Monday, May 07, 2012

OBSESSION

I hate this about myself. I find it very very difficult to put it behind me when I have been seriously hurt and humiliated. I am still obsessing over last week's attack on my character. It bothers me mostly because the person is nothing to me and because I know that such people never see any wrong in themselves. They don't lose sleep. If they didn't think they were absolutely right, they wouldn't behave this way.


(I know this ties in to my past somehow but not sure how. I do know, and any of you survivors out there, know this: abusers NEVER apologise. If that is what you are waiting for, stop it. It won't happen. It is very rare indeed for an abuser to face that type of pain. People who behave badly, are cruel, hurt others, never think they do or they wouldn't be comfortable. This is just an aside to this post.)


I feel ashamed. Ashamed because I severely misjudged someone. I judged them to be decent and nice and I was very wrong. No this was not one misunderstanding. This was stupid me not taking enough notice of the first time this person's behaviour and attitude toward me were unethical and hurtful. How fucking idiotic was I to forgive and forget? Only to get kicked right in the solar plexus again only far worse this time because it was after I had reached out in compassion an understanding of a situation I had been led to believe by them had been very stressful and upsetting to them.


See, I am still obsessing! Really. It's the first thing on  my mind when I wake, thus the fear upon waking. Yes, this type of situation makes me feel fear. I have just realised why: fear because this incident was just so unexpected, so illogical, I fear what else could happen. If I misjudged this person so badly, who else have I misjudged and who else is going to go for the kill? Even on my outing to the gym yesterday, I did not hang out conversing as I normally do. My self trust is shattered right now.


I feel like slapping myself and telling myself to grow up, there will always be nasty people. Duh! I know that. I just don't normally think such people are nice and put myself at risk with them this way. What a fool I have been. And yes, I am very angry with myself.


Angry because I had plenty of evidence telling me the first time to keep well away, angry because I reached out because I thought they were human and feeling frail and upset, angry because despite myself I feel hurt and humiliated, angry because I am fucking obsessing about it, and angry because I am still so shocked at their behaviour. Angry that I walked right into it. Angry because I can't just forget it. Angry because it wasn't kept private. Angry because I now think others will be thinking what I am thinking about how daft I was to give this person the ability to cross me.


Well, I guess that makes me feel a little less cooped up, just writing it out. 
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