Showing Off

Me in my dog show outfits ( and when I go to do talks). I change waistcoats and trousers too, from these to black to navy. I have waistcoats in different colours and designs. Also different colour ties and shoes. In fact I have a pair of Kickers (2 pairs actually) where I wear one of each shoe so one foot is blue and the other red.

Blue Suede Shoes

No swimming today. Just couldn't drag myself out of bed this morning to do it. I did of course get up because the dogs don't give a toss how I feel, they need out.

Lorraine, my Dax dog friend is visiting later today.

I found some shoes / boots in bright red, turquoise, and violet and hopefully they will arrive today. I love bright coloured suede or leather shoes. Very hard to find. these are mainly Kickers. Most men's shoes are brown or black. Or black or brown. Some of the shoes I buy are women's but they are only women's because of the colour not the style and shape which is identical to men's. Seems shoemakers think masculine and feminine shoes should be clearly defined. oh brother. Or oh sister.

I am getting tired of my aran attempt. I spent the day yesterday knitting up a swatch that took forever. I used clean str8 lines, based on a one by one rib, all twisted and travelling. I thought it was a good idea. but it isn't what i have in mind after all. I think I am going to frog and go for a more traditional look. I do love aran but wanted to try out one that was all twisted travelling sts but it hasn't worked out to my liking. Now in socks, it works very well.

Good News

Dignity

Well, I logged on to my blog this morning with trepidation. I am very pleased to see reasoned responses and not what I feared could await me.

Even better was the news item I read. Click on Dignity and you'll see the same news.

I almost didn't go to the pool. I really felt like I wasn't up to it. i went and told myself I need not do much. It hurt like hell for the first 20 mins but then I got into my stride and did my usual 80 laps. Of course I was stuffed afterwards and can barely walk now but I have nothing to do today but knit and watch the second disc of Damages.

The puppies are still doing well.

I abandoned the Aran altogether. I am swatching in 2 strands of 4ply wool a nice twisted stitch aran type. I hope it works out as I am rather pleased so far.

I sometimes see clients at home. Not usually men. However, recently I have had only men wanting to come for a reading. I have accepted, nervously as I still feel uncomfortable around men. Yet I have learned quite a lot form this. Not only have I been able to work well with them but have also found that other men, heterosexual ones, have similar issues to me. Yesterday's one had a father pretty much the same as mine and he had problems today because of it. He is str8 so he chooses women to have relationships with who treat him just like his father did-with no respect and over demanding. They use and abuse him. The poor man is very confused and hurt. Perhaps he gained some insight from our session that will be of help to him .

Cats and Pigeons

I have stopped itching. My headache and 'cold' have gone. The bloat and gut discomfort have gone though I am still having to go too often. 4 days off wheat. Oh, and my joints feels better today. Not sure if that flare has anything to do with the wheat. Mind you, I did almost fall twice today because my legs went funny. Specifically I couldn't feel my feet properly. Fine now.

Now for something delicate.

A number of years ago I met a couple from the Southern USA. I chose to get on alright with them and have since had some correspondence due to our mutual passion for knitting.

It seems they have taken exception, not in a mean or angry way, to my post where I implied that the Southern USA states are not exactly safe for gay people. It was clear, from my post,I was not talking about city life, but outback life.

Anyway, they want to dispel the myth that southerners are bigoted as my post I suggested. Trouble is, this couple are! Or were. But they don't see it. They made several bigoted and offensive remarks regarding gay people whilst at the same time telling me how they were not bigots! The one I recall most clearly, was that they really object to gay people being so promiscuous! Not only is that a stereotype, but not true of all gay people just as it is not true of all non gay people. The promiscuousness of non gay people is paraded for all to see on the tv now.

Anyway, these people were guests, I didn't want the hassle, and I know they are good people if only they'd get educated on this subject and drop the homophobia. They won't because they don't think they are. I have also chosen not to directly answer the email and to say my piece here.
I have grown enough to know that just because someone is homophobic, doesn't mean they are bad. Of course, it depends on the degree of their bigotry. I aint gonna be tolerant of those who want me dead or cured!

The email rather put me on the spot. Ignore it completely was not the right thing. Respond and not say what I wanted to say was not an option. So this option seemed like the best one.

The only way for the Southern USA to get a better reputation is by changing their attitude. Dropping the fundamentalism would help. I get many emails from people who feel unsafe where they live in their Southern state. Not just gay people, in fact mainly str8 women who for one reason or another have had to go live there, usually following a husband, and they feel threatened because they are not fundies, not conservative, etc etc etc

Of course, not all Southerners are the same. Enough of them are though for the Religious Right to hold sway and , correct me if I am wrong, for most of them to still support, and carry out, the barbarity of legal murder.

I don't think it is too surprising that I and many others feel threatened
enough to not want to visit. if the impression we get is totally wrong, then someone ought to tell your TV and Film makers to stop portraying them as such, for the news to stop portraying them as such. Oh and change your President! Preferably NOT for McCain. He will do nothing to dispel any myths about the south.

ooops! Did I just upset the apple cart?

One Week

Best Outcome

When we had arrived in Australia in 1971, I had been led to believe that we were staying there. I was relieved. I could not have borne yet another set of losses - pets, friends, familiar surroundings, home. Yet more grief with no where and no way to express it, so I ate it down.

(My eating disorder was already under way and had been for years. It took the form of binging on high sugar foods. I had discovered at around the age of seven, after the death of my friend, that high sugar foods numbed me.)

At school soon after we had arrived, and I had already been victimized by the teacher who was a child pornographer, my elder brother informed me that we were on the move again. I was too upset to know he was teasing me. That same day we had streaming exams and needless to say I did poorly.

Eventually, just like so many times before, over so many different issues, the word of parents came to mean nothing. We were informed we were moving yet again. To the UK. I was devastated. By this time I was well and truly into self harm and anorexia. I was depressed. Unnoticed.

I could have stayed in Oz. I was of an age, 16, where the law would have allowed me had I shown I was not in any moral danger. I didn't do this. I was bribed. I believed my beloved Sally would be coming with me. She was my yellow Laborador. I had two Lhasa Apso which my father sold to the first person to pay him. My feelings about this mattered not a jot. My feelings had never mattered.

My elder brother had already left home at least a year previously and was in the UK. At least I would have an ally in him as he had fled my father. Oh how wrong could I have been? Far from being an ally, he was an enemy.He humiliated me, called me a liar and spent his time sucking up to my parents about how well he had done for himself since leaving home. He had turned into a self centred obnoxious twerp. Perhaps he always had been and I was too naive to see it. certainly he never did a thing for me. Even when the centre of the family's 'problems' became my homosexuality, he kept quiet about his own homosexuality. He proffered help for my parents so they could come to terms with this awful thing by telling them of an organization for parents of gay children. all the time lying thru his teeth and ignoring me. When I was put into a mental hospital, he, like my younger brother, did not come to my aid with the truth. Instead he curried favour by saying he would pay for me to go into a private funny farm. Even in the state I was in, I was disgusted with him for making this obvious ploy which I knew would never happen. He said it only to appear like a good son.

I am well aware that my brothers had the same parents as me and they too deserved their love and respect and that they did what they could to get it. The big difference is they did it all at my expense. They were quite prepared to see me hang as long as they got the approval they so desperately wanted. Truth meant nothing to them and I most certainly didn't.

We arrived in England in May 1075. Within a week I was working at a quarantine kennel. Sally was duly booked in for August 5th. On august the 4th, I telephoned Mr and Mrs T. in Oz to make sure Sally had been put on the plane. Mr and Mrs T did not know what I was talking about. I was so upset, my boss took over the telephone. I was informed that my parents had had Sally destroyed the day we had left.

To this day, I have never been given an explanation. Just denial. Yet whilst I was working in those kennels, my mother said to me several times that I should not get my hopes up as you never know could happen. I did not suspect that my parents could be as cruel as they were. Yes, I know I had had plenty of examples to go by before of their cruelty, but I really did not suspect they would be this evil. Plus my mother was always telling us not get excited or get our hopes up or to enjoy anything really because it would always end in tears. so it did not occur to me that she was trying to warn me about what she already knew-Sally would not be coming./

This period of time was awful. I was really ill and hiding it. In fact i didn't know I was ill but knew my behaviour around food was not normal and I didn't want anyone to know. I was already going 48 - 72 hrs without food. I could not risk anyone knowing in case they made me eat and I was far too fat at 140 lbs. If only I could be thin, I would be loved by my family and liked by others.

I fell in love for the first time. I was 17. So was he. It lasted 3 months. He ended it. I was devastated. It was further proof I was no good. I mourned alone. Even those who knew about my love affair didn't take it seriously. After all, my love was another boy so it couldn't be real could it?

At the end of 1977, (yes I have jumped over other stuff which I will write about later), I wanted to die. I had a clerk job in the City. I lived with my parents. i had no choice. Even if I could have afforded not to, I was too incapable by then. It was normal for me to come home, go to my room and stay there until I got up for work the next day. At least 10 hours on my own. I swallowed every pill I had and I had loads. Sleeping pills, antidepressants, pain killers. The lot. I was so relieved. It was over. I relaxed, put on my music and waited to fall asleep for the last time. Despite my fear of God and going to Hell, I had by that time realised that Hell could not be worse. Besides, I had no choice. I couldn't carry on in that pain.

My parents could not wake me. Later that day, an employee asked my mother what was wrong and she told her that she could not wake me up. It was the employee who called an ambulance.
(Now my mother related this to me as an illustration of how upset she had been. In fact, neither she nor my father could bare the possibility that people would find out about our family secrets.)

I came around in hospital, to hear my parents being told there was little that could be done as the drugs had all been absorbed. I was ill for weeks, about 6. I couldn't hear properly, taste properly or smell properly. Worse, to me then, was that I was alive.

There is more to tell but I can't do so now.

The best outcome referred to in the title of this post is my life now. If I had not come here to the UK I would not have met John. I would not have met the therapist who made the difference. I would not have met and done all sorts of things. In all likelihood I would have ended up dead and alone in that awful outback place I live din where homosexuals were and still are ostracised severely.(According to a BBC documentary about the area I lived in.) Think backwoods southern US state and you get the picture.

It is good to be able to have all this recorded here. As i write things become so clear. One thing that is apparent to me is just how much I minimized in order to survive. As I write it here, I am appalled at what I lived through. It shocks me. It reveals to me a person whom I feel compassion for and not the shame I always did.

Oh Sh*t 2

My guts have still not settled. It would also appear that what I thought was cold coming on, husky voice, stuffed sinus, wasn't. I also have a rash on my legs and the IBS is playing up enough to stop me swimming. My sinus and throat have cleared up once I stopped eating wheat. The rash is going. It will take a while before my gut settles though. Once I am 'clear' I will introduce the rolled oats (porridge) again. I think I can manage that.

I have had two lots of yarn arrive. One from a very kind Ravelry friend who sent me some Lorna's Laces Shepherd Sock yarn in a lovely blue colourway because she didn't want it. Another lot came from a USA friend in a grand deep purple wool and camel mix. I am knitting this up now in a textured design.

John came home early yesterday morning and the dogs were delighted to see him. He of course gets to see a 5 day old litter, all cleaned up and none of the fuss!

I have a dog show next Friday. This is one of the furthest ones for me-200 miles. I shall be leaving at 3am. I shall be taking Micah and Whitney. John will have the day off to dog sit.

My aran is going nowhere. I am swatching again, this time on 4mm needles instead of the 4.5 mm. It is looking better. I think it comes down to the fact I don't really care for this yarn, 80% wool 20% alpaca, for the textured work I want to do. However, I think the tighter gauge and the twisted stitches will work.

Oh and I watched the first disc (5 episodes) of Damages, starring Glenn Close. I really like this.

Oh Sh*t

Yesterday was day 8 of the low GI foods. What I thought was just a niggle a couple of days ago has turned into a full blown IBS situation. Bloated, diarrhoea, fatigue, pain, generally feeling crap and tearful. With hindsight, I think this was on it's way long before now-within a couple of days really of me starting to add the foods but I thought, well, I'll give it a week. A week turned out to be too long.

I shall have to go no carb for a few days. I think I might then just have the porridge in the mornings and see how that does. The wheat, beans and rice will have to be out.

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. I HATE this f***ing food thing. It is such a pain. It is the one thing in my life I have NEVER been comfortable with. Never. The closest I have come to comfortable is no carb, meaning fish and chicken and turkey and pork and loads of veggies. I really don't seem able to handle anything else.

I have had a couple of people express reservations, to put it mildly, about the what I eat. I ought to have ignored them. I KNOW what my body and mind can cope with. If the human body could not do well on this diet, none of us would be here as this how we all ate before we stopped being hunter gatherers.

Whatever, I know where I am today and how ill I feel because I let know it alls impinge on me. So it's back to what I know is right for me and others can keep their ignorant opinions to themselves.

Oh, I get so annoyed with myself sometimes when I assume others know best. It's almost always got me into deep do do.

Think Your Life

Swimming

I am somewhat sore today and my gut doesn't feel too hot. I still managed my swim. I am persevering with the new foods in my diet. After a week I have not gained weight. However, my gut is now beginning to play up somewhat. Too soon to give up though.

SHAMELESS

She and the puppies are doing well. I am supplementing the smallest with puppy formula in a human baby bottle as she is getting pushed out by her bigger siblings. She gulps it down so needs it. Once her weight is up she will be able to fend for herself.



Below is what came out when I responded to an email:

Because my husband is treating
me bad and has for 40 years now ( only his temper is getting worse) *is not
because* of anything I've done.  

It took me many years to understand that. It isn't an easy concept because it goes against what we are brought up to believe. Most of us are taught that we are responsible for how others feel and behave, that we are so powerful that we can make others feel or behave the way they do. BULL!

We can control the way we behave but not necessarily the way we feel. However, just because we feel something does not mean we have to act on it!

There is no point feeling a bad over what we feel, there is little we can do about feelings. There is plenty we can do about behaviour. I might feel like wringing the neck of a noisy dog at 3AM or ramming my car into an aggressive driver. I don't act on it. don't waste time and energy putting yourself down because of how you feel at times.

What we THINK is most important. What we think dictates the life we lead. By 'what we think' I am not referring to those moments when we curse because we stubbed our toe or because a driver cut us up. No I mean what we think about ourselves, others, the world we live in and God. These are the important thoughts. If you feel you are not worthy, that you are a shameful person, that you are not good enough, this is the foundation for a miserable life. Not only are you going to be an easy target for abusers but also for religious abusers-fundamentalists. If you already feel you are bad to the core, it is going to be easy for a religious control freak to 'rescue' you by feeding on your shame and lack of self worth and convince you that you are not acceptable to God either-unless you believe as they do. For me the question of what is right and what isn't cannot be clearly answered-no one can possibly know what is right but it is easy to tell what is wrong. Any belief system that says if you don't believe you will be destroyed or sent to suffer in hell, is clearly wrong. Such an idea is merely there to control you, feeding non your shame and fear.

Your shame and fear is also what abusers closer to you, like partners, parents, bosses, co-workers etc , use to manipulate you. The abuse and control you and convince you that 1. they care about you , 2. that you are not being abused. 3. if you are being abused then you deserve it OR that you caused the abuser to abuse.

How we feel about difference in people-gender, sexuality, race, social class, work, money etc is all important. It contributes to our life either for good or for bad. Do you think you are a lesser person than the President or the Queen or the Pope? Are you, in your mind, worth less than these people? Do you know they are just people like you? Do you think that person is less than you just because they are different to you? A different skin tone? Different nationality? Different social class? Just different is enough for some people to think lowly of another.

You cannot escape what you truly think. What you believe in your heart will out and be reflected in your life. We don't experience life as it is but only how we think it is. We truly do create the world we live in-each of us and individually. No two people see the world in the same way and even those that appear to believe the same things, do so for different reasons. We each experience life differently and each create meaning from those experiences differently.

Everything is subjective. we cannot know objective truth because we can step outside of ourselves. NO ONE knows what THE TRUTH is. No one. We can only have ideas. And we can have an idea how close we are by how our lives are. The more unhappy our lives, the more clear it is that our ideas and beliefs are wrong.

Many people kid themselves that they believe such and such a thing because they' pass the buck to your upbringing or your church. Bigotry dwells in you nowhere else. Of course some people say they hold beliefs which deep down they are not comfortable with but they have been taught that they are bad if they disagree so they continue to spout the belief until such time as they have the courage to dissent, or until their own self- centredness becomes too much too bear. After all, when you get down to it, doing something or encouraging something you feel to be wrong, in order to curry favour with God is still wicked!

No Secrets

Shameless and her puppies are doing well. Past the 24 hour mark now and all are heavier than their birth weight. I have a brindle boy, a brindle girl, two brindle particoloured girls and two particoloured girls that may be gold parti's or brindle. Time will tell.

I did 100 laps in the pool today. I feel fine but my voice keeps going hoarse so I wonder if I am coming down with a cold. My colds normally start in the throat.

The eating is going okay. Am not totally comfortable with it yet. I think it will take a while to sort out. I was hungry last night and when i worked it out realised I had eaten half the cals I need! I also did not eat enough protein. this is what i shall have to watch-the natural tendency for me to under eat. Yes considering how fat I was, that sounds odd but it isn't when you understand the full picture and I am not ready to go into that yet. However, I am fairly sure that adding these low GI carb foods is going to be okay for me.

'We have no secrets,
we tell each other everything' wrote Carly Simon and as she discovered this is not good in a love relationship or even a friendship. That is the point of the song.

However, secrets are not healthy and it is preferable to not have any. I have no secrets. None at all. Someone knows everything there is to know about me. EVERYTHING. How I feel, how I think, what was done to me, what I did. That someone is not one person. No. Not at all. I have no secrets but no one person knows all of my stuff. That is important. Certainly John does not know everything. Some of it would hurt him. I have never wanted him to know the details of the sexual abuse.

The point to this is that secrets are not healthy at all.

The Journey

This was sent to me by a knitting friend as she rightly thought I'd identify with it. I am sure others will too.


The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver, 1935 -

Puppies!

This is Shameless and her first litter. Five girls and one boy, born between 9.15 am and 10.45am. She made no fuss and delivered these very quickly. She and they have settled down now. They were due on Wednesday.

Weird

I am rather p'd off. John has been away in Dublin and he didn't come home but when str8 to Belgrade. So I won't see him until weekend. It also means that my plans for a day out at the mall today have gone too. I won't be able to go for weeks now either as the puppies are due any time now and once they are born, no going out for long periods.

My swim went very well yesterday and today. Yesterday I did 100 laps and today I did 80. According to an online calories/swimming calculator thingy, a man my weight (182 lbs 84kgs approx) uses about 800 cals per hour. I do 80 laps in an hour. I checked it with several different sites and all said the same. It surprises me.

The new foods added to my diet are not causing me problems. My blood sugar has stayed stable, no funny turns, no hunger. Also no bad gut. I have been eating rolled oats Porridge for brekky and have added rice noodles to my stir fry meals, at least once a day. Last night I added whole wheat Pasta. No problems.

If my blood sugar remains stable and my weight does too (it has so far) I shall be very pleased. Not only will it give me more options when travelling and visiting, but it also means I can return to vegetarian fare. I will never return to being a 100% vegetarian but I can at least eat some of the meals I miss.

It is odd. The last few months of last year when I was so ill with the dumping of all that grief and anguish, I went off eating meat and started to eat a lot of fish which I had not done previously. I wasn't into fish at all. I ended up eating mainly fish. But still no carbs. I also discovered that my long term gut problem was IBS and I take drugs (Colofac) for that and it is solved.

Then as I started to come out of the grief, I started to feel hungry a lot and crave cigarettes again. I struggled with this for the last few months, still not eating carbs but constantly craving something. I discovered that although it felt like I wanted a fag, it wasn't a fag I wanted because I had one and still I craved.

Then this book smacks me in the face and I am now eating low GI carbs and am feeling good. I am not craving for anything either. I do think it is weird how for years I have not touched carbs except for the minuscule amount in veggies, and that made me feel better than I had ever felt. It took most of my gut problems away, solved my blood sugar level problems and generally made me feel really good. To then suddenly stop being right for me. Weird.

I have cast on a new pair of socks and now think I am fed up with socks for now and will concentrate on my Aran work and some machine knitting.

Marco adjusted

This is very much closer to the real colour of this sock yarn.

Marco

Knitted using Lorna's Laces Shepherd Sock yarn. 80% Superwash Wool, 20% Nylon. The colourway is called Tuscany.

This yarn has a beautiful handle which stays after washing.

I used a KnitPicks 2.25mm circular, knit both socks at same time on own needle. The design is my own and I utilized the Andersson Heel Mach 2 again.

I find it easier to keep count of rows if I use a stitch pattern, hence the cable. Even though I use a row counter too, I still get lost as I forget to turn the *(*&^% thing.

Shocking

Yesterday's swim and today's went well. I also managed to walk the dogs today. Am soon to go back to bed.

I am on day 3 of introducing new foods into my diet. It is going well. I have had a little gut discomfort, especially the aerated feeling and mild cramp,mainly in the morning. Nothing to get worked up about though. Oh and no hunger either.

Today I went to see an acquaintance to see if my socks would suit her feet. I got a shock when I saw her. She has the same condition as I do yet hers has progressed very rapidly. I saw an old crippled lady. It was awful. I really felt for her. Her head is bent forwards, her feet have gone as have her ankles. She is 13 years my senior. Yet 9 months ago she was not like this, she was just as I am now. Leaves me all the more determined to continue with the swimming and the diet and my emotional work. Hopefully I can stave off the worst for very long time. Arthritis is a real f***er.

There has been no rain today which is lovely. On my drive to the pool I get to see lots of our wildlife. Cranes, Barn Owls, pairs of white Swan, Rabbit and Hare, Badgers and Foxes. Some of it is roadkill.

I am a soppy sod. Yesterday, on the way there, a mother duck walked across the road followed by half a dozen baby ducks. It put a lump in my throat and fear into my belly. Thank goodness they crossed in front of me as I stopped for them, thus making the other side stop also.

On the tv, there was a news article about a rough and ready man who had raised an orphaned Crane and the piece was about him trying to teach the Crane, which followed him everywhere, to fly. It was a success and this too brought tears to my eyes. I think it was the combination of the vulnerable bird and this rough looking man who I would have crossed the street to avoid.

I see many rabbits on the side of road, eating on the verges. I hate it. I worry about them and tell them to stay off the road. They take no notice of me of course and I also see many squished ones.

On the way to a dog show in the early hours last July, I hit a Fox. I felt awful. It ran across the road in front of me and I managed to avoid it but in it's fright, it doubled back and there was nothing I could do to save it.
When i went to WELKS , a bird flew str8 into my windscreen. That upset em too but frightened me also. It came out of nowhere. It did not do any damage, just dirtied the windscreen.

Merino/Angora Garter Stitch Sweater

I knit this using the garter carriage on a Brother 940. It is my own design. The yarn is 75% Extrafine Merino and 25% Angora. I used 2 strands of 2/28, which equates to 2/14 weight and 700mtrs to 100gm.

Wet Wet Wet and GI

Did I mention it was dull and wet?

Did 80 laps in the pool today.

When we took the stuff to the charity shop, I found a brand new hardback book for 50p on the Glycemic Index. It is possibly one of those fortuitous finds. I am not sure yet. I have read it. It is written by bona fide scientists, not diet gurus.

The gist of it is that if I add low glycemic foods, foods that release their energy slowly, I ought not to have troubles with my blood sugar. Since I also take drugs for my gut, I may not be as affected by the carbs now either. Well,I am willing to give it a try. It certainly will make travelling easier as it opens up what i can eat more. Believe it or not, pasta is a low GI food.

Anyway, I have had a bowl of porridge for brekky. Rolled oats are low GI. It says it will keep my blood sugar level and I'll be fine until lunch time. We'll have to wait and see.

I must admit to finding this rather scary. I haven't eaten such foods for years, unless I have been forced too.

Bread, white, is still off the menu as is sugar. Basically, whole grain foods and pasta/noodles are on. The latter two are low GI because the process of making them into pasta noodles does something to them which makes them low GI.

I ought to know in a day or two if this is going to suit me. I hope it does as it will make life easier and cheaper!

Shameless is a week from delivering. She is getting more fussy about food. She is however happy with her new quarters and has nested.

By the end of today, I ought to have finished my angora / merino sweater. I am still messing about with this damned aran. I am starting again with fewer sts. Although really it isn't as I knew I was just knitting a large swatch. Worth it in the end. I have only had to redo once.

Basically I knitted a swatch of 164 sts and 22 rows. I washed it and dried it. I know the rows per 10cm now and how many sts to cast on for the size I want. That is it. Much simpler than knitting several little swatch or knitting a large piece you think is right only to discover it isn't an done already spent a week knitting it!

Dull and Wet

The weather, not me.

I did my 80 laps this morning. Afterwards, I felt surprisingly good. By the time I got home, I thought to myself that i felt barely any pain. None in fact, just a little discomfort. This has happened before and it is a weird feeling. By 1pm I was feeling rough and had my nap and now I feel like I usually do. I was really wanting a pot of Haagen Daz too but that passed.

We have set up the whelping bed and pen for Shameless. She is due Wednesday after next, but my bitches usually whelp 3-5 days early.It always amazes me how dogs instinctively know what is going on. she is now ensconced in the pen and is happy. She has been a real pain this last few days. Not eating, bad tempered. today she really have Millie a beating. Millie came running in and John picked her up and fussed her. Millie milked it for all it was worth and laid her head on his chest and started up into his face. you could almost see a single tear drop fall. Pathetic. Mind you, she wouldn't go through the door into the garden when she knew Shameless was out there.

We are still clearing stuff out. It takes time. it isn't as easy as I thought it would be either. I really do want to de clutter and get rid of all this stuff. I find it hard though. I just got rid of a load of sweaters i have made. Some by hand and others on the machines. They were the hardest to part with as they were 20 plus years old and in good condition but really I didn't care for them now and besides they are not up to my standards now. They laid in the pile to be taken top the charity shop for weeks and I finally did it yesterday.

About 8 pairs of very good shoes went too, Kickers and DM's. All size 9 and I am now a size 7.5. Who knew that feet lost weight too? The DM's were the hardest to let go of. Royal Blue and dear to me. Yet i haven't worn them for years. Why? Because they have a high leg and are lace ups. Even if I could manage to get them on and tie them, I'd never get them off gain. I could only wear them if John was around. So they all went to the charity shop too.

This room I am in now is cleared up enough to not leave me hemmed in and having to be careful where I put my feet. I can access the set up machines with ease and my PC.

I have spoken today with a person I know who has the same conditions as me. She is 62. She is now more or less housebound. There is always someone worse off. Speaking with her reminded me of how fortunate I am. It also scared me a little. I don't go there in my thoughts. I swim and keep active as much as I can so that I can pout off as long as I can the inevitable progression of my disease. Perhaps I can hold it at bay so that when I am 80 I am still as mobile.

I have eaten a lot of stir fries recently. Seafood and chicken ones. Today I used Quorn which is a mycoprotein. It was satisfying and nice, much better than soya protein veggie stuff. I don't think I would eat it this in anything other than a stir fry though.

I tend to go through phases with food. I am into to stir fries right now and eat them twice a day and have done for the last couple of weeks. It'll run it's course and I will go off them and get into something else. Talking about this at my Eating Disorder group just showed I am not the only one with and ED who does this. (I might add here that my ED is not a problem now and has not been for a long time but it is still there lurking and I can easily go off track if I don't stay aware. The urge to over or under eat is still there.)

I wrote a brief critique of Carly Simon's new album, This Kind Of Love, for Amazon. Critique is not a word I like but you get the idea. Anyway, when I went back to Amazon to read it again, I noticed a spelling mistake which still makes me laugh when i think of it. I mentioned one of the songs, 'People Say A Lot' but I wrote 'People SAT A Lot'. It tickles me now as I write this.

I am half way up the legs on the Lorna's Laces socks. I am also on new version of my forest green aran. I decided I did not like the other one so will frog it and continue with this version. Eventually this damn aran will get knitted!

Hope

Apart from to say I had a good day at the show yesterday(Micah 5th and Whitney 2nd) and feel like a bus hit me today, I didn't know what else to write. Below though is a copy of an email I sent in response to someone reaching out . I think this will suffice for my post today.


I understand how you feel, really I do. I have been there. I know that ache, that loneliness, that despair. The homesickness you feel is the need to be loved. We all need to be loved and especially by our parents. When we are not loved by them, for whatever reason, it leaves us feeling empty and bereft. More than than it leaves us feeling shame and guilt because we believe that it is we who are to blame, that is we who are unlovable. It isn't true of course but it takes a lot of work and time to understand this.

The reason you are treated the way you are is not because there is something wrong with you but because there is something wrong with your parents.

You are absolutely right, your parents are unlikely to change and it isn't up to you to change them. The person you need to pay attention to is you. It is you who needs loving and nurture and you need to find ways of doing this. We can love and nurture ourselves but we also need others. Clearly you have others in your life, like your Aunt, who is nurturing.

When we are treated so by our family, it makes it very difficult to feel nurtured or loved by anyone because we feel so unworthy. We don't trust because our primary relationship, our parents, has been destroyed by them. They are supposed to love and care for us, not make us feel so terrible we would rather not be here.

I know the pain you are suffering. I know it intimately and I suffered it for many years. However, I did get through it because I wanted to. It wasn't easy, not at all. It took much work and a willingness to really look at myself, where I came from and to go through the pain and come out the other side.

Today I am happy to be who I am. I accept my family as they are and were and I have nothing to do with them. Nothing at all. They have not changed. I don't hate them. I don't love them. I do wish them well, I don't feel badly toward them at all. But I leave them be.( I have two siblings and a father alive)

I know today that I was never the problem. That all the years of self harm and self hatred were based on the lie that I was a bad person. I was not, am not, and will not be.

YOU are not a bad person either. You are not weak, You are not stupid. You are not at fault.

You have been taught to think in a way that suits those that taught you but is very detrimental to you and your life. You can change that thinking but it cannot be changed overnight. It takes time and persistence and a little trust in somebody. The difficulty with being in your situation, just as it was with me, is that is not easy to sort out the good guys from the bad guys because the bad guys kept telling us they were the good guys! So we form relationships with people who are toxic to us. They are often just like those parents we had or have. They make us feel bad and we blame ourselves all over again.

You are worthy and lovable just because you are you. You don't have to earn it and you do not have to try to earn to love of people who clearly cannot give it.

There is much pressure in society for us to honour our parents, no matter what. It's bullshit. Biological connection with people is meaningless really. It's the love that counts. Clearly this relationship is toxic to you, makes you feel terrible. Leaves you feeling bereft and so lonely it is it almost unbearable. They have made you feel worthless and bad in your core. That is appalling and REAL ABUSE. It is possible too that in the absence of physical and or sexual abuse that this abuse of you was not conscious. That doesn't alter the effect on you.

You need to put YOU first now. No matter what. It is the only way you will learn to feel good about yourself, the only way you will come to realise that the problem is truly not you. Your parents are not capable of being different. The good news is they do NOT have to be different in order for you to feel different. You can live a wonderful life and feel good about you, be loved, love others and love yourself without them changing. You can be whole with out them. You ere a separate person to them. You can and will survive without ever having what you want from them.

It is normal to want their love and for them to value you and validate you. Of course it is. And it hurts worse than anything I know to not have it. However, there are times we just have to let go of that hope. The hope that one day they will take you in their embrace and say to you 'I am sorry, I love with all my heart and you are a wonderful person'. That is not going to happen. They cannot do that. And the reason they cannot do that lies with them. It is not because YOU have a problem.

The reason we have to let go of that hope is because whilst hope is a good thing, it can also be a bad thing. A hope such as this keeps us stuck where we are, in all that pain and misery. The day I let go of that hope was the day I truly embarked on my journey to freedom. Freedom from despair. Freedom from fear. Freedom from self hatred. Freedom from shame. Freedom from guilt. In short, it was the day I gave myself permission to find out who I was and just be that.

I no longer feel I have to please anyone. I no longer feel I have to be different in order to gain love and respect. I have only those who show me love and respect in my life. The rest I leave be.

I am old enough to be your father now but where you are is as keen in my memory as if it were yesterday. The memory of the misery and pain is as sharp as it ever was. It will always be so because it is where I came from and what makes me who I am today. The difference is that I am not living that misery and pain today, I am not mired in it. I am free of it. But it is still there, in my memory.

I have not forgotten as so many people do. They forget. They sweep it under the carpet. But it is still there. People say that children are resilient, they forget. Rubbish! We do not forget! Instead we repress the memories and the pain and we harm ourselves or others instead! These people who say 'I was spanked/hit as a child and it did me no harm', don't realise that one of the harms it did them was to make them think it is okay to hit children and thereby objectify them! We are turned into objects by those who abuse us. Our thoughts and feelings count for nothing. If we were not objectified but empathised with instead, they could not treat us like we were nothing.

So you will not forget either but you can, if you want, get through this. You can grow and blossom into you despite them. You do not need them in order to live and be you.

Take good care of you and if you want to write again, please feel free to.

As for reading, I would recommend Dorothy Rowe and Alice Miller. Miller wrote The Drama of Being a Child and Rowe has written on depression and other stuff.

As for medication, that is not my business at all. You must do what you feel is right for you and this is matter for you and your healthcare provider.

One Of Those Days

SWIMMING

Up as usual and went to the pool as usual. However, I felt rough, my left arm went numb again and I found it really hard to swim. Felt like I was in treacle. I didn't push it as I am going to a show tomorrow so I got out after only 36 laps. I now feel quite knackered but cannot go to sleep until this evening so that I sleep plenty before the show.

BEREFT

I had those feelings again this morning. I was listening to my Ipod in car and Spanish guitar music was playing. Made me feel bereft. Not sure why Spanish music has this effect. It either does that or makes me feel 'homesick' but for where I have no idea. I got to thinking, whilst in the water, about trust and how much difficulty I have with trust. Not surprising considering my primary relationships-parents and brothers- were all destroyed by betrayal. Once you know you cannot trust your family, trust becomes a really serious and difficult feeling to have. I am not sure I trust at all today, certainly not 100%.

HAPPY TIMES

Between leaving Singapore and going to Australia, I spent several months living in Gibraltar with my mum and two brothers. Although I know we were all there, I don't recall my elder brother at all during this period. Mt father was not with us. This was the happiest time of my childhood. No abuse from anyone. No being yelled at, shamed, name called, hit. No daily reminders of what a disappointment I was. Nothing. It was heaven.

It was not entirely without incident. I remember having a crush on a bearded man, who was probably about 20. Hard to tell as I was only 12. I went out for the day with him on my own. It was great. Until something happened which made me feel very ashamed. As we were walking up the sheer face of the Rock, I became ill and I vomited. I was mortified. I don't recall him saying anything at all but I was sure his reaction was one of disgust, just like my dad would have reacted. Of course this man probably did not react like that. I don't know. I never saw him again.

My younger brother and I were also befriended by two female teachers from the Channel Islands. I liked these two women very much. They were kind and generous. I do recall clearly being shocked at them not hiding nudity from us. We were in the shower and one of them came in to the bathroom, naked, and took a pee. Upon seeing my shock, she pointed out that there was nothing to be ashamed of in the naked human body. I do not know, even now, if this was appropriate or not but all in all this woman I recall fondly. She didn't hurt me and she didn't touch me. She treated me with respect and warmth.

The first day we were there, my younger brother and I went down to Camp Bay to swim. There was a sea pool on the beach, as well as the sea itself. I dived str8 into the sea pool and got a really painful shock. The water was freezing cold. Despite the hot temperatures. However, I was used to the very warm sea in Singapore and this was the Mediterranean and very much cooler. My skin felt like it was on fire. Really quite unpleasant.

Then it was over. We flew to England before flying a couple of months later to Australia. My father had met us at the airport. I recall vividly the way he greeted my mum, with an open mouthed passionate kiss which made my stomach churn. He barely said anything to us, his sons, and certainly did not hug us.

This brief time in England before setting off on what I was promised was our last move, was my first depression. Of course I had come from 4 years in a hot sunny climate to a dank dark and cold winter. My father was also back in my life.

We flew out to Australia in Nov 71. I was delivered str8 into the hands of a child pornographer. I have already written about him in a previous post. Of course, I wasn't delivered to him but it felt like that. I had hardly set foot on Ozzie soil before I was his victim.

Today, with the advent of the Internet, it bothers me that film and photographs of me may well be on child porn sites.

WHO KNEW?

I had no idea what I would do with a blog when I first set one up. Little did I know then that I would find what I had always wanted-an outlet for my story. Nor did I think I would have the courage to write it. I certainly did not know that I would benefit so well from it. Nor that it apparently helps others see their own demons.

I have often been encouraged to write a book of my life and I have always resisted the idea. I do so now especially. Memoirs of Misery have become so popular now that the supermarkets have given over a whole section to them. This makes me very uncomfortable. The only one I read was by David Peltzer. I had my doubts about that book, especially it's New Age message and it's insistence on forgiveness. The whole thing had an air of a story having been made up in order to sell a point of view. I hope I am wrong. I have no proof that I am right. Just my feelings of something not being right. However, he then went on to publish a string of books on abuse and then his brother got in on the act and I really did have strong doubts then. Then all these 'misery memoirs' started to appear and I realised they had become just another genre, like Thrillers, Horror, Romance, Crime etc. It makes me feel very queasy and I wonder at the people who lap these up. Perhaps some of them are as desperate as I was in looking for answers.

Perhaps I am a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. I do hope not. I do hope my writing here is not just another misery memoir. I still don't want to write a book. I think I reach more people read me here than would read a book . You'd have to go buy a book. This you get for free if you are fortunate enough to have net access. I also think it is clear that whilst I do indeed have my own view of things, I don't think I am pushing this view as 'the right way to think and if you were well enough you'd agree with me'! That is definitely the impression many such books, and New Age gurus, give.

I am not writing to convert anyone to my way of thinking. I am writing purely for myself. After years of silence, I feel free to tell it as I see it. I have no wish to debate with anyone. My ideas and views are fluid and I hope they remain so. Nothing is so dangerous as a closed mind. I know from the comments section that some people are offended by my ideas or object to them or disagree with them. I am only surprised more are not! However, I don't argue and I let the comments stand as they are. I don't censor. I also do not as a rule, argue a point, and only comment on a comment sometimes, to clarify my own point, not to try and change someone else's' point of view.

If someone is helped along their path by what I share here, I am pleased. I doubt very much it will stop an active abuser or indeed change anyone with a closed mind, fundamentalists for example.

The more aware we are, the less fear we have, the less misery we create.

Stop That Shrink!

I awoke, as I am wont to do, at 5.30am, half an hour before the alarm is set to go off. So I got up. Let the dogs out, fed them, than sat with my sock knitting, took my drugs and coffee. Then it was off to do another 80laps of the pool. Home again. Bathed Nechung. More knitting. Watched the last ever episode of DEAD LIKE ME.

It has not been a bad at all pain wise. I do find it very irritating that I suffer so much with the dropsy. I bought a plastic stone effect bowl the other day and I now use that for salads and stir-fries. At least when I drop that it won't smash. I am pleased to say that so far my coffee glasses are still intact. Funny, how the cheaper ones have survived this long whilst my two expensive ones lasted about 10 days before an attack of the dropsy smashed them to smithereens on my kitchen floor. There are times I cannot open a bottle of diet cola. At the SKC show I had to ask the woman sitting next to me to do it for me!

I knew at least one person would have objections to Dr Dorothy Rowe. Of course many do. She doesn't agree that depression or manic depression (and other 'illnesses' ) are biological which can be treated with drugs. No she believes it is our experiences and how we interpret them, in other words, how we think and have been taught to think, which causes these. Undoing all that is very hard, very painful, and very hard work. It is not surprising to me that anyone who dares suggest this route rather than the 'magic pill I have a biological problem' route, is going to be lambasted. I used to be one of those people who believed what the Dr's said. I had a brain problem and would be ill the rest of my life and have to take psych drugs forever, which may well shorten my miserable life anyway. There was this tiny little, teeny weeny really, voice in me though that baulked at such a diagnosis and eventually that voice got louder and louder and was took over once I knew I had good reason to think I could be cured.

Oh if the pills and potions had worked, I would not be here now as I am. I would be living in fantasy land, still believing my childhood was healthy and normal, that it was my fault, that I was a bad person and had a brain malfunction to boot! Now that was an easier thing to think when I had no support.

The pain and effort of doing the work are enormous but worth it.

I used to get so manic that 30mg of valium, 400 mg of chlorpromazine (Largactil) and whatever else would not stop it. Haloperidol (Haldol?) was another which failed but made me hallucinate and have crawling skin, streaming eyes, drooling mouth and vertigo. I used to get so suicidally down that nothing penetrated. I have known so many depressed people on anti-depressants and all of them were depressed despite being on the pills for years! No matter which one was tried, none of them ever made a jot of difference to me. Lithium didn't work. It is a foul and dangerous drug but I needed it, I was told. It did nothing for my moods. It didn't make me feel batter about me. It didn't wipe out my past. It didn't show me how being abused was not my fault. It didn't show me how I was not at fault at all, that there was nothing wrong with me but with those who treated me so badly. No pill ever did that for me. If only it had, I would have been saved a lot of grief.

I think there is an awful lot invested in keeping people believing they have a biological reason for feeling so bad. It suits the power hungry and the abusers to keep the abusees in their place.

I have met many many Psychiatrists in my life and without a doubt none of them had a clue. They shared a few traits in common one of which was arrogance and the other was ignorance. None of them ever showed the slightest interest in me, how I felt, or thought or how I had grown up. They were not at all interested in my suffering. They were merely interested in how to get the mix of drugs right so I would shut up and fit their theories and behave and they could then point at me and show the world how clever they were. Oh and i had the best. I was under two of the world's renowned experts in eating disorders. To me they were renowned prats (idiots) who knew f*ck all about it and whose methods were abusive. Needless to say, I left their 'care' with more problems and pain than I entered with.

Caveat: there is a biologically sound reason for what is commonly called Winter Blues. Lack of light affects hormones-those which send us to sleep and wake us up and effect mood. many people are affected negatively by lack of light. There is a cure: Move to a country near the equator. Failing that, buy yourself a light box and use it for 20 mins a day during the no light days and months. However, even this will take any issues you may have away!

Tomorrow I shall go for my swim and then bath Micah and Whitney ready for Southern Counties. I shall be in bed by 7pm and up at 2AM to leave by 4AM.

I am halfway through another pair of socks, both at once. I am again using Lorna's Lace Shepherd Sock yarn. I really like this yarn for handle and colour but I am rather tired of its' boring striping effect. I wish it would pool or something. I have enough for 2 or 3 more pairs in 2 or 3 different colourways but I think that will be with this yarn, as nice as the handle and wear is. I just find the striping too dull.

Tyrol Socks

THE YARN

Bergere de France - Cablenyl - Colour: Cannelle

THE NEEDLE

KnitPicks 2.25mm - one circular needle.

TENSION (GAUGE)

38 / 50 10 cm ( 9.5 / 12.5 pi)

THE PATTERN

My own toe up twisted stitch design.

THE HEEL

My own Andersson Heel Mach 2.

I knitted both at same time. Yarn came in 50gm balls and much to my surprise both were the same length!

Bi-Polar : my answer

The amazing and important thing here---what caused you to “turn around” so to speak? And how do you control your mood swings and thoughts without meds?

I find this very hard to explain. I really don't know why I succeeded and others didn't. I really really wanted to recover, I never gave that up. I think that in a perverse way, because I believed it was all my fault, I found it easier to look at myself and not baulk at stuff I read or was told.

I found 12 step groups helpful, though they do have their down side for very vulnerable people. However, they were a lifeline for me. I did find an excellent therapist whom I saw for 5 years. He committed to me 24/7 until I didn't need him any more. It was not a traditional 50 minute hour sessions only. If I needed him at 3am, I got him. He never once told me what was wrong with me. He listened and pointed out my seriously flawed thinking and that was it. He gave me the space to discover and grow without judging me. I also read as much as I could. I found Alice Miller and Dorothy Rowe to be the most helpful.

Dorothy Rowe really changed me. It was reading her that gave me my epiphany. Reading her explanation of how we create meaning from our experience and how all we, any of us, have to go on is our ideas and the meanings we create. AND HOW WE COULD CHANGE THOSE IDEAS AND MEANINGS. It was that that truly awakened me and pulled me out of Hell. I would recommend her above all else. (She is an athiest, which I might agree with her on, and she believes that death is the end-I don't agree on that - but please don't let that put you off.) In fact I'd go as far as to say I think she should be mandatory reading for all teenagers in school. The powers that be will not like that though so it won't happen.

Oh and for me, I use a light box during the winter months and that has stopped the depressions I always got during that period.

I believe I don't get manic any more because I have nothing to run from. I don't get depressed because I think differently now but also because of the light box. I am sure that for me, there was a physical component to the depression-the lack of light. The reasons are scientific and well documented. And of course, as i don't manic, i don't experience the let down and exhaustion brought on by the mania ending which was another motor for the depression.

So this is the best short explanation I can give for being able to live without mood medicine. This plus what I have written and will continue to write on my blog.