Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Listen To Your Body Talk (but let's not get physical)

(I added a picture of me aged 10 to previous post)

Although I didn't want to get up when the alarm went off at 5.25am, I did. I was later than usual going to bed because I got involved in a 'phone conversation and then I read.

I am reading The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson. It is excellent and quite different to anything else I have read. The writing reminds me of the quality of The Lovely Bones (now a film) by Alice Seebold. I am surprised I have continued to read as it has very details of what happens to burn victims. I have a horror of burning. From the very first time I saw a scene of people being burned at the stake, it filled me with such dread I can't describe it. It makes my throat constrict and the horror of it is almost overwhelming. I cannot imagine a worse thing to do to another human being. And most of it was done in the name of God. And there are morons who believe that those who don't believe as they do will burn for eternity. This is simply wicked and how anybody can be so sick as to believe this is beyond me. Never mind the sheer stupidity of such a belief. WHAT WILL BURN? We won't have any bodies! MORONS.

Whoops! Getting slightly off track there. Back to swimming. I had a good swim. I did 64 laps with no trouble. I am learning to take note of what my body is telling me. It is not as easy as one might think. I hurt all the time no matter what I do. Not as awful as it sounds, it is surprising what one gets used to. Anyway, because of the constant hurting, it isn't always easy to know when my body is telling me to STOP. When I first start it hurts more than it did before I started. As I swim, it gets easier and then there is a period where it is completely fine, just aching. Then the aching gets worse, tiredness sets in,and sharper pain returns. When this happens varies. Very occasionally, it happens str8 away and doesn't wear off after a few laps and on those days I have to stop. Sometimes it isn't pain that stops me but fatigue. I just can't do the movements required. Today, I paid particular attention to how my body felt because I need to learn when to stop and when to push. If I don't stop when I need to, I make matters worse which carries on into my day and the next day too until I can't do anything. If I don't do enough, I get stiff. Today, I noted that towards the time for stopping, my arms would not lift as far out of the water when I did my freestyle strokes. ( I do one freestyle lap to every four of breaststroke). Then I noted that my hips and legs were becoming more audible to my pain sense. However, not so bad that I really felt I couldn't go on. I determined that I would stop at 64 laps which was BEFORE I knackered myself. This is important for me to learn because I tend to find it very hard to know when I am being lazy and when I NEED to stop. I argue with myself constantly about how many laps I will do. I usually insist on the full 64 no matter what. This is unrealistic and it causes me more problems. So now, I am going to try to do the number of laps my body is telling me is okay, and not force myself to over do things.

Today is one of those days one could almost believe one has been miraculously cured. I am moving freely and have much less pain. I am only aware of my hands and my hips. Who knows why I have times like this. When pain becomes a constant companion it becomes difficult to quantify it. John and my close friends, just on the phone, can often tell when I am in pain and need to take drugs, whilst I am not aware at all. I am so used to it that even though it is making me bad tempered, pale and it shows on my face, I don't always realise it.

I am going to try and get puppy pictures later. Their eyes have opened.
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