Monday, March 17, 2014


I don't know how to start this blog off. Be warned it is not going to be like previous posts. It will be hard to write because I always write the truth as I see it. We must always be truthful.   Even if we are truthful only to one other person in life.  Yet he is the last person on earth that I would tell this to. I I feel afraid. I have been feeling afraid for quite some time. Seeing my doctor on Friday confirmed to me that I was indeed in a state of fear which the circumstances would probably not have told me. however she felt I needed to be told bluntly because it was obvious to her that I had basically ignored what I had in my mind because I don't really want to get down to what is really bothering me.

I asked John that if he were to die in his sleep tonight would he feel that he had had a good life and had an achieving life. He said that yes he had he was very satisfied with the work that he had done and the changes he had made which have made his organisation much better he even had to spend a week in the Houses of Parliament being questioned.  This did a huge amount of good  and although people will still think that the organisation that he is an expert on it was very stressful time for him to his then.

I I am trying to get to the point. I think that my life has been wasted. Yes I have had some success in the dog show world but that has no importance at all in the wider scheme of things. I have had both men and women write to me  telling me the most intimate details of their childhood experiences which I have found very moving and I felt very privileged that these people trusted me enough to tell me stuff that they have never told a soul there are questions that I cannot remember the answers I gave but are always tell pe wake upe that it doesn't matter whether you are a high born all a low born person, abuse  is abuse and it affects ALL of us there are those who are like it it because of past abuse but it;s effects a life time.  abuse. I have BECAUSE most  selfish. It has made me  selfish.  and I have lied.

I have lied by saying that I have a wonderful life now in comparison to the awful nightmare I used to live day and do not. That was not true. I believed or tried to  b perhaps one day you will be able to see me walking without the use of anything.

I'm going to stop writing now because I have got lost and have gone away from what I originally wanted to write about which is this: I am not this  hero type of person that a lot of people seem to think that I am. I would feel much safer if I lived on the island with very few people.

There are people in my life that I love and none of what I say is having a dig at them because I feel so lucky that they would even have bothered with such a mess in the first place. Most especially John.  Why on earth he has put up with me for so long I do not know. And please no one tell me I am depressed because I am not even my doctor doesn't think I am but she thinks I haven't yet truly gone through the grieving process but it seems to me asked in my whole life go through grieving processes when really I would just like to flocking well on with.  may be it's just self-pity. If I knew what it was I could work through it but I'm at the point where I just don't want to see a doctor.

 if you have managed to read this far you will see that I have written all over the place instead of sticking to just one subject which again is me and my selfishness.

 kind thoughts on this are welcome. T


Dan and Julie in San Diego said...

You did not ask for the abuse you suffered, and there is not one best way to deal with it. And the so-called mental health professionals were no help at all, except one. So you did the best you could and ended up here. Pat yourself on the back for getting this far and hug John and tell him you love him, and thank you for all he's done, and carry on!
Julie in San Diego

midnightvelvet said...

Dear's hard to know what to say except that I do understand to a certain extent. I also feel that my life has been wasted but that said, I don't know what I would have done differently because nobody taught me. And that is what is missing for me - and probably you as well. I was never taught how to be a 'person' in my own right. All I ever knew was how to sit there and look pretty. I was never allowed an opinion, I hadn't got a clue how to live life as a normal person - although to all intents and purposes and I what is considered 'normal' in that I didn't grow up with any disability other than fear. I have never felt equal to other human beings and have always felt like the udnerdog, so to speak....although many wouldn't believe that from what they've seen/know of me. I hide it quite well, so you and I have this in common. I don't think you're a hero, I think that you are very tenacious in overcoming as much as you do and for that I admire you. I think that, like me, you do your best with what you've got but have little self esteem. But hey! I like you anyway :))))) xx

Knitting-twitter said...

Hi Colin, could it be that you allow your past to completely control your now? I know, to forgive something such terrible which happened to you seems to be impossible but maybe that is your only chance to continue.. to turn your life which contains a lot of joy, John, your dogs, your fantastic knitting, your friends, your creativity, your house and what you did with your house over the last recent time, the joy you give to many people which would never have the guts to wear what you wear but admire you for doing so...and and and..
You had a lot of enemies in your past but my humble opinion is and please be not offended now.. that you allow your past to be your worst enemy in your life instead of using the power you have in you to step through a new door. You are Colin who survived the past, yes, with many scars and bruises and nobody can take those away from you. You have shown the world that you are a very strong person and its time to allow yourself to find freedom in the future.
I wish you the strength to make yourself smile at yourself and that you know that there are many people on this planet which believe in you and think you are a very fine person (ME INCLUDED! - which can turn the switch from night to daylight.
Ciao ciao and enjoy your evening... Christa from Switzerland where Spring is almost here... and I don't want that you think I am telling you what to do, all I want is or think... that its only you who can step out of the cage others have locked you in...