Sunday, February 12, 2006

12th February 2006

Sleep had been difficult to come by. Sleep was something to fear. If he closed his eyes, the blackness would envelope him and the demons would take him away, drag him down to eternal damnation. He may have been only 19 but already he knew he was damned.

"Demons possess you, ' his brother had said. "You are not one of the chosen. You are evil! The Bible says so. Those books you read, they are possessed by demons. Demons stop you believing. All the trouble you have caused, your time in the mental hospital, all caused by you and your unbelief. YOU have let the demons in! You are possessed! The Demon of Smoking! The Demon of Homosexuality! The Demon of Unbelief! Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother! Pray for you soul! Only Jehovah can save you!"

It went around and around in his head. His brothers words. His stomach burned with fear, his chest constricted so he couldn't breathe. Yet somehow, he moved. He had to get away. He has washed his hair and now that it was wet, he was searching through it, with the large mirror in front of him, using his fingers to pull and separate, looking to see if he had the mark of Satan on his skull. The number of the Beast. Frantic, he pulled his hair this way and that way, trying to get a clear view. The mirror became a wall of flame and out of the flames leapt a vicious animal, teeth gleaming, as it roared toward him. He had never felt such terror. He scrambled to his bed and lay there on his back, praying and holding the Bible open across his body. It didn't work. He leapt up again and pulled some clothes on. He called to his father for help. Even in this state he was taken aback that his father had reacted the way he did. He did as he was asked! No argument, no fists flying, no scorn, no abuse. He just did it!

The drive he then took was taken in silence, his father mute, and he just about holding himself together. Everywhere he looked, he could see demons. Rushing by, whooshing up to the car window. He was willing the car to go faster, faster, please faster, get me there! Would he make it in time? Was it already too late ? Was he damned? Would Jehovah save him?

Before the car had come to a halt outside, he had jumped free of it and with all his strength, he pulled open the doors of the Kingdom Hall.
"Please, help me! Save me! Get these Demons away! I am sorry, please help me! Help me!" He collapsed on the floor, holding his stomach as if he had been punched. His breathing was rapid, he was drenched in sweat, was pale as can be and his eyes darted wildly.

At that moment it was if he had left himself. He saw his brother staring at him. The look on his brother's face was that of mortification. Yes! He was ashamed! There was no pity, no relief that his words had finally gotten thru to him, no thanking God his brother had been saved. Instead he was mortified at what his brother was doing. He was looking around at the others and then at the Elders who had come over to see his brother, still on the floor shaking and begging for help. They didn't pray! Instead, they talked about calling an ambulance, how the young man prostate before them was obviously disturbed and needed medical help!

In that moment of sheer terror, when he had been lifted out of his body , he could see! They were frauds! All of them! His brother was a fraud! His brother was embarrassed and ashamed! His brother didn't really believe at all! It had all been a sham! Instead of rejoicing at his brother's turning to Jehovah, he was standing there wishing they didn't know that this wretch was his brother!

Later at home, he watched fearlessly as the carpet undulated in front of him, crawling with insects. Was amused by the pictures on the wall talking to him. He lay on his bed, still terrified of the future but now knowing he had no need to fear demons other than those in human form!

Eventually he slept. When he awoke, something had changed within him. He had begun to take the long route to his own salvation. Oh much more suffering was to come, much more fear and doubt and the total aloneness and devastation that would almost destroy him but lead to his rebirth had yet to come. But this was the beginning of his road to peace.
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