SO THAT'S WHY!

I love to go away.  Yet I have only done so on regular basis since 2002. I went once in 1997 and I did a road trip on my own to the United States. Although it was very exciting it was also the very worst time I can remember because I was in such a state with full-blown PTSD and not understanding why.

 Each time before we go away I start to get very anxious and I start to think of all sorts of reasons why we should not go. In fact prior to 2002 this is exactly what I used to do which is why we didn't go away. It was never an issue with money. In fact financially it would have been much easier to have gone away and to have stayed five-star every time had we chosen to because we had very little in the way of living expenses as our home came free because of my disability.

However, it was not to be. I gave up all idea of going away.

It was my love of the dogs that eventually got me going away. I used to find going away very exciting. I was always on my own all I was with adult and John was at home and he was looking after the dogs that were here. I used a telly phone him every day if not twice a day. So you see my fear of going away was negated by the fact that he was still at home with the dogs

No, the problem was all of us going away. This set off very old alarm bells. I moved constantly when I was a child and the lie that I was always told was that my friends my pets my home would all still be there when I got back. I never got back. I was always heartbroken. And I never had any comfort. Because I had no right to be upset. I was a sissy for being upset. I therefore learn to hide my heartbreak.

Unfortunately, what I also did was learn to disassociate. I never allowed myself to get emotionally involved with anybody or anything. It didn't always work but for the most part it did. As a result I was a very lonely child and teenager. The fact that I will serve nerd or a dork or just the sort of child but no one wanted to associate with made it easier because then I didn't have any friends to lose.

Well today as I was writing about the fact that we are away on holiday on Saturday and how nervous I was about it, it suddenly came to me why I go through this fear every time we go away. The fear is only there if we both go away. If John stays at home then my fear is assuaged although not completely because I then have to wonder if he will be there when I get back. However that fear is not as great.

When I write about such insights I do not wish to give the impression that I am miserable  and in bits.  Far from it. I am excited about going away. I am also excited that I have finally understood why I have a fear of doing something that I really want to do. I find these little discoveries exhilarating because it is yet another nail in the Coffin of my past yet another way in which its power over me today has been diminished.

I also share it because as you know that the main reason for me writing my blog is that it helps others to understand their own issues. I must apologise I have just lied. The main reason for me writing my blog is because it helps me feel better and it helps me understand my past and my present better. I only found out after writing my blog for some time that in doing so I was helping other survivors. So forgive me for writing that it was my main reason for writing this blog it is not. I am very glad that you gain something from my ramblings but it is an outright lie to say that I write solely for that reason. No, the fact that it helps you is a blessed side effect.  I could not be happier that by baring my soul on here has such a good effect upon other people. You will never know how good that makes me feel. But I never lose sight of the fact that I am writing this blog for myself. I learn about myself as I write. Although I wasn't writing on this particular blog I was writing when I suddenly made the connection between the leaving for the holiday and the constant leaving of my childhood.  Be experience of the latter explains the fear of the former. Now that this has been brought to light experience tells me that it will take care of itself.

Peter Kay Misheard Lyrics

MY HUSBAND THE SAINT

My husband never ceases to astonish me. He is very patient kind and loving.

We had been to a barbecue on Sunday. In the early hours of Monday morning I awoke with a very bad case of the shakes.  And the sheiks are very violent shivering and they hurt. I woke up and he held me until they stopped. The next time I woke he wasn't in bed. It was late. He had done what was necessary to do with the dogs including feeding the puppies. He then came upstairs with my drugs draw and woke me up and told me I needed to take my drugs. He had also thought to bring up four bottles of flavoured water. Once I had taken my drugs I just went back to sleep again.

I eventually got up at 6 PM and he was there with both my walking sticks and his hands on my elbows because I was very wobbly and kept falling over or rather would have fallen over had he not got hold of me.

He brought me down and sat me in front of the TV and made me a coffee. He asked me if I wanted to eat or rather told me that I should eat so to appease him I hate some ham and a piece of cheese. Within a couple of hours I had gone back to bed.

John has had to put up with me and my health problems for many years now and he never complains. I am very rude to him, can be extremely bad tempered, I throw things, not at him I might add, but I am very continental in my temperament and I like to smash things when I am in a tizz. Of course I'm not like this all of the time and I'm also very affectionate and loving and I also do everything that I can for him.

 I am in awe of him.  Not only would I find it very difficult to have to physically look after somebody as much as he does me but I really don't think that I could take the badtemperedness  and the rudeness.  In fact I am sure I would find it frightening.  I am fairly certain that this is why he never reacts to me in a way that he knows would frighten me. Just another way in which he really does think of me. He understands my past and its effect upon me and so he would understand that certain behaviour towards me would frighten me and would cause serious trust issues between us. This of course makes me feel even more guilty for the fact that  I treat him so badly at times.  In my defence it can be extremely difficult to remain civil when one is in during unrelenting pain and/or fatigue.  However, I am more than well aware that this is no excuse for abusive behaviour and so when I behave really rudely I always apologise. I'm not exactly sure that apologising is enough and the ideal would be to not be rude at all but I can't see me ever succeeding at that.

So this is all that this post is going to be about. My wonderful husband who has stuck by me for 32 years now. Our anniversary is on the seventh of the seventh 2013. It will also be exactly one year after we went through our civil partnership which we fully intend to convert to a full-blown marriage as soon as the law has finished its passage through Parliament.

I have never met anybody who has disliked John. And they nearly all say what a calm and gentle man that he is. I agree completely.

DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ

 Since I had decided to withdraw somewhat from the Internet I have been feeling so much better. I had found that being immersed in all of the news articles I read which were linked to me by well-meaning friends or just friends from Facebook gave me a very slewed view of what was going on in the world.

I came to believe that the maturity of the world were hateful homophobic racists and that I was surrounded by them. These articles of course had comments allowed and so I got involved in leaving comments which in turn had comments left and which I interned replied to ad infinitum.

I did eventually stopped the commenting or at least I left my comment and then I did not go back as I had no wish to get into arguments.

However this still left me with the erroneous view that the vast majority of people were hateful bigots. I received the following hateful and ignorant letter from a from a  person who then  said tehy knew I would be hurt t=but they were going to defriend me!


"I am lost for words over your writing and rants against me and my kind!!!! as you put it. (This is my writing about how furious I was at those , soem friends, who would vote away my legal rights to line their pocket)
What have we done to deserve it ..............I ask you!!!
Well the answer is simple really.....
We work 24 hours a day seven days a week to keep ourselves, our families and you!!
We never claimed benefits preferring to do whatever it takes to earn a decent living to look after our families and ourselves and to pay our taxes , yet we are at the mercy of those like yourself, that would run us down and make judgement against us.
I have absolutely no problem with contributing to society and the needs of it, however, I do object to the abuse it can throw in my direction for doing so.
I do object to you having me on your friends list and using me to ram your thoughts, political or otherwise down my throat as a thank you for the support I give.
Where do you think your benefits come from..........some politicians pocket.........no...it comes from mine!! and THE MAN IN THE STREET!! that you are happy to run down for being what we consider decent and normal..........(There we have it she is normal because she si heterosexual!)
I have many heterosexual, bi sexual and gay friends. They are friends, I don't see them by their sexual orientation, but as good honest human beings, leading a full and productive life and contributing to society and the world around us, as do many others.(She just doesn't see them as normal)
You have obviously had a traumatic upbringing and every decent human being would have sympathy towards you..........(utter tosh-no one with any empathy would have written such a vile and cruel letter)how much more productive would it be to seek out organisations or individuals going through the same trauma that you did and offer help and support to them. How much more benefit to mankind would be the hours you put into having a go at us, have on an individual needing time and love and support from someone that has gone through what you say you have be to them.(How arrogant can you get? She knows NOTHING about my work with the abused 24/7. Would she put herself out there so publicly as an childhood raper surivivor who parents hated her? No she wouldn't have the balls))
We all have our own personal demons to deal with, cruelty and emotional problems inflicted on us as children and adults, it is what we choose to make of those moments in our lives and how we move on from them. (once again she has the arrogance to write as if she knows me and clearly knows nothing about me)
There always comes a time of understanding of the people that inflicted them, our responses and how we can rise from the ashes they wished to create. (out of the mouth of the ignorant again. I HAVE risen out of the ashes. As for understanding people mwho hate their children, I admit to failing that.))
Since I have been back in the UK I see at shows those that claim and abuse the Disability and Mobility Allowance and have cars etc provided for them by the tax payer, and all the support that is rightly afforded to someone that has complete mobility problems, claiming for helpers etc.
How do they justify, getting up in the early hours, preparing their dogs the same day or the day before, and if it is a coated breed bathing and grooming for hours on end, bending over baths, twisting and turning, using back muscles, shoulder muscles, leg muscles etc etc, bending down to poop scope, spinal cords in operation here, plus supporting muscles.
The exercise that is needed for a dog to be at its prime, walking or running it according to the breed, week in week out. More than a normal office worker would use.
The energy to get up in the early hours, drive for miles , unload a car, load a trolley, pull a loaded trolley, sometimes over the worst terrain, push the bonds of energy and strength, not to mention a day travelling and showing at a show......
Then they run around the ring..............bend over almost to touch their toes...........and say HEY...............I AM DISABLED!! Sorry but if you can do all this you are not DISABLED or IMMOBILE!!!
Does not all this sound more like the commitment of an athlete..............
Oh I forgot they are on medication. would not the same medication be able to help them work!!!!
Take a look in a hospital word...........see the true disabled and immobile......
(This really shows how bitter and jealous and ignorant she is and show she does NOT know me. None has ever seen me run in the ring, many have seen me fall in the ring, many have been kind enough to keep me on my feet. PLUS she has no idea if I am in receipt of DLA or not. All assumptions made from bitterness and jealousy. Why? Maybe because I have a husband of 32 years who loves me and who takes care of me and she has no one.)
MAKE A DIFFENCE USE THE ABUSE YOU HAD............get out there and talk to the young help them with your experiences...........who better than someone that is gone through it....... (Now this is true ignorance and arrogance talking-I have spent years raising money, travelling the country talking, until my diseases stopped it, and I still daily answer emails and suggest healing resources to the hundreds who write to me.How dare she assume I I do nothing?)
So I say......do not sit in judgement of those that you do not wish to judge you !!!!!!!!! (Precisely!)

Why did I not just dump this email? Well, for one, this person is charming. I wanted a constant remeinder to never fall for her wicked charms again. It has taken this long to find the answers I wanted to respond with. Her homophobia and her bigotry toward the disabled could not be more obvious nor could her ignorance of both.

The letter really really hurt me. It shocked me. I had no idea it was coming. I was shocked from whom it came. The venom it displayed toward me is truly astounding. It is the letter of a narcissist. I am only glad I found out early on what they were like because I could easily have grown to love this person and then get hit by this which would have been far more painful. If  I deleted this email I might never remember that it was sent and could easily be convinced that it didn't say what it did.

 I did not expect to include this letter in this article but it is fitting because it came during that very dark time when I believe that the world was full of hateful bigots and this letter did nothing to contradict that.

I know that people like this exist but they are not the majority.

So you see that for many months I was immersed in reading hateful article is about hateful people in the news and thinking that this was the majority of what was going on around me. It is not. Journalists like nothing better than a good controversial story so they flood us with them. In turn this can make us feel that our world is very much worse than it actually is. I am not kidding when I say that I was completely shocked at the passing in Parliament and the House of Lords with such a huge majority of the same-sex marriage Bill. To also then discover that the vast majority of the British public are in favour of marriage equality was also a real eye-opener.

So since I have dropped all this negative shit out of my life, as best I can, I have not only been happier, I have lost more weight, I am not constantly craving food, and I am being much more creative, I have just finished hand knitting a pair of socks and I have just finished machine knitting a cashmere and cotton sweater which I am in the process of selling up and I have died half a dozen hanks of yarn. (My speech to type does not differentiate between die and die  but I know that my readers are intelligent enough to know what I mean.) I am much less of a bear to live with and I no longer feel that the Nazi jackboots are about to kick my adoring and haul me off  to a concentration camp.  however I am not so stupid as to think that this could not happen if the evil bigots grew vastly in number and power and iamb not stupid enough to think that many who know me would allow them to.

But for today this is not happening and full today I am happy and iamb living life to the very best of my ability f*cked body and all.

FABULOUS FANNY AND ALEXANDER

I am thrilled to report that Fanny, Tantra's Fabulous Fanny, has relented. Tonight at ring craft she did precisely what she is supposed to do. She walked, strutting, head held high, tail wagging. We had an argument on Monday, which I won, and it seems she now accepts that I really am the boss. She had a bath on Monday. One of many. However, she didn't want a bath and she went berserk. Literally. If John had not been here I don't know what I would have done. I only just managed to keep hold of her but she sent bottles and glasses and water everywhere. She was like a whirling dervish. I had her by the scruff and I did NOT let go. Eventually she relented. Then when I went to dry her, she started again. I held her firmly and she stopped struggling and decided to scream instead. When I still didn't let her go, she again relented. Although she wasn't perfect at ring craft tonight, she almost was and it was the first time she did as asked, which is only to walk on a lead. I am sure she did it because she now knows I will not give in to her. In 40 years I have never had one as stubborn as she. Mind you, she is also very loving and she will lick you spotless given the chance. Yet she is very weird. She will not eat in her crate with the door closed. She will refuse to eat for a week, seriously, and will not relent. So she is fed just outside her crate. Her limit for sleeping in it is 5 hours. I cannot have disturbed nights as mu nights are bad enough as they are so she has her crate door left open. She has figured out what the newspaper is for. There are soem battles not worth fighting. 

I cannot wait to bring both Fanny and Alexander out. I am thrilled with them both. Alexander is just so very different. I have never had to train him. It seems he just knew what to do. he is a very happy dog. One cannot fail to notice him. Not just the striking black and white coat but his whole attitude. He such a sweet natured boy. It also seems that i may not have to get down with him in the ring. He self stacks and stands when asked. This will be a great help to me. Getting up and down in the ring is the most difficult part for me and is when I am likely to topple over. Mind you, i will still have to for the others but he I think will be perfectly fine without me kneeling.

I can't believe my luck in getting these two. I planned this breeding a few years ago and I was lucky enough to be able to follow through. When their parents were mating, I told them I wanted a black and white dog and a black bitch, show quality please. Look what I got! Serendipity I think is the word.
Now of course we shall have to wait and see how they grow and develop. At 5 months nothing is certain. Especially not in this breed.

CHOOSING LIFE

  So this is what I have been doing today. I knitted the back and front and collar of this sweater. The yarn is 2/28 and a cashmere and cotton mix. The sweater is going to be for myself. When it is finished I will photograph it so that the colour is more true to life. It is a lovely orange.

Above are some yarns that I have dyed.  These will go into my Knitman's Kitchen shop.

   Those who have read my blog on a regular basis know that I have written extensively about my life and about recovery from childhood trauma, namely physical emotional and sexual abuse. I am able to do this without it having a negative effect upon myself. In fact I find my interaction with other people who write to me as a result of what they read on my blog to be very positive.

 However, what I am not good at is debating or campaigning  or constantly reading about the terrible things human beings do to human beings.

Recently an idea had begun to float around in my mind that perhaps reading all the articles that people posted on Facebook or sent to me directly was perhaps not good for me. Then a friend mentioned in passing that perhaps it wasn't a good idea that I got so involved. Then much to my surprise my husband said very forcefully to me that he thought it was my involvement  in this that was causing me to have difficulties in my own life. He felt that I was just constantly reliving the pain of my past.

About 10 days ago I quite simply stopped. I stopped reading articles. I stopped commenting on articles. I ignored racist comments. I ignored homophobic comments. I ignored religious fundamentalists.

As a result, I find myself much more at peace and in a much better mood! It wasn't actually that easy because I felt that I was burying my head in the sand by doing this and that I was somehow betraying abuse survivors and those who are still being abused. Strangely writing about the subject on my blog or replying to the heartbreaking letters that I get does not cause me any difficulties at all. I feel that I am giving to these people that which has helped me. This way of helping helps me. However debating and campaigning and constantly speaking up is not for me. I am unable to do that and remain detached at the same time.

John very rarely says anything to me forcefully nor does he give his opinion unasked.  The fact that he did certainly made me listen  and because I trust him I was able to see that what he was saying was true. I recalled leaving the forum about a year ago precisely because it unsettled me greatly. I was thus able to see what John was talking about. However, I felt that to stop doing what I was doing was betrayal but having spoken it through with John and I realise that that is not the case.

Consequently I find I have more time for myself and doing the things that I enjoy doing like knitting and dyeing yarn and just being with my dogs. I play with them and talk to them and take care of their needs. I find I am much lighter  in mood.

John and I also discussed my medications. I have had a hard time accepting my use of painkillers since I started in 2007. Prior to that I just lived with the pain and to be frank I have absolutely no idea how I managed that. It wasn't until I took my first dose of painkiller that I realise just how much pain I had been putting up with. Yet I've never really been able to shake the ideas that I'm doing something I'll not to be doing. I constantly worry about whether the drug is killing the pain or altering my mood. When I spoke about this with my doctor she laughed and she said I should hope it does alter your mood! She said of course you are feeling like you are high because you are not in pain. She said you only had to look at my face. But she assured me that my changing countenance was due to a lack of pain.  However, I have not really come to terms with this.  I give myself a hard time about it as a result. So anyway, the other day I said to John that I really did not like being dependent upon drugs. His response was that he understood that but that I had a choice. I take the drugs and have a life or I don't take the drugs and go back to not having a life. He is right. Without drugs I could not go to dog shows. I could not even take care of the dogs. I could not go to Tesco let alone go out for the day. Holidays would be out of the question. 

Prior to 2007 I did these things but with great difficulty. I was also a very difficult person to be around and to live with. And of course since 2007 my disease has progressed somewhat so there is no going back!   Perhaps I will come to terms with this though it would help if I could figure out  exactly what it is about medication for pain that bothers me. I have absolutely no qualms at all about taking my heart and my gut medication. I am fairly certain it is not a roundabout way of not accepting my disease. I think I have a good attitude with regard to that and I know that there is no cure and that it is progressive and that I get worse as time goes on. I never find myself sitting feeling sorry for myself about that or even sitting and giving it much thought at all.  from the moment I understood my condition I never thought "what if?" I didn't go running around looking for cures. No instead  I gradually found ways of living with it and making my life easier-walking sticks, wheelchair, electric bed, memory foam pillows-and losing weight.  None of those things bother me. The drugs do. I am uncertain as to why. I have deliberately not taken them and the way that I felt was absolutely no different to the way that I always felt. In other words I didn't feel anything other than dreadful and much pain. Just like I did for the years leading up to finally agreeing to take pain medication. So why cannot I not feel comfortable taking them?

MY HUSBAND'S LATEST PAIR

These socks were knitted for my husband, John.

I used 2.25mm Chiao Goo needles. I knitted them toe up using my own Andersson Tow Up Method. The yarn is one I picked up in a German hypermarket named GLOBUS.

 The design is my own using st st and garter stitch.

I used the Andersson Heel Mach II with a varied gusset.