Wednesday, February 09, 2011


This is not one of my better days.

I have been having nightmares and generally disturbing dreams  again recently. I can feel myself withdrawing into the dark place.

I have realised why. This has happened before yet clearly I did not learn the lesson of the last time.

For a while now I have been involved in heavy discussions on an Internet page. The discussion has been about religion, the abuse of women and children by the Roman Catholic Church, and subjects along this line.

As the time has passed I have found myself becoming more and more disturbed in my daily life and in my sleep.  Whilst I did become aware fairly quickly that my involvement in these discussions was the reason, I did not withdraw from it.  I felt that I really ought to be able to handle this.  I also began to wonder how good my recovery could be if I was so easily disturbed.

I realise that my thinking has gone to pot!  If I were to be in a situation again of being sexually abused or bullied on a daily basis I am quite certain that I would become disturbed again fairly quickly and that this would be no reflection at all upon the work I have done or the state of my current psyche.

I note that I still so easily doubt myself and blame myself for not being strong enough to withstand the mental onslaught that so reminds me of my childhood! I seem to think that either I have full control of PTSD symptoms or that they have gone altogether.  I know neither to be true!

It is totally futile to even attempt to reason with the unreasonable.  People whose ideas are their sole reason for being are extremely unlikely to be reached by reason.  Even if they are, it is not for me to try.  It is also quite unreasonable for me to expect that I can deal with all the triggers this arms in me without it having a detrimental effect upon me.


Firstly, on the positive side my new regime with regard to swimming is working out very well. I am not exhausted and it seems that I shall be able to do this four times a week.

I am having problems with pain, unrelated to the swimming because it is neither worse nor better since my new routine started.

I am going to have to speak with my doctor about it because the last time I saw her, if I understood correctly, she does not want me to take anti-inflammatories too often, neither does she want me to use the morphine too often! To be blunt I have to use one or the other. She also suggested that I move onto a patch.  I am not willing to do that.  One, because morphine disturbs my sleep badly so I do not take it in the night, and I like the fact that I can control my use with pills.  The patch would take that away.  Plus I would imagine it would float away when I swim!

One thing I have done, for two nights in a row, is take the paracetamol and tramadol just before I go to bed. I have not taken painkillers before bed before because I thought it was a waste of time.  However, the last two nights I have slept for five hours before waking in pain.  It is possible this is just coincidence but I shall continue to take those just before I go to bed to see what the result is.  I am not prepared right now to increase my daily dose to 4 times even though my prescription has always been for that amount, I have only ever taken it three times a day.  I find if I take it in the morning as soon as I get up I can usually cope until late afternoon and early evening which would then allow the third dose to be just before bedtime.

That is it for today.


valerieB said...

Hi Colin: I find that if I do not take my meds before bed I have a very restless and wakeful night, thus not a good rest to deal with the next day. Over time that lack of proper rest shows in more pain and difficulty during the daytime.

Oh, and by the way, years ago I wore a meds patch and it stayed on during swimming, showering, bathing, everything; I really had to pull it off when it was time to change it.
All the best,

Anonymous said...

On the topic of internet discussions, I completely agree with you. Many years ago I heard someone say "Be careful of the company you keep because their words and actions will affect you." I have seen this to be true in my experiences. A person can be affected even by subliminal activities. My moto is "Think positve and be a positive person." This keeps all the demons at bay and I am a much happier person.

Julie said...

Hi, Colin,
Might the emotionally upsetting stuff on the internet be having a bad effect on the pain? My bet is to completely ignore those stupid people and see if that helps the pain. In my case (I have an autoimmune disease, Sjogrens) the two are connected for me.
Julie in San Diego

janalee said...

Two things: I think that your attempt to educate others about the dangers of blind belief in any religious dogma is well-meaning. I also think it is impossible to convince anyone against their will, and most of the people on religious forums are convinced of their righteousness.

Secondly, my MIL suffers from chronic back pain. She has been on heavy-duty opiates for years to control the pain. Recently she has been using a topical ointment made for her by my FIL, who is a pharmacist. All the ingredients are prescription only here in the States, and need to be mixed by a compounding pharmacist. She has been able to cut out almost all of her oral medications, because the topical stuff is so effective. I do not know if this would be helpful in your situation, but thought I'd suggest it, in case it might help you.

Oh, and my household all agree that Whitney's puppies are adorable! We enjoy the movies/pics of them.