MADE A MESS OF PREVIOUS POST

Okay I made a mess of my previous post. It wasn't about my previous abuse. It was about my present disease and how I am having trouble coming to terms with it. It is my disease I have been in denial about, nothing else. The fear is about my disease and it's progresssion. And the fear of not having a Dr to see me through it. Modern doctory has changed and we willl no longer have v the same Dr. It is likely when my disease reaches it's end stage, I will have total stranger as my Dr.

THAT is what my post was supposed to be about. I some how gave the impression it was about accepting by past. I am sorry, not it wasn't. I have dealt with that.

FEAR

I don't know how to start this blog off. Be warned it is not going to be like previous posts. It will be hard to write because I always write the truth as I see it. We must always be truthful.   Even if we are truthful only to one other person in life.  Yet he is the last person on earth that I would tell this to. I I feel afraid. I have been feeling afraid for quite some time. Seeing my doctor on Friday confirmed to me that I was indeed in a state of fear which the circumstances would probably not have told me. however she felt I needed to be told bluntly because it was obvious to her that I had basically ignored what I had in my mind because I don't really want to get down to what is really bothering me.

I asked John that if he were to die in his sleep tonight would he feel that he had had a good life and had an achieving life. He said that yes he had he was very satisfied with the work that he had done and the changes he had made which have made his organisation much better he even had to spend a week in the Houses of Parliament being questioned.  This did a huge amount of good  and although people will still think that the organisation that he is an expert on it was very stressful time for him to his then.

I I am trying to get to the point. I think that my life has been wasted. Yes I have had some success in the dog show world but that has no importance at all in the wider scheme of things. I have had both men and women write to me  telling me the most intimate details of their childhood experiences which I have found very moving and I felt very privileged that these people trusted me enough to tell me stuff that they have never told a soul there are questions that I cannot remember the answers I gave but are always tell pe wake upe that it doesn't matter whether you are a high born all a low born person, abuse  is abuse and it affects ALL of us there are those who are like it it because of past abuse but it;s effects a life time.  abuse. I have BECAUSE most  selfish. It has made me  selfish.  and I have lied.

I have lied by saying that I have a wonderful life now in comparison to the awful nightmare I used to live day and do not. That was not true. I believed or tried to  b perhaps one day you will be able to see me walking without the use of anything.

I'm going to stop writing now because I have got lost and have gone away from what I originally wanted to write about which is this: I am not this  hero type of person that a lot of people seem to think that I am. I would feel much safer if I lived on the island with very few people.

There are people in my life that I love and none of what I say is having a dig at them because I feel so lucky that they would even have bothered with such a mess in the first place. Most especially John.  Why on earth he has put up with me for so long I do not know. And please no one tell me I am depressed because I am not even my doctor doesn't think I am but she thinks I haven't yet truly gone through the grieving process but it seems to me asked in my whole life go through grieving processes when really I would just like to flocking well on with.  may be it's just self-pity. If I knew what it was I could work through it but I'm at the point where I just don't want to see a doctor.

 if you have managed to read this far you will see that I have written all over the place instead of sticking to just one subject which again is me and my selfishness.

 kind thoughts on this are welcome. T

EMBARRASSED BY DISEASE

 I do not feel good. As you all know until recently I have handled my disabilities really well. That was when it didn't really get in the way that much.  Now it is really beginning to bite.

Our desire to visits Stockholm has gone out the window because there is no way I can drive there.  I used to be able to drive to my friends in Copenhagen in one day.

It has always been the case that dog shows exhaust me the following day. Now it is taking me longer  to recover than the one day it used to. I got up at 1 PM and of course I have taken my drugs.

 I said to John that my friend Gail who took me to the show yesterday  has gone to the cinema and my other friends Wendy and Drew are going back to Crufts.  What I was really trying to tell him  was that this upsets me and brings home the fact of my disease to me. I would love to be able to go out today. It is a beautiful sunny day. John did not react to what I said in the way that I expected and it felt to me like he didn't understand at all what I meant by what I said.

I know there is nothing I can do about my condition but I really do wish that people would take into consideration more than they do. Of course when it makes people laugh they do not notice it is only when what I do could be construed as being rude to they seem to notice.

I had forgotten that veterans are shown first at Crufts. I suddenly heard clapping so I turned around and I saw that dogs had been placed. I panicked thinking it was the puppy class and that Alexander should be in the ring ready to be judged in the junior class so I ran in with him, well hobbled as quickly as I could, only to the steward to tell me that I didn't have my ring number on so I rushed back and my friend passed it to me and put it on. So I went back. Only for the steward to tell me that I wasn't in this class. I said yes I am and I have the tickets to prove it and I showed him that I had entered the junior class he said this is not the junior class this as the puppy class. Of course people found that very funny and I wasn't embarrassed at all I've got used to that part of my disease.

But other people have not got used to that part of my disease. I felt embarrassed to tell John how I felt  and so got upset with him for not realising what I was saying about my friends being out today.

Yesterday didn't start off well. I didn't feel well at all. And it wasn't until after I had taken my second lot of drugs that I began to feel glad to be there. For the first few hours I just sat and knitted. It took all my strength not to tell people who came up to me to talk about my knitting to fuck off.   It would have been very unkind of me to do so because I do understand that people come up and talk to me about it because they are surprised to see a man knitting and they are surprised to see that I'm knitting a very complicated Aaron or what they see as very complicated and many of the people who ask are genuine knitters themselves so that is why they are talking to me about it.

 Yesterday, when I did start to feel better it was because I had taken a double dose of tramadol. I'm going to talk to my doctor about this because I discovered that tramadol is available in 50 mg 100 milligram and 200 mg tablets  so I felt it would be safer me to take another hundred milligrams.  it made all the difference it even made a great deal of difference to the pain I was in.

I also made the mistake of not taking my drugs until I arrived at  Crufts.  I did this because I didn't want to take a lot more than my allotted dose. I am allowed to take more morphine but yesterday would have been  meant taking quite a lot more over my allotted dose. It was a stupid thing to have done because I am not a good driver if I am not medicated and it possibly contributed me to feeling crap even after I had taken my drugs.

On a positive note, people were very complimentary about my outfit and I have lost count of the amount of people that are asked to photograph me some of which I think were professional but most were using their phones. I was very surprised at the amount of men who complimented me on my dress sense. I enjoy that. And I think that these men who come up and tell me how classy look to have a lot of courage doing that. All of these men are straight as far as I can tell and as far as I can tell no gay men have ever done so! Life is strange.

So I feel not brilliant today, a bit down, and more than a little upset that even my nearest and dearest have to have it spelt out to them how I feel.

 None of you know her but my friend Gail was of such enormous help to me yesterday and I would have found the day extremely difficult without her. In fact I wonder if I could do Crufts at all without a helper.