Tuesday, August 02, 2005


I find 'speaking my mind' via email so much easier than in real life. My heart still pounds but I KNOW no one is going to kill me or hurt me physically. 46 years old and I still fear that. The amount of times I was so nearly killed, luck saved me. The worst I remember, (disregarding being throttled) was having a case of books thrown at my 10 year old head and having the other side of my head smashed into an ornate cofffee table leg, very nearly killing me and then being blamed and shouted at because of course causing this to happen was my fault. From that night on I didn';t ever kiss my dad goodnight. Stupid fool was proud that i had 'grown out of it'. Did it occur to him that I hated him? That I never grew out of wanting him to hug me and love me and make me feel safe instead of making me sick with fear? It took years to give that hope up.
Well, I guess it isn't too much of a surprise to realise I have had a crappy week and my emotional state is a bit volatile to say the least. It is only just over a week since I heard of my mum's death and all that entails. I am also now having a 'flare'and in much more pain physically than usual. Even this blasted Tens thing is not helping, so walking the dogs has become too much just now.
Anyway, so what did i do? Allow some inconsequential slight to become a big thing and went to town on it on one of my lists! Oh I still think that what i think has gone on has, but I really should have ignored it. After all, it isn't really what is bothering me is it? No, even I know that! I guess when i feel in so much pain and really wound up too, I just don't find it so easy to let things go and I can make a fool of myself and make things worse. Misdirected anger and hurt don't help me at all. Yes, maybe i had a little cause to be a little annoyed, maybe. Yet I let these situations blow up and become my childhood scenarios and then people become the enemy and off I go protecting myself in such a way as to make myself look foolish! So much for not letting people live rent free in my head!
I think letting go is a process. It waxes and wains. Sometimes it doesn't bother me and other times it consumes me. Of course, my physical condition doesn't help-the more pain I am in the more i am likely to react in ways I'd rather not. So any way, once again I feel excluded from a 'select club' of people who share a common interest. They aren't a select club, it just makes me feel that way.For whatever reason my face doesn't fit. I have never been good at sucking up. I like to think for myself. Mainly cos I don't trust anyone. Another oops! Well, truth be told, I don't trust anyone. I know it isn't logical that just because those that brought me into the world were so sick and dangerous, doesn't mean that no one can be trusted but I can't bring myself to believe that. I also, paradoxically, still tend to believe that others are coming with good intentions. I don't understand why people wouldn't be. (Oh grow up!) So I still get miffed when I perceive they are not. I got into so much trouble in my past from this very mistake and I still make it! On the other hand, although I know loads of people and can't go out without loads saying Hi, I still keep myself pretty much to myself. I let very few people in and when I do, it is always by reminding myself that this too is probably a mistake but I am willing to give it a go.
Today, I sat for a while in the garden watching the puppies play, along with the adults. What joy. I am so lucky. I could just sit there and enjoy them. They are the same towards me no matter what i am feeling, how I look, what mistakes I make. Oh and I also discovered that Tilly is definately pregnant, by palpation. Next week I shall have her scanned to see how many. A good idea I find, becasue then when the labour is here, I know more or less what to expect.
Anyway, I have prattled on enough.
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