Wednesday, December 08, 2010

MEN!

I feel the most miserable this morning then I have felt for a long time, not since I found out about the tax situation.  I had a nightmare filled sleep finally gave in at 5:30 AM and took half a sleeping pill and got up a little while ago with a pounding headache.

John was sick all weekend Monday and Tuesday with a chest infection.  This is not a minor thing for him as he suffers from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, COPD.  I had to nag him on Sunday as if he was a child to take his antibiotics and other tablets.

Last night he went to London. No warning. He said he suddenly remembered he has an important meeting today. I told him that he did not have to be there they knew he was sick and how dare he take this risk. He, just like child, insists that there is nothing wrong with him. All this through his laboured breathing. I really lost my temper which I hate to do as it reminds me of my father, although I am not violent toward John.  I do tend to smash things though and make a mess that I then have to clear up.  Needless to say I am paying for that physically today.

He only has just over a year before he retires.  I really don’t know what is playing at.  He is like very many men who really keep most talk about feelings to himself. He is very good at telling you how his day went with endless boring detail about the tube trip  but never about how he feels.

Ever since the tax situation started and his diagnosis I have never been able to relax and think that everything is okay.  I have no idea if I’m going to get hit with another big bombshell and of course I’ve no idea what can happen with regards to COPD because he refuses to accept it properly.  He does at least take the minimum amount of medication but I’m sick of having to fight him when he needs to take antibiotics.  I could hit him every time he says “it’s just my chest clearing out gunk”. NO! it’s your chest saying you need antibiotics! That is why the gunk is there!!! Moronic.

I feel very insecure and tearful this morning.  We are supposed to marry in just over 12 months time but I am scared that it will just increase my lack of security. I do seriously think about staying permanently in my flat, on my own, with a couple of my dogs.  At least then I wouldn’t have to spend my whole time waiting for the other foot drop.

I thought  that awful dreadful feeling was gone and done with because I am no longer being abused as a child.  I really did not expect it to come back nor did  I expect it come back in this way. I try to live a day at a time, and succeed, but my dreams are of losing it all and him because he keeps me in the dark about everything. I fully expect the police will knock on the door to tell me he dropped dead because he refuses to grow up and accept his disease OR we will be out on the street because of another bankruptcy I know nothing about.

Living with such insecurity is terrible for me. I thought all that was over but the day I found out about the IRS situation was the day the rug was pulled out from under my feet and there is no way of giving me that security back.

Going back to living on my own in the flat is not the ideal but at least I won’t be waiting for the other foot fall time and I would soon adapt to my new circumstances as I’m good at doing that as long as I know what is what.

It is the not knowing that destroys for me. He won’t talk to me he won’t talk to the doctor and he won’t talk to anybody else.

There is nothing left I can do.

4 comments:

Georgina said...

There is one thing you can do Colin - and that is do nothing - yet. You know all about hyper-anxiety, you have blogged about it and it has helped me to hear you talk about it clearly and openly. Sometimes, for a complexity of reasons, everything piles up into one great immovable mountain of fear - but it is an illusion. The trials are real, but the overwhelming fear is not. Wait and be still and your feelings of being loved by John and safe with him will come back and those are real feelings. None of us can stop life in it's tracks, and difficult things will have to be faced, but the panic you express today will pass. You are such a lovely person - I wish I could make you a cup of tea and give you a big hug.

Iris said...

Georgina is right. You're preparing for a change - one that should be a good change - and every change has stress, whether it be good or bad stress. Stress is stress and takes its toll on our thoughts, our bodies, our spirits. You were shocked over the taxes. I've been told it takes a good three years to fully recover from a betrayal, whether it was intentional, or not. You love John and he loves you. You'll weather this together, as you have other things. It makes it far worse that you had such a terrible childhood. It's harder for your than most to accept and love to begin with. Be patient with yourself and your feelings.

janalee said...

I can only send ((hugs)) and peaceful thoughts/wishes for you as you do your best in this situation.

Janalee

Yarnhog said...

Colin, please don't make any decisions when you're in this state. You need a chance to come back to a solid place before you do anything rash. You love John. He loves you. You have been together long enough to be able to work through your problems. Give yourself some breathing space and time.