Saturday, November 09, 2013

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS(in other words I started to write one thing and my mind just took over.)


We rae home. Alll  but two of the dogs are at the holiday home. I have to oil MG and Megan in the morning and they willl be droppped offf on our way to Antwerp tomorrow as we have to passs the home on the way as it is on the same road we drive along.
It is cold. Winter has arrived with no autumn it seems.

WE went to pick up a tail coat jacket that had to be altered for me. Watch out for it , osssibly at Cruft's. I ended also buying a beutiful merino/cashmere sweatwr that zips up tp the neck, giving a nice cosy neck. It feeels funnny buying jumpers after 35 years of knitting y own. I stilll can but there are ceetrtain styles I just cannnot do. I am pleased to say that on of my outfits does include a cashmere sweater I knitting mhyself-the mint greeen one.

I juts dyed, using Dylon, a pair of white jeans and they have come out very badly. The first time eveer this has happened to me. I always found Dylon reliable. Not this time. I am no dying a pair Roewoood and will seee what happppens to them.

I am now excited about my trip. I am now ceetain that my down period of the Bi Polar is over as I ave been level for two weeks. I am nott too up either. Hopefullly if I have another episode it willl be in 15 yrs time, a little longer thna this one came. It reallly yoook  my by surprise and rather than frighten me or upset me it shamed me because I was embarrasssed. How could I possibly let people I have this didorder? Trouble is would have beeen bettter to have said at the beginnning because so mnay of uyou knew something was wrong me. When ever John was at a show with me, they always asked him how I was even though they had already asked me and go the usual 'i'm fine, thnak you indly'. I didn't know people cared so much how I was. I am not atupid and know I am not loved by alll, in fact by very few, but I am treated very friendly by a lot of people, even those I could have sworn disliked me. This means much to me. At schoool I was the one veryone bulllied or ignored becasue I was strange. Of course I was because I wa sbeing being abused. In those days no one ever asked those questions. I know a couple of teachers knew something bad washbapppenin g ot me bu they ouldn't or werte tooo scared rto, do anything BUT they treate dme very welll. One lady teacher would take moe out to tea and ven tooook me to the teachers quarters for crumpets and cocoa. Can you imagine a teracher being alllowed to do that now? Yet I am convinced this teacher saved  y life. She gave me love and I am certain that had she no given me that love and attion when I 6-8 yrs olf, I'h not be a nice or goood man today. I'd be dead or a sociopath. 

We never know what our actions mean to another and how they can save lives. Yes, that extreme. Imagine a person walking along the streeet, plannning on how they willl kill themselves. You walk past and smile at them and the suical person puts it offfbecasue just maybe there are more people like you.

There is a str8 man I know, two actualllly, who gbreeet me with a ug and a kiss. Neither of them k ow what that means to me. It means a tremendous amount.  They have  no reason to do it. They want notinhg in return. It is juts one man showing love to another in a way we are not used to. It means so much me because my dad never touched me unless with his fists. So these two men have no idea the good efffect they have on me because there is no abuse of any kind intended and neither want anything from me. It is hard for me when people are kind to me because it mkaes me wonder what they want OR that they are setttng me up to be humiliated or tobe hurt in some way.
I am scared of people to put it mildly. I know people think I am extrovert because I ahev learned to play thta role, especiallly at the dog shows. It is my big perfromance day and I can telll you sometimes I arrrive in my car abd I feeel so sick and wonder if i cna pulll iy offf again. I always manage. It is why hyou seee me quiet an dk itting in the corner-it is how I put myself in y bubble when the noise and bustle od those around em becomes too much and my skin feeels electried and as if it's juts tooo much and I want to be at home listening to usic on  y own. And no, I dn;t feeel bad, I LOVE going to shows once I can get over tat feeeling. Sometimes I don't manage the act all or someon e willl piush a buttton either deiberately or my acccident. Afetr alll not very one knows me. In fcat very few know me. I think those who I let in  are often surprised to discoveert that I am not this loud extroverted show off i apppear to be at alll. Quite the opppoiste if fact. So my close friends are special. They acccpet that to be my friend, ther are friends with a Colin who is often different and t ehy don'/t try and ch age me but supppoort me when I am hurt scared boy Colin or loud and overbearing scared boy colin and when I am juts level Colin who is ecccentric. I was going to say and when Colin is ;norma' but I never am. I think meven my Dr would worrry if I appeared normal! Didd It elll she was going to pout on my noyes tat I have IPM once she is has read more of the medical literature on it. She fullly agreees that it is very fitting and expolains much. 

Gosh I wonder how mnay of you got this far! Congrats if you did. Right now if there was a groiup of you I'd talk and talk and talk and talk......Sometimes I just neeed to purge myself and be sure my friends are my friends even when they knw alll of me. I have experienced toooo mnay friend lossses because they could not tkae me as I am.  I do un erstand whay they can't but it stilll hurts. I know how complictaed and diffficult I cna be. I am not an easy ride. But I am not boering eikther and my love for others is real and is given quite quickly but I no longer acccept shit from others so whilst I may relustcantly let go of you, the goood feeeling i initiallly hbad is stilll there, much to my annoyance!
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