Thursday, March 31, 2016


This is not popular. There are grades of abuse. However, when I listen to people, if they know mine, they often say 'but compared to yours it was nothing' and I tell them that pain is pain. It hurts. Abuse causes damage. I have often wondered how people manage to work. Whether it be on a checkout till or as a professor or a doctor or a nurse. I managed my O levels with nine A, 1 B and 1 C. and that was me done. by the time they were finished the damage and the state that I was in could no longer be hidden. It is known that constant moving home and schools is detrimental to a child's health especially to their self-esteem. When we bought this house I was 40 years old and it was my 34th home. Most of those homes happened before the age of 17. It is known that living in a violent household is detrimental to a child's well-being as an adult. It is known that the sexual abuse of children particularly long-term is detrimental to a child's health. I know all of the above and on days like yesterday and today I have to remind myself that I am where I am because of all that. However I am also where I am because of what I have managed to do to make your life regardless. I regret never having had a career or even a job something that I enjoyed doing. I am well aware that there are many people who have jobs that they do not like but they have to do them and I'm glad I'm not in that situation. I am aware also that people see me as being kept by a wealthy man. It could not be further from the truth. If he were wealthy we would not live where we live although we love living where we live. We have excellent neighbours and it is a quiet town and we get no trouble here at all. There was a brief period of homophobic abuse by children but I nipped it in the bud because I happen to know who the children were and I knew that my neighbour new the parents of some of them. I asked her kindly is she would tell the parents what their children were doing. That not only was it hurtful and unkind but illegal. I never heard it again. Even when I was showing dogs I know that that was the rumour that I had a wealthy husband. I reacted to that the way it deserves to be reacting to with laughter and saying how silly these people were and how much we went without in order to be able to show my dogs. Now that I don't show my dogs I know exactly what we went without. Now we didn't starve and I've always been aware that if I compare we've always been in a good situation. It was not so before I met John. I don't want to talk about that. It was a dreadful time. I don't know what I am getting at here. I know many people would think I was really lucky because I can do as I please. If they thought about it my disability stops me from doing as I please which is why I have no social life. I have very dear friends who visit me when they can and I always enjoy them and they always leave me feeling better. I spend my days watching drama via Netflix or Amazon on or DVDs that we have bought and I knit socks while I am doing it. I also read. I read for entertainment but I also read for knowledge especially about science. I read the science surrounding the work that they have been doing on the effects of child abuse on the brain. It is fascinating. It is also quite freeing. Because it shows that stuff that one has felt guilty about has been beyond one's control. It also shows that the things I have considered old about myself are easily explained which is quite a relief. When soldiers come back from war and many of them are badly affected we all see that and understand that and they are often diagnosed with PTSD which we also understand. And we raise money for them so that they can receive the treatment that they need. Indeed I support such charities. Yet when it comes to understanding that children have equally survived a war and are badly damaged by it, very few are interested. Be that people who survived the battle I survived or the battles of war such as is going on in the Middle East. raising money for charities that help people like me is very difficult. I do not know why this is so. I have had people say to me that they cannot deal with that but I don't see why it should stop them giving money to help people who can deal with that. As usual when I started to write I did know what I was going to write about but now that it is in print I don't know what is was going to write about;-)

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