Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Shaky Start

Today did not start off well. I was overwhelmed again. However I seem to be past the worst of it. The last two weeks have been getting better daily.

My stomach is still very sensitive and starts to act up when I get tired and them the anxiety builds and so does the stomach distress and so the anxiety builds and the stomach gets get the picture I am sure. So when it gets like that, as it did this morning, I resort to half a 5mg valium and it soon settles my stomach and then I stop feeling anxious because if the valium stops the stomach then I can't be dying....this is f***ing awful basically.

I am embarrassed by it. It makes me feel like a big wimp. I am so close to tears a lot of the time. From what I have read, it is going to take quite a while for my body to stop sending out panic mode messages which is what is causing the stomach distress. I am through the grief as far as I am aware and this is just the body readjusting itself. All the info I have had from the Dr and other sources have all explained very well what trauma does to the body and why I get the symptoms I do and what is causing them in the way of hormones and other chemicals. It really does help me if I understand what is happening. Okay so knowing that my body is being flooded by hormones when I am stressed does not always help to allay the fear but it does mostly.Today's episode was the first after a good few days of feeling much better.

I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was having panic attacks like those I know because I would just go for a walk and it would all calm down and stop and that would be that.(I think I don't have them now because of my heart medications. Speaking of which, my blood pressure was 113/59 last evening!) This is much more difficult to deal with.(Meaning how my grief presented itself this time, thru my stomach.)

I love coffee. Either decaff or not. I have a bean to cup machine so have real coffee only. I have one ordinary coffee when I awake and one later in the afternoon and the other 1 or 2 coffees are decaff. I think I am going to stick with just decaff for a while until my body has stopped messing me about.

It is 3 weeks tomorrow until we go to Germany for Xmas and I WILL NOT accept still having this problem for that trip.

Swimming: I have cut down my days and am doing it every other day for now. It was suggested to me that I ought to stop pushing myself so hard. I didn't know what that meant really as I find it hard to know what is being lazy and what is being sensible. Anyway, I got up for my swim the other day and felt so tired and unwell I knew not to go though I had to argue with myself for a good half hour before common sense prevailed. So anyway, I have found myself more tired recently and I have found that my symptoms of distress come on when I am tired so...I didn't go swimming today.

I have got the 7 puppies to bath today as we are off to show them to the stud owner.


Anonymous said...

I am sure you'll be fine for your trip. I am having a modeatly good time right now, but I keep going by having cheerful thoughts of spending Christmas in Germany. Funny Coincidence really. Have fun bathing the puppies :-) We gave out bitch a bath a few month back, she must have really enjoyed it because now she squeezes in the bathroom evey chance she gets and looks longingly at the tub :-)

Anonymous said...

As my technology consultant used to tell me at work when the network was acting up badly: Breathe in, breathe out. It sounds stupid, but just thinking those words, even today, helps me when I am just about out of my head with fear or worry.

I enjoy your posts on the groups in Ravelry.

Anonymous said...

You'll beat me to Germany by a week. We're only going over to Hessia on the 20th :-) So you win!

About the baby norgi, I am gobsmacked myself that it worked. I didn't think I had the neccesairy skill. Superwash doesn't particular lend itself to steeks, still my wonky handsewn steek didn't unravel at all. Actually I was really surprised how stiff and reliable it appeared. Come on give it a go. I know you'll create something stunning :-)

Anonymous said...

Regarding panic attacks, I remember having them for quite some time with the stomach stuff along with them. I remember trying to read that someone got over them, so here you go. I got over it eventually and you will as well.

I'm not a doctor or anything, but I think part if it was my body purging all the emotions I had stored up.

Prayers/good thoughts are going to you.


Anonymous said...

Colin, there is some truth in this not pushing yourself too much. I go to the gym in the mornings and go at the moment four times a week, when I don't have college I go five times. They warned me off going everyday, saying I need to give my body time to recover, so ideally need two full rest days a week without doing exercise. I suppose there are those who do sport for a living and I guess they exercise everyday, but I am confident that they are in much better shape than I am!

Herzblut said...

decaff sounds good! Be good to yourself.....treat yourself to some wool..... ;)

Ellen said...

Hey, Colin--thanks for the compliment on my socks. I feel honored! that you liked them. I have been reading your blog for some time now-yes, I am a lurker!

Ellen (from Socknitters/livejournal)