Thursday, January 23, 2014


A little while ago when I was having delirium at night-time part of that delirium was believing that two members of my family lived in my house-my mother and my younger (appropriately my voice to type wrote anger instead of younger …) brother. Since then I have had several dreams about him so I did a web search and found out that he is still very much alive and still pushing his lies and running away from the truth. He believes themselves to be some high spirit from another dimension and is here to heal the world and his specialities family healing. Yet he hates me and denies me. And that would be quite funny if it wasn't for the fact that he's ripping people off and many hundreds of dollars. Yes he has become a Guru that people follow and give away their money to in their desperate search for healing of the pain that they suffer not realising that no person can do that but themselves.

I understand people who do this because I was one of them although I never followed any gurus because I knew from a very young age that they could not be trusted I just read an awful lot of new-age style books all of which basically come down to blaming oneself for the pain that others caused one. In other words if you were sexually physically abused or emotionally neglected as a child and as an adult were suffering it was your fault. These books are very clever because they lead to long to yet another book and then another book and then another book. If any of these books also called healing gurus worked you would only need to see them once or you don't need to read one book. But now they real you win and they take advantage of your pain. The fact that my brother does this embarrasses me. I feel sad for him how could I not we had the same sort of upbringing.  He is still wandering the world trying to find his peace.  In doing so he has taken on this altar ego and is damaging other people. We all have our own paths to take and many of us choose pass the ultimately leave us in more pain. I cannot say that this is the wrong path for him because it may well lead him to himself where he will find his ultimate peace.

His way of dealing with our childhoods is to blame me and not parents. We have had two contacts in the last 25 years both of which ended up with him screaming how evil I am.

It makes me realise how lucky I that I did do the work and that are found the right person to help me do that work. The man I saw was far from a guru. He never told me where to go, led me, or told me what was wrong with me. He just gave me the space to tell my story. He did speak because he first needed to undo the damage that religious indoctrination does. I'm sure you've heard of people who leave cults who need the programming. This was the work he had to do with me first because it was preventing me recovering from my abuse as my religious beliefs were making it impossible for me to be truthful and therefore to heal.

I remember for a long time into my sessions with him I was extremely fearful that I was going to be struck down dead because I was speaking out against my family which is something my religious background told me was a wicked thing to do.  For Christians this comes in the  form of honour thy father and my mother.  It was not until I was free of that sort of thinking was able to heal.

One is never completely healed and that was one of the first things I learned. I went into therapy expecting that after a few months I would be healed and that my past would no longer matter and it would no longer have a negative effect on my present. It was one of the first illusions he destroyed. It actually drew me closer to him and made me trust him because he didn't promise me anything. The only thing he did promise me was that he would be there for me 24/7 for as long as I needed him.  he kept his word. I was extremely fortunate. Up until that point I had met a series of quacks and also  legitimately qualified psychotherapists. However none of them committed themselves to helping me heal. I vividly remember one of them digging out a very painful experience which finally got me to cry and fall apart. When this happened the 50 minutes is up and he threw me out. Quite literally. I sat outside in the dark in the rain in my car shaking and crying unable to move and I sat there for almost 3 hours until I was in a fit state to drive. I never went back to that person.

This sent to me looking through various self-help groups wearer was further damaged by strong individuals who thought that they were "there" and had the arrogance to think they could heal others when all they did was cause them more damage.

So I do truly understand the search for peace and the places it can take us and the money it can cost us. I was once full into a three-day seminar by very famous woman at the time. I was doubtful but I was full of hope that perhaps she really did have the answers. She didn't. She was a fraud. How do I know she was a fraud? Because she was abusive. She had stopped me halfway through a question in the public forum and shamed me because she wrongly assumed she knew the rest of the question.  later in private I asked her why she had done that and told her that the questions she thought I was going to ask  wasn't it. And spite in her voice when she replied was all I needed to know that she was a fraud. (I have altered slightly this story because I do not want to identify the person because I do not want any lawsuits!) 

It is an extremely wet day and dark.  By remembering that I need to use my light for at least 20 to 30 minutes every morning it has also made me  remember to write on my blog.

Life for me this last 18 months has been the both very good and not so good. I have been plagued by depression and flashbacks. I could not understand this as everything that was happening around me was good.  Fantastically good.  We were having our house remodelled, we were getting married.  What could I possibly have to be worried about?  People pointed out to me that both of these activities were very stressful and somebody else suggested that having my house torn apart even for a very good reason would affect me very deeply because it was my safety my safe place, almost like it was me that was being torn apart.

During this time it has become obvious that my disease has progressed. The neuropathic disease is much worse and still no name. The neurologist can only say that there are many people who have the same neurological disorder but I have but that as yet research has not come up with a cause or a name because the symptoms differ so widely. I get the most odd sensations in my body of suddenly feeling like something hot has been put on me usually on my legs, or something really cold. I fall over backwards. All of the time backwards. This is I am told one of the reasons that they know it is a neurological problem. I had a three-hour session of being examined and  answering questions.  Various things were done to my body and I was asked to report where I felt the pain all rather just what I felt. The results proved that I wasn't faking which I had begun to wonder. I know that seems weird but as a child I was constantly told there was nothing wrong with me and it was all in the mind and most of the doctors I have a source said the same thing. The tests also showed that my body reacted the way a body with a crumbling spine would. Although I did not know the purpose of the tests I was very pleased to the results. From a non-emotional point of view it was very interesting. Being touched in one place yet feeling it in another. It was also fairly painful examination because it involved lifting my arms and my legs and having them being put in various positions. 

So in the last almost 2 years now I suppose I have done very little in the way of dyeing and hence not added anything to my shop. I have also done very little in the way of knitting. This is partly because I have had a lot of trouble with my hands and there was a period of several weeks where I just could not knit at all. Fortunately I am able to again. I still cannot handwrite but that is no great loss and doesn't cause me a problem. People are very kind and if I have to fill out forms I tell them that I can't write and say they fill out the forms for me and I just do my squiggles signature at the end.

Life is very good for me right now which may seem a strange thing to say to those that know I have still been battling with my depression. Actually battling with is a really stupid thing to say. I dealing with it is more accurate I don't battle with anything.  I get annoyed when I hear people say that such and such a person battled bravely with their disease. I certainly don't I just get on with it. There is nothing I can do about it except live the best I can with it and in that I am successful most of the time. Being a human being I have short periods where I am less able to accept it and just get on with life.

Anyway this is gone on far too long today. 


Dan and Julie in San Diego said...

Courage, mon ami! (Dumas) Just getting on with life and enjoying it despite the pain is great courage. And it is the essence of winning over the dark forces of the past. Every day decide to wake up and do something nice for yourself and enjoy it. Every night decide to go to bed and get some sleep. My hubby gave me an electric blanket for Christmas and for the first time I can sleep with warm legs and feet. It is heaven and I am actually getting some sleep, despite the neuropathy pain. 3 pain pills and a warm blankie and I'm good to go. Every day when you drink your coffee and pet your dogs is winning. I just shared a bite of my breakfast egg sandwich with my begging kitty. We both enjoyed it and that is winning. Joy in the face of pain is winning. Being nice to others in spite of pain is winning. The abusers try to steal the joy, they suck it right out of you and leave you empty, but you and I are refilling the joy inside despite them. That is also winning.
Wishing you joy,
Julie in San Diego

midnightvelvet said...

...and in spite of it all you can still find time to advise me on showing and breeding.

Not many will do that without their own burdens so be proud of how you live your life Colin xxxxx

Nan said...

I've been absent from blog-dom for a while and am so sorry to hear that you've been having an unusually rough go of it. I wouldn't presume to offer advice on how to deal with the difficulties of your situation. But I will share a realization that I just recently had about myself. I've had some medical problems and the surgeon that helped me was simply amazing. I could never compare my life's work with his, nor should I. The only thing that I can do at this point is thank him sincerely and, given that I am able to knit, make him a pair of socks. It may not seem like much in the grand universal scheme of things. But it is what I am able to offer. Please don't worry about what you cannot do. It seems to me from reading your blog that you offer quite a bit to many people. I'll be holding you in the Light for physical relief and inner peace. Nan