Thursday, January 30, 2014


It has been a very difficult time for me recently. For quite a number of months. I just don't seem to be able to shift this depression.

Oh I can still put on my act when I go to the supermarket and dog shows. A lot of the time I just do not want to be there and would rather be under my duvet.

Yesterday went for my swim and I did consider whether I'll to before I went but decided I was only feeling down and that swim would do me good. I was wrong. I only just managed to do half of my normal session and practically had to be carried to the changing room. The good side of this is once again it shows how good the staff are at the pool that I use. And it was made very clear to me that if I was not out within 15 minutes they would be coming in. I was extremely wobbly and my balance mechanism was extremely dodgy. Once I'm in the car I am perfectly all right because I'm sitting down and I don't have to balance anything. Twice I have had the police called on me because a good minded citizen and I'm not being sarcastic, has called the police because they have seen a staggering man getting into a car and driving off. Of course they are going to think that I'm drunk.

I just feel very fed up. Just going to the bathroom is a major event. If we go out for any length of time like to dog show or to visit friends or to spend the day in a mall I have to take tablets to stop my bowels working so that I do not need to go to the bathroom and, this is really weird, a diuretic which you would think would have me peeing all day long but it has the opposite effect. Ever since I started taking the diuretic I have been so relieved because prior to that I was having to go to the loo every 20 minutes or thereabouts and waking up in the night several times. Now when I go I pee  at least a litre at a time and therefore much less often. This really is a good thing for me. It is not what I expected from taking the pill.

And then there is getting out of bed. If the post arrives early and they need my signature and I'm still in bed there is no chance that I will get downstairs in time to answer the door. I press one button to get my back completely upright I turn and then press another button that list my bum up until my feet on the floor and I'm stood upright. This is pretty amazing really but it can also be very frustrating.

I feel guilty for moaning about all this. I want to be able to do the things I want to do when I want to do them.

I've been worried a lot about the dog shows recently. I wonder how much longer I can deal with them. It isn't the dog show itself but the aftermath which is extremely painful on the day after dog show and the day after that I still have to do laze about and do nothing.

Yet I look at how lucky I to have all of the things that I have starting with John and the dogs,  a house that suits us very well and the state-of-the-art hi-fi system and computers that we wanted. I do try and concentrate on that but recently it has been very difficult.

I am worried about my dogs.  I have got to the point where I need to amalgamate my two lines. This has been the whole point all along.  yet at the moment I only have one bitch, Megan, and one of these puppies that are not old enough to tell how good they are. But keeping puppies from this letter already gives me enough dogs to take care of and I can't show all of them. I realise that I can show one and when it is either made up or I give up with it I can then take out the one that's been waiting at home for its chance and it will be mature so go straight into open..

I know there are people who think I have too many dogs because of my disease but they don't take into account the time here all day and I have drugs and now that I have changed my grooming routine it is very much easier. I have gone back to the old-fashioned way of daily grooming and at the moment I only have to groom four day and it really doesn't take very long at all and most of all it doesn't hurt. I have yet to see how long I can go between baths with those that her groom every day. Of course I use a spray on their coats because one must never groom a dry coat. But I'm not stupid and I know when I have too many dogs to cope with. And then it will be a matter of trusting others with my  line.

I am of the opinion that if you sell a dog to somebody then all the decisions regarding that dog belonged to the person who bought it and it is no longer my business so I would never sell a dog expecting that person to breed it the way I want it bred. So  high would have to be sure that I have done what I wanted to do first. But anybody who would be looking for a suitable show dog come breeding dog might well strike lucky with me.

I would love to get to the point of the breeder I know who keeps just one bitch and reads a letter and gets a champion every time because they have worked for very many years developing their line. I'm speaking of the Kutani line. I don't have that many years left to get to that point but I'm producing really well in each letter I am getting high quality stock but as I say I have to amalgamate first before I can cut down.

It amazes me what I end up writing about. I did not do myself any favours last night by eating wheat products. I very rarely do because I know the trouble it causes me but sometimes when I feel bad it's very hard to not reach out for comfort and that the time I'm eating it it is very comforting and it also makes me fall into a stupor and I sleep very well. I needn't tell you the effects  it causes me the next day! You'd think I had been out drinking all night because I feel so hung over.  still I will feel better later in the day and I have no one to blame but myself. O


Georgina said...

Darling Colin - you are a teddy and should be allowed to hibernate, especially in this most gloomy of winters. You write an interesting post however low you get. Thank you! XX

Dan and Julie in San Diego said...

Hi, Colin,
Winter is hard for pain sufferers. I'm a Buddhist, so I use Buddhist techniques to elevate my life condition when it gets low. I chant Nam Myoho Renge Kyo until I can smile again. If you want to hear it, there are several vids on utube. Or there is probably a local group in your area if you want the support of people. These folks could hook you uyp if you like:
Enjoy your doggies!
Julie in San Diego