TAKING A BREAK

I am too ill to write for now. I am not gone and I will be back but I can't give at this moment.

SUICIDE

John and I went out to a spiritualist meeting this afternoon. All the time I kept looking at the back of this woman's head being absolutely certain that I knew her. When it was over and she turned around I knew that it was the lady I knew. I knew her daughters as well and I had a very long chat with her husband I'm talking at least an hour or so in the supermarket. Two months ago this man killed himself. He has an evil family. They tried to have his wife and her children who they don't like thrown out of the service and all of the time the service was going on they were heckling and such until it got so bad the Minister got the wife and children out. 

This man spent his whole life trying to get his family to love and accept him as he was. He was very sensitive and gentle and they were not. I don't know if they were but they sounded like some sort of Roma or crime family just by their behaviour.

 anyway I am sorry to say that I think the man was wrong to have killed himself to leave a wife and seven children behind and wife who thinks it's her fault that she should have been able to do more or seen it coming. I just hugged and harder and stroked her and told her that it wasn't her fault and when she realised that she would be able to grieve and then be able to live properly. I just think it is so wild that we have been discussing suicide the last few days and I then come across this happening to somebody I know reasonably well. This is a case where I think he should have sought help and thought of his wife and family and not just of the pain he felt because his own family didn't love him. I understand fully what that pain is like because that is the same with me my own family never loved me or accepted me but I won in the end after a lot of pain and attempts at ending my life. I stopped at the last one because I had taken a ship load of drugs at about 6 PM and new that I would not be found until at least 7 AM by which time I will have gone. I was not gone I was in a coma though and remain so for a few days and then was put in a mental hospital because my family lied and said that they had no  idea why.   well they were hardly going to say well yes actually we didn't love him or accept him because we wanted a butcher son  not this sensitive soft unnatural boy.

I understand this man it took me until I was in my 30s before I stopped looking for them to accept me. I realised that they needed to earn my acceptance of them and they never did get that. I don't hate them but I certainly don't love them and I am forever grateful that they are out of my life. I do know that they know about my blog but whether they know about my Facebook I don't know it depends how savvy they are.

 Anyway I really wanted to just hugged that woman's pain away because I had a fair idea of the pain she was feeling although not completely because of course this has never happened to me but grief has  and grief in the end is grief no matter what causes it. All of us who have suffered grief have that bond between us even if the cause of the grief is completely different. 

 Please send your good thoughts to my friend. I haven't named her faultless reasons but I believe that the good thoughts for my friend will still reach their target. And you know what I don't really give a toss about those who don't believe that this works because it does work and I've seen it work.

It is one reason why I find it very difficult to being groups of people for a very long and white dog shows people would see me in my spot knitting hoping that this would keep people away from me. It sounds awful because I like them very much but there is only so much I can take. My good friends who live close by who come and visit know when it is time for them to go without me having the say anything because I wouldn't be rude unless I was really really bad but normally I would never ask them to leave but they have an instinct and  know when it is time to say goodbye to me. I think only one good friend Judy Morant  saw me leave because I was there to have my dog mated both were virgins and I just couldn't get them to do it because they were both far too eager and I couldn't align them so that his penis went where it should and she is expert at getting the dog's penis where it should be. Anyway it was stressful for me and I had been there for quite some time and not even I was aware that I just disappeared for a while. She said she now understood what disassociation meant. She said it was really quite spooky to see because I was sat there in front of her in my body but I wasn't there. H

CAT

CAT: I am sorry I accidentally deleted your message. Would you please write it again? What you said was pertinent though hard for me to to read.

MY OWN STRUGGLE

 I know that I have been writing here very sporadically and I feel very guilty about it because this was set up primarily to help other survivors.

However, I have been hit badly by several happenings in my life in the last couple of years that have caused me to have flashbacks and severe mood swings. 

I have been writing on Facebook because there I do not have to wait long for words of wisdom to come my way.  people really are very kind.

But I feel that I have neglected the survivors I write this blog for.  All I can say is how sorry I am but right now it is the best I can do.  maybe I shall start to write here instead because what I have been going through does fit in with all that I have said  about what we survivors have to contend with and how an unexpected happening can bring it all flooding back and can make it very difficult to rid oneself of its negative effects again.

 And I have to say that I also feel ashamed because I was writing this blog to show how possible it was to recover and yet here I am in a complete mess again because of happening that cause flashbacks and in two years I am still not back to normal.

 it isn't just that my physical disease has got bad and I can no longer sure my dogs. So I feel very sad and unhappy in fact heartbroken about that it is what I worked so many years for. I did have a lot of success.