This is not one of my better days.
I have been having nightmares and generally disturbing dreams again recently. I can feel myself withdrawing into the dark place.
I have realised why. This has happened before yet clearly I did not learn the lesson of the last time.
For a while now I have been involved in heavy discussions on an Internet page. The discussion has been about religion, the abuse of women and children by the Roman Catholic Church, and subjects along this line.
As the time has passed I have found myself becoming more and more disturbed in my daily life and in my sleep. Whilst I did become aware fairly quickly that my involvement in these discussions was the reason, I did not withdraw from it. I felt that I really ought to be able to handle this. I also began to wonder how good my recovery could be if I was so easily disturbed.
I realise that my thinking has gone to pot! If I were to be in a situation again of being sexually abused or bullied on a daily basis I am quite certain that I would become disturbed again fairly quickly and that this would be no reflection at all upon the work I have done or the state of my current psyche.
I note that I still so easily doubt myself and blame myself for not being strong enough to withstand the mental onslaught that so reminds me of my childhood! I seem to think that either I have full control of PTSD symptoms or that they have gone altogether. I know neither to be true!
It is totally futile to even attempt to reason with the unreasonable. People whose ideas are their sole reason for being are extremely unlikely to be reached by reason. Even if they are, it is not for me to try. It is also quite unreasonable for me to expect that I can deal with all the triggers this arms in me without it having a detrimental effect upon me.
Firstly, on the positive side my new regime with regard to swimming is working out very well. I am not exhausted and it seems that I shall be able to do this four times a week.
I am having problems with pain, unrelated to the swimming because it is neither worse nor better since my new routine started.
I am going to have to speak with my doctor about it because the last time I saw her, if I understood correctly, she does not want me to take anti-inflammatories too often, neither does she want me to use the morphine too often! To be blunt I have to use one or the other. She also suggested that I move onto a patch. I am not willing to do that. One, because morphine disturbs my sleep badly so I do not take it in the night, and I like the fact that I can control my use with pills. The patch would take that away. Plus I would imagine it would float away when I swim!
One thing I have done, for two nights in a row, is take the paracetamol and tramadol just before I go to bed. I have not taken painkillers before bed before because I thought it was a waste of time. However, the last two nights I have slept for five hours before waking in pain. It is possible this is just coincidence but I shall continue to take those just before I go to bed to see what the result is. I am not prepared right now to increase my daily dose to 4 times even though my prescription has always been for that amount, I have only ever taken it three times a day. I find if I take it in the morning as soon as I get up I can usually cope until late afternoon and early evening which would then allow the third dose to be just before bedtime.
That is it for today.