Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Life Is Too Short

It has taken me a year to assimilate what happened at the end of 07, the grief and the realisation that there was something wrong with those who abused me and I was not abused because there was something wrong with me.

Recently, I have come to realise that I have people in my life who are not respectful of me and who I am too afraid to speak my mind to. Once I realised this, I decided enough was enough. I don't need those sort of people in my life. If I speak my mind and they don't like it, then bye bye.

Today I had a phone call from someone who many times has left me feeling enraged and impotent. Not today. This person is very intelligent, is a retired MD and holds very strong views. In fact she is a bully. If you don't agree with her she mocks, sneers, laughs at you and otherwise informs you how deluded you are.

I didn't accept it today. I told her what I thought of her and her arrogance and bullying tactics, how I was not going to accept this, and that I thought differently to her and had no wish to further the conversation. I hung up. I was shaking but boy it felt good!

I have another friend who also thinks she is always right. Always. And has made comments that suggest she certainly has no respect for me or my knowledge or anything really.I once recommended an antihistamine to her for her dog that will not eat. The drug is non prescription and it makes the dog hungry and within an hour or so of having the drug will stuff itself. A while later, I was at her home and so was another breeder who she clearly holds in high esteem. She asked this man, in front of me, if he had heard of this drug and had he used it and did it do what she had been told. I kept my mouth shut but I have not forgotten. This is another person I can't say what I think to because they are never ever wrong about anything and know all there is to know. When it is like this, one doesn't even know in the end if you like them or not. She makes me feel bad about myself too often. Other times she is a good laugh. I don't bother talking dogs with her cos her opinion is the only one that counts even when the science says otherwise. Laws of genetics don't know better than she does.

I can't believe that I am my age and only just learning what others learned very much younger. I have been led up the garden path so many times because I always deferred to others. I was sold dogs not fit for purpose, and I knew it, but was too insecure to trust myself.

And I have kept quiet out of fear. Fear of what exactly I don't know but when one believes deep down that one is defective, it's easy to do.

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