GETTING THERE A DAY AT A TIME

We have just taken Luque to the vet because we believe he is becoming senile because he is behaving rather oddly. The vet says he is otherwise healthy and he now has tablets to take twice a day which will ensure that plenty of blood gets to his head and see if that makes any difference to his behaviour. he seems quite happy within himself but as just behaved oddly and he did seem to have trouble with his balance on Sunday and sometimes he looks pretty vacant. I think nine years old is a bit young for something like this to happen but it might not be senility but something else which I don't like to think about and like human beings dogs get things the same as we do and it's not all hereditary it's just life and sometimes life isn't smooth and comfortable and happy as we would wish so we would just make the best of it or sit and cry from the rest of it which is not just pathetic but a complete lack of any self worth and strength. It's not fair we are people scream. Well life isn't fair and we just have to get on with it.

I am surprised how quickly I got over the troubles with my friends and it's because I realised that they weren't friends at all and that she had just been using me as a sounding board. Dick head hear loved her and saw her through the many problems that she has had and don't get me wrong they have been serious her death mute son developing epilepsy see developing breast cancer losing a grandchild and she is to come over to me and talk to me about all this over coffee and have a cry and then she would leave and the reason she came to me was good she didn't want me at our house because she wanted to be away from the man however that is not what she told her husband on Monday. she said I wouldn't go to their house because it was too difficult for me. This when he called and threatened me I knew then that I had been right about him all along and also unfortunately right about her role along.

This is going to prove rather expensive because we are having to have our wedding album redone to remove both of them from it. Not out of spite but because I do not want to be reminded of them every time I look at a book that is supposed to bring back just the happiest day of my life and not remind me each time what a decade I was in letting her be one of my witnesses and not following my gut a long time previous that she wasn't really a friend but because of her problems and her cancer I just felt too guilty to cut her out of my life. I got what I got because I didn't do the right thing out of fear. And I often find I don't do the right thing out of fear. I am learning though. I have defended people who I know don't give a toss about me because they haven't written at all during my illness and there can't be anybody who doesn't know about it. I find it very strange that the most support I've got the most loving and caring support that I have got has mainly been through people I don't know and befall those who get upset with me that I do know I am fully aware of your loving support as well. I truly appreciate all of you but I still must give the Goldstar to Jane Kruizenga Brown because she really did save my life and that is not an exaggeration she explained depression as a disease in a way that she knew I would understand and she was right. I don't like to boast but I am a very over intelligent person I say over intelligent because being well above average in intelligence is flocking pain. My doctor fortunately accepts it and never tries to fob me off because she knows I will only go and look it up. I read a lot on physics and the like and so Jane understood that if she explained to me in a simple but scientific way I would get it and I did get it loud and clear and within an hour of her phone call I had my first script and soon after that I had my first antidepressant. They were the wrong one from me but I only took them two days and on the third day I took the right one. And you can all see the change it is made in me. It isn't magic I'm not flying around and I'm still having down days but they are further apart and mostly I feel fairly normal for me.

Anyway I am off to the pool now love to all xoxo a

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MY NEW PATHWAY

This might be the way I blog because I find I reach so many people on FB and I know this because they tell me so privately and publicly. IT would seem the more open I am the more it helps others to gain insight into their own recovery which really surprises me. So as my disease has got much worse I can't do both and this seems ideal. I know some will hate it but I am not God nor superman nor a therapist. I am just a man who chooses to share my lie from childhood onwards in a very public way because it helps

I have come to terms with what has happened with my so-called friends because I realise that they weren't friends all. I never felt comfortable with him and when she used to come over for coffee it was just a dump on me all her problems and then she would go and never listened to me or mine and when the depression hit I never saw anything offer. She has lied to that to her husband by saying that I never went to their house because I didn't want to because it was too painful to walk the distance which of course it is but that isn't the truth she came to me because she wanted to get away from her house full of men. Basically I made my standard mistake of believing someone was true when they were not. I have so long time felt that I was used by her but because she had the cancer and had a lot of other problems I didn't really feel I could just dump the and to be quite honest I don't know how you dump people anyway. On Facebook is easy you just remove them from your friends list and block them that gives them the message that she is one who uses Facebook. However I did tell over the phone. I can't believe that a man who is higher in a particular profession that would take his threatening of me very seriously and yet he still did it probably because he knew I wouldn't do anything about it and I'm not going to I deleted the message. Because I don't want all that stress so I did it for myself and not for him either. I just want peace in my life and it seems that I'm going to have to have more of the clear out not that I can think of anybody right now but I will know as time goes by those relationships that are one-sided. I will be friends with almost anybody unfortunately I am naive and it takes me a long time to realise that I am being used and sometimes I find out in a shocking way like I did this time and other times while still in a shocking way but not quite as hurtful as this was. I do not want to become hard or bitter or difficult to approach. I know somebody with a heart of gold who is very sensitive and is really lovely but she has such a hard exterior that it frightens people and it keeps them away and she does this because she wants to be protected from the sort of pain that I experience on a regular basis. I am not criticising our at all but I do think that she could be missing out on some very good friendships that are real. I feel very flattered that I got letting and in case you think I'm talking about you I am talking about a few people who are like that and to have let me in and become close friends with me. So I'm not letting any cat's out of the bag nor am I describing you in particular because I can imagine that there is one or two people that will automatically think I mean them in a private talk I might say something different but they must remember that I described them as lovely sensitive good people who have grown hard exteriors and I just don't want to be like that I think the way I do it is that I appear to be how people see me but there are those I let into my heart and narrows that I don't and I guess this woman I never let into my heart despite the fact that she was a witness at our civil partnership. I did it because I felt if I didn't I'd never hear the end of it. I had to make a choice out of several people and I made the wrong one. Fiona Overton I made a mistake and it should have been you. Although you tell me your problems in your heartaches you always have time for mine. As does your daughter. Although because she calls the uncle and sees me in that way she is more likely to tell me her problems than feel comfortable listening to her uncle's problems. At least that's how I see it Sophie Vinciguerra so do tell me if I am wrong.

I am going to go through the process of having our wedding album which will be very expensive but I can't have it with those two people left in it and it has nothing at all to do with spite but I don't want to be reminded of the pain and humiliation every time I open the book. It is ruined for me because of course they take quite a centre stage since they were at the top table. And that is the only reason I am having them removed I am not a spiteful person I am just an oversensitive one and it would seriously hurt me to look at them and be reminded constantly. I hope that can be understood as the way I have put it and you don't still think I am being spiteful.

we are both still ill but unfortunately John is far worse than I am of course because of his dress difficulties in the first place and my ordinarily drugs not only do they hide from me that there is something wrong but they deal with all the symptoms as well and so I am not on antibiotics until they become necessary or if they become necessary. Quite often they do but about a week or so from now because the morphine stops me coughing but when I have a chest infection if I have one I don't really know about it until I do cough up a small bit of green and then I know I need to go on antibiotics.

We actually had a very good visit without doctor on Friday and I think it is getting better and I'm going to like her well. I ought to have trusted Ruth's ch I told her yesterday that she was like most doctors and had OCD but I can't remember what it was she was doing that made me say that and it made me laugh and she agreed with me sorry it made her laugh and she agreed. It is that sort of banter that makes me feel comfortable with the doctor.

Gosh this is a very long post and I am sure I lost most of you ages ago but I am finishing now and if you did get this far then you deserve a gold star which I can't give you but(My heart#) c ~ Download to see & send fun emoticons on Facebook ~

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  Colin Knitman Andersson-Hamill
  

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THE PROGRAMMING OF OUR BRAIN

 I am reading a book at the moment which I think I would recommend to every abuse survivor or victim. It is called the boy who was raised as a dog and other stories. It is written by neurologist and it explains very well how our brains are damaged by the abuse even if our abuse was not physical.

It has certainly helped me understand myself much better and it has also taken away a lot of the self blame I have over my behaviour and especially my self harming behaviour because according to this book I could not do anything else as my brain was programmed to do this is by the abuse to give you an example of very simple one:

When I was about six and after a particularly upsetting abuse scenario I went and I ate a load of cornflakes and sugar. This made me feel numb. I did it again. And again. By doing this I laid down a neural pathway  which means that when ever I feel pain or abused all discomfited I want to eat these "comfort" foods.

There are other more complicated pathways like my dislike and distrust of men which has been with me since early childhood. I remember turning up at school for a new term. I was about seven years old and up until then I had only had female teachers. To my horror my class teacher was a man. I hated school from that day on.

 even today I have to make a concerted effort when it comes to men despite the fact that I'm gay and I am married to another gay man whom I have been together with the 33 years. (While it's unlikely I'll be married to a straight man I think that little piece of information about him being gay was unnecessary :-)) 

 the reason I think this book is such a good book for us to read is that it takes a lot of our pain away slowly it's not a magic recognition.  However reading it it slowly dawned on me that much of what I had punished myself for I had no control over.  I have yet to finish this book but still feel confident enough to recommend it. I found that from me it explains so much about my behaviour and how especially at the age of 55 I was still battling to stop or cure behaviour but I have no chance of being able to do and neither is it my fault. As a child on neural pathways  asked set down according to our experiences from birth onwards and we have absolutely no control over it at all. Absolutely none. This is true of everybody those who were loved and cherished and those that were not we have no control at all over how our brain set itself. I see it rather like a computer and we had no control over how it was programmed and we have very little ability to control that programming today. We do of course have to do what we can. Some of this programming can turn a c us into sociopaths but with help we can still made choices with help that do not cause pain to others. 

 Although  well above average IQ I do not feel comfortable in saying that I have interpreted this book correctly however I do feel very comfortable in recommending it as a read that will be of help to most victims and survivors. 

NEW YARNS