It has taken me a year to assimilate what happened at the end of 07, the grief and the realisation that there was something wrong with those who abused me and I was not abused because there was something wrong with me.
Recently, I have come to realise that I have people in my life who are not respectful of me and who I am too afraid to speak my mind to. Once I realised this, I decided enough was enough. I don't need those sort of people in my life. If I speak my mind and they don't like it, then bye bye.
Today I had a phone call from someone who many times has left me feeling enraged and impotent. Not today. This person is very intelligent, is a retired MD and holds very strong views. In fact she is a bully. If you don't agree with her she mocks, sneers, laughs at you and otherwise informs you how deluded you are.
I didn't accept it today. I told her what I thought of her and her arrogance and bullying tactics, how I was not going to accept this, and that I thought differently to her and had no wish to further the conversation. I hung up. I was shaking but boy it felt good!
I have another friend who also thinks she is always right. Always. And has made comments that suggest she certainly has no respect for me or my knowledge or anything really.I once recommended an antihistamine to her for her dog that will not eat. The drug is non prescription and it makes the dog hungry and within an hour or so of having the drug will stuff itself. A while later, I was at her home and so was another breeder who she clearly holds in high esteem. She asked this man, in front of me, if he had heard of this drug and had he used it and did it do what she had been told. I kept my mouth shut but I have not forgotten. This is another person I can't say what I think to because they are never ever wrong about anything and know all there is to know. When it is like this, one doesn't even know in the end if you like them or not. She makes me feel bad about myself too often. Other times she is a good laugh. I don't bother talking dogs with her cos her opinion is the only one that counts even when the science says otherwise. Laws of genetics don't know better than she does.
I can't believe that I am my age and only just learning what others learned very much younger. I have been led up the garden path so many times because I always deferred to others. I was sold dogs not fit for purpose, and I knew it, but was too insecure to trust myself.
And I have kept quiet out of fear. Fear of what exactly I don't know but when one believes deep down that one is defective, it's easy to do.
NO MORE.
Another long stretch, but hoping to be more regular
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9 comments:
Oh, man, do I agree with this! Just this past two days, I wrote to a company to complain about 5 breaks (not knots) in the skein of yarn. The yarn kept tangling around all the loose ends when I was trying to wind it and it took almost 2 hours! Anyway, I just wanted the company to know and it seems the owner wants to "educate" me on the evils to poor women in Nepal and that they, the yarn company, just can't do anything about quality control because of the poor people who can't possibly know how to produce a good product. So, I'm still supposed to pay premium prices for it. Right! Anyway, I guess I'm just too stupid to know what I consider fair and on and on and on.
You're right. These people are idiots and to be ignored.
I don't need some kind of yarn peddler to educate me on the evils of the world.
I've found that many people who think they are always right do this because they are so insecure. They don't realize it, but the only way they can make themselves feel better is to put others down. They are as full of fear as we are, but have to put up this huge belligerent front to keep from falling apart. That said, I find them very hard to deal with, as well, and count the three years I lived with such a person as among my most miserable. I now know not to believe them. It took a while.
I agree with you, I am now 51 and I find some people so arrogant about their 'beliefs' and what is 'right for me' that I just 'smile and nod' as my mother used to tell me.
I have however found that people now are coming to me to teach them to knit (or use those small sticks as someone put it) and expect me to be able to get them to knit an aran sweater in an evening....
It seems so obvious once we figure this out, doesn't it? "This person annoys/bothers/belittles me, so I will not spend time with him/her." Sweet, straightforward, and upfront. Makes so much sense to avoid the people who seem to take such delight in making us feel so bad about ourselves.
So WHY does it take us so long and so much pain to learn this lesson????? Better, why do we so often feel sorry or guilty when we cut ourselves loose from them?
It 'sa mystery to me. But congratulations, Colin, on yet another difficult and painful, yet liberating, step forward!
At times we all have toxic people in our lives. We can't change them, nor can we change ourselves to suit them. The only solution is to get rid of them, and I'm glad you're doing that!
Keep strong x.....
Amen! Some people are like the vacuum sweeper....they suck the life right out of you! Kudos on "cleaning house"! Surround yourself with people who build up and give life, not those who tear down and diminish. You're absolutely right, life IS too short!
Kim in IA
Part of the survival instinct of the abused is to not rock the boat. So we swallow more than we should and allow ourselves to be taken advantage of because it lessens the chance we will be abused again.
It's not surprising you reacted this way. It's "normal" for the situation you were in. Don't beat yourself up for what happened in the past. Rejoice in the knowledge that it won't happen any more.
Please don't compare yourself to others. When you learn something is unique to you and shouldn't be used as a measuring stick to be placed against someone else's measuring stick. You learned it and that's what is important.
You are by no means the only one who took a while to learn this lesson. Even when I first learned it a few years ago, I had to re-learn it a couple of times. Those of us who are "nice", often think that means we must swallow huge amounts of garbage from folks.
As Suna said, many of these folks are insecure and, in that sense, to be pitied. But removing the chronically toxic from our lives is only good sense.
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