Wednesday, December 08, 2010


I feel the most miserable this morning then I have felt for a long time, not since I found out about the tax situation.  I had a nightmare filled sleep finally gave in at 5:30 AM and took half a sleeping pill and got up a little while ago with a pounding headache.

John was sick all weekend Monday and Tuesday with a chest infection.  This is not a minor thing for him as he suffers from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, COPD.  I had to nag him on Sunday as if he was a child to take his antibiotics and other tablets.

Last night he went to London. No warning. He said he suddenly remembered he has an important meeting today. I told him that he did not have to be there they knew he was sick and how dare he take this risk. He, just like child, insists that there is nothing wrong with him. All this through his laboured breathing. I really lost my temper which I hate to do as it reminds me of my father, although I am not violent toward John.  I do tend to smash things though and make a mess that I then have to clear up.  Needless to say I am paying for that physically today.

He only has just over a year before he retires.  I really don’t know what is playing at.  He is like very many men who really keep most talk about feelings to himself. He is very good at telling you how his day went with endless boring detail about the tube trip  but never about how he feels.

Ever since the tax situation started and his diagnosis I have never been able to relax and think that everything is okay.  I have no idea if I’m going to get hit with another big bombshell and of course I’ve no idea what can happen with regards to COPD because he refuses to accept it properly.  He does at least take the minimum amount of medication but I’m sick of having to fight him when he needs to take antibiotics.  I could hit him every time he says “it’s just my chest clearing out gunk”. NO! it’s your chest saying you need antibiotics! That is why the gunk is there!!! Moronic.

I feel very insecure and tearful this morning.  We are supposed to marry in just over 12 months time but I am scared that it will just increase my lack of security. I do seriously think about staying permanently in my flat, on my own, with a couple of my dogs.  At least then I wouldn’t have to spend my whole time waiting for the other foot drop.

I thought  that awful dreadful feeling was gone and done with because I am no longer being abused as a child.  I really did not expect it to come back nor did  I expect it come back in this way. I try to live a day at a time, and succeed, but my dreams are of losing it all and him because he keeps me in the dark about everything. I fully expect the police will knock on the door to tell me he dropped dead because he refuses to grow up and accept his disease OR we will be out on the street because of another bankruptcy I know nothing about.

Living with such insecurity is terrible for me. I thought all that was over but the day I found out about the IRS situation was the day the rug was pulled out from under my feet and there is no way of giving me that security back.

Going back to living on my own in the flat is not the ideal but at least I won’t be waiting for the other foot fall time and I would soon adapt to my new circumstances as I’m good at doing that as long as I know what is what.

It is the not knowing that destroys for me. He won’t talk to me he won’t talk to the doctor and he won’t talk to anybody else.

There is nothing left I can do.

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