Monday, August 13, 2012

GRIEF-A MIND OF IT'S OWN

It is 11:48am on a bright and sunny day, not too warm. Jack the gardener is in mowing the lawn, John is on the telephone to the insulating company trying to re-arrange a date for them to come and do their job.

I have had some odd feelings recently. Last night I had a long dream. Well it seemed long. I will give the short version. I was in a very crowded college and I was not feeling comfortable due to the crowd. This is true today. I don't like crowds. Cut to next scene. I saw a young man, a boy really and he was clearly distressed and lost. I was able to get to him. I hugged him and I told him what I know now. Afterward, he was happy and re;axed and his dull clothing had changed and he waved me goodbye with a big grin and asked if I liked his vibrant shirt. This was when I realised the boy was me. It makes sense because I have been feeling regretful recently that i did not know back then that the abuse was not my fault and that it did not happen because of who I was but because of who they were. I don't need to be told the past is gone. I know. I still feel grief for it though. All those years of suffering. wasted it seems to me. Most of it a blur. A life un-lived, just survived. So unlike today. The flip side being that most do not get to where I am-a life being lived authentically-with the knowledge it was never me and was always them. Grief though has a mind of it's own and does not take solace from now. I think I will always feel sad for the boy I used to be.

Below is what i wrote about Bournemouth Dog Show:

CHASE 3rd in MPD, Pussy 3rd in PGB and MG 1st in LB. The day got off to a bad start. I had parked, unpacked, and attached Daniel to my dog trolley and as I pulled away, the wood holding the bracket snapped. No choice but to walk the trolley over to my breed's grooming area and coem back for mDaniel. When I got back this woman parked int eh spot between me and the next acr, effective
ly preventing me opening the doors on the passenger side. I would not have been able tio unpack had she done thta beforehand. As it was I was not going to be able to pack my car. Plus, there was ample parking further down. Only one entrance so it made no different where she parked. I politely asked her to move, explaining that the disabled area was meant to have larger gaps between cars for wheelchairs etc. I got a flat NO. I explained again why she should not be there and all she kept saying was the security man had told to park there. (I am just following orders type of person.) Well, i lost my temper with her and told I thought she was stupid and self centred and I was appalled at how soem people treated their fellows. Yes she said, so am I!!!! I then wheeled away because my ire was well and truly on fire and I just had to go. I complained to a show official who ordered a uniformed man to follow me and sort he woman out. well, he out of ear shot of the man who ordered him, used his walkie talkie to call another security man. Well, the man turned out to be a boy and he had no gumption. He and the woman decided that when I had to leave, I reverse my car, thus freeing the sides and at the same time BLOCK the exit!!!! On top of this an old biddy could not resist putting her ore in and said 'you don't need that, I've seen you walk!!!!' Now the woman who blocked my car had her affix and website plastered on the back of the car. i want to tell you the affix but John thinks I ought not. Anyway, she had Labs. i do wonder how a disabled person manages to show Labs. I ahd to leave it at that. No one was prepared to make this woman behave decently. Infuriatingly, had she driven on, she could have parked CLOSER to the entrance and NOT had to show utter disregard for other people.
My dear friend Sarah Bedford, came to the rescue at the end of the show. She helped me pack my car. i could not have done it without access to the passenger side. She was furious too with the woman and was thinking of ways to block her ! Not seriously I am sure.

I stayed with Sarah and her husband last night. They have a lovely house with a garden one needs a sit on lawn mower for. It was just beautiful to sit there having dinner and watching the dogs. i have video and photo. My dogs reacted really well. they loved and all three ate the dinner I brought with me for them. My dogs tend to always be okay as long as they with me.

It was a very windy day which for long coated breeds is a pita but I find it quite good for me because it stops me faffing and fretting. The day would have been much nicer had it not started in such a stressful way and had i not spent most of the time worrying about how I was going re-pack my car. Despite my life experiences, this sort of behaviour and attitude from others still astounds me. I mean they KNEW exactly what they were doing, what the affect was going to be, and they simply did not care. I really do not understand that. How does a person get to be so indifferent to others?


Whitney is in season and I am planning a second litter from her. Poor Chase is confused. he has not quite come of age, 9mths old, and he is whimpering a lot of the time and following her about but he seems to not really know why.
PS: I FORGOT TO ADD THAT IN MY DREAM I ALSO WAS TOLD THAT I HAD NO PROBLEM WITH REGARD TO MY DISABLED STATUS AND BENEFITS AND THE GOVERNMENT OVERHAUL. WE SHALL SEE.
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