Thursday, July 21, 2005

Shetland Fair Isle / Death

I finished this yesterday. It is Shetland wool, a yarn I love. It is not the softest of yarns but I really like the texture for it's visuals. I am lucky in that wool of any sort doesn't itch me. The yarn is 4ply, oiled, and I knit it at the highest tension available, 10**, on my 940. I did the design in DAK. This was one of those sweaters that was a problem from the beginning. Everything that could go wrong, did! Now once finished and sewn together and washed, I noticed an error in the pattern! I wonder if I can live with it or will go to the charity shop?
This is the sleeve detail. I did dropped shoulder but with a 5cm cut in on body both sides. I have found fairisle does not lend itself well to shaped sleeves-set in or raglan. The cut in does make a difference to the underarm bulk.

I had a weird experience last night. I had been on the net searching for something and came across a name I recognized. I followed the links and found my brother had become some sort of guru!!!! I told my partner who then told me that my brother had been trying to get in touch via my partner's work. He had not told me. It's a long story. Anyway, I thought I'd email to see what was wanted of me, as I knew that would be the only reason my brother would want contact-it would be about him. It was. He also told me that my Mum had died a year ago and that I now had a step mother as Dad had remarried. I went to bed and I had a recurrence of a dream that has plagued me for many years, over 20. Only this time the nightmare did not follow it's usual course-me waking afraid and not wanting to go back to sleep. This time I awoke happy. Whatever the dream was about, it was resolved last night. I have been free of my family for many years now, I have been blessed. Yet there was always this doubt. Now that has gone completely. Whilst I have never known how to contact them, they have always known how to contact me. They didn't let me know my Mum had died and they could have. It has taken much work and much suffering to heal myself of the past and this episode shows me in no uncertain terms that I have come a long way and that the path my healing took was the right one. Some people will remain in denial all their lives and will always prefer to have a scape goat rather than do any honest healing work. I find it sad, and amusing, that my brother is a 'family healing' guru!!! His 13 emails to me since last night show me clearly that he hasn't healed anything, that he still has no conception of what took place in our young lives, his part in it(by keeping his mouth shut and not speaking up for me which had dire consequences for me), that he is still thinking he will get the love he craves from our parents, that he still values material goods above all else. I found it odd that a 'spiritual guru' should boast to me about his home, his Mercedes(he has named the damn thing!). Sadly, he still wants that loving family we didn't have. He won't get it. He also won't get closure until he faces the truth and it looks, to date, that he won't do that. He used to be religious fundamentalist and now he 'channels' and charges a great deal of dosh for people to hear him . I tell you, if one wrote a film script about our lives, it would be turned down as unbelievable.
It is good to realise that my own healing work is as solid as I hoped. Growth is ongoing for all of us and we avoid it at our peril.
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