OH TO BE NORMAL

As stupid as it sounds I am writing here on my blog because I can't face writing anything on Facebook.

I feel absolutely terrible I don't just feel tired but I am very tearful also. I am not prone to feeling sorry for myself but recently I've been having trouble with dealing with life or mainly people.

The amount of energy I need to expend to get to a dog show is becoming harder and harder. By this I mean the getting dressed up and the act not so much the driving and the physical pain the brief walk around the ring causes me. Now it's putting on my show face and my show gear. I know people don't believe me but I am very shy person and I prefer to spend a lot of time on my own. On Tuesdays Wednesdays and Thursdays when John is not here it is rare that I go out unless I absolutely have to. Yesterday after Tuesday's show there was no way I was going to be able to keep my 1020 appointment with my doctor so it became a telephone consult. She is going to try and find a psychotherapist who is also a pain specialist and a drug specialist. I'm not having so much difficulty taking my drugs at the moment.

This is so embarrassing to say that the feelings that I'm experiencing and the constant crying seems to be about a very strong wish to be normal. To be able to go to a dog show without it causing me two days of pain and exhaustion. To be able to go out and not have to worry about am I going to find suitable food to eat because of my food difficulties. Am I going to be able to interact with people without them misunderstanding my intention.

It makes me sick to my stomach when I realise that I have been misunderstood and the pain that this has caused others as well as myself. I found out recently that I made somebody feel abused by me. They felt that I was aggressive and attacking. I was totally devastated and I still am I am so shocked. Here I am writing about the effects of abuse on myself  and on other people and yet I still made somebody else feel like this.

It isn't just this. I just feel that my life is out of control. My hands are working really badly I keep dropping things or my hand suddenly decides to make a jerking movement and so I drop whatever it is I have in my hand and if it has hot liquid in it then I get burned. I am falling over a lot and twice in the ring I have become muddled about what I'm supposed to be doing.