Wednesday, March 18, 2015

LONLINESS-IS LIFE BETTER? The more my disabilities worsen, the less I see of others.Yet I don't talk about my ills to visitors but life, about them, I want to know about THEM!!!

 I think it is a much better idea if I write my longer comments on my blog so that I can get back into the habit of writing on my blog for my own benefit and for the benefit of others as they have told me such.

As you know last year was a very dark year for me.

The show's season has started again and I feel bereft all over again. I have been lonely most of my life. I was lonely in the way only an abused child knows loneliness. I was with John Long time before I began to be able to do things, artistic things, like knitwear design and knitting on machines. I did very well at it and I had some patterns published. So although I was very busy I was still lonely until John came home in the evening because at that time we lived in London and so he was home every evening.

I resorted to friendships, if you could call them that, with people I'd not normally mix with-criminals and dealers. It shows the level of my esteem that I was pleased they took me. It took a long while what I had put myself in line for. I used to take my carless neighbour shopping. I didn't mind, I just wished she would not go to so many shops. One she came running out of a shop and told me to go, get away from from here. I drove home, and when she asked about another trip I said no. I was in all sorts of mess or could have been were I not so lucky.

However, they kept me alive and am from going dolally.

Loneliness seems to be the theme of my life mostly because I was too shamed to make friends. What if they found out what an evil person I was letting those men indulge themselves in me or on me. I lived in constant fear that people would find out.

 I don't ever remember feeling depressed like I did last year. I spent most of my years numb.   I only want seriously kill myself knowing that I would not get caught. I would come home from work grant hello the same as I was grunted hello and then I went to my bedroom and no one expected to see me till seven in the morning. This was more than enough time for the concoction of the hundred or so pills to work.  they should have. I came around just as the doctor was saying to my parents that it was highly unlikely that I was going to survive. They thanked the doctor but more or less ignored me.  I did it because it was the only way I could see of escaping.

I have been driving at the normal speed according to the speed set up. For some reason this annoys other drivers  and survey to their horns at me as they overtake only to be stopped by traffic lights!

 Unfortunately the drugs was still not allow me to swim and I long for the day that I'm able to get into that water where I feel so weightless and where I can go somewhere else. 

 it isn't just the competing of the dogs the I miss but the people and I felt part of it and not excluded. I might well have my talents but they are done singularly and on my own they are not something one can do with other people.

 I have some lovely friends that they live a long way away from me and are too busy to spend time talking on the  phone  or on Facebook because they have proper lives.

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