Thursday, April 25, 2013


Am knackered. Nothing doing today. Although in bed by 11:40pm, I was still awake at 2:45am due to leg pain which i finally medicated at about 2am. I had only been to dog club so was hardly on my feet very long and I was medicated well before I went. Anyway, was up at 8am as the youngsters still needed dealing with. 

These episodes are frequent, nothing new, but still I cannot help but feel grateful that I can watch tv, listen to music and knit, so despite being prevented living a 'normal' life by my body, I am still having a good life.  

Recently I have been thinking a lot about how life used to be. I know that when I was in my 20s I found occupy myself in a satisfactory way extremely difficult. I was very anxious to find a career and constantly fought for that despite my health. Gradually over the years my talents came to the fore  and as I healed so my days became more and more fulfilling.

Whereas back in those days I found the day is far too long I now find the day is far too short!

I have written about fear recently. One of the comments suggested that one should not pick over the scabs of old wounds. Whilst I agree with this I do not think it is wise that we ignore feelings if they are persistent as my waking up in fear each day had become.

As is often the case just thinking about the fear and what could be causing it has brought me to  the last few days of feeling much better.

I read a short piece the day before yesterday about forgiveness. I began to realise that much of what I had been thinking about my past was the lack of forgiveness of myself.

 When ever I think back about how used to be I feel shame and embarrassment. I have realised that this could be different. I get upset when others don't understand that people behave in certain ways when they are disturbed and should not be judged. Yet here I doing exactly that with myself. I need to think of my past self with understanding and compassion instead of wanting to forget him because I feel so ashamed of him. I could not have been any different and it wasn't as if I wasn't trying the whole time but I was far more damaged than me or anybody else knew and I wasn't getting the help that I needed. It was not for want of me looking for help. I even cringe with embarrassment when I think of some of the things that I did in my quest for wellness.

My overwhelming memory is the sheer darkness of the pain that I was in for so many years. So why do I not give myself a break? Whilst I would not say I condemn my past self the mere fact that I feel shame about it tells me that I hold myself accountable and do not see myself as having been ill. For me the shame shows my lack of forgiveness and understanding.

 I need to find within myself a different way of viewing and feeling my past. I would like to be able to view my life from a compassionate standpoint. Whilst I do not  think that I need to go into details with anybody and certainly not here on my blog, I do think that I'm would like to be at the point where I can lay my past before myself and not feel shame and distain for myself.

Whilst I've would not call this a negative, I certainly did not expect that along with the happy state of affairs that is me today would come a crushing awareness  of just how disturbed I used to be. It seems I am far more understanding and forgiving of others who do terrible things in their quest to free themselves from pain. Whilst I know that the desire to stop hurting was the impetus for everything I am not yet at that point that I can think of my behaviours and not feel shame. Even though I know that some of my extreme and distressing behaviours were the direct result of large doses of chlorpromazine I still remember the incidents as if I were in control and the person I am now instead of an extremely disturbed and abused person who was being abused even more with these drugs. Chlorpromazine and haloperidol are two of the most evil drugs. I really think that before people prescribed them they should take them themselves so that they have some understanding of the horrors they produce in those who take them. I know I am not the only one to be seriously affected by such drugs. There is even some evidence that my present neurological problems could be the result of these drugs. I still have to live with the memories of my behaviour whilst out of my mind on these drugs. Worse still was the total ignorance of the medical profession and therefore of the people around me, of the effects these drugs have. No one's in the medical profession seem to understand that the sudden serious worsening of my behaviour was brought on by the medication.

I think I may have to revisit this topic because I feel I cannot do so now. However I think my reluctance to take medication for my present disease is clearly understandable in light of the above.

Who would even think that self forgiveness is  a concept, let alone a necessity. This does require more thinking about but for today I'm done.


Iris said...

A thought about dwelling on the past: While it is sometimes not a good idea to pick at the scabs of old wounds, there are times when it is totally necessary. Consider a truly serious wound, such as a bad burn. In this case, "picking" is not only a good thing, but an absolutely necessary one. Without debridement, such terrible wounds would maim and scar far worse. So, despite the agony it causes, these wounds must be periodically and rather harshly exposed so the healing can be as clean and complete as possible.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Colin- I think you are being too hard on yourself and I think there might be an easier way for you to think about this. Please imagine the younger you as someone else, perhaps an acquaintance, someone you've met in passing. You see this person is obviously struggling. You see he is not well. You see his behaviors. Remember, you don't know this person well so you don't know WHY he's behaving the way he is. All you know is what you observe as a casual acquaintance. But you're a nice person. A caring human being. You can see this person is in pain. It's very obvious. If you were to reach out to him, Colin, what would you say? Would you condemn him for his behaviors? Or would you try to offer him encouragement? Would you tell him it's going to be OK someday? That he's going to find real love and have a great life? Or would you tell him he doesn't deserve such things because he's such a horrible person? No? Then stop telling the older Colin such ugly things. There's nothing more to think about. If you wouldn't say it to the younger Colin or to anyone else, please stop saying it to yourself.