Monday, January 02, 2012

I NEED DRUGS!!!!!

I would prefer this post to be positive but then I write it for me not for you so I need to be honest.

I don't feel happy right now. Oh, not depressed, just upset. It isn't always possible to ignore people.

One thing I will NOT tolerate from anyone is their mocking me or trying to shame me when they disagree with an idea of mine. i never mind disagreement, just as well, but I will NOT be mocked or shamed by anyone. This was someone I had in my friend list and with whom I had discussed things before. I was completely taken aback at their nastiness. More so when they seemed to think all would continue as normal. NO! They are not on my list now. I just don't have such people in my life. Don't respect me? Then fuck off.

What has really upset me was that during a discussion about end of life and disease and drug therapy, I mentioned my troubles and the drugs I take. 

This brought some horrendous posts, attacking me, accusing me of being an addict, or warning me I will become one, or that I ought to be looking for other ways of dealing with my pain and other arrogant twaddle. Not ONE word of empathy from anyone. Not one word about how awful it must be to have to live with 24/7 pain. No. Just judgement and downright mean spiritedness.

I know these people are not important to me. I was shocked by their attacks.

For years I suffered because I believed a lot of twaddle about medication. I refused to take meds. How I lived with the pain I do not know but I know it was awful, it severely limited my life. It made me very difficult to live with and made my mood dark. I did not enjoy life.

All because ignorant people with an agenda had convinced me over the years that pain medication was bad, turned all users of them into addicts, and destroyed lives. This on top of the real horrors I had experienced with psychiatric meds, which I did NOT need but was the way they chose to keep me quiet, I was very very reluctant to take drugs.

At the end of 2007, I was in so much pain, I gave in and took my first dose of Tramadol. WOW! Did I get high? No! Did I feel anything? Yes! Within an hour I felt relief from pain for the first time in years! After a few days I was at the Dr concerned that the drugs were making me high. Why, she asked?  I feel really good I said! Well, she said, you will be if your pain is down!Duh!

The most I have ever experienced is a facial flush and a feeling of vagueness from taking morphine. 

In the 4 years since then, I am still on Tramadol but also Gabapentin (added this year-makes a huge difference and is very effective in pain dampening enough to help me sleep. Meaning it is not a sleep inducing drug but keeps the pain from waking me, thus I get 6hrs usually without waking.) and the dreaded Morphine was added almost 3 years ago. I am still on all of these and they work. I take varying amounts of the morphine depending on pain levels.

Without medication, I would not be able to toilet myself, dress myself, bathe myself, eat or cook for myself. Not permanently. It varies, some days better than others. Without medication I'd have a very limited life. 

Rather than say I am upset, I guess it is more truthful to just say I am angry. I just don;t know how people can be so ignorant and cruel and in their arrogance f think they have every right to question a person's medical needs!!!! WTF do they think they are?

Why has this post turned out to be me justifying my medication use?

GRRRR!

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!! No one but me and my Doctor has ANY business discussing my needs.

Now some facts: untreated pain causes nerve damage. Not taking pain killers makes it much more difficult to deal with the pain when one does take the meds. Meaning when I first took painkillers it was only when it had reached a pitch I could not cope with. i have a high pain tolerance. Anyway, I would then take the pills. The relief was limited and didn't last very long. I resisted the advice to take the paracetamol and tramadol 4 times a day to keep the pain controlled and to use the morphine as a top up when the pain grew. it is possible that the reason i now take a lot is because I refused to do this! By so doing, I added to my problems and it now takes more to do the trick. I just could not get my head around taking drugs when I didn't feel the need. Taking pk's 4 times a day when I was not in agony seemed wrong to me. It seemed wrong because of the ignorant views about drugs and addiction that I had been taught.

Now I take my pills regularly, I don't argue. I am able to live better as a result. I take enough to give me a good quality of life. No, drugs do not make miracles! I am still limited. I still cannot live as if I don't have a disease. I don't expect to. So whilst drugs enable me to swim, for example, it does not enable me to live as if I were not disabled. Exhaustion overtakes me. I may not feel the pain activity causes, but I still get overly fatigued. Like Joh n and I walked the other day. Although it was pain free enough to complete the walk, John had to take my boots off and help me undress when it was over. After a dog show he often has to do the same.

Anyway, if any of you are like I used to be and are 'soldiering on', thinking it is good to not take meds, think again. there is nothing weak about taking meds. They have been developed for a reason-to help us! There is nothing heroic in suffering needless pain. My good friend has only recently taken up my suggestion that she try Gabapentin. She has and the difference in her quality of life was immediate. Like me, she resisted drugs. Like me she was afraid of them. She thought they would stop her driving, doing dog shows etc. It has not. What it has done is make her much happier and more able. It is a real pleasure to see the difference it has made in her.

Well, I feel better now! Now i am off to pop some pills!

(PS: yes drugs can shorten life. We know this. We have to decide between a possibly shorter life which is liveable or a long dependent pain filled life. Which to choose is obvious!)
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