Monday, December 10, 2007

Moving Forward

I am feeling very much better in most ways now. My stomach has settled. My emotions have settled. The fear has abated. Still crippled, but you can't have it all.

Now I am through to the other side, I can say I am glad I went through this. I would not wish to again. That was the third time in 14 years, the last time being the same months in 98. Each time, it was different issues. I didn't see that at the time. It was just pain to me. Only in hindsight can I see what the pain was about and it was quite specific each time. I think I could not have expressed the pain of each issue all at once and remained alive.

I certainly recall that the during 98 episode I came very close to losing it altogether. This time, whilst I did feel I would die, seriously, I didn't at any point think I was losing my mind. Plus I still managed to do things like the dogs, knit, go swimming and to dogs shows.

The issues this time were very clear, after a while. I was grieving my losses which I had never done before. I do recall dreaming earlier this year that I had been 'banished' from the group, and was left out alone in the cold. A bit like a spaceman having his cord cut. In fact a medium put it this way: they cut the cord. I remember in that dream feeling the most dreadful feeling and when I awoke I didn't know what it had been about(!!!) but was very thankful I was not feeling that feeling because I felt it would kill me. Later of course, I did feel that feeling and it didn't kill me. It just felt like it would.

The other major issue was about myself. About me being me. It dawned on me, and I am 49 years old on the 16th of this month, that no matter who I was the abuse would still have happened. The abuse happened not because of who I was but because of who the abusers were. The problem was with them and not with me. I really was powerless to prevent it or control it. It really wasn't anything I did or anything that I was. I used to think , as regards my father anyway, that I wasn't boy enough, not macho enough, because in his eyes I was a sissy. It was so easy to accept the blame. Now I see that he had no business expecting anything of me other than to be who I am. That not boy enough or not, he had no business bullying me, terrifying me, hurting me, hitting me.

I have always been ashamed of being sensitive. Of being creative. Of being me. Not now. I am glad I am sensitive. It prevents me behaving in ways I see others behaving and treating others the way I was treated. I am grateful for being creative-it occupies my mind and satisfies me and brings pleasure to others.

This last couple of weeks, it keeps popping into my head how glad I am to be who I am. How I really like who I have become. How amazing that I have become me despite it all. Not only that, but I think of myself as man now, an adult, instead of a boy. I no longer feel that my grasp is so tenuous. I feel stronger each day.

On the 20th John and I are off the spend Xmas with friends in Germany, We will drive the 800 miles back on Xmas day (cos everyone else will be at home leaving the road to ME!).

Once again, thank you all for your support thought this very painful and distressing growth period.You maybe don't realise just how important your support was in keeping me alive and sane.


Anonymous said...

Colin, you rock! :>) Hannah

Hilde C. said...

I’m glad to hear that you are trough on the other side. This must have been an extremely painful emotional journey. I’ve been impressed by how you have managed to see what it has all been about, and also been able to put it into writing. To go around carrying such a load of painful memories/experiences must take its toll, and I’m glad to hear that you don’t have to carry it around anymore. It most certainly must lay the grounds for a much better 2008. I hope you’ll have a wonderful trip to Germany :-)

Anonymous said...

As I have often said, you are a beautiful person, with a beautiful spirit that shines out from you.

I am so glad, that you've managed to come forward a little, and shake off the feeling of responsibility of your fathers insult and assault of you as a child.
He could never take away that bright burning spark within you though, you have someone ''up there'' looking out for you, and he is doing a great job Colin. You will know what I mean when I say that little boy, has gone, left the arms of support..and walks now as a man in his own right...Now you've glimpsed it, and trusted a little, hold onto it with both hands and go forward. Knowing that ''someone up there'' is right by your side. love you .. go in peace dear heart Cher x

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you are happy to be you and have come to believe you are not to blame. Be proud of your sensitivity and creativity.

I, for one, am so glad you are you.

LizzieK8 said...

When I tried to talk about my abuse with some people, the question, "What did you do to cause them to treat you like that?" always came up. My answer? "I breath." Abusers abuse. There is no rhyme or reason to it.

I'm so glad you have walked through the valley of shadow and have arrived at the other side in the sunshine. It's so liberating, isn't it?

Best to you and John.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Colin, for sharing this amazing journey with all of us. You will likely never know how much your words have meant many people, or how many you have helped with your blog.

For the record, there are a lot of us out here who think you are amazing, too, and we like you a great deal.

Though we have never met in person, I am very, very honored to call you "friend." I have come to respect your thoughts and opinions a great deal, and know you do not set them forth lightly.

It's wonderful to see your humor has returned, and your beautiful knitting being posted again.

Welcome back!

fairy godmother said...

You are one of the strongest people I know. Happy holidays to you and John!

Anonymous said...

Colin I am so pleased to read you are feeling this way, especially before you go away as hopefully you and John will be able to relax fully and have a great break.

My of my resolutions next year is to see if we can organise to meet up, maybe halfway?

Anonymous said...

Colin -

I was so happy to read your post today! I've been keeping a "positive thought light" for you and will continue to do so. You have come through the fire (so to speak) and immerged on the other side stronger and victorious. I hope you have a fabulous trip to Germany and wish you and John a very happy holiday season.


Unknown said...

Now enjoy!

MargaretMcCall said...

Colin, I'm so glad thingds are coming together for you and the terrible times are over. Happy birthday from another one who was born on the 16th. Margaret in NZ

Anonymous said...

Colin, so glad you have come through your experiences and are getting better. Happy birthday from another born on 16th. Margaret in NZ

FuguesStateKnits said...

Colin, excellent! Now you really know in your heart what you've always known in your head. Really really cool.
May I share something with you? (and probably the other 3 billion people who read this, LOL) I have a child who is gay. Not only do I see this as a gift God has given her, but I "pity the fool" as Mr. T. used to say, who would even think twice about it in dealing with her. She is my own flesh and blood. Period. Any change that had to happen had to come from me. We have more conservative members of the family who in the past have shunned others for similar reasons. I have told my husband and kids, "Gee I guess we're really going to miss them - too bad." And her father and siblings feel the same way. Very few things fill me with an almost homicidal rage. Messing with my kids is one of them - as with most people.
Your father had a serious defect in his nature. He couldn't love anyone. He probably hated himself and the parts of himself he saw in you. Who knows - maybe he was gay and overcompensated with what he thought was "macho" behavior. (Of course I question the whole "macho" thing per se.)
I guess I'm trying to give you the perspective of a parent - and my kids would say obviously not a perfect parent, LOL:) Bottom line is, a normal parent, even one with the usual parental faults and failings, would love you simply because you ARE.
So, create your own space of love. Love yourself. It's God's gift to you:)

Anonymous said...

So happy for you! Painful, but seems that you have gotten alot from the experience. Glad to hear you are starting to appreciate yourself and your talents.
have a lovely trip