Tuesday, August 05, 2008

All Sorts


I am off to a dog show tonight so will be in bed by 5pm to be up at midnight. 250 miles to the show.
3 of the puppies have gone to their new homes, three still here. I changed my mind about Mama Mia and she is now called Tabitha which is what I had planned in the first place but forgot! I have habit of getting my words muddled and I made myself laugh Sunday night because I I was calling Shameless and Lui to bed but what I called out was: Lameless and Shui.

I have been to three shows recently where the judging has been very dodgy indeed. I now know why people get uptight about it! I don't mind at all being beaten or even going unplaced as long as I know the judge has no agenda other than judging the dogs fairly and honestly to the best of their ability and opinion. However, when it is clear that it is the owners of the dogs being placed or thrown out, it is very galling. It is also galling when you know that a successful dog has had it's pigment enhanced by cosmetics. I just cannot understand how people who cheat and judges who lack ethics sleep with themselves and I don't see the pleasure in winning unfairly with a dog. If the dog doesn't win on merit what is the point? Oh and it seems that such exhibitors and judges think the rest of us are so thick we don't see or recognize what is going on.....


I have been trying out something. I am taking half my allotted pain meds but I am taking it every day and regularly. I start as soon as I wake up and then every 6 hours. This is only the second day doing this. Yesterday, I was able to swim well and with little pain though I still needed help to get out of the pool. I spent the day doing stuff I had to do and did it all smoothly with little pain. I also felt good, not grumpy. And not knackered either. Today is going smoothly too.

I will have to do this for a while to know if it's the drug regimen or not. I am wondering if chronic pain causes fatigue? Is it coincidence I don't feel so knackered? Is it the lack of nagging pain that has made me feel much less grumpy so that the little things I found got me annoyed don't now? Time will tell.


Millie has gone back to live with Lorraine. She started to eat coat. We won't be trying again with these Mini Longhaired Haired Dax. It's too upsetting. I just have to accept the fact that coat chewing is their thing and as I have long coated dogs, they are not compatible. Drats.


I learned when very young to keep my feelings in check. I knew that whatever or whoever I got close to, I would lose.

Now I don't know if I love at all. I don't know if I am capable of it. I know I love John because of the thought of him suffering in any way horrifies me. However, I am not sure about anyone else. I don't know if I love them for them or just because they treat me well.

I know I am not without feeling because I reach out to others when I see them in pain. I am not sure that is the same as loving though. I think I am so used to keeping my emotions in check that maybe I can't love now. Sometimes when I feel joy, always in relation to John, it frightens me and I feel my solar plexus slam shut.

I think some damage is not undoable. Maybe this is one of them. I don't know. I ponder this a lot wondering just how much of what I feel is genuine caring for others and how much is about protecting myself and therefore ultimately self centred.


There was piece on the news regarding Long Grove Asylum. I spent some time there in 77/78. I will never forget that place nor some of my fellow 'patients' nor some of the staff, so called 'carers'.

Anyway, I go to think about how some people say they have no regrets about the past and would not change it if they could.

I now think I understand this position whereas before I did not. I longed to change my past. Or, failing that, I longed to have something happen to me that would wipe my memory.

Today I know that I am the result of my past experience. ALL of it. Every bit of it, all the suffering, all the good and all the bad. Everything I did and everything that was done to me. Everything I said and thought, everything that was said to me and taught to me. All of it.

I like who I am today and I am happy. I no longer want anything from the surviving members of my family. For the longest time I thought I need recognition from them of my suffering and their part in that, a recognition and remorse for the abuse.

I don't need it today nor do I want it. The day I realised that the stuff that was done to me was done to me because of who THEY were and not because of who I was, was the day I was freed to really grieve and to let go of all that shit. With the letting go of that went the desire for anything from them. I am truly free of them. Finally. And I can truthfully say,

non, je ne regrette rien.
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