SUPER FOOL

It is raining heavily outside. the new wet weather run for the dogs is going take them a bit if getting used to. They are not too sure about it yet. Yes, some have peed and pooed but I don't think they all have. once we are ensconced in the new living room, with all the doors out of it shut, and only the outdoor available to them, they will be easier to keep an eye on and train. They will soon realise that outside that door is theirs, whether wet or not.

John goes to work tomorrow, home Thursday evening. I will go to pool tomorrow. I have loads of reading to do.

I am going to resist the urge to save the world tomorrow. As I could anyway!  I realised that just because I kept my gob shut for most of my life doesn't mean I have to open it every waking moment! People can save themselves. Yes, I know, arrogant of me. 

I just have got into my head that I MUST take every opportunity to let every other survivor out there know there is a way past the pain and I simply must listen and respond to everyone who wants to tell me their life story, of which there are legion. 

Even as I write this, I can hear a voice telling me not to say this because I might put someone off who is at the end of their rope. I am tired. I need a break. I need to bring my head back in. I have my own shit to deal with and this is stressing me out. 

It's taken quite a while for me to realise this is at the root of my disquiet these last few months. I am on the tip of being angry or sad most of the time and frustrated because I can't do anything but share and be here and of course being as I can't do anything else, aren't I meant to be using this time on my hands to help others? 

I had no idea I would be writing this. This just started to come to my fingers when I typed goodnight.I have got myself in a right tiz. I've let this tie me in knots and I've become rather stupid. I could die right now and the world won't stop. People will still find their way. Victims will survive. They will find a way just like I did. 

Oh Colin, you fool. What a twat you've been. I am so acutely aware of how fortunate I am that instead of enjoying this life I have fought extremely hard for, I have been giving myself over completely, almost, to fighting for others. No wonder I feel on edge and tired all of the time, especially when much of what I have been doing brings me into touch with people who want anything but peace-those who victimise. 

I don't want to be utterly self centred and have an all right Jack attitude but I also can't be this 'Colin to the rescue' fool either. I want to enjoy the life I have won for myself, not now throw it away out of a sense of duty because I have it so good now. Even I see this as quite frightful. I need a break. A serious 'leave me alone' break and even as I write that I can hear this voice telling me off and saying how I never can know how what I do might just save someone and if I am going to stop being here for others, then what? I really have been silly. Very. 

Plenty for me to ponder I think.

Our Town - Iris DeMent (H.Q.)

How can one not cry when hearing this? It breaks my heart.

TANTRA'S CHASE ME ( 6 months old)

COQUELLES HOTEL ROOM

Our mini suite in Coquelles, France. Just a mile from the Channel Tunnel.

Let The Mystery Be - Iris DeMent H.Q.

I have only recently discovered this singer. This was from her first album in 94. i love this song. The lyric is very much worth listening to. This woman has a unique voice and a heartbreaking vulnerability and I very much like what she has to say. she is clearly sensitive and knows what it is like to think differently to those around you and to question to the very core of her being.

BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW...

nothing is more traumatic to someone who survives than to have the home (whatever that means) that they build for themselves upset, so all this upheaval will be traumatic - but it will end, and you will come through the trials into the beautiful world you have created with and for your husband.

One of the commentators left this as part of her comment and I want to thank her very much for this insight.I had not thought of this being the reason I am so distressed right now. 

I don't like change. I don't like chaos. This is my home and it looks like a building site. I am somewhat surprised to find myself upset by it. It makes me feel selfish and ungrateful. I am neither. I know how fortunate I am to be in this position. However, this feels like surgery or going into therapy. Seriously, it does.

The house as it was had big negatives and it was cluttered. It wasn't safe for me either. But I was used to it and knew where I was. Now I feel unsettled and unsafe.

I know it will pass but I thank the person for their insight as I always feel better when I know what is going on. Even my Dr knows she has to explain every detail or I shall worry! If I understand what is happening to me, I feel better, even if what is happening is not good.

Senior Moments by Golf Brooks - with Lyrics Closed Captioned

LITTLE JOYS

NO DOG SHOWS

Things are proving very difficult indeed. The floor man is coming later as we cannot wait as he has suggested for other things to be done, certainly the decorating can't possibly be done with all this chalky dust over everything. The floor needs laying asap so w can begin to clean it all away. My sore throat, clogged nose and ears are all back. Plus I am really concerned about my computers and hi fi equipment as they too are constantly being covered and no sooner I clean it, it is covered again. I just showered in the new shower-great-but am covered again in dust.


I am not going to Bath tomorrow and despite having entered all the upcoming shows, I have no idea when I shall get to a show. Right now, if I bath and ready for show, I have nowhere for the dogs to go top this red dust getting on them-they are both parti-coloured. So it seems I am out of the show scene for a while now too.


I had a tantrum  and a cry about it all this morning. I had NO IDEA at all it would be this bad. I am living in a building site. My teeth are on edge all the time, like nails on a chalk board. I can't stay clean. Surprisingly, John's chest is coping well and he has COPD!!! It is my sinuses and throat that are badly affected. 


If we HAD won the lottery, John and I would just take the dogs and leave and not come back until all this is done. In fact I would have bought another f*cking house! I am appalled by the idea of this going on longer.


As it is, we will not be in a state to welcome our wedding guests on the 7th July. I am seriously thinking of cancelling and going for a different day once all this is completed. We have nowhere for our guests to be between the ceremony and the dinner.


To say I am upset and stressed is an understatement. And yes, typically, I feel guilty for feeling anything other than grateful and happy. Well, I am grateful but i certainly don't feel f*cking happy just now.


I am especially upset about the dogs and not being able to attend shows for the next couple of months. John doesn't see this as a problem which only angered me. The worst part is that MG is likely to lose the coat she has gained as the floors are very rough and of course she like the rest of us, is full of red chalk dust. Chase is a male, a pup, and enormous coat so although I can't show him, I am not concerned his coat will be wrecked. I don't think Pussy's will be either.


I just had no idea at all. None.

Why childhood abuse harms health as adult - health - 15 January 2007 - New Scientist

Why childhood abuse harms health as adult - health - 15 January 2007 - New Scientist

MORE GRIEF

GRIEF

TANTRA'S CHASE ME

TWISTED BALLS

I was not a happy camper first thing. (oh actually I wqs a happy camper first thing because I had my first normal movement in weeks! And last night I ate one of my no no foods-pitta bread and ice-cream. Not together, the pitta was with the kebab and the ice cream was with a spoon.)  I sat down and put my MacBookPro on and picked up the phone only to find that my balls had become entangled with the phone lead and as I tried to disentangle it became apparent they had wrapped themselves around my headphones too. Now they had only been laying in my chair all night. Maybe Gremlins are real.


Well, I am more or less convinced I am sick. My throat is still sore, my voice has taken on a rather butch tone, and I sound like I should have had my adenoids out(which I did about 50 yrs ago.) I don't think this is dust. Especially as John was not affected and with his lungs, you'd expect he would be.


The men are here putting the floor in. Now we won't be able to set foot in here for a long time. We have to wait for it t be totally dry too before the fake New England Oak floor goes down.


John is home tonight. The next three days we must empty the kitchen and bathroom. That will be fun. More stuff piled into the present lounge. Then on Monday we will be off to France until Saturday and are leaving all the workmen here to get on with it. It is not feasible to stay with the kitchen and bathroom being ripped out and replaced.


It has been fun to just have Chase here. He is a funny boy and this is the second time we have had bonding time on our own. He is quite a sensitive chap and you'd think he would not show but he struts his stuff really well, just like his mum. He has presence. Even the workmen picked him out and asked me if he was a Champion. When pet people say something like that about a dog I am keeping, I always know I have a star. Almost all who met Whitney made similar comments and with MG too. It's the way they move and carry themselves. MG and Chase are quite different to Whitney who will happily jump up to be petted by anyone but MG and Chase have the typically reticent want to get to know you first attitude that LA have.

UPSIDE DOWN

I have not been very good at updating my blog have I? I have so much going on in my life. And now that I have started to write this I realise that I'm not going to continue. 


 I am just so exhausted today. However, I have not forgotten about this blog nor its purpose. I am writing this mainly for my fellow survivors who come to this blog just to know that there is someone else out there who gets where they are and how they feel. 


I am never going to stop writing about abuse and the effect that it has on the world in general but on survivors particularly. 


Just be aware that for now, I just do not have the energy. Not only is my disease more rampant right now, but we are also having major renovations done to our house and we also have our wedding coming up in July. 


We are having to leave our house on Monday for a week because I physically cannot be here whilst they rip out the kitchen and put in a new one and ditto for the bathroom. 


 I'm not complaining, I am very happy with everything that is going on but I did not realise the toll it would take on me. 


 My dogs are not here for the 2nd time during this renovation and they will stay away until the 26th at the earliest. 


I hate being without my dogs. As any survivor will understand, change is difficult for us to deal with, even good change like this. I have been very tempted to scrap the whole idea and just making do! 


The changes we are making are not just to give us more space but to make the house safer and more disabled friendly. 


 Anyway, I will be back to my normal self and my normal posting regime but it might be a couple of months. 


 One thing I have just realised is that I feel a certain sense of responsibility towards my readers who are survivors. When I first started writing my blog I was doing so purely for myself and it never occurred to me the effect it was going to have on other people. I feel very privileged but it does have a positive effect on others and for this reason I feel a responsibility to continue to share. I do not forget though how much sharing does for myself so I am not fooling myself into thinking that I am doing this for purely altruistic reasons! Absolutely not. It is a great service to myself. I am only grateful that others find it of use as well.

Clergy Rebukes Media for Asking Wrong Questions About Amendment One

OBSESSION

I hate this about myself. I find it very very difficult to put it behind me when I have been seriously hurt and humiliated. I am still obsessing over last week's attack on my character. It bothers me mostly because the person is nothing to me and because I know that such people never see any wrong in themselves. They don't lose sleep. If they didn't think they were absolutely right, they wouldn't behave this way.


(I know this ties in to my past somehow but not sure how. I do know, and any of you survivors out there, know this: abusers NEVER apologise. If that is what you are waiting for, stop it. It won't happen. It is very rare indeed for an abuser to face that type of pain. People who behave badly, are cruel, hurt others, never think they do or they wouldn't be comfortable. This is just an aside to this post.)


I feel ashamed. Ashamed because I severely misjudged someone. I judged them to be decent and nice and I was very wrong. No this was not one misunderstanding. This was stupid me not taking enough notice of the first time this person's behaviour and attitude toward me were unethical and hurtful. How fucking idiotic was I to forgive and forget? Only to get kicked right in the solar plexus again only far worse this time because it was after I had reached out in compassion an understanding of a situation I had been led to believe by them had been very stressful and upsetting to them.


See, I am still obsessing! Really. It's the first thing on  my mind when I wake, thus the fear upon waking. Yes, this type of situation makes me feel fear. I have just realised why: fear because this incident was just so unexpected, so illogical, I fear what else could happen. If I misjudged this person so badly, who else have I misjudged and who else is going to go for the kill? Even on my outing to the gym yesterday, I did not hang out conversing as I normally do. My self trust is shattered right now.


I feel like slapping myself and telling myself to grow up, there will always be nasty people. Duh! I know that. I just don't normally think such people are nice and put myself at risk with them this way. What a fool I have been. And yes, I am very angry with myself.


Angry because I had plenty of evidence telling me the first time to keep well away, angry because I reached out because I thought they were human and feeling frail and upset, angry because despite myself I feel hurt and humiliated, angry because I am fucking obsessing about it, and angry because I am still so shocked at their behaviour. Angry that I walked right into it. Angry because I can't just forget it. Angry because it wasn't kept private. Angry because I now think others will be thinking what I am thinking about how daft I was to give this person the ability to cross me.


Well, I guess that makes me feel a little less cooped up, just writing it out. 

A GOOD SHAG

We went to Queensgate, Peterborough yesterday. We left the car ion the valet bays to have a full valet done whilst we shopped. Never done that before. We came back to a very clean car.


Unbelievably, the shops all shut at 5.30pm and Waterstone's at 5pm! And we are in recession? The shops are doing badly?


We have seen dark wood furniture that we like very much in John Lewis. Cabinets and shelving and such like. It looks as though we will be going for this. We have had no luck yet finding a drop leaf table for dining. Still no room to have a permanent dining table and chairs.


Not decided on what we will have other than out two electric armchairs. We are thinking of one of those corner sofa things so guests have somewhere to sit.


I had to bath and groom out MG last evening and she is banned form going out at all now whilst the weather is wet. Pussy, with her enormous coat, is dirty but not matted or even knotted! I am still going to bathe her shortly tho. Meaning within the hour.


We were on our way out to Ely but I suddenly felt the need to away from people and be at home so I turned around and came home. John doesn't seem to mind when I do this. He knows when I am having an 'episode'. Don't ask me what this is because I don't know. I just get the overwhelming need to be alone and at home. It has happened whilst we have been away and only the impossibility of me driving back home on the spot has kept me there. I have found my hotel suffices for home now. I go through periods of just wanting to stay in, not talk to anyone or see anyone. I think it's either a part of PTSD or just needing to re-charge. Whatever, I do as I feel I must. I try to force the issue with myself when it comes to dog shows but I have been known to miss them to. They are a really big deal for me even when feeling strong and looking forward to it. I get 'morning sickness. the day of the show until I get there and settle. Last year at Southern Counties it didn't pass and I was indeed sick. Thankfully my lovely friend, Sarah Hattrell, took care of me until I was sick and the nausea had passed.


I had my hair cut today. I waited longer than I needed to because I didn't want it done by a particular young lady. This made me feel bad because it is hard for it not to appear personal. However, I physically am having a rough time and any touch can hurt. I knew that the young woman who I waited for understood and all I had to say was that my head was bruised all over and she did her job as gently as could. I only winced once.


At Panini's they have art on display on the walls by local artists. I bought a painting of a black and tan mini smooth Dachshund. I don't especially care for the breed, but this painting I thought was really good. 

Well, that is about it today. The dogs need feeding. Pussy needs bathing. I need a new body or maybe just a good shag....

FALSE ACCUSATIONS

This really pisses me off. Seriously pisses me off.


I am a 53 year old man and yet can still be easily sent back into that abused child mode. I HATE it. Back into that black hole where everything is my fault and no matter what i say, someone else is determined to view me in a dark light.


One thing that I really really detest is being falsely accused. The very first time I spoke up about being sexually abused by a stranger, I was slapped, and told I was disgusting.I was 9 years old. It was my fault according to my mum. This was not the first time this had happened to me but I had been too afraid to tell. After this I never told again and went on to be further abused. A teacher of mine was a child pornographer and he used me. Now with the 'net, every time I hear of pedophiles being arrested for internet child porn, I always wonder if they were viewing me. There is nothing I can do about it.


At 16, I worked in a restaurant. i was good at it. A rather unpleasant woman started to work there and she really wanted her daughter to work there. she started trying to undermine. Eventually, she flat out lied to the boss about me serving oversized meals to friends(what friends?). I was sacked.


A bus I was on came to a sudden stop as I was stood and I fell on to a black man who immediately slapped me and accused me of attacking him because he was black.


Recently I wrote a kind and supportive letter to someone. They CHOSE to interpret this letter as malicious, patronising and arrogant. Nothing could be further from the truth. This person I had already given the benefit of the doubt to because some years ago they had been spreading untrue stories about me and how I kept my dogs. They supposedly had been fed the info by a third party. I forgave then, let it go, and decided she was probably an okay person. I was very wrong to have done that because it only led to me being deeply hurt yet again for the same reason; unethical behaviour on their part. I made the mistake of speaking to them to find out why on earth my letter upset them. I was in physical pain and tired. Not a good mix and very quickly I was reduced to tears and convinced I had indeed been a bad person whose only reason for writing the said letter was malice. I cannot tell you the intense fear this made me feel, how insane I felt. Was i really so wicked? could I really have written that the way ti was taken and not be aware?


 Now I have had some days to sort this through, and read and re-read and re-read what I wrote, I know precisely what happened. I was manipulated by a self centred person who wanted to view me that way, who took no responsibility at all for the twisted way they interpreted my words. A person not looking for offence would not have interpreted my words that way. It wasn't that i was clumsy, or wrote ambiguously. I was clear and my meaning was clear. Especially in light of what had been said to me prior to the writing. My heart went out to them, hence the letter. Well, not that this person means anything to me. But it always hurts when a kindness is returned with a kick in the gut. I have been proved wrong in being generous about them and that is that. End of. I will not make this mistake again. I am not a fool. I have been bitten, hard, twice. There will not be a third time.


It really is a shame. I much prefer to get on with people but I will not be treated so disrespectfully and if someone is so willing to view me as mean spirited then there is no basis for respect.


I am well aware that some people will not understand how such an otherwise minor incident could have such an impact on me, bring back flashbacks and night terrors. I really don't give a f*ck. Other survivors will get it very clearly.

FLASHBACK

HOW I KNIT

WELKS 27 04 12.mp4

A SUDDEN DEATH

It is very wet again and I am hurting all over. I have been reading your messages about Fiona Colwill. It seems odd that she has passed. No more filthy laugh on the phone. Yes, she had a really good laugh. All gin and cigarettes. Not an insult. It's a way to describe her voice. Even when times were hard, and they were for her often, she laughed. She tell me her woes and before long we were laughing. Her dogs were everything. She lievd a long way away and so we usually only met at dog shows. She was here at least once and that time she brought two of the most delightful toy poodles. i almost wanted one. Only recently she was sharing pictures on here of her toy hopeful and it was either the daughter or grand of the one she brought to my home.

Not wanting to be morbid, but really, life is very short and for some of us it is very short. NEVER complain about your age. It really pisses me off! Not that that is is the reason you shouldn't complain. No, you shouldn't complain because you are effing LUCKY!!! Every day you have, is one more than millions of others. Some people don't get 53 minutes. Fiona got 53 years. I have 53 years. I am grateful for each day I have now. I am lucky to be here. If you are reading this then you are lucky to be here too, no matter your age. You might be only 20 something and still believing that death happens to others. It happens to YOU too. ALL of us. It is not to be feared. Neither si life. Too many of us are afraid to live and be happy.

I know that being happy and things going well is something foreign to me given my past. All the more reason to be enjoying it and refusing to fear that other shoe falling! It is such a waste to fear what might me when we have no idea. For those of us who lived in terrible situations for many years, but do not now, it is hard to let go and just enjoy. Enjoy we must though. I am enjoying every day I have. It took practice. It takes reprogramming of the self talk that goes on in our heads. It can be done.

Our day may come suddenly, like with Fiona, or it may come with warning. Whatever way it comes, just be sure you are not frittering away your time today. NOW is all we have. This instant. How we experience it is down to us It isn't down to others. Don't give other the power to decide on your happiness or lack of it!

I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY

Very good things are happening right now. 

We have become completely debt free. We have no mortgage now either. The house is being remodelled so as to accommodate me more easily and also give us more room.

Even my dog breeding and showing are going very well.

Neither of us have our health. I think I have accepted mine more easily than Joh  has his, but he too has come to terms with his COPD.

So why do I feel so lucky?

For starters, the life I have. Growing up I didn't know happiness was possible. I only every wanted numbness. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to get away from my family and stay away. i wanted a man to share my life with.

I got far more than that. Yes, I git the man and I could not have done better than my John. I also came to understand love and joy and peace. I experience these. I also came to love myself and accept myself. The fear stopped. I came to realise that it was never me. It was always them. I was not abused because of who I am. They abused me because of who they are.

Today there are drugs available that make living with my very painful disease much easier. At least three of the drugs I take were not available 10 years ago, let alone twenty. They became available just as my disease progressed to needing more help. John too has drugs that were not available 10 years ago. Both of us can live well into old age-80's 90's with our respective diseases.

John is lucky. He has a passion for his career and is continuing to work until 70. After that he will still write and probably lecture.

I am lucky because:

I love music and I listen daily. I can listen when I am too fatigued or sore to do anything else.

I have a passion for fibre. Knitting with it and dyeing it. I can do these things sitting down and when I am unable to do anything else. So i always have something to do and I am very rarely bored.

I have loved my breed, Lhasa Apso, since I was 12. They are small enough that I can still take care of their needs despite now being disabled.

I have really good friends. People who know me well and understand how I am. Not only am I challenging because of my disabilities, I get tried easily and cannot spend hours with friends, I am also challenging because I am an abuse survivor and as such I have and always will have quirks that  people just have to accept. There are days, not frequent now, when I am back 'there' and it is noticeable. John  and my close friends know this and they see it happening and they take it in their stride.

I am alive and I am having a really good life. I am grateful for it. Not because i don't deserve it. No. Because not everyone is as lucky as I am. I am even able to keep a positive outlook most of the time. I have overcome much and yes i did put a lot into the recovery process and it was extremely painful but I carried on forwards. Others were not so fortunate. I don't know why I have been. I am grateful.

There was a time I was grateful for somewhere to sleep, for a few pounds to get me thru the day, for a crumb of kindness. I haven't forgotten and I never shall.

I used to feel bad for not having a family. Now I am grateful for the family I have chosen and who have chosen me.

Singing sailors The Showbears - Britain's Got Talent 2012 audition - UK ...

SANDY CRACKS

Oh gollygosh! I hadn't realised how sandy the outside is now with all this brickwork and groundwork part done. The kitchen and hallway covered in sand. Will be bathing MG and Pussy today if I can do both. I just drugged up so will see. Slept well again but I couldn't beyond eight which seems to be my new natural waking time no matter what time I retire. It was 2am before I put the light out and still could not sleep beyond eight.

John is very pleased with our new door. In fact many have commented positively. We chose the new bathroom suite yesterday too. We more or less only had one choice as we want a higher toilet. It is still very smart though.

The tile border we chose turns out to be £15 a tile! Ahem!

Now that MG has dropped her season, she and Ada are okay again. Ada though is going to her new home next weekend. She is going as a pet to a really suitable home. The mother is stay at home and they have one 8 year old boy. They are so excited. Have had several calls so far from inside pet shops asking what Ada would like to eat and play with, leads, bedding. They are thinking of it all. Yes, a good home indeed.
I thought a long time about re homing her and as soon as I decided, the right home came str8 away.

The conservatory is going to take some time to complete. The base is only the beginning. It seems that it, and the electrics and tv aerials, might just be over with by the time the kitchen and bathroom work start. We still have a question mark regarding the flooring in the kitchen this is where I do my dye work. It is not possible to work without dye dripping onto floor. On the present tiles, it matters not as it just wipes up. We need to be certain that it does not stain the flooring we have chosen. No answer yet from the supplier.

Still, we are really looking forward to it. Our new room is going to be wonderful. Our present living room is going to be an office for John. I will also be moving my iMac and printer from upstairs into it. This means the upstairs room is just houses two knitting machines and my boots and wardrobes. The little yarn room will also become a wardrobe.

Hopefully, by the time of our marriage on July 7th, all will be completed.

LIFE IN HIGH DEFINITION

I did well at the pool. Am suitably tired. Having just Chase here means we are really getting to know each other. He is very loving and he likes to play with me. He is also pretty good at fetch. I take him out on the lead a few times a day as he cannot go into the garden. He is a bit iffy outside and is disturbed by barking dogs and large trucks but he will get better. Like his mum, in the show ring he shows his socks off, no sign of reticence.

The Sky HD box arrived today, not Saturday as I was told. I fitted it in less than five minutes. Very good picture and easy to install. I telephone them and was answered promptly. Nothing need to be done as I had already done it. We go over to Sky for broadband and telephone on the 24th.

The money we are expecting has yet to arrive in the bank. Fortunately all our house renovation people understand that at present we have no money to pay them! No worries, the money mst arrive and we are told no later than Tuesday.

PERSECUTING CHRISTIANS?

THIS WAS POSTED TO A PERSON AND I DECIDED TO USE IT AS A BLOG POST


I do not waste my time trying to get you to change your opinion. Your elites are yours and you have a right to them. What I and others strongly object to is people of religious faith trying to pass their ideas into law. In your country this has happened recently and your political life is all tied up with religion. It is especially hateful toward gays. It is difficult for me to feel well toward a person who believes I am sinful because of my very nature. I am not a choice, not a behaviour, not an aberration, not less than you. You believe otherwise and I find that hurtful but I can live with it as long as you keep out if my life. Unfortunately, far too many people who believe as you do are trying to take my liberty away and are steadfastly trying to stop the return of my human rights which are the same as yours but people who share your religion(and other religions) are determined to treat us like sub humans and would have us dead if they could. Now you say you don't judge others but your words belie you. You say you believe the what the bible says about sin. Therefore you believe I am an abomination and deserve to be killed. You can say you don't follow that but in actuality you do because you give succour to those who would have me dead. This is what Anne Rice means. It's like saying I am in the KKK but I wouldn't go against a black person.

I have found that people who profess the way you do, in the end, are just as culpable. I would love to think you are different. In 53 years of keeping my heart open and my hope going I have been always been disappointed.

The beliefs you support ruined my life. I was born to parents who believe as you. From a toddler onwards it was clear to me that I was not acceptable. It took years for me to realise that this was because I was not the boy they wanted. I was a sissy boy, not a butch boy. Thus resulted in being unloved and physically punished to the extent that I live with brain damage and 24/7 physical pain because of the damage done to be body in the attempt to make me other than the way I was born. I have never been able to earn my own living. I do not have a family. All because of what you believe. That I am not acceptable. Your refusal to see that I am not a choice or a behaviour is what results in the life I had. However, I had my own epiphany and I am a happy and grateful man. I k ow what love is. I am loved by my husband of 31years. He taught me not just how to love, because I knew how not to hurt, but how to accept love because I detested myself. I had no mirror for many years I hated myself so much. I cut myself. I didn't go out. Then after much pain and searching, alone in my bedroom and I screamed out if you fucking love then you show it NOW! Because I was so afraid and hurt so much I could not bear it any longer and I knew in that moment that God had to reveal himself or I would be finished. Guess what? He answered. I fell to my knees and wretched and wretched and the phone rang and it was the woman who has been there for me since '79, she didn't ak what was wrong with me, she just started to speak to me like was a little boy. I erupted and finally all that grief and pain came gushing out. It hurt. It hrt in a way I cannot describe. I wailed like an animal and she just soothed me and kept telling me over and over how I was not to blame, I was not the problem. I have changed since then. I do not self harm. I no longer dress in dowdy hiding clothing. I don't have night terrors, I don't have panic attacks, the PTSD is very mild now. I am over 100lb lighter. Today I know I am acceptable just as I am, that I am not a sin, a mistake, an abbé ration, or any other thing you might say. I am the way God made me and my love for my husband is not an abomination, not sinful, not shameful, not evil. No, far from those things, it is holy. As all such love between people is.

I had not intended to write so much. I will send though. I am not doing so to change your mind, I know that is pointless. I do so in order that you might glean a better idea of why people have antipathy toward you and others who think the way you do. Stay out if my life, and I will stay out of yours. I mean in a political sense. You must though realise that yes, you have responsibility for not just how I was so abused but for every gay person who is so abused by religionists (like the American Xians who helped draft the Ugandan death penalty law for gays) because although you may recoil in horror and offense at my words, you DO enable and embolden these people because you support their belief.
Perhaps I have at least explain to you in a way you might understand that since your beliefs are responsible for so much agony in other people, it is understandable that said people are not exactly enamoured by you. It is a cop out to say you don't agree with the way I was treated growing up and the way some still treat me when at the same you say you believe I am an abomination and deserved of death.

positive regard
Colin
(why positive regard? You are human and I view all humans that way. I can hate your belief because of the suffering it causes. Doesn't mean I hate you. Your belief can alter. It isn't who you are, it's your choice. Who you are is a human being who I assume wants what most want...peace. Why would I wish anything else upon you? If you found peace, you'd believe differently.)

A HOLE IN THE WALL

It has been an odd day. Recovering from yesterday so have been up and down both physically and mentally which can have its amusing moments. We went into the Huntington Tesco and there I nearly lost my cool with people who got too close, blocked my way, swerved by me, and basically behaved like a 14stone man in a 15 stone wheel chair was invisible.

Luque, Whitney, Ada, Chris and Pussy have all gone to stay with our friends Tony and Jackie until the building work is complete. I have jot Mary-Grace at home because she is in season. I have also kept Chase here because I did not want to take the risk of him being negatively affected by going away for a week at this age. He is a sensitive soul.

The house is not only weird for us but clearly for MG and Chase too. MG especially has been looking for the other dogs. Probably just so she can kill Ada.

Well, tomorrow is the big day. It's all go. The building starts. It is going to be odd to say the least having our living room outdoor wall being cut through but left in place until the builders of the top half of the conservatory do their build. I am sure they know what they are doing and maybe I have misunderstood but sitting here with a wall cut out but left seems somewhat precarious to me.

DISABILITY COSTS A FORTUNE!!!

Last night I went out like a light and didn't wake up until 10am! That has been unheard of for many years. I was not in bed until 2:30am because I was just sore after the show and needed to wait until I could safely take more drugs. Even so, 7.5 hrs of unbroken sleep is astonishing. When I awoke there was an alarm going off. I was up and looking for it before I was fully awake and before my body was working so I fell as I got off the stairs. John was there so it was okay. The alarm turned out to be our UPS (uninterruptible poer supply). For some reason it was a power overload. It had the same plugs in it as it has had for years so not sure why it went off. I removed an unnecessary plug and it shut up.

The dogs, except for MG and Chase, go to their holiday home today as the builders arrive at 8am tomorrow. I will need to be up at 6:30am daily now. I used to get up at 6 daily until the latter of last year when my disease dictated otherwise. I love the very early morning.

The builders are going to do more for us than just build the conservatory. They are going to concrete over the gravel strip. We had that put in for free by dog people we knew but it is totally unsuitable for dogs! It is very difficult to pick up dog poo from pls dogs like to chew the stones!

We will also have the back half of the garden completely re lawned getting rid of the gravel borers there too.

It has turned out that weare doing more than originally planned. I, I mean we, decided we might as well have all areas of our house and garden as we would like it.

I have to say that the new flooring and bathroom and stairlift, all because of me and my disabilities, is an expense that bothers me. I k ow it is for the best andi accept that. I think the Govt and those in the general public, have no idea just how much more expensive daily life is for people with disabilities.

For example, I buy ready prepared vegetables. The most expensive way to buy them. Why? Using a knife is often not possible and even when my hands do work it s too dangerous. I have cut myself badly a few times until I faced the fact I cant use a knife safely.

Underwear: this costs me more. I cannot just wear a pair of pants. I need lightweight long underwear, top and bottom, even in summer.

Travelling: I need to use the car. The cost of fuel is outrageous. Going on holiday is always by car because of what I need to take and the fact that Daniel, the wheelchair weighs 200lbs. Have to take my own pillow to keep my neck supported correctly in bed. I have to take so much an airplane trip is out of the question.

I point this out not out of self pity, but in an attempt to maybe educate others about stuff they don't understand. Not even I understood how expensive I am until I thought about it. I am very lucky though because I am in the position to pay. However, many, if not most, disabled do not have my advantages.

Just bear all this in mind when it appears that disability benefits are too much of a burden or that is handed out too easily. One it isn't easy at all to get it, and it is nowhere near enough! Disgracefully, a person who has to rely on disability solely, has a very poor standard of living.

NO SCHOOL TODAY!!!

It was really a wonderful day. A big thank you to Andy Horne, the husband of Hayley Horne. He made me a bracket that attaches to my dog trolley and then to my wheelchair so I can pull the dog trolley with my wheelchair. It works! I am astonished he did this without having to have my trolley or chair with him. It fits securely and it works safely. Thank you very much. Well, asi already said, Deita won Junior Bitch and two other classes. I dont think she has lost a major class yet. MG was 5th of 18 which is not as good as first but far better than no place a all! She showed really well. We took Chase and he too did very well in a pretend puppy class. Pretend as he is not eligible until six mthere to be shown.

I need to remember how much I enjoy the shows, how good it is to see people and converse. Lots of hugs. It really is fun. Yet before each show I balk at the idea of being with so many people. I still feel like the bullied nerd I was going back into the lion's den. It has yet to be like that. Instead it has been the enjoyable day it was today. Some things one never forgets, even at 53 and so far away from those childhood years yet they loom fresh in my mind as if it were yesterday. If you were the nerdy, ugly on, chubby one, never picked for the team, you will know what I am referring to. I am NOT that poor child anymore and dog shows are not school. Remember!!

IT IS OKAY TO KILL CHILDREN

It saddens and angers me to know that so many people think it is legitimate to kill men women and children in order to gain an objective. In response to 9/11 and 7/7, many of us decided it was fine to go an kill children. As a result hundreds of thousands were killed. Just how was this supposed to stop people hating us? How willing are you to have your children torn limb from limb by bombs in order to satisfy a political aim or lust for revenge? I thought so. None of you. Yet we happily cheer when other people's children are destroyed. Especially when they are so 'different' from us. We can even think they are not humans who think and feel the way we do. I cannot feel proud of our armed services for doing this. I don't hate them either. They have been manipulated and trapped and most are far far too young to understand their own mortality and the consequences of their actions. On top of that we have thousands here suffering grief, truly a terrible thing, because so many of these dear young men and women have had their lives revoked because of the machinations of old or inadequate men.

Just how are we going to have peace when we value human life so little? When even my ordinary everyday fellows justify the blowing up of children?

They cannot say they do not sanction the bombing and shooting of children because any fool knows that is war means!!!

PERSEVERANCE

That is two consecutive nights that I have slept well. It makes such a difference to my pain levels and my mood. Of course not so easy to tell if I feel less bad cos I am in a good mood or if I am in good mood cos I feel less bad! Whichever, I really appreciate good sleep which is five hours without waking. Now that is amazing for someone who wakes every 90minutes to move as I can't just roll over. The last two nights I have saved my last morphine dose until bed time. I never used to because it gave me bad dreams but I am obviously past all that now.
You know, several people have spoken to me about the side effects they got from morphine, tramadol or Gabapentin. I am lucky and have very few. Yes, nausea. Yes, to feeling away with the fairies. However, if one perseveres the side effects DO subside.mit is also possible with morphine and Gabapentin (not sure about tramadol) to start on low doses. I started on 5mg with the morphine and 100mg of Gabapentin. It does make me wonder how much these people are really in need if they won't do the necessary.

Untreated pain causes nerve damage. Untreated pain leads to pain that is difficult to treat. It eventually means large amounts of pain killers to effect relief. How do I know this? Well apart from informing myself about my condition, I was stupid enough to refuse meds for years because of the twattery I listened to from twats who in reality were plain ignorant. One, pain should be coped with without meds otherwise one is just a wimp and besides that if you go on painkillers you'll get addicted, lose your home and would be selling your body on the streets!

I am lucky, I have doctors who understand pain and palliative care. Some people have Dr's who have been overcome with twattery and thus they are just left with paracetamol for serious pain!

With long term serious pain one has to just accept it and not fight it. Don't think oh why me, or kid yourself you will get better and that it will go away. In fact try not to think of it at all. GET proper treatment and if drugs make you feel like shit at first, persevere with them. No matter how the side effects are, they WILL lessen.

FAMILY SECRETS

John

LOVE IN

ALL CHANGE

Today started off badly. After dropping John off at the station and Spock was picked up to be. Taken to he garage to be fixed, I went back to bed. Two and a half hours later I got up again. I feel much better for having done so tho I do wonder how tonight will go. I have only just taken my firs set of pain killers so the longer sleep did help me. I am usually on my second dose by now, 1:30pm.

I have an eye specialist appointment this afternoon. I will have to go in Daniel as I do not have a car. I am not looking forward to that. I always feel vulnerable in my chair it hour John with me.

The house remodelling will start next week of the tenth. The new conservatory will be first. The bathroom starts in May and we do not yet have a date for the kitchen. The new front door and upstairs windows will be done with the conservatory.

We are having an induction hob. I think this is safer for me and also more economical. Plus it us much easier to clean and it looks good. We bought several pots and pans from Le Creuset. We chose their non stick range as the traditional iron ware is just far too heavy for me. These non stick are just about okay for me.

The two boys, Chase and Christoph are in the process of getting there second teeth.this makes them vulnerable to upset tummies and also fussy about food. It looks as if Chase is going to have the perfect mouth. Christophe's mouth has never been a concern, having always been a reverse scissor bite. Chase's bite will be tighter. I am still very pleased with both pups but Chase is my heart's desire. Sarah tells me that she is very happy with their sister, Fern, especially on the move. Chase is a dream mover too.

I will be glad when all of te changes have taken place. Despite all of these changes being very good changes, I still find it much more stressful than I would have thought.

POSH PROBLEMS

UP, UP AND AWAY (NO BEAUTIFUL BALLOON)

I slept well again last night.  This was the result of taking a higher dose of gabapentin.  I have discussed my situation with the doctor and my dosage of gabapentin has been increased to 2400 mg which is double what I had been taking.  Not only does this deal with nerve pain,  it enables me to sleep.

 It is very surprising to me just how much lack of sleep affects me.  Don't misunderstand I do sleep I do not lay there unable to sleep. In fact I fall asleep fairly easily.  However, I wake constantly and I rarely sleep for more than 90 min without waking up.  This is not good sleep.  The drug controls the pain enough so that I can sleep without disturbance.  

 Obviously I have concerns  about all this.  Mainly, what lies ahead in the future.  There is a maximum dose of gabapentin that is safe and there is also a dose of morphine that it is rather pointless to go beyond.  Then we will have to be talking about the use of different drugs.  Although the chemist told me today that it is not necessarily so that I will need to increase the gabapentin again.  It is a matter of finding the right dosage that will permanently work.  It is not an addictive or tolerated drug.  Its main use is for epilepsy and neuropathic pain.

 The man who is going to do our kitchen turned up today.  He was on time.  He listened and he understood  how the dog cages had to be part of the plan.  He said that he has dealt with dogs before but not at this level!

 We have chosen real oak for all of the cupboards.  I am uncertain as to the surface yet. The sink is large and will fit a fully grown fully coated adult Lhasa Apso very well.

 The plumber is coming on Wednesday evening to discuss changing the bathroom into a shower room and also to check our water pressure because if the water pressure is good enough, and I think it is because cold water comes out very fast, the tank in the airing cupboard will be changed to one that works directly from the water mains so that our hot water will have the same pressure. This is essential for me to be able to bath the dogs.  It will also mean that we can have a plumbed in shower and not one of those electric jobs.

 We also have to have the largest bedrooms window changed and that has to be done before the conservatory is built.  It is just as well that I mentioned it to Mike, the man who is doing the conservatory, because it had not occurred to me that it needs to be done before that glass roof is put up directly underneath it!  The front door is also going to be changed as our wooden one is not completely sealed  and it lets in cold air.

 All of this is very exciting and of course it is also stressful.  During the kitchen work we will probably go away.  After this and the conservatory we need to have the whole house redecorated and down stairs much of the skirting board will have to be either replaced or repaired sufficiently where the Dachshunds and American Cockers  we used to have chewed it all up.

 No doubt there is stuff that I have forgotten to either write about or have just not considered yet.   The laying of the carpets and other flooring will have to be done after everything else is done. Either way this is going to go on for some time and I am just going to have to  take it in my stride.  I cannot see how we could stay in the house while the decorating and carpeting is being done.  The fumes from the paint would not be at all good for John's COPD and I doubt it would be that good for me!  I cannot really imagine being here whilst the flooring is being laid either! 

 Whilst the kitchen is being done we will go and stay in the hotel that we like in Calais, France and we will take day trips from there.  Bruges, Ghent, Brussels, Lille,  and other places are all reasonably close.  Perhaps Brussels is a little too far for a day trip now.  We do not need to go away whilst the conservatory is being done because that will not interfere much with my daily routine inside the house.  The dogs, however, will be going away.

EAT ME LICK ME!

EAT ME LICK ME!

SLEEPING CURE

Oh my! This is the first morning for weeks that have woken feeling good. I have been waking bad tempered or tearful for many weeks now. I have been VERY concerned this has been to do with the morphine and I have been convincing myself I have a problem! Mainly because it is hard to wipe old tapes and because there are STILL ingoramuses, both lay and medical, who fear opiate pain relief. By bed time last night I was 'high'. I couldn't understand why as my last dose had been many hours previous and I did not take more due to this feeling. The reason was because I had been on the go all day getting the house re-modelling organized, shpping and then bathing two dogs one after the other!

I took sleepers as I do before every dog show. I awoke feeling very good because I had 8 hours unbroken sleep! I did not go to the show. I was persuaded against my better judgement to agree to going. I don't think people have much idea just how much it takes for me to do a show. My pride would hate it, but sometimes I do wish my condition was more obvious! I get peeved at the lack of understanding at times BUT I am also aware how one can only truly appreciate this by either having the same or similar disease OR by being close to a person with it.

I think I am going to have to discuss with my Dr my drug regimen. From my own reading, it seems my Gabapentin intake can safely be increased to three times my present amount.

Today is the first day for ages, other than Cruft's day (and that was after a night of good sleep from sleepers.). I had forgotten I can feel this well.

It bothers me. I know I cannot take sleepers every night. No sleeper is non addictive and all stop working after regular use. Yet my biggest problem is not the 24/7 pain but lack of sleep. This causes more pain and the volatile moods and the fatigue.

TAMRON LENS 10-24MM ZOOM SONY ALPHA FIT

I am very pleased with the ultra wide angle this lens gives me. Will be excellent for photographing landscapes when we travel and also inside cathedrals and castles and stuff, and in German towns, without the need for em to step far back!

LADDER SOCKS

These were knitted on Chia Goo 2.25mm red cable circulars, simultaneously, each on their own pair. The yarn is High twist80% SW Merino 20% nylon, 365m to 100g
I used the Andersson Toe Up Construction Method and the Andersson Heel Mach II

GETTING MARRIED

July 7th this year is John's and my 31st anniversary. It is also the day we legally wed. At present, it is called Civil Partnership but this conservative Government has stated that by 2015, Civil Marriage will be legal for same sex couples and that we can, if we choose, 'convert' our CP to CM. We will of course do that.

This conservative Government says they are doing. This to end the blatant discrimination against gay and transgendered people. YET, it still will not allow it to take place in a religious ceremony. This is blatant discrimination still. There ARE churches and non Xian religions who WANT to marry same sex and transgendered people so they should be allowed to. NO ONE is suggesting a church be forced to.

Naturally, the bigots are out in force, claiming God is on their side. This of course is utter nonsense. They have no validity whatsoever for their belief. No more so than a person who decides to live according to way of life set down by J K Rowling in Harry Potter.

I find the idea of men and women having sex together repulsive. I also find the idea of two women having sex together to be repulsive. I am honest about that. I do not claim some book makes me think it! It is natural for me to feel this way. I would not seek to stop lesbians making love nor men and women making love. Nor would I try and hide my personal distaste for these acts of love in under the guise of moral superiority. People who are anti gay are anti gay not because of what is outside of them, like a book or some other person's view, but because of their own inner disgust. THAT I can understand. The disgust I mean because of the reason already given. I therefore do not think about lesbian sex or heterosexual sex! What I do not understand, nor accept, is them following through with this feeling to criminlis or marginalise or otherwise treat gay people as less than human.

These people will just have to grow up and become honest with themselves. It will happen. It will be called Marriage and it will be held up officially by society as every bit as valuable as marriage between a woman and a man.

In closing, those who site religion as their reason for treating gays as less than are liars. They follow their religion because it suits what they already think! If that wasn't so they'd do what any person of conscience does - they reject their religion!

My Family

Luque

DIAGNOSIS COLON CANCER

I have today figured out what has been causing my volatile mood recently. The person I have known the longest, 33 years, has been told she has cancer. Over the last few months of talking, I think I knew that what she was telling me of her symptoms was not good. She has a definitive test on Wednesday.

J. Was the first person to see who I really was. She never judged me or shamed me nor thought be mad, bad, and dangerous. She always says she saw a terrified little boy. Without her love and acceptance of me, I might not have been able to form my relationship with John. J. Had already shown me that people could be genuinely nice.

J. Has seen me change from that terrified hurting boy to the man I am today. Fittingly, on that day at the end of 2007
when I finally reached the grief of that boy that welled up in me in such I could not shove him back down, it was j. who was there and she let me release everything I needed to. I'll never forget how I felt on that day and I will never forget how she was there instinctively, knowing what was taking place in me. She actually spoke to me as if I was a little boy and when I questioned her later, she said 'well, of course I spoke to you as if you were a little boy...you were.'

So you can appreciate that I love this woman and she was the first person to really be there for me.

As I was in the pool and wondering why my mood has been so up and down, I started to think about her and I began to feel distressed. This told me that I had hit on the cause. I can't be bothered explaining too deeply but it is very common for abuse survivors to not know what they feeling and so having to think about it like this is normal. It is also common to just shut down or shut out hence this most obvious cause of distress has taken many weeks to come to the fore.

LISTEN!!!

Grrr! I am getting very wound up about people not listening to what I say! Today I have come home with a wireless router which I very clearly said I needed for my Internet connection. So what have I got? A computer to computer router which must be plugged into a modem. I don't have a modem! THIS is not what I asked for! This really gets to me because John does this a lot and it is cause of distress to me and for him cos I get angry. I try not to but it happens over and over. It brings to the point of tears almost though I tend to just think I am going to explode and that scares me.

We now have an iPad3. I have to say I really like it. I have also bought a Griffin 'pen'. Now this is excellent. I have no trouble at all now typing or touching screen. It works very well on a real keyboard too. Strange to me that I can knit very well with tiny needles and use this pen thing but cannot handwrite or touch type anymore.

We will see if the iPad proves to be enough. I use the iMac for big stuff like photography. The Mac Book Pro has become part of our hi fi set up, storing 10,000 songs, without John's, and streaming to the amp. So this iPad3 will be for email, Facebook and holiday use.

I don't know what I am going to do about how I feel. I seem to have a very low frustration tolerance. This not being listened to really pushes my buttons. However, it's still ME that has to find a way to deal with it without feeling like I will freak. It scares me. I never ever used to do this. I would never even stand up for myself. Now I have no problem doing so but I think I flare much too quickly. I don't hit people. I can get loud! I am also a plate thrower. Not at anyone. The amount of times I have felt close to chucking the tv or mac or whatever through the window. I broken specs and other stuff. Oh, do I sound totally crazy? It makes me feel like a bad person. It makes me feel not that different from my father though I have NEVER done to anyone what he used to do to me. However, my temper reminds me of his.

Quite why I am such an emotional time of it when everything has come together so well for us. Financially secure now for the rest of our lives, getting a remodelled house, a five star 'honeymoon' coming up, excellent dogs. My dreams come true. Wonderful friends. I just heard myself think 'and this fucking disease'. Oh dear. After all this time, now I decide to get upset about it?

Which reminds me. We went to see the Puma 40 today. Yetu another twat who did listen to me. The wheelchair is a TANK! It will not get into my Galaxy with taking various bits which I specifically said I could not do. I also explained we toured a lot and ate out etc. Not only could I not get this to a table, I would not even get it into the fucking restaurant! Most shops would be out of bounds. It is far too big. The 'Disability Expert' did not Listen!!!

I have typed all this very quickly and error free!

STARVING DOGS

British Airways commercial alternative

DO WATCH THROUGH-IT GETS FUNNIER.

IN THE DOG HOUSE

PMS

I do not feel good this morning, tearful. Stupid. I went and told the woman with the barking dog that she MUST take her in when she knows mine are out and hers is barking it's head off. She of course denied she just left her to bark. We did not argue though. I introduced myself shook hands and left. Hopefully this will be the end. I think i did it, finally, because we decided not to move so I HAD to address this problem. I am NOT losing my dogs because some twat can't or won't control hers. 

Then I have been  playing with my Macs. Now my iMac has 1tb and my MacBookPro 500gb. Far more than i will ever need. So I thought. To my horror there is 42gb left on my MacBookPro and iMac has less than 100gb left! So i am busy trying to see what is taking up so much space, putting the files on external drives. And then seeing what can be deleted. I am like I am with my house-I hoard and don't delete 'in case'. I have a drive that has died and I was going to take it to the shop to get it rescued. I have no idea what is on it. I have decided that I will not get it rescued. If I don't know what is on it, then so what?

I have also got my two macs to talk to each other and I can use the screen of the upstairs imac down here on my Pro. i have moved the music streamer to connect upstairs as the imac is more powerful. Now i play my music from upstairs controlling it downstairs. AMAZING! 

Right now Adele's 21 is on LOUD to try and drown out the drilling going on next door-for the 3rd day in a row. All day long. I think they are having the house rewired or something.

WINDFALL

Life can be very strange as I am sure you know.

My mood has been somewhat low recently. I haven't really understood why. Especially when everything in my life seems to be going so well.  Tonight my closest friend  suggested that it is precisely because everything is going so well and really good things are happening is why my mood has taken the plunge. She says because I am just not used to life being this good and my old tapes are always that things go from bad to worse.  Anyway, I am feeling much better.

There are major changes  going on right now.  First of all we have come into a very large sum of money which we were not expecting.  We have considered buying a bungalow which we could do tomorrow and still keep this house.  However, we have been very happy in this house and we have good neighbours. So we think we shall be making more alterations to this house than just the conservatory we have already booked.

We will have the kitchen totally remodelled and we will either have a double sink or one big enough to bath the dogs in.  We shall also have a Stannah chair lift put in and turn the bathroom into a shower room.  We will also turn the outside sheds,  which have a fully plumbed toilet,  into part of the house.  They are already made of brick. 

 We will have the whole house carpeted top to bottom and also redecorated throughout.  I will finally bite the bullet and get rid of almost all of my knitting machines and everything that goes with them.  I have to face facts that I cannot really put them too much use myself now.  It takes me a long while to knit just one sweater.  I will not however leave myself without at least one machine.

 Even after doing all this to the house we could still go out and buy another house!  So we are pretty much set for life.  My fears about the quality of life dropping considerably once John retired have now gone and in fact our quality of life will be greater!

 It feels very strange to be writing about such good things happening to ME.  This is the sort of thing that happens to other people.  I have always been very aware of how fortunate I have been to have survived what I have survived.  This, however is way way beyond my expectations which were very few. I just wanted to not feel bad all the time.  I never thought or dreamt about feeling good.  I just wanted to be numb.

 Now most of you reading this will no that I have serious physical pain 24/7 and you therefore may be surprised at the above paragraph.  Don't be. This sort of pain is nothing in comparison to the psychic pain that was my life for so many years.

 It feels very strange to look at a 5 bedroomed bungalow, which I did do today, and know that I could pay for it cash if I so chose to.  I do think though that I have made the right decision, along with John of course, to get this house the way we would like it to be and use the rest of the money for security and living well.

 I do agree with those people that have suggested that my day at Crufts really took a lot out of me.  I had not been to a dog show since last September and so to make my 1st show Cruft's was a big deal! 

 I also came to realise a few things about showing dogs, especially my breed which are usually such late maturers.  Elizabeth  who won BIS at Cruft's,  is 7 years old!  I was very lucky that Whitney became a champion by the age of 18 months and was retired before she was 3!  I realise that this is not usual and that I must bear in mind that the timescale for Mary Grace and any other dog that  I show will be longer. 

 Touch wood, at the moment Chase  looks to be exactly what I was hoping for and I am excited about showing him.  He has not got his 2nd set of teeth yet and we just have to sweat it out until he does because the teeth could make or break him!  Other than that he is a beautiful dog who is very well made and with the most delightful personality.  His jaw at present is perfect  and what I would expect it to be before the 2nd teeth come in.  He is now 4 months old and during the next 8 weeks I will know the answer as to what his bite will be!  This is a very difficult breed when it comes to bites. 

Sh*t Knitters Say