Monday, December 03, 2012


Lunch out with friends turned expectedly emotional. I found a conversation led me to a place I didn't know was there and didn't have a chance to avoid it once it was obvious what was coming into view. 

My dad.

Came into full view.

I thought I had buried him. 

I had won. Despite everything, I became myself and am living a very happy life.

Then my Dr tells me there is a chance that my neurological problems stem from his hitting my head so many times. The one I recall the most is the throwing a bookcase at me my which slammed other side of head into ornate coffee table head. And other fun times.

Now I knew something was brewing but I couldn't' think what. Maybe I am not so accepting of my physical problems after all. Maybe I am a fraud and really resent this or just can't pretend I have balls can deal with this like it appears. OR, and this was more like the truth, I ought to find all of my dog's homes now, because anyway John is old and can't hear and he'll be dead soon and then I won't be able to look after myself, let alone the dogs, so I might as well go now because there is no way I am ever ever ever going back into an institution and where could one be assured of one with no abuse or neglect. Exactly. Nowhere.And besides, why on earth, even if the carers were all angels, would I want to be in a place like that waiting to die and in the meantime need daily humiliation. No thank you. Not for me, Seriously so. Not for me. All of this sure to happen. The houser enovations ahve been a utter waste of time and money because John now needs ear aids and can't wear the damn things because of an ear infection which won't go away, so he must me dying sooner than I thought and then I won't be able to look after myself nor the dogs and I don't want to be on of those people who let their house get smelly and their dogs ungroomed and unwashed and shit filled cages so I have to rehome them  BEFORE I then do the obvious, except I have to wait until John has snuffed it and what if I become incapable of doing it before he dies? then what? I'd still be alive, he'd be dead, and I would be taken  into care and straight back to childhood.

So that was what the thinking has been like recently.

When really the chat with the Dr brought something I didn't know I felt and I didn't want to feel it either, more to the point. 

You see, I have been really proud of becoming the man I have become because in order for me to become me, I had to beat him. I had to undo all the damage his mind fuck of me did. I pretty much succeed. Great life, successful long term marriage, living a good life and not only that can deal with physical pain 24/7 showing I was not weak willed, soft, cissy he always siad I was, with such disgust on his face. 

Well, if he permanently damaged me physically and my neurological problems are the result of all those head knocks as a child, whilst my brain was developing, then I had not beaten him at all. He'd won. He's permanently damaged me. There is no getting well from this. He'd won after all.

My friends and John all roundly disagreed with my assessment of this, as they think, even if it were the case he caused me permanent physical damage, I still overcame him.

All I know right now is I am very confused about it. I feel such an ager toward him which i have not been aware of before, I feel like I am grieving yet again over shit that has been raked over and over and over and I thought I had well and truly killed him dead, out of my life forever.  Meaning, I felt I ahd finally become myself, the biggest victory I could ever I had and i could live with the knowledge of what he did to me, knowing he didn't want me as his son and know deep in my heart that HE was the problem and not me. I still know this. I know I was  not the one who needed to be different as a child. I know that aman who does that to a child is not an adult and is a coward. I know that. Those who have known me the longest know it too. They know Colin prior to the epiphany which gave me this knowledge about where the problem lay, not with me, and how that knowledge changed me. And let me become me.

Now I feel that if he did damage me physically, I didn't survive him after all. This is with me for life. Which means he is. No matter what, what i do, what I think, what I feel, epiphany or no, he is there 24/7. 

So this is what has been bothering me and the crazy stuff up above about John dying and my house being the papers as a den of bad dogs and mad owner was the crap going around in my head to avoid me thinking the above about my dad.

PLUS on top of this, I have felt bullied by certain people in my dog show breed fro quite some time. Recently i wrote an article, correctly factual, and it has started up all over again. The same few people are out for me. Now when I first came back to the UK in 75, it was clear I was disturbed and later mentally ill. In the late 70's early 80's when  i was trying to get my life together and fulfills my dream, I was also mentally ill. It showed. People could see it. Well I know for a fact there has been gossip, current, about that Colin who no longer exists but he did exists and for truly terrible reasons, and shame on you people, you ought to feel compassion for me as I was and not use use it now to shame me into shutting up. What you have been told about me is lies but I am sure you don't even care about. What you are doing is bullying. Yes. Plain old bullying. Shame on you, especially on those who I have felt compassion for among and tried to help you out and you turn around and thank me with this. Well, the mentally ill boy you thought you knew doesn't exist and a good caring and compassionate man does, but also no longer a fool and not blind to the malice of others any longer. I believe in giving people chances. I know when that chance has gone. It has gone. I am not ashamed one iota of my past, of having been mentally ill. I had the spirit to overcome it all and more and took more courage and strength than you will ever understand. I think the biggest mistake was thinking I was stupid. 

Well the paragraph above is quite clear and I understand that. I know what i think and feel about it and I will ignore it or stand up when and if I need to and make it very clear to these people that their behavior is unacceptable and they will not bully me into lying or hiding genetic facts.

The f*cking dad part, I am lost on. I need to find a way past it. I know what i have written and usually I come to my own conclusion but with this I can't. Today I feel physically weak, cold, trembly, the way I do when having an emotionally gruelling ordeal which this discovery today has been for me. I didn't expect to talk about it tonight. But I have. 

It is no good pretending oh it probably wasn't his actions but is unconnected. That could be the truth. We will never know. So I have to fin d a way of thinking I can live with this knowledge, than much of difficulties, those that will not go away and may continue to get worse, might have been caused by him, and not have it feel like he is back with me 24/7 and that he has in the end beaten me anyhow because I cannot fight this one. I could fight for my soul and I won that. I found who I was, I found my spirit, and I know me and my inner self HAS survived him. I cannot make my body well and if he did that too, I find it really to explain the rage and greif that makes me feel, that he can still control me until the day I die,  through my fucking disease! I had no control back then over what he did to my body but I really felt free of him. Do you see? If HE damaged me permanently, I will never be free of him.

Okay, so now through writing I know what the issue is but have no idea how to resolve in a way that adds to my life because right now I feel robbed of all my hard work. 

I don't know how to get past this.
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