FEAR

I don't know how to start this blog off. Be warned it is not going to be like previous posts. It will be hard to write because I always write the truth as I see it. We must always be truthful.   Even if we are truthful only to one other person in life.  Yet he is the last person on earth that I would tell this to. I I feel afraid. I have been feeling afraid for quite some time. Seeing my doctor on Friday confirmed to me that I was indeed in a state of fear which the circumstances would probably not have told me. however she felt I needed to be told bluntly because it was obvious to her that I had basically ignored what I had in my mind because I don't really want to get down to what is really bothering me.

I asked John that if he were to die in his sleep tonight would he feel that he had had a good life and had an achieving life. He said that yes he had he was very satisfied with the work that he had done and the changes he had made which have made his organisation much better he even had to spend a week in the Houses of Parliament being questioned.  This did a huge amount of good  and although people will still think that the organisation that he is an expert on it was very stressful time for him to his then.

I I am trying to get to the point. I think that my life has been wasted. Yes I have had some success in the dog show world but that has no importance at all in the wider scheme of things. I have had both men and women write to me  telling me the most intimate details of their childhood experiences which I have found very moving and I felt very privileged that these people trusted me enough to tell me stuff that they have never told a soul there are questions that I cannot remember the answers I gave but are always tell pe wake upe that it doesn't matter whether you are a high born all a low born person, abuse  is abuse and it affects ALL of us there are those who are like it it because of past abuse but it;s effects a life time.  abuse. I have BECAUSE most  selfish. It has made me  selfish.  and I have lied.

I have lied by saying that I have a wonderful life now in comparison to the awful nightmare I used to live day and do not. That was not true. I believed or tried to  b perhaps one day you will be able to see me walking without the use of anything.

I'm going to stop writing now because I have got lost and have gone away from what I originally wanted to write about which is this: I am not this  hero type of person that a lot of people seem to think that I am. I would feel much safer if I lived on the island with very few people.

There are people in my life that I love and none of what I say is having a dig at them because I feel so lucky that they would even have bothered with such a mess in the first place. Most especially John.  Why on earth he has put up with me for so long I do not know. And please no one tell me I am depressed because I am not even my doctor doesn't think I am but she thinks I haven't yet truly gone through the grieving process but it seems to me asked in my whole life go through grieving processes when really I would just like to flocking well on with.  may be it's just self-pity. If I knew what it was I could work through it but I'm at the point where I just don't want to see a doctor.

 if you have managed to read this far you will see that I have written all over the place instead of sticking to just one subject which again is me and my selfishness.

 kind thoughts on this are welcome. T