs in a mess and discovered that the person whom I considered my closest friend was far from a friend. In fact not even a good person.
I wish I could say I am over it. I am not. I am still very angry. Not hurt anymore. I didn't lose anything. I didn't have what I thought I had at all.
I realise now that I was 'groomed' by this person over a long period of time. Groomed. Just like the peado teacher when I was a child. And that wasn't the only time. I was young and vulnerable and therefore an obvious target for such people to groom.
Trouble is, I was 46 when this person set their sight upon me. You'd think I would have recongnized it. I didn't. Not for an instant did I even suspect anything untoward was happening.
We met at a group I used to attend. We all had similar experiences and we talked about that and how we dealt with it today. I used to enjoy going and looked forward to it, especially after I had become close with this woman.
Through the talking at this group, this person would have known exactly what my vulnerabilities were. Which buttons to press and which buttons not to press. She was very good. She was patient. It took months of work on her part before I let her into my life. She made all the effort. She always greeted me with a smile and something nice to say. Didn't fawn or go over the top. She was careful.
Throughtout our 'relationship' I felt I had the sister I had always wanted. I felt completely at ease with her. She told me her 'secrets, and eventually I told her mine. I doubt hers were true.
There was never any friction between us. She was always smiles and compliments and when she started to 'care' for me she seemed to intuitivley know what I would need and when to leave me be. Of course, I started to pay her to do the things I can't do for myself. Once a week or so we went out for day. I really enjoyed that. She would manouver my wheelchair and was good at it. Never made me feel a burden. She was very good at caring and fun and I loved her.
I didn't know she was a consumate lier.
Well if you have been following this, you will know that I returned from my holiday early and caught her out. She was not what she had seemed at all. Far, far from it. She didn't give a flying f**k about me. She cared about money and about her image as a kind, caring person in the eyes of others(who I found out were under the impression she did all she did for me for free.) I am not the only one she 'cared' for either and got paid for it. I assume she still does.
It is so obvious I was groomed. I am shocked that I fell for it. I really didn't see it coming. Not at all. I am now almost 48 and it seems still a sucker. It really pisses me off. Big time.
Apart from going to the dog shows, I have been pretty isolated Monday to Friday when John is not here. He hasn't been here for 10 days and I won't see him until this Friday now. Work's been busy. It's good for him though. He has been to premiers and dinners and tonight he gets to meet a load of really famous people. Anyway, I digress.
The isolation is me. I just don't feel I want to be 'out there' and I certainly don't want much to do with people right now. Some people have shown kindnesses and done odd things and I thank them but keep them at a distance. How the hell do I know who I can trust? My 'intuition' was good, I thought. I have avoided people and places, rightly so, because my gut told me to be careful. And yet I did not see this coming at all.
I don't go to my group anymore either. I miss it but I would never feel able to talk there again. Or anywhere for that matter. Particularly there tho. In this last 7.5 weeks not one person has telephoned to ask why I am not there or how I am. I know at least a few know what has happened. So much for caring.
I know given time, the anger will go. I know I will recover from the emotional turmoil. I know enough and have experienced enough to know that this will pass. However, I cannot imagine ever trusting again. I went to visit a dog person a few days ago. It was nice. I found myself feeling comfortable with them and enjoying myself. I left because it frightened me and all the 3 hour drive home, I wondered if I could trust this person.
It boils down to me trusting me and I don't see how I can do that. I let myself down very badly.
I can't trust myself to protect myself. I can't trust myself to see wolves in sheeps clothing. I can't trust myself to see through the bullshit.
I grew up knowing I couldn't trust the adults around me. Yet it didn't stop me trusting others when I got away and was older. And yes, I made mistakes and put my trust in those I should hot have. None of them were like this one tho. Besides, I was pretty screwy back then. I didn't know myself and didn't understand anything and had not even begun to reover form the abuse of childhood. Now at 48, well and functioning, it seems I still cannot trust myself to not put myself in harms way.
I don't know how this will pan out. No man is an island. I know that. I also know I cannot see how I can form relationships with people now without always being on my gaurd and wondering if they are genuine or out for themselves.
On the positive side, I have not taken myself to bed and stayed there in a fit of self pity. I have got on and done what I can. I have attended my shows. I have fulfilled my responsibilities re the dogs and am still finding great joy with them. I am knitting, mainly by hand, tho not much. My creative juice seems to be on dribble right now. I am reading and watching stuff I enjoy. I am not a wreck. I am still grateful for what I have got, still aware of how fortunate I am. But i am still angry and wondering how I will deal with this trust issue.
Over and out.
I wish I could say I am over it. I am not. I am still very angry. Not hurt anymore. I didn't lose anything. I didn't have what I thought I had at all.
I realise now that I was 'groomed' by this person over a long period of time. Groomed. Just like the peado teacher when I was a child. And that wasn't the only time. I was young and vulnerable and therefore an obvious target for such people to groom.
Trouble is, I was 46 when this person set their sight upon me. You'd think I would have recongnized it. I didn't. Not for an instant did I even suspect anything untoward was happening.
We met at a group I used to attend. We all had similar experiences and we talked about that and how we dealt with it today. I used to enjoy going and looked forward to it, especially after I had become close with this woman.
Through the talking at this group, this person would have known exactly what my vulnerabilities were. Which buttons to press and which buttons not to press. She was very good. She was patient. It took months of work on her part before I let her into my life. She made all the effort. She always greeted me with a smile and something nice to say. Didn't fawn or go over the top. She was careful.
Throughtout our 'relationship' I felt I had the sister I had always wanted. I felt completely at ease with her. She told me her 'secrets, and eventually I told her mine. I doubt hers were true.
There was never any friction between us. She was always smiles and compliments and when she started to 'care' for me she seemed to intuitivley know what I would need and when to leave me be. Of course, I started to pay her to do the things I can't do for myself. Once a week or so we went out for day. I really enjoyed that. She would manouver my wheelchair and was good at it. Never made me feel a burden. She was very good at caring and fun and I loved her.
I didn't know she was a consumate lier.
Well if you have been following this, you will know that I returned from my holiday early and caught her out. She was not what she had seemed at all. Far, far from it. She didn't give a flying f**k about me. She cared about money and about her image as a kind, caring person in the eyes of others(who I found out were under the impression she did all she did for me for free.) I am not the only one she 'cared' for either and got paid for it. I assume she still does.
It is so obvious I was groomed. I am shocked that I fell for it. I really didn't see it coming. Not at all. I am now almost 48 and it seems still a sucker. It really pisses me off. Big time.
Apart from going to the dog shows, I have been pretty isolated Monday to Friday when John is not here. He hasn't been here for 10 days and I won't see him until this Friday now. Work's been busy. It's good for him though. He has been to premiers and dinners and tonight he gets to meet a load of really famous people. Anyway, I digress.
The isolation is me. I just don't feel I want to be 'out there' and I certainly don't want much to do with people right now. Some people have shown kindnesses and done odd things and I thank them but keep them at a distance. How the hell do I know who I can trust? My 'intuition' was good, I thought. I have avoided people and places, rightly so, because my gut told me to be careful. And yet I did not see this coming at all.
I don't go to my group anymore either. I miss it but I would never feel able to talk there again. Or anywhere for that matter. Particularly there tho. In this last 7.5 weeks not one person has telephoned to ask why I am not there or how I am. I know at least a few know what has happened. So much for caring.
I know given time, the anger will go. I know I will recover from the emotional turmoil. I know enough and have experienced enough to know that this will pass. However, I cannot imagine ever trusting again. I went to visit a dog person a few days ago. It was nice. I found myself feeling comfortable with them and enjoying myself. I left because it frightened me and all the 3 hour drive home, I wondered if I could trust this person.
It boils down to me trusting me and I don't see how I can do that. I let myself down very badly.
I can't trust myself to protect myself. I can't trust myself to see wolves in sheeps clothing. I can't trust myself to see through the bullshit.
I grew up knowing I couldn't trust the adults around me. Yet it didn't stop me trusting others when I got away and was older. And yes, I made mistakes and put my trust in those I should hot have. None of them were like this one tho. Besides, I was pretty screwy back then. I didn't know myself and didn't understand anything and had not even begun to reover form the abuse of childhood. Now at 48, well and functioning, it seems I still cannot trust myself to not put myself in harms way.
I don't know how this will pan out. No man is an island. I know that. I also know I cannot see how I can form relationships with people now without always being on my gaurd and wondering if they are genuine or out for themselves.
On the positive side, I have not taken myself to bed and stayed there in a fit of self pity. I have got on and done what I can. I have attended my shows. I have fulfilled my responsibilities re the dogs and am still finding great joy with them. I am knitting, mainly by hand, tho not much. My creative juice seems to be on dribble right now. I am reading and watching stuff I enjoy. I am not a wreck. I am still grateful for what I have got, still aware of how fortunate I am. But i am still angry and wondering how I will deal with this trust issue.
Over and out.
20 Days
These are Tilly's puppies, now 20 days old and doing well. The boy is 616gms(22ozs) and the girl is now 504gms(18ozs). I am very surprised the girl has made it and I see no reason now why she shouldn't continue to grow and do well. I won't feel we are out of the woods though until she is weaned. I am pleased to say she appears normal in every way. She only has a bottle a couple of times a day now.
Here is the girl, lying on a yak hair swatch!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Schematic
This shows the set in sleeve head I do. Good fit. Some call it a 'semi raglan' but to me it is more like a set in in fit and look. The figures represent sts and rows. Click on picture to see much larger view.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
KIP Proof
Just to prove that I do knit in public. No idea who took the photo but it appeared in my inbox today.
Not knitting, but this is me in the left corner, at the 50th Anniversary show of The Lhasa Apso Club yesterday, 8th October.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Update
This little girl is a stubborn little thing. She is 10 days old at 7am Saturday morning and now weighs in at 8.8 ozs. She ought to have died. She took the bottle twice today but none at all on Wednesday or Thursday. I keep expecting her to wither away but she isn't doing that. I still can't say she will make it because I just don't know. I have never had a puppy do this before. They have either died within a couple of days or they take the bottle and soon catch up. Or they have had something obvious wrong with them. This girl has nothing obvious wrong, is gaining but very slowly, and is strong.
Fingers crossed.
Fingers crossed.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
One Week
The pups are one week old today.
The girl is now holding her own. She was weighed this morning and had gained weight overnight.
I have a major Championship show tomorrow with Moon. Have yet to decide if we are going. John has the day off to stay with the dogs but if the pup needs feeding I need to be here.
I will make up my mind this evening.
The girl is now holding her own. She was weighed this morning and had gained weight overnight.
I have a major Championship show tomorrow with Moon. Have yet to decide if we are going. John has the day off to stay with the dogs but if the pup needs feeding I need to be here.
I will make up my mind this evening.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Six Days
The pups are 6 days old. The girl is doing better now and weighs 7.4 ozs. You can see how much bigger the boy is. She has taken the bottle twice today. Fingers crossed.
Not well focused but this is for Carole who asked to see one before their eyes open.
Gaining
The little girl took another feed tonight, just as I am off to bed. She had maintained her weight since the morning feed. This feed was 13 hours after that one so she is doing fine. I think the formula has given her the strength to do the work on Mum's tits. Also, I think I happened to get her when she was hungry. Will see how she is when I wake up.
In case anyone should need to know this at some point: I feed 1 ml of formula per one ounce of body weight. So a 7 oz puppy gets 7mls per feed.(obviously the amount of formula goes up as the puppy gains weight). The feeds are every two hours for the first week, 24/7, then every 3-4 hours for the next week, and they can go 6 hours at night without a feed during this second week. Once the eyes are open they get small amounts of meat which has been blended in a blender with formula. I stop bottle feeding by 4 weeks.
Oh and most importantly, use a human newborn baby bottle and teat. The ones they make for puppies are crap-they are too fast, too soft and kill puppies because the formula gets into their lungs.
I raised whole litter of 4 pups this way and they all gained weight as if they were being fed by Mum, who in this case had no milk at all for them.
The formula I use is made by ROYAL CANIN and is excellent.
In case anyone should need to know this at some point: I feed 1 ml of formula per one ounce of body weight. So a 7 oz puppy gets 7mls per feed.(obviously the amount of formula goes up as the puppy gains weight). The feeds are every two hours for the first week, 24/7, then every 3-4 hours for the next week, and they can go 6 hours at night without a feed during this second week. Once the eyes are open they get small amounts of meat which has been blended in a blender with formula. I stop bottle feeding by 4 weeks.
Oh and most importantly, use a human newborn baby bottle and teat. The ones they make for puppies are crap-they are too fast, too soft and kill puppies because the formula gets into their lungs.
I raised whole litter of 4 pups this way and they all gained weight as if they were being fed by Mum, who in this case had no milk at all for them.
The formula I use is made by ROYAL CANIN and is excellent.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Dax Puppy
The little girl puppy lost weight from 8 ozs to 6.3 ozs the first 24 hrs. I wasn't too concerned but when she didn't gain the next 24 hrs, I started to worry. I made up formula(Royal Canin-excellent stuff) and she refused it. Put up quite a struggle. Finally today , day 5, she looked like she wouldn't make it. Obvioulsy dehydrated. Again refused the formula. Then i tried again at 10.30 am and this time she drained the bottle in seconds. Now she weighs 7ozs(198 gms) 9 hours later. So the formula gave her the strength she needed to get the milk from her mum. It takes a lot of work on the part of pups to get the milk bar going. They have to kneed with their front paws and suck hard and bob their heads back and forth. All takes energy. Not out of the woods yet, but I feel more confident she will make it now. I have tried feeding her a few more times and she refused. When she says no she means it. You wouldn't believe how strong these tiny creatures are.
When I Die.....
...I want to have answers to many burning questions. Like why is the Universe here? What is it about? Why are we here? For what purpose? All the usual questions. But most of all, I want to know why birds choose to walk across the road in front of my car when they can f***ing fly.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Aran/Yak
This is the Yak hair sweater, incomplete, knitted at tension 8 on the Garter Carriage. 2 x 2/15's weight yarn. The pattern detail is a little blurred. I really do want an SLR Digital Camera as I find the ordinary ones to be not that good.
This is my final design, having frogged several other designs. It's pure wool knitted on 3.75 Addi circulars. Have yet to decide on sleeve type, but thinkI will go for a dropped one with a saddle.
This is my final design, having frogged several other designs. It's pure wool knitted on 3.75 Addi circulars. Have yet to decide on sleeve type, but thinkI will go for a dropped one with a saddle.
Tilly
Tuesday night, Tilly started to really scratch up. About 3am Wednesday morning, she started to have visible contractions. They took a long time to get frequent and I was getting more and more nervous. Finally, they came fast and hard - but no puppy. So at 7am off we went to the vet. By the time we got there, she had delivered the first puppy- an 8.5 oz female. So back home and she started hard and fast again but by 9am we were back at the vet as her discharge had become green which meant the placenta had separated. This time she stayed to have a ceaser whilst I went home to bed as by this time I could neither talk properly nor walk properly. I went back for her at 3.3opm. Sh did not have a ceaser after all, they managed to deliver the 9oz boy after all.
The size of these puppies is too big for Tilly. Normally mini Dax are 5-6 oz with 7oz being big.
Tilly was excellent and she really tried hard. She stood on her hind legs and used the top edge of the whelping box to place her front end over whilst she bore down.
Tilly will never have puppies again. She will be speyed and live out her life as matriarch. Such a shame as she adores puppies.
The boy and girl are doing fine as I write. Tilly is happy and eating well.
The size of these puppies is too big for Tilly. Normally mini Dax are 5-6 oz with 7oz being big.
Tilly was excellent and she really tried hard. She stood on her hind legs and used the top edge of the whelping box to place her front end over whilst she bore down.
Tilly will never have puppies again. She will be speyed and live out her life as matriarch. Such a shame as she adores puppies.
The boy and girl are doing fine as I write. Tilly is happy and eating well.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Micah's Lost It
Micah lost his virginity today. He mated Finty. I think he got a bit of a shock when they became 'stuck' together! Thankfully it only lasted about 5mins. Sometimes it can last very much longer than that. Of course, I had to hold Finty still as she wanted to get away, even though it is the bitch who causes the tie by her vagina clamping tight on the penis. They both settled down and were calm. Poor Micah's back feet were off the ground though as Finty is a bit taller!
If all goes well, pups will be due around 26th Novemeber.
Oh and Tilly is getting very close to delivering her pups-possibly tonight.
If all goes well, pups will be due around 26th Novemeber.
Oh and Tilly is getting very close to delivering her pups-possibly tonight.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Mum's Inquest
Thursday night I awoke and had the urge to go on the PC. I did a search for my mother's name and came up with new information about her death. I had found out she had died when I felt the same urge last July.
It would seem her death was the result of medical negligence, though of course no one is going to be charged in connection.
According to the inquest held on May 12th, 2006, my mother had been constipated and a doctor prescribed for her over the phone. At some point later, she went to the A&E department and was discharged. Still later, she was rushed in as an emergency and died on the operating table. She died from a perforated colon which had caused septic shock. She died on April 2nd 2004, just 3 weeks before her 70th birthday.
Last July, when I found out she had died, I was shocked. I greived for what we never had. All the negative feelings thoughts of my mother used to bring, disipated. I know she understands now. It also helped me finally close the door. Realising just how wicked the rest of my family are really helped. The fact that no one bothered to inform me of my own mother's death told me all I needed to know.
It has been freeing for me. I can now think of my mother with compassion, knowing the past is done and dealt with. It saddens me that her passing was not clean or pain free. I would not wish such a death on anyone.
I think she is now at peace. I can see her life was a sad and painful one. One day I will meet her again and this time I will greet her as my Mother and she will greet me as her son. The reality of our life here will not matter anymore. No that is not to deny what happend, just to let go of it and see the fragile, confused and pain ridden human being who did what she did.
It would seem her death was the result of medical negligence, though of course no one is going to be charged in connection.
According to the inquest held on May 12th, 2006, my mother had been constipated and a doctor prescribed for her over the phone. At some point later, she went to the A&E department and was discharged. Still later, she was rushed in as an emergency and died on the operating table. She died from a perforated colon which had caused septic shock. She died on April 2nd 2004, just 3 weeks before her 70th birthday.
Last July, when I found out she had died, I was shocked. I greived for what we never had. All the negative feelings thoughts of my mother used to bring, disipated. I know she understands now. It also helped me finally close the door. Realising just how wicked the rest of my family are really helped. The fact that no one bothered to inform me of my own mother's death told me all I needed to know.
It has been freeing for me. I can now think of my mother with compassion, knowing the past is done and dealt with. It saddens me that her passing was not clean or pain free. I would not wish such a death on anyone.
I think she is now at peace. I can see her life was a sad and painful one. One day I will meet her again and this time I will greet her as my Mother and she will greet me as her son. The reality of our life here will not matter anymore. No that is not to deny what happend, just to let go of it and see the fragile, confused and pain ridden human being who did what she did.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Tibet Sock
I finished these today. I think they are regia but definately to colourway is called Tibet.Probably my favourite pair yet. French heel this time. I haven't managed any othe rknitting, esepcially by machine, as my ribcage is too sore. Went to the Dr today and it seems I have an infection/inflamation of the muscles between the ribs, hence the pain like I am in a vice! Who knew one even had muscles there! Honestly, with my OA acting up too i think if I were a dog, I'd take the needle!
I vont to be alone. Moonlight having a bad hair day.
Micah also having a bad hair day but the grin is to let you know that he plans to lose his virginity any day now once Finty stops playing hard to get. Honestly the PMT around here has been a nightmare. The girls all fighting and poor Micah getting the brunt of it.
What is going on? Why is everyone fighting? I amglad they leave me alone but I wonder if I am next.....
Luna is wondering why Frauke is so obessed with licking her ears. Even dogs have fetishes.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Nesting
Dogs are quite amazing. This last week, Tilly kept staring at the corner of the lounge and turning looking at me. She was telling me she thought it was high time I put her whelping pen up. So I did. It was all neat and tidy but not now. She has made her nest. Mind you, the actual box is not in there yet. That will happen later today.
She is due in about 10 days. Tilly adores having puppies. When she hasn't got any, and one of the others do, she tries to steal them!
SWEATERS FOR SALE
My Shop
I thought I would see how my sweaters would sell on ETSY.com. So I opened a shop there.
It can be viewed here:
www.ColinAndersson.etsy.com
It can be viewed here:
www.ColinAndersson.etsy.com
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Socks
I finished a pair of socks, 75% wool 25% nylon. Knitted with one long circular needle. 2mm for the rib and 2.25mm for the body. I used a Dutch heel. I like the look and the fit. Not so keen on the way it striped but they are comfortable.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Getting Going
I am almost finished the second sock of a pair.
Today, I have started to swatch the Yak yarn and Merino/Cashmere/Silk tweed yarn I bought in Hamburg.
My feelings have been all over the place, though nowhere near as bad as the first week. I am not struggling to cope. I just don't like it!
Today, I sorted out a dog sitter. A pleasant woman I have known for 7 years. An aquaintance really. She is kind and unassuming, in her 50's. Iasked her today and she said yes. As I was leaving, she said she did not want paying. I did not tell her anything of recent events until after I had asked what I wanted to. I thought it would be unfair to tell her first as I needed to be sure she wanted to dog sit for me and not do it out of guilt. This is only for days out of course, not holidays.
I wonder if anyone knows what this is. It is an experince I have had many times over my lifetime but last night it was very powerful and more scary. Often, as I am laying down to sleep, I hear a 'whooshing' sound in my head and I start to feel like I am being pulled out of myself. I cannot move but I am compeltely conscious. It is most unpleasant. Last night it was sudden and started by a really loud high pitched hum in my head and then the very strong feeling of being pulled out of my body and spinning. Again I couldn't physically move and I was totally conscious. I managed to 'pull' out of it and put the light on and stayed sitting up for a while.
Now I know that we all have sleep paralysis to prevent danger whilst we dream. However, I am not asleep when this happens. I also am aware that some people report leaving their body.
I am baffled by this. I have tried not to fight it and see where it leads but I always end up struggling to break the hold it has on me. I always succeed in that though it often feels like I won't. Also, when I have tried to go with it, the feeling of being dragged out and spinning gets intense.
Today, I have started to swatch the Yak yarn and Merino/Cashmere/Silk tweed yarn I bought in Hamburg.
My feelings have been all over the place, though nowhere near as bad as the first week. I am not struggling to cope. I just don't like it!
Today, I sorted out a dog sitter. A pleasant woman I have known for 7 years. An aquaintance really. She is kind and unassuming, in her 50's. Iasked her today and she said yes. As I was leaving, she said she did not want paying. I did not tell her anything of recent events until after I had asked what I wanted to. I thought it would be unfair to tell her first as I needed to be sure she wanted to dog sit for me and not do it out of guilt. This is only for days out of course, not holidays.
I wonder if anyone knows what this is. It is an experince I have had many times over my lifetime but last night it was very powerful and more scary. Often, as I am laying down to sleep, I hear a 'whooshing' sound in my head and I start to feel like I am being pulled out of myself. I cannot move but I am compeltely conscious. It is most unpleasant. Last night it was sudden and started by a really loud high pitched hum in my head and then the very strong feeling of being pulled out of my body and spinning. Again I couldn't physically move and I was totally conscious. I managed to 'pull' out of it and put the light on and stayed sitting up for a while.
Now I know that we all have sleep paralysis to prevent danger whilst we dream. However, I am not asleep when this happens. I also am aware that some people report leaving their body.
I am baffled by this. I have tried not to fight it and see where it leads but I always end up struggling to break the hold it has on me. I always succeed in that though it often feels like I won't. Also, when I have tried to go with it, the feeling of being dragged out and spinning gets intense.
Friday, September 08, 2006
I Won!!!!
I had my disability tribunal today. I did not even get seen. I won just on the strength of my submissons. The Chairman told my representative that they did not need to see me, they were appalled at the way I had been treated and that the case should never have gone this far. It has taken 22 months. I refused point blank to give in. I even wrote to the Commisioner myself and got the last tribunal's decision set aside.
If I wasn't a cripple, I'd have skipped out of the building! ;-)
If I wasn't a cripple, I'd have skipped out of the building! ;-)
Thursday, September 07, 2006
More
I just found out from my neighbours that this woman had been leaving my dogs outside all day and all night! Of course they barked a lot which is why they looked to see what was going on. They didn't like to 'complain' to me and said nothing until I told them that this woman was not welcome at my home and had no permisson to be there.
I am also changing my locks.
Now that I am over the intial shock, I am feeling myself again. Time to move on.
Having a good day. Have even started a new pair of socks....
I am also changing my locks.
Now that I am over the intial shock, I am feeling myself again. Time to move on.
Having a good day. Have even started a new pair of socks....
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Getting On
Thank you to those who have left messages here and written to my email address. I really appreciate it.
I started to feel more like me yesterday and still do this morning.
I am glad I came back when I did. I am glad I listened to my inner voice telling me to go home.
Before I went, I checked and checked that it was okay with my friend to look after two show coats, which she had not had to to do before. She is a qualified hairdresser. I showed how to do the dogs and was happy as was she. Now all of my dogs could have gone to two other people so it wasn't that she had no choice.
The last two times we spoke on the phone, I just got the feeling something wasn't right and when I phoned to say we were coming home, the reaction was not right. Can't say why I felt that. I just did.
So when I got home, I knew straight away something was up. The house smelled. No cleaning had been done. My two show coated dogs were matted to the skin. It was 12.30am when I got in after driving 700 miles. I stayed up till 5am grooming.
My first reaction was shock because I was so surprised she had let me down. I was angry too. However, when I hadn't had a phone call in the morning, and then no reply to call and texts, I became very worried. After 3 days I got a text saying 'I am down, need to be left alone'. Now I was getting angry. I already knew she had contacted mutual friends. It became obvious to me that she really didn't give a shit about my feelings. I left it and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Sunday when she came around knowing I was not in, made it clear to me that this was no friend.
She'd taken the £200 and done nothing for it. By coming home early I'd caught her out.
If I had not come home when I did, I'd have no dogs to show. I managed to save the coats as I know what I am doing. If I had come home two days later as planned, either I'd have to shave them off OR she would have hurt them by doing it herself and also wrecked their coats. It took hours for me to do but I did it without one yelp. ( At present I only show one of them, Moon, as Micah isn't ready for that yet.)
The most charitable I can be is that she knew she had been caught out letting me down big time and her pride stopped her dealing with it so she ditched me. However, I had noticed the last couple of times she had done stuff for me, paid for, she hadn't done as good a job as usual, in fact not done some things at all. I let it go. I know her 'career' is 'taking care' of people. I never saw our relationship like that at all cos it was developed a long while before she started doing things for me, at her prompting. Perhaps it was planned out.
I'll never know now exactly what this was about. I know I was conned. I know I did nothing to deserve this. I don't like to think I was set up from the beginning but it seems that way.
I wanted to make something clear about my disability. I am not helpless. I can walk. In my home I can get about quite well. In fact you may not notice anything wrong. You will notice I fidget a lot. If I keep still for too long, then I lock up. You will hear loud cracks when I do get up!
I can't use a bath. I can't cook with pots and pans or prepare foods because it requires standing too much and also I am likely to drop things or cut myself. On really bad days I can't dress or get shoes on. I roll out of bed and have been known to move about on all fours! Thank God for the dogs because they force me to get up and deal with them. On good days and I may even be able to go for a walk with them. Not often now.
I use sticks when I do walk but only very short distance. If I go out shopping or when we are away, I have to use a wheelchair. I can also drive. So basically unless I am acompanied, I don't go out. I can't manage the walk from car into supermarket and shop and back again. I can't get a wheelchair in and out of my car. I also cannot move myself in the chair unless on a very smooth surface.
I have OA of the spine which seems to spread to my knees and my hands now.I also have a neurological problem which affects my balance and makes me appear drunk sometimes. I can also get very confused. And , of course, exhausted easily!
I am very lucky I have the dogs, my knitting, the pc and a phone! I am always busy, never bored. It is necessary for me to get out during the week as 5 days indoors is too long. John is with me Friday evening to Monday morning.
I'll work it out and I know this awful hurt will lessen as time goes on.
I started to feel more like me yesterday and still do this morning.
I am glad I came back when I did. I am glad I listened to my inner voice telling me to go home.
Before I went, I checked and checked that it was okay with my friend to look after two show coats, which she had not had to to do before. She is a qualified hairdresser. I showed how to do the dogs and was happy as was she. Now all of my dogs could have gone to two other people so it wasn't that she had no choice.
The last two times we spoke on the phone, I just got the feeling something wasn't right and when I phoned to say we were coming home, the reaction was not right. Can't say why I felt that. I just did.
So when I got home, I knew straight away something was up. The house smelled. No cleaning had been done. My two show coated dogs were matted to the skin. It was 12.30am when I got in after driving 700 miles. I stayed up till 5am grooming.
My first reaction was shock because I was so surprised she had let me down. I was angry too. However, when I hadn't had a phone call in the morning, and then no reply to call and texts, I became very worried. After 3 days I got a text saying 'I am down, need to be left alone'. Now I was getting angry. I already knew she had contacted mutual friends. It became obvious to me that she really didn't give a shit about my feelings. I left it and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Sunday when she came around knowing I was not in, made it clear to me that this was no friend.
She'd taken the £200 and done nothing for it. By coming home early I'd caught her out.
If I had not come home when I did, I'd have no dogs to show. I managed to save the coats as I know what I am doing. If I had come home two days later as planned, either I'd have to shave them off OR she would have hurt them by doing it herself and also wrecked their coats. It took hours for me to do but I did it without one yelp. ( At present I only show one of them, Moon, as Micah isn't ready for that yet.)
The most charitable I can be is that she knew she had been caught out letting me down big time and her pride stopped her dealing with it so she ditched me. However, I had noticed the last couple of times she had done stuff for me, paid for, she hadn't done as good a job as usual, in fact not done some things at all. I let it go. I know her 'career' is 'taking care' of people. I never saw our relationship like that at all cos it was developed a long while before she started doing things for me, at her prompting. Perhaps it was planned out.
I'll never know now exactly what this was about. I know I was conned. I know I did nothing to deserve this. I don't like to think I was set up from the beginning but it seems that way.
I wanted to make something clear about my disability. I am not helpless. I can walk. In my home I can get about quite well. In fact you may not notice anything wrong. You will notice I fidget a lot. If I keep still for too long, then I lock up. You will hear loud cracks when I do get up!
I can't use a bath. I can't cook with pots and pans or prepare foods because it requires standing too much and also I am likely to drop things or cut myself. On really bad days I can't dress or get shoes on. I roll out of bed and have been known to move about on all fours! Thank God for the dogs because they force me to get up and deal with them. On good days and I may even be able to go for a walk with them. Not often now.
I use sticks when I do walk but only very short distance. If I go out shopping or when we are away, I have to use a wheelchair. I can also drive. So basically unless I am acompanied, I don't go out. I can't manage the walk from car into supermarket and shop and back again. I can't get a wheelchair in and out of my car. I also cannot move myself in the chair unless on a very smooth surface.
I have OA of the spine which seems to spread to my knees and my hands now.I also have a neurological problem which affects my balance and makes me appear drunk sometimes. I can also get very confused. And , of course, exhausted easily!
I am very lucky I have the dogs, my knitting, the pc and a phone! I am always busy, never bored. It is necessary for me to get out during the week as 5 days indoors is too long. John is with me Friday evening to Monday morning.
I'll work it out and I know this awful hurt will lessen as time goes on.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Broken Trust
This is difficult for me as I feel so much shame about this.
In short this is what happened.
I have had a very close friendship, so I thought, with someone I trusted completely. The only person other my John that I felt this about. I was wrong. very wrong.
We returned from my trip early because it was physically too much for me. I arrived home to find my 'friend' was not there, the dogs were in a mess, the house was. Like a fool, I became very concerned for my friend. No reply to phone or text. Yesterday, after a week of no contact, they turned up at my house thinking no one would be home as she had my show schedule and knew I'd be away at a show. John was in and she and her boyfriend were foiled.
Turns out this person was just in my life for the money and my generosity. I was completely taken in. I shared stuff with her that I have never shared with anyone but the therapist I used to see. She 'shared' with me too. It was all bullshit it seems.
What is worse, I never saw this coming. At no time did I ever think anything wasn't right. I am normally very careful who I let into my life. In fact this person was the one who did all the running. She always made a point of saying hello and chatting and then started to phone me. After a few months of this, I started to call back and then we had a coffee together and then it just snowballed into the best friendship I had ever had. At least that is what I thought.
Going to my dog show was really hard. I only went because the woman i go with, also disabled, trashed her car and without me couldn't go. So i went. Other than that i have stayed in. Outside just seems too big a deal for me right now.
Now my day out during the week will be no more. I can't do it on my own. I can't manage the walk or my wheelchair on my own.
Worst of all I feel totally humilated and a fucking idiot for believing in someone who was a total fraud.
In short this is what happened.
I have had a very close friendship, so I thought, with someone I trusted completely. The only person other my John that I felt this about. I was wrong. very wrong.
We returned from my trip early because it was physically too much for me. I arrived home to find my 'friend' was not there, the dogs were in a mess, the house was. Like a fool, I became very concerned for my friend. No reply to phone or text. Yesterday, after a week of no contact, they turned up at my house thinking no one would be home as she had my show schedule and knew I'd be away at a show. John was in and she and her boyfriend were foiled.
Turns out this person was just in my life for the money and my generosity. I was completely taken in. I shared stuff with her that I have never shared with anyone but the therapist I used to see. She 'shared' with me too. It was all bullshit it seems.
What is worse, I never saw this coming. At no time did I ever think anything wasn't right. I am normally very careful who I let into my life. In fact this person was the one who did all the running. She always made a point of saying hello and chatting and then started to phone me. After a few months of this, I started to call back and then we had a coffee together and then it just snowballed into the best friendship I had ever had. At least that is what I thought.
Going to my dog show was really hard. I only went because the woman i go with, also disabled, trashed her car and without me couldn't go. So i went. Other than that i have stayed in. Outside just seems too big a deal for me right now.
Now my day out during the week will be no more. I can't do it on my own. I can't manage the walk or my wheelchair on my own.
Worst of all I feel totally humilated and a fucking idiot for believing in someone who was a total fraud.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Stuck
I came home from my trip Saturday, instead of Monday. I got back to a very strange situation. My heart is broken and I have no idea why or how or anything. I am on autopilot and taking care of my dogs and cannot think of anything to write.
Friday, August 25, 2006
YAK
Well, bang went my yarn diet. I bought a couple of kg's of Yak hair today here in Hamburg. And some merino/cashmere and merino/ silk......
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Arrived
I am now at our friend's home in Denmark after a pretty awful 2 day drive.I normally get here the same day I leave but couldn't manage it.
I was incredibly lucky in Germany. I had forgotten one of my drugs and needed them so I went to a Pharmacy and explained my problem. I assumed they would call a Doctor or send me to a hospital. But no, they gave me 100 pills of the prescription only drug! I am very grateful.
On Monday we will go into Copenhagen where I have planned to meet another knitter whom I 'know' thru a knitting email list.
I was incredibly lucky in Germany. I had forgotten one of my drugs and needed them so I went to a Pharmacy and explained my problem. I assumed they would call a Doctor or send me to a hospital. But no, they gave me 100 pills of the prescription only drug! I am very grateful.
On Monday we will go into Copenhagen where I have planned to meet another knitter whom I 'know' thru a knitting email list.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Trip
We are leaving tomorrow for our trip to see friends and dogs in Sweden, Denmark, Germany and France.
We will be back on the 28th of this month.
Lets hope Osama doesn't choose tomorrow evening to blow up the Chunnel.....
We will be back on the 28th of this month.
Lets hope Osama doesn't choose tomorrow evening to blow up the Chunnel.....
Camel Hair
This is made from 100% Camel Hair from COLOURMART UK.I used 2 x 2/15's. The design is my own and I used the Brother Garter Carriage. The sweater has been washed and tumble dried on hot. It has set in sleeves and fully fashioned shaping. It is 62 cm wide and 68cm long. It weighs 590 gms after washing.
I tried using one strand on my fine gauge machine but it wasn't satisfactory. It works much better with two strands which equals 2/7.5.
There is much hand manipulation here, cabling every 4 rows.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Learning To Carry
Many people who are suffering dream of the day their suffering stops. In the case of a physical illness, their dream will come true. The suffering will stop either because they get better or they die.
With the other kind of suffering, soul pain, it is not quite the same. No amount of support or therapy or praying or drugs or drink or food or cleaning or any other coping mechanism will make you as if you didn't get abused, or raped, or have a loved one die. Nothing will alter your past. Nothing. You can only alter today. Your past will always be your past. You will always be who you are today because of your past. You cannot alter that. There will come a time when you will glad that you cannot.
Good loving support will enable you to live with your past and your pain. It will not remove it. Therapy will not 'cure' you.
Instead, you will grow in strength and understanding and thus your burden becomes something that you can carry and live well with instead of this this monstrous thing that crushes you. Everyone has their cross to carry. EVERYONE. We don't get to put it down.
We do however get to live. If we choose to and if we get the right help. We can be joyous and free despite what we carry with us. We grow in strength and we do not ache and crumble under it's weight.
As we grow in strength, we grow in wisdom and compassion and tolerance. We give to others what we are receivng ourselves. We let go of old ways of thinking. We become willing to change. This in itself can be very painful. Letting go of long held beliefs is not easy. Viewing the world through a different mind is not easy. Hence nervous breakdowns, when our world view comes crashing down around us because we can no longer hold it together because we see it is flawed. This is a good thing and maybe should be called a nervous breakthrough! It gives us the chance to build anew, to ditch old, harmful thinking.
The most painful changes we make will involve ditching much of what we were taught to think. One of the ways in which abusive people work, is by teaching lies to their victims. Most especially children. They do it because it works! They know that what you teach a child, they are likely to stick with. Hence religious fundamentalists are very much into converting children-their own or others. It is abuse, pure and simple. It takes tremendous courage and work to break free from it. As a result, many do not break free and they continue the cycle.
The same principle applies to siblings in an abusive home. One sibling may break free and be branded sick or wicked or deranged etc by the other siblings who do not have the courage to face the truth. They would rather live with the lie and the fantasy that they are loved than face the terrible truth. It is why we so often blame ourselves for our abuse.
Don't allow fear to stop you living. Don't imagine that your pain will be removed, that your past will be obliterated. It won't be.
Do know that your life can be truly free and wonderful, despite all that has transpired and that in itself is not just a miracle but the best possible vengeance you could wish for.
With the other kind of suffering, soul pain, it is not quite the same. No amount of support or therapy or praying or drugs or drink or food or cleaning or any other coping mechanism will make you as if you didn't get abused, or raped, or have a loved one die. Nothing will alter your past. Nothing. You can only alter today. Your past will always be your past. You will always be who you are today because of your past. You cannot alter that. There will come a time when you will glad that you cannot.
Good loving support will enable you to live with your past and your pain. It will not remove it. Therapy will not 'cure' you.
Instead, you will grow in strength and understanding and thus your burden becomes something that you can carry and live well with instead of this this monstrous thing that crushes you. Everyone has their cross to carry. EVERYONE. We don't get to put it down.
We do however get to live. If we choose to and if we get the right help. We can be joyous and free despite what we carry with us. We grow in strength and we do not ache and crumble under it's weight.
As we grow in strength, we grow in wisdom and compassion and tolerance. We give to others what we are receivng ourselves. We let go of old ways of thinking. We become willing to change. This in itself can be very painful. Letting go of long held beliefs is not easy. Viewing the world through a different mind is not easy. Hence nervous breakdowns, when our world view comes crashing down around us because we can no longer hold it together because we see it is flawed. This is a good thing and maybe should be called a nervous breakthrough! It gives us the chance to build anew, to ditch old, harmful thinking.
The most painful changes we make will involve ditching much of what we were taught to think. One of the ways in which abusive people work, is by teaching lies to their victims. Most especially children. They do it because it works! They know that what you teach a child, they are likely to stick with. Hence religious fundamentalists are very much into converting children-their own or others. It is abuse, pure and simple. It takes tremendous courage and work to break free from it. As a result, many do not break free and they continue the cycle.
The same principle applies to siblings in an abusive home. One sibling may break free and be branded sick or wicked or deranged etc by the other siblings who do not have the courage to face the truth. They would rather live with the lie and the fantasy that they are loved than face the terrible truth. It is why we so often blame ourselves for our abuse.
Don't allow fear to stop you living. Don't imagine that your pain will be removed, that your past will be obliterated. It won't be.
Do know that your life can be truly free and wonderful, despite all that has transpired and that in itself is not just a miracle but the best possible vengeance you could wish for.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Matching Socks
Well, I finished the socks to go with the sweater. I knit these with one circular needle, using Magic Loop method. Cast on 72 sts with 3.5mm needle, using continental method. I knit 24 rows of 2x2 rib using 2mm needle. I then knit the body using 2.25mm needle, increasing to 80 sts by increasing 4sts after first 4 rows and then again after another 4 rows. The heel was done using a modified Sherman Heel. Modified because I no longer know if I follow the pattern, I just do it. I do know that I slip sts on the way back which the original doesn't. Whatever, I find this the easiest heel to do and by far the best looking with no holes.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Shape
Below is the shape I designed which I use on all my set in sleeve sweaters, either handknit or machine knit. Below that is a picture of a hand knit I used this sleeve on and in the post below that is a machine knit.
Cashmere
Woman's cashmere set in sleeve sweater, size 36", tapered so that hem is 34". The colour is more wine than the picture shows. Tension is 37sts and 58 rows to 10cm. This has been washed and tumble dried on hot twice.
This is more representative of the colour. This sleeve head is the half raglan style I have mentioned before. It is now my standard sleeve head for a set in sleeve. It is easy to knit and fits really well. I have tried other more rounded sleeve heads and do not care for them. This gives a confortable, well fitted head and looks good too.
Close up of neck band to show how it fits to body. It is 7cm deep at front, 2 cm deep at back and 16 cm wide.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
That Was The Week That was
It's been one of those weeks.
Last Sunday, on the way to Leicester to pick up Tilly who had been off on 'honeymoon', I had to stop the car to get out as the pain was really bad. Not happened like that before. I didn't have my drugs with me so bought some over the counter Ibuprofen. Helped, but not much.
Anyway, picked up Tilly. When we got home, Micah tried to mate her and Tilly told him where to go, so that is a good sign. Have not been very succesful with Tilly in that we usually mated her too early and so she missed. She is a bit of a tart and will mate more or less as soon as she is in season and over a 8 day period which is not that normal. This time, the stud owner allowed them to shag their brains out for a week, until Tilly told the stud to f**k off. Hopefully this time she is pregnant.
As the week wore on, the pain got worse. It seems I am only comfortable, almost, lying on my side in bed. Sitting is terrible and standing soon gets worse. Anyway, my dear Niki came over for our weekly day out. We do this once a week as it gets me out and with her help I am able to do the main shop and generally have a good time. She is really very kind and never has to be told what I need. she anticipates everything. Fortunately we both love shopping.
Thursday was the day. We had to abandon it tho and come home. Not only was the pain really ick but I just couldn't function properly. My speech got all slurred, I became very vague and in the Opticians I staggered about and knocked stuff over! They know I have a condition so no problems.
My doctor happened to be passing in her car as I was leaving the Optician and she called me later at home and said she wanted to see me. Just to make sure I was okay. My blood pressure was 111/67 which I am very pleased with! The usual lecture about resting and taking my drugs, of which she gave me a whole sack full! Honestly, I have enough to open my own Pharmacy. I do like the idea of having enough to bump myself off in case of nuclear attack or another Cher farewell tour.
I am knitting a 100% camel hair sweater on with the GC right now. Cables and DMS and stuff. Taking forever as I have to cable every 4 rows but I really like this design and can't wait till it is finished.
And I dumped yet another sweater this week! My second in as many weeks. This was cashmere! Wine coloured and a ladies one. I had sewn in the first sleeve and did the neckband and was checking neckband was loose enough when I noticed a tear in the fabric, on the front, over where a breast would be. ACK! Anyway, I tired, even tho I knew I would fail, to undo my sewing. Impossible. So now it is in the bin.
Tomorrow is the South Eastern Lhasa Apso Society's Champ Show. We are going with Moon. Only about 80 miles away. Next Saturday, 12th, is Bournemouth Champ show and that is about 180 miles away! Thankfully I don't go to shows on my own so even if I am very sore tomorrow like today, I'll still managed my minute walk in the ring!
On the 17th we are off to see friends in Denmark and Sweden and catching 3 days in Hamburg on the way home. Hopefully we'll be popping into Laurent and Francois too to see them and see what new males they have that I might want to use on my girls. Oh, and I will also go see Sten and Ingla nr Falkenberg in Sweden to see their new boys. Will be away 12 days and Niki will be living here to take care of my dogs.
Oh and I am still doing my hand knit aran and am at present knitting a pair of socks. The bamboo hand knit is coming along too. Oh, if only I could stay awake 24 hrs or the days were longer or something.
Last Sunday, on the way to Leicester to pick up Tilly who had been off on 'honeymoon', I had to stop the car to get out as the pain was really bad. Not happened like that before. I didn't have my drugs with me so bought some over the counter Ibuprofen. Helped, but not much.
Anyway, picked up Tilly. When we got home, Micah tried to mate her and Tilly told him where to go, so that is a good sign. Have not been very succesful with Tilly in that we usually mated her too early and so she missed. She is a bit of a tart and will mate more or less as soon as she is in season and over a 8 day period which is not that normal. This time, the stud owner allowed them to shag their brains out for a week, until Tilly told the stud to f**k off. Hopefully this time she is pregnant.
As the week wore on, the pain got worse. It seems I am only comfortable, almost, lying on my side in bed. Sitting is terrible and standing soon gets worse. Anyway, my dear Niki came over for our weekly day out. We do this once a week as it gets me out and with her help I am able to do the main shop and generally have a good time. She is really very kind and never has to be told what I need. she anticipates everything. Fortunately we both love shopping.
Thursday was the day. We had to abandon it tho and come home. Not only was the pain really ick but I just couldn't function properly. My speech got all slurred, I became very vague and in the Opticians I staggered about and knocked stuff over! They know I have a condition so no problems.
My doctor happened to be passing in her car as I was leaving the Optician and she called me later at home and said she wanted to see me. Just to make sure I was okay. My blood pressure was 111/67 which I am very pleased with! The usual lecture about resting and taking my drugs, of which she gave me a whole sack full! Honestly, I have enough to open my own Pharmacy. I do like the idea of having enough to bump myself off in case of nuclear attack or another Cher farewell tour.
I am knitting a 100% camel hair sweater on with the GC right now. Cables and DMS and stuff. Taking forever as I have to cable every 4 rows but I really like this design and can't wait till it is finished.
And I dumped yet another sweater this week! My second in as many weeks. This was cashmere! Wine coloured and a ladies one. I had sewn in the first sleeve and did the neckband and was checking neckband was loose enough when I noticed a tear in the fabric, on the front, over where a breast would be. ACK! Anyway, I tired, even tho I knew I would fail, to undo my sewing. Impossible. So now it is in the bin.
Tomorrow is the South Eastern Lhasa Apso Society's Champ Show. We are going with Moon. Only about 80 miles away. Next Saturday, 12th, is Bournemouth Champ show and that is about 180 miles away! Thankfully I don't go to shows on my own so even if I am very sore tomorrow like today, I'll still managed my minute walk in the ring!
On the 17th we are off to see friends in Denmark and Sweden and catching 3 days in Hamburg on the way home. Hopefully we'll be popping into Laurent and Francois too to see them and see what new males they have that I might want to use on my girls. Oh, and I will also go see Sten and Ingla nr Falkenberg in Sweden to see their new boys. Will be away 12 days and Niki will be living here to take care of my dogs.
Oh and I am still doing my hand knit aran and am at present knitting a pair of socks. The bamboo hand knit is coming along too. Oh, if only I could stay awake 24 hrs or the days were longer or something.
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