Alexander 24 05 14

ALTERATIONS

I had a reasonable sleep. waking up a lot but otherwise fine. Felt no need to take anything. I feel me usual crappy self which is a good thing. Maybe this 'withdrawal thing' this is going to be intermittent. I don't get it but am determined to stick with the oxy.

It will be hot today. The lounge was already 27c when I got up. John is home. I guess we will do domestic things and continue watching Game of Thrones 4. We have 4 because i have Amazon's Prime and it includes loads of free films and series and the GoT was bought in HD and is mine forever u less the 'Cloud' evaporates. I have been watching Under The Dome which seems much more interesting than the book. I find Mr King far too wordy now though I normally don't like his film version as. I think I find this enjoyable after two episodes is it is new to me. Who knows if I will stick with it? I must watch this as it streams though. It isn't saved as it is completely free.

I know some people really care about me but I would really like a favour please. Do not go on about when I return to dog showing. It hurts. I am getting used to the idea of not doing so. It was a pull to take Alexander tomorrow as he is entered but it will just open up a huge wound if I do.

I have been enjoying my dogs in a way that I have not done so for years. All the pressure of keeping them in tiptop condition has gone although none of them look any different to when I was showing them. You should see Alexander as he glides across the lawn. His coach trials the floor. And he has an easy coat to care for it. It is also easy to groom. I intend keeping  Winston in full coat when he is mature merely because he has the right text on coat he is a true deep black and will not have a difficult coat. After all it is this that drew me to the breed.

Rose will be going to a handler as I promised that she would when Megan has finished being shown. Megan will have a letter and as long as I get a top-quality female in that letter she will be gifted to her handler. Bette Sillito-pearson  already knows that I will not give up Megan until she has produced me a show quality pitch to continue breeding from. I will be continuing to breed the occasional letter but only from top quality females to top-quality males. I will reconsider if I find that no one is interested in buying shows stock.

I really want to just enjoy John's and my retirement. Yes, I do call it a retirement from myself as well. I think I'm beginning to let go in ways that are good for me. To give you an sample which some of you will be clueless as to its importance and others of you will get it straight away.

When I swim I was religiously counting each lap as I did it and I would find all sorts of ways of remembering which lap I was on and I would get very upset if I lost track. Recently keeping track has been more difficult but I consoled myself with the knowledge that I was swimming for the same amount of time and so therefore must have done the same amount of laps. Now I don't even bother to count. I get in the water and I just enjoy the swim and I think about far more important things and some good ideas have come to me or some realisations have come to me because I have let go of the counting. I even count the stairs in my house as I go up and down them even though I know how many there are. It is a PTSD thing (and also an autism thing which has you know my doctor puts me at the high end of the autism scale.  it was a dog friend that first suggested that I talk to my doctor about autism. Throughout my life many people have made the suggestion to me but I didn't understand autism and only thought of rain man and I knew I was not like that. My friend though said that I did not know how to read people's faces although I am not sure about that and in fact probably disagree however when I read that famous book The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Nightitme,  I identified so much with the boy and was rather horrified to discover that I did a lot of what the boy did and have done all my life and I would never even have mentioned it to a doctor because it just seemed totally normal to me. I have gotten over the not mixing my food together but I still eat my food in a specific order.)

As usual I have gone off on a tangent. Oh yes I was talking about having given up the counting while I am  swimming and just enjoying the swimming.  I am extremely grateful that I learned to swim when I was a boy because otherwise today I would be wheelchair stuck and fat for. I love being in the water. I hurt much less in the water although I do have to take extra painkiller in order to be  able to swim the amount I need to to keep my bones and muscles active and my weight down. I would do this even if I was one of those lucky devils who could eat whatever they wanted without gaining weight. It matters not that I am more likely to survive famine than those who remain skinny no matter what they eat! Why on earth anybody thinks that is of any comfort I don't know. Which brings me neatly onto the subject of cakes and stuff in supermarkets.  they sell a whole cake and they have written on it serves six. They should add the word pixie after the six. SERVES SIX?  Who are these six people that would be happy with a slither  of cake?  if I were truthful I would say it would serve two.  And by two I mean two slices.

 Getting back to the dogs. Perhaps it is becoming in my mind very similar to the way I feel about myself. I do not need you to tell me how I am. I like and love myself and it doesn't depend upon you. I can see whether my dog is a champion quality dog or and I really do not need  a person to give me a green card to say that they also think so. Let's face it all those people showing in limit and open think the same way about their dog otherwise they would not be showing it. This is only just occurred to me.  I am not going to shorten my life and ruin my time with John chasing around the country getting those three cards. Yes one could say that I'm just a boy whistling in the wind trying to convince himself that it is okay not showing. Seriously though I am pleased not to be there today. When I look at Mary Grace completely shaved off I am so proud of her because she is outstanding and as Andrew Brace said she deserved her title. She will never get it but I really do not care now I know that she is worthy and that is what counts. It is hard to explain the difference in feeling I have towards the dogs now but I am certain it has to do with all the tension having left me.