THIS LION DOESN'T ALWAYS SLEEP!

This is embarrassing to say and if any of my friends think it better tI remove it, please tell me. 
Anyonwe who knows me and has read about my past, knows the hell I have lived through. Most will also know how well I live with it. I have been left with brain damage and a diseased body which causes sever 24/7 pain, but I get on within it and live each day the best i can. I live very well, I have

 a very good life and I had some good. What i do not not understand are those people who want to ADD to my pain. The friends Iost when I became successful with Whitney. They judges who took great delight putting me down the line in favour of their friends. Then those who are deliberately mean spirited toward me when I have never ever done anything to them. I am no malicious, I have never been. I give people the benefit of the doubt and the last time resulted in this woman shitting all over me again, making up more malicious lies about me, and now seems to to be stirring the pot again. Why? I have no ideea why people do this type of thing. I am not malicipous, I don't understabnd the need to be, I don;t understand trhsoe who pretend friendship but use what they kn iw about me to manipulate me. One really good thing about having been iopen about my shilchood sexiual abuse, the time ine hosptitls, etc means that pwople cannot use this against me as everyone already knows!

It has taken me more courage and more strength of character than of of these wankers could possibly muster. I have more bottle in my little finger than they will ever ever have. I survived seeing my best friend murdered in fron of me when I was seven. I survived a vioplent, nasty bully of a father. I survived him knocking me out. I surived the bullies. I survived the teaxhers who thought I was as issiy and therefore deserved rthe bullying. I survived the nuns and priests, one qof who siuggested that jesus wiuykld forgive my suicide bu not my homosexuality. I surviderd being held down and forcibly drugged, many times, all in an attemp to shiut me up so i could not would not talk about the abuse. I wa sinvoled in the inquiry into one of the hospitals where the absue wqs funallly frecognized. When asked why i said nothing, my resoonse was to say 'whio would have belkieved me?"

I went through hours of police interviews about waht the teaher diud to me who was a child pornarapher. I was 11/12. I had to be de detalied about thwat her did. When it wa sall over I was told my yestimony was of no use use because I had a mental health record and therfroe couyld not be relied upon to be truthful. People didn't belive victims. So this man as far as I know was ver stopped and now wioth the internet, it is likely that pornogrpahoich film and images of me are around there and other pervs are watching me abused and getting their jopllies. And no one give a shit.

So iof yohu think I am odd, yes I am. I could ajve been a total fruitcake. I could be 'shut down' completely. I could be a sociopath. I could be anything but what I am: a kind and generous eman who hold no hatred for any one but but who is very hiurt by the con tinued abuse I recieve from people for no apparent reason. It seesm that having an opiniopn in dogs is not allowe dun less you are part of a cliqie and having a dioffering opinion is enough to be trashed and gossiped about. You know I was thrwon out of a aclub because I was not the ype of memeber anted. Why? Becsusei Kept my dogs coppped inncages right up the the celing, I had tooo many and I bredd loys of litterrs(this could ahev checked with the KC and wouyld ahve seen that tha the max in oine is 3 and moatly just 1.)

I have NEVER done any people harm. I have never done anything that deserves tyhis disgusting trreatment. I have gtried to begfriend soem people and have been re
buffed. They don't even give me the chance of getting to know me.

What shames me the most is how hburt I feel about it. I find it hard to acceopt that there peope who are just plainbn nasty. They do not care at all about the feelin gs of othertrs. They seem to enjopy causing pain to others.

I am deeply cponfounded. I don't get it. I know I can't stlop it but I need to fiond a way of it not hurtingn me, making me feel afarid. It does make me feel afarid. All the fear from tmy childhood comes back at timees like this and I have to work hard to remind myself I a,m not a child and this is not the same thing,

I will tell you now: I will NOT sgtop showing my dogs. I will keepi going as long as I posissinly can and maybe even end up having to hve someone else sjow my fodg for me or sell them for tohers to show.

My apologies for the typing. I have not used the vopice to thype thing because I don't want John to hear how upset I am. I feel like am immagture chgild allowing myself to get so wound uo by this h=nastiness. I feel tupid for feeling hurt, stupid for allowing these people to affect me, and I still would rather they go to nknbow me and see I am not the monster they believe tI am.

ABUSE TRIGGERS

t is not surprising that I am emotionally all over the place and I know that there are many other survivors who will be feeling exactly the same way and for exactly the same reasons.

JIMMY SAVILLE

it is all over the news every day and has been for a few weeks now. For those of you who do not live in Britain you will not know what this is about. Jimmy Savile was a highly entertaining philanthro

pist. He raised millions of pounds for children. For their hospitals for their treatments for their holidays. He was considered a saint.

We now know that he was a paedophile. We now know that he abused hundreds. We also now know that those people whose job it was to protect those that he abused failed in their job. We now also know that plenty of people knew that he was a paedophile and that he was abusing but they were too afraid to say anything in case they lost their job or were made to look foolish if they were wrong. I have always said that child abuse happens because we the general public and allow it to. In this case of Jimmy Savile it could not be more clear how the public not only did nothing to stop him that actively helped him.

Anybody who is a survivor of childhood abuse will be in emotional turmoil over this particular case because it covers just about every area of our lives that were destroyed. First of all our trust, the ability to trust, was destroyed by the abuser but also by those who refuse to believe us or who blamed us all who diagnosed us as mentally ill and therefore nothing we said was of any value. If we still refused to shut up we were forcibly drugged and kept in a stupor for months on end and when these drugs affected our behaviour in a negative way, with extreme agitation and violence even towards oneself or towards one's others, we were then deemed to be suffering from a highly unpredictable personality disorder.

I know as only survivor can possibly know how this news story has ripped open our wounds yet again. I can only hope that those survivors that are reading this are in the same fortunate position that I am: I live a very good life and I have a husband who loves me dearly and who not only puts up with the swings and roundabouts of living with a survivor but he has actually learned what being a survivor means and how it affects our behaviour. Of course because I love him and he is the closest person to me he is often the one that I lash out at. He understands when I zone out. By this I mean he understands that I am not ignoring him but that my mind has shut down because something rather has triggered off a memory. And this man slept on a settee for nearly a year because my night terrors were so bad that he would be battered and bruised. This of course would make me feel terribly ashamed but also frightened because I would have absolutely no recollection at all of having had a night terror. I rarely have them now.

To my survivor friends please believe me when I say that this will pass. Not only will this new story wane but we will be less affected by it as each day goes by. We will process it. We will once again go back to where we were. This emotional turmoil will not stay with us. It will settle down again.
To all of you non-survivors I have absolutely no idea if any of this makes any sense at all to you. I hope that it does and I hope that it helps you better understand those people in your life who are survivors. Hopefully you will understand that when you are the brunt of the survivors pain that it is not you that is the real aim. Even if you do not experience such reactions. You may find that your survivor friends withdraw from you. Or they seem to be moody for no apparent reason. They become ultrasensitive. They can react emotionally over the slightest thing. They can be offended easily. They can cry easily. Suddenly daily tasks will become as if they were mountains to be climbed. Whatever you experience from your survivor friends just bearing mind that it is not about you it is about the people who abused them and in situations like this the emotions all come flooding back and abuse that may have taken place 50 years ago is as fresh as if it were yesterday because to us that is when it was: yesterday, today, now,. You see we suddenly find we are living it again. And again.

Just know that this too will pass but also no that it will never be the end but that there is still hope because a good life can be lived despite the horror of our pasts. The memories, the flashbacks, the emotional outbursts, the terror, all of it becomes much less powerful and much less frequent.

I am living proof to you that you can survive to live a good life even though one has to carry the past with you. Some people who consider themselves super spiritual believe that you can put the pass down and leave it. This is a lie. What actually happens with recovery and the right help and support is that we are able to carry the load in such a way that it does not wear us down. Our past will always be with us. It is what made us who we are today. There will always be triggers. The only way to stop the past from intruding upon today is by making sure that we do not have any today's. And that my friend is not an option. That would mean that the abuser or abusers have one. trust me when I tell you that one can live a truly wonderful authentic life even with this terrible evil that was inflicted upon us.

If only I could show you film of what I used to be like. I used to starve myself. I used to cut myself. I regularly overdosed. I was too afraid to go out. My body dysmorphic was so extreme that I could not have any mirrors in my house and if I caught sight of myself in the mirror all reflection in a window all I saw was something like the hunchback of Notre Dame, something dark and evil. Today I am able to have mirrors in my house. Today I able to stand in front of my mirror and feel pleased with what I see there are days I choose not to look in the mirror. I had extremely violent mood swings where I would have long periods of mania followed by long periods of depression. This made relationships extremely difficult to maintain. I was always in and out of hospital. I have been in locked wards. I have been taken to hospital in handcuffs. And I have been held down and injected with large doses of largactil, the liquid cosh. back then I could not imagine the life I have today I fully expected that my life would be lived in mental hospitals until the day I was successful in killing myself.

Today I live a normal life. I have a wonderful husband and I have my dogs. Yes I live with brain damage and with body damage, Such that I need large doses of painkiller and epilepsy medication but I need take nothing at all to control my moods because today I am in charge. Today I know what I want you to know: it was never me it was always them. In other words I was treated the way that I was treated because of the way my abusers were. I was not abused because of who I was. I was abused because of who they were. Once you truly understand and believe that fact you will be free to be who you are and to have a good life. My prayer for you, my wish for you, my good thoughts to you, are that you come to the same understanding that I did. I no longer live in a world that was black-and-white with shades of grey. I now live in full glorious technicolour. you can too. There is nothing special about me. If I can get to this point then so can you.          

SHOE COLLECTION

WHITNEY'S PUPS 3 WEEKS OLD 13112012

RETAIL THERAPY

 We went out to Queensgate in Peterborough today.  there was no reason to go other than to have a break from all the turmoil of the house and the fact that I have been stuck very close to home since the babies were born three weeks ago. It turned out to be a far better day than either of us expected. We met a lot of truly nice people. Yes they were working in shops but you can tell when people are being genuinely nice and friendly or not. I find that I hand up having quite in-depth conversations with such people about all manner of things. It really gives me pleasure to meet new people of all different ages and races and to feel that we have bonded for a short time. It is amazing how much income and you find out that you have with total strangers.

  This is me eating at  Patisserie Valerie.  I had a super salad and a really good coffee. John took the photograph of me while I knitted between courses. As others have already said knitting prevents me murdering people.

  I bought this shop in a boutique in side Queensgate. I cannot remember its name. However I am rather flattered that the owner of the shop always asks my opinion about the layout of the shop and whether or not he has got the right mix of clothing. I think that he has and my gut feeling is that he will be successful. One half of his shop has closed that are aimed more at teenagers and those in their 20s. The other half of the shop he said is aimed more at the truly fashion conscious mature man in his 30s and 40s. Since I am in my mid-50s I found that quite flattering! But I guess it is clear from the way that I address that I really enjoy  clothing so it isn't too much of a stretch that he would ask my opinion since every time I have been in their I have been dressed in a completely different outfit. However I never think of myself  As fashionable. I just wear what I enjoy wearing but of course I enjoy the compliments that the way that I am dressed elicits. I do think that people find it much easier to approach me because I'm in my wheelchair although John thinks that it is just the fact that I have obviously open and caring personality and so people find it easy to approach me. I think he is just being kind because he loves me. I really do feel that people feel more able to talk to me because I am in a wheelchair and therefore less threatening to them. Please do not  misunderstand. I am not saying that they are patronising me. Some people do patronise me and I find that very irksome and I am not particularly friendly in response. Particularly the stupid women who say 'ah. bless.'!!!!  what on earth are they thinking? Even if they think that surely they have the manners or the insight to know that you don't say something like that to the face of a cripple! I have to say that most of the time it just makes me laugh because I think if only they knew how stupid they sound.  I mean really.

  Once again I was lucky. This hat was in the ladies section of the   millinery department in John Lewis. It was a perfect fit. And I have a leopard skin care of Doc Martens boots and a leopardskin pair of Doc Martin shoes so the hat is a perfect match.

 these shoes are not my normal fare. But I really think they are very handsome shoes. I will find just the right outfit to wear them with. Before you ask, yes there are two more shoes that match. I had to buy two pairs. I know of no  Cobbler that will make to different shoes as a pair.   alas, I am not sufficiently rich to be able to have whatever I desire made for me. Life is so unfair. I see so many rich people with the most appalling taste and yet here I am with nowhere near enough money to show these rich people held dressing up should be done! :-) 

WHAT MY DISABILITY MEANS

These are Whitney's puppies at 10 days old. They are doing very well. I have to say that the underfloor heating in the sunroom is clearly doing these puppies very well. Most of the time they are sleeping apart from each other and certainly apart from their mother who they only go to when they want milk. They are also very quiet. Of course the sun room is a definite no-no if I had a spring or summer litter as they would definitely be far too hot. Even now that it is winter any son will raise the temperature to about 26-27°c.

I have had a rather strange week. I have spent most of it asleep. I have been getting up at 5:30 AM every morning to go for a swim and I am very pleased about that. You would not believe the difference it makes  to me. I feel that if I have done my swim whatever else happens for the rest of the day is perfectly all right. However, I did not expect that I would go to sleep! I sit down in my armchair to listen to some  music  and before I know it I have gone to sleep. Last night I also fell asleep in my armchair and I was so deeply asleep that John had to call me three times before I was aware that the phone was ringing! I went to bed and I still slept well.

 The house renovations are almost at an end but it will be December before we can even begin to sort out our close and shoes and put them away. At the moment the office where my computer is is full of clothes and shoes and so is the sunroom. The house feels very crowded indeed.

The two bedrooms upstairs are now completely decorated. We now need them to  be carpeted. The large bedroom where my knitting machines are will have shelving all the way around in order to accommodate all of my Doc Martens. The smaller bedroom will be my dressing room it will have inbuilt wardrobes and a chair and also a grab rail on the wall because John is not always here when I need to dress. 

I am now on to new drugs. This takes my daily intake to morphine, tramadol, gabapentin,paracetamol, rosuvastatin, amitriptyline, aspirin, baclofen,  Valium occasionally and to daily tablets which I cannot remember the name of one of which is to rid myself of excess water and the other is to control my bowel.  all in all about 42 pills a day.  The Valium is very occasional. It enables me to sit still long enough to watch a film as long as I get the dosage right. Too little and I am unable to keep still and too much sends me to sleep! However having said that the baclofen works really well with regard to my muscles and the spasms and so I have had no need to take Valium for quite some time and maybe I won't have to again.

I am going to write a blog post which details all the symptoms as far as I can recall that my disease causes. The reason for doing this is because it has become very apparent to me recently that I am not really aware of what is normal and what is my disability because I have become so used to it. The reason this has become important is because my doctor for want of a better word is annoyed or disappointed that I am not telling her the whole truth. I have not explained that well my doctor is absolutely lovely. But even my John has noticed that I do not tell the truth when I am asked detailed questions about how my disease affects my daily life. It isn't partly because of my training about  one must keep a stiff upper lip and not complain  and partly because I have got so used to the way my body is that I just do not see it as abnormal. I do not view myself as a disabled person and John says I am far more disabled then I think  I am. And for John to say something like that I know that he is speaking the truth

I was brought up not to complain. And certainly not to complain about the abuse. If I tried to I was abused even further or I was called a sissy who was making a fuss about nothing. This is why my disease went and diagnosed for so many years because I did not go to the doctor to complain about the things that my body was doing. At that time my body was doing things intermittently which did not help.

There are other symptoms of course which I have not spoken about because much to my surprise I realise that I am embarrassed by them. I really did not think I was that sort of person and am normally willing to talk about anything. However the problems I have with my bowel and my bladder I have been keeping to myself. Oh yes I have said that I have IBS and I make jokes about it.  What I do not say is that although normally I would get quite severe pain which would warn me that I need to go and go quickly there  are other times when I have  no warning whatsoever which inevitably leads to accidents. Apart from once or twice this has always been at home because when I go out especially to dog shows I take a lot of morphine and this ensures that I will not need to go. If I did I would have problems because I would need help to get dressed again.

Now as regards my bladder. The new drug baclofen has really helped in that regard that as a side-effect. It would seem that I had an irritable bladder as well and the baclofen has reduced the amount of times I need to go and when I do I do a lot instead of just small amounts very frequently. However the one thing it has not cured is my inability to know whether I have finished or not. So I need to change my underwear frequently during the day. For dog shows I wear a woman's pad.

I am constantly falling over because my balance is terrible. I cannot walk in a straight line and I  Always veer to the left. I have done this for many years but now it is very much worse. I must fall by at least half a dozen times a day. When I say fall I do not mean that I fall enough to hit the ground. I do sometimes but most of the time I was somebody else manages to stop me from falling. In my own house it is very easy because there's always something I can grab hold of. Outside it is not so easy. For some reason most of the time that I fall will be when I am standing still and I always fall backwards. It is this falling backwards that is a common symptom of my spinal  disease.

Then of course my speech is affected also. There are times when I can barely get my words out and other times I sound as if I'm drunk. My memory is absolutely appalling. I will lose in mid sentence what I am talking about and sometimes I can be listening to somebody talking to me and I become completely unaware of what they are saying it is as though my brain just switches off.

My hands will not write any more and I have many problems trying to do up buttons on shirts and trousers. My shoes already have theirs laces tied up and I do not undo them when I remove my shoes and I use a shoehorn to get my shoes back on. With my boots John ties them up for me.

Getting out of bed in the morning has become easier because of the electric bed. I pressed the button until my back is vertical  and I am then able to get my feet on the ground. If I still cannot stand I can press another button which will push my bottom-up until I am in a standing position. You can imagine what a nightmare it was to get out of bed before we had this bed. I used to have to roll out of bed until I fell onto the floor and then I would get up onto my knees and I would use the radiator and the bed to haul myself up. With John's help I will remove my pyjamas and I will have a shower. Then we must sort out what I shall wear that day. I forgot to add that before I can even think of getting undressed I must take my drugs  and wait for them to take effect. It would usually be about 90 minutes between getting out of bed and getting out of the shower. I will then need to rest before I get dressed. All in all it takes about 2 1/2 hours before I am ready to go out and this is with John helping me.

Our toilet and bathroom are upstairs. There is no way that I can go upstairs every time I need to urinate. Fortunately there is a drain outside the front door, I mean the back door. 

 This article has been typed using a voice to type recognition software, DragonDictate for Mac, because without this I cannot type any more. oh, I can type but the amount of errors I make that makes it not worthwhile.

Fortunately for me I can drive and I drive very well. I do not lose concentration and because I have an automatic and a very comfortable and upright chair I find that driving is one of the most comfortable things that I can do. Having said that I still need to stop at intervals to get out of the car because my body seizes up from being in the one position for too long.

Part of the reason for the new hi-fi system, well in fact all of the reason, is because of my disability. All of my music is on my Mac and I can control that from my lap. No we did not have to buy high-end British handmade hi-fi equipment but it was John's retirement present to us both as we both really appreciate good music.

 it is also more expensive for disabled people to live day to day lives. Now that the weather has become cooler the house has to be heated 24-hour was a day because cold is a real killer for me. And I do not exaggerate. Getting cold is not only painful but dangerous. I seem unable to regulate my own body temperature very well. Their heating in the house must be on 24-hour was a day. Although this year we are definitely feeling the benefits of the new insulation because we have so far only had to have the heating on in the house  for short periods.  the heating in the sunroom is of course on 24/7 because of the puppies.

I am unable to use knives and so therefore I'd buy my vegetables already prepared and ready to cook. I cannot lift a pot safely. Most of my food is microwaved. When John is here then my food choices are different because he is able to do what I am not

One of the things that I suppose annoys me is the comments people have made to me about showing my dogs. Well if you have read this far you will understand why I have to get up a full two hours before I can leave for a dog show and this is without having a shower. For me to do a dog show requires 120mg  of morphine.  400 mg of tramadol.  3 g  of paracetamol and 1600 g of gabapentin.  This is how I manage to do a dog show.  Drugs themselves are not enough. Grit and determination and stubbornness  and a strong desire to do what I want to do is what gets me through. You would not believe the agony  I am in after a dog so or even during a dog show. However, it is my choice to do this and I will continue to do this for as long as I am able.

There are some sick people at dog shows who have gone as far as to say that they believe that my condition is all an act so that the judges will feel sorry for me and that is why my dogs win! And there are other people who are just plain ignorant and it does not occur to them how difficult it is for me. No, the last thing I want is pity but it would be helpful if people understood that there is a limit to how fast I can move when in the ring and that it takes me longer to get my dog on the table. I do all of this with a smile on my face because I really do enjoy the dog shows and I am very proud of myself that I and doing them. I had no idea that I had the sort of gumption that I am most certainly have

The reason for this article is that recently I have felt that I have had to justify myself.  Not only that but for medical reasons I have had to give a lot of thought to the way my daily life is. As my darling John has pointed out I have become so used to my disabilities that I have become unaware of maps of what I do or don't do and I no longer see what is normal and what is not. For instance it takes him about five minutes to get out of bed and get dressed if he is not showering. It takes me about 90. My doctor needs to know about every single symptom but I get because they are important because it shows the deterioration of my disease. Like for example when my neck fell forward so that my chin was touching my chest and I could not move it because of pain. Although this was very frightening it was not the permanent thing that I thought it would be. All that it required was the baclofen which keeps my muscles relaxed.

So there we have it. I am sure that I have still left things out but this is the best I can do for now. I will say to the survivors who are reading this this is just another example of how invasive into every single part of our lives the after-effects of the abuse is. I would have had treatment for my disease many years previous had I not felt that I was just making a fuss about nothing because that is what I was always taught. Even when I broke my foot I was told that I was making a lot of fuss about nothing and in fact my foot went untreated because of this I think it was something like 18 months before my foot was put in plaster to straighten out the bone and the way it had healed or something like that I was very young and I cannot really remember the details I only remember that I was constantly told that might complaining about my foot hurting was just me being a sissy. So you see we do need to speak up.

Three Days

'I have known you only three days..."

PUSH, DAMN YOU, PUSH!!!

Whitney had her puppies yesterday morning after a very long first stage of labour. She actually started scratching up on Friday so I had to stay close to her from then on, sleeping on the armchair. Her temperature did not drop until Sunday afternoon and I knew then that the puppies would be born that evening. However that did not happen and she did not have her first visible contraction until 5:10 AM Monday morning. I have never had a bitch take that long in the first stage of labour. During this stage contractions are happening but they are not visible.  

The first puppy born was a full breach birth and he was very difficult to get out of her. This puppy is not going to make it. I thought that maybe he would but I now know that he isn't. Because of the trauma of his birth he was born without his placenta and umbilical cord.  Unfortunately, his bowel fell out of the hole  that this left.  although I put it all back in easily enough I really did not expect that this puppy would survive. Amazingly, the hole has healed over.  I mean skin has grown over the hole not that there is a scab.  Despite this,  he does not look or feel right and I am as certain  as I can be that he will die. 

 We have the decorators in and they are working on the two bedrooms upstairs. They have stripped all the wallpaper will be laying lining paper and then painting.

New shelving and wardrobes will be put into these two bedrooms. The two built in wardrobes in the main bedroom will be used for clothing and John will put shelving up all around the walls for my Dr Martens. I have two knitting machine setup, complete with motors because I cannot knit without them now,  and they will stay there.

 And the smaller bedroom will have wardrobes put in and this room will be used as my dressing room which will make life much easier as there will be room for a chair which I need to sit on in order to get dressed and there will be more space generally.

Having a dressing room will make such a difference to me. Dressing is one of the major challenges of my day. So much so that as much as I do not like to admit it I now do not get dressed unless I know I am going out. Not only is it dangerous for me in that I am much more likely to fall it takes a long time and is tiring! So I hang about in my "leisure outfits". These are pull on or pull over, hence they are much easier to put on. I would prefer not to be in my pyjamas all day but I would rather use the energy required to get dressed on something else.

I have learned a lot more about myself recently and about how the effects of abuse upon the psych are subtle or perhaps one could say they hide in plain sight. It has come to my attention recently how my illness and my treatment is greatly affected by the negative things that the abuse taught me.  I have only recently become aware of this. I intend to write a separate post about this. I will be listing all of the effects of my disease as best I can and also relating how the negative programming of the abuse has affected my reporting of my disease to the doctor and therefore my treatment.

ALL'S WELL

Just to say that al is well here, just very busy. Whitney's had her puppies. The decorators are in. I will be writing more as soon as I can. 

SEX REVIVAL?

The new bed is amazing. I sleep very well on it. The remote control is very responsive and the bed goes up and down very easily. It has got me thinking that I might have a sex life again since the bed moves up and down on its own… 

 My legs are very painful from yesterday at the pool but don't care because I feel pleased with myself because I did it. The pain is weird it is not the usual muscle aching that one gets if you've been weightlifting or running (not that I have done either of those things for many years). No it comes from my pelvic region down both thighs and is more like a burning electric type pain. Very hard to describe. I imagine it is neurological or nerve pain.

 I may go for a swim later or I may bathe dogs. Or I may do far call. (My voice to type still refuses to swear. I do think it is quite clever in what it actually writes. If you say the words out loud it is obvious what I actually said.)

 I've actually been up for hours but I got waylaid by music on the Internet. I was sent a link to a radio concert that Iris deMent did and that sent me off listening to Neil Young and he sent me off to listen to John Prine. I bought to John Prine CDs. You can get CDs incredibly cheaply. I often buy them second hand for £1.50! After all I only record them onto my MacBook Pro and file the CD away. My MacBook Pro is plugged into my hi-fi system and is only used for music. All of the tracks are recorded in AIFF as this is what the CD files are and therefore this is the best quality. Yes it does take up more space. The only other file I will use is Apple lossless but at the moment most is in AIFF. 

 One of my boasts because I'm very pleased with myself that I was able to do it, is that I changed the hard disk inside my MacBook Pro to a solid-state 1 from Crucial. I am sure my heart stopped when I pressed the button to start the MacBook Pro after I had changed the hard disc. The relief I felt when it started up properly!

Whitney is now about 10 days away from giving birth. She has already claimed her whelping quarters which she has had available  for a couple of weeks. She got in it immediately it was put up. Even when she had her first litter she knew what the whelping box and pen were for. The whelping box is in the sunroom because of the underfloor heating which is going to be much better for both the puppies and her. If the sun is shining then the sun room gets warm but not too warm.

I had wondered with the sunroom how it was going to be in the winter. I assumed that if the sum was shining and then the room would still get warm. The temperatures have been in the high 50s and the sun room reaches about 25°C during the day. It remains to be seen what it is like when the outside temperature is near zero even with the sun shining.

And we are already feeling the effects of the new insulation.  Normally by now we would have the house central heating on at night because the outside temperature is falling well below 10°C. We have had no reason to turn it on and I am sleeping without my duvet covering me. I find that I am perfectly warm enough in my so-called lounge outfits. (This consists of silk longjohns and silk longsleeved vest, lounge trousers, longsleeved T-shirt, and then a T-shirt. In winter, the longjohns and the longsleeved vest become silk and cotton or wool and cotton.)   I imagine that our fuel bill is going to be lower now that we have the insulation. I really am surprised at the difference it has already made.

BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN

 The appointment with my doctor went really well. I had properly prepared for it so I remembered to tell her not just what I knew I was going to tell her about, but what John wanted me to tell her as well.

I did tell John that I thought that my doctor probably realised that I minimised everything to do with my disease and my mood. I do not do this deliberately. It is what I learned to do and in fact what I was taught to do. In common with very many other survivors of childhood abuse I learned a very clever trick; I learned to disassociate. The best way I can think of to describe this is that one is able to go elsewhere in one's mind when bad things are happening. This ability of course has been very good in enabling me to cope with my disease. I am able to put my awareness elsewhere.  Unfortunately, this also means that I do not really recognise the truth and so I do not of course tell it when I am asked. However, my doctor did tell me that she knew just from the way that I moved or the way that I looked that my answers to the questions were not truthful! It was made clear to me today that I do need to tell her everything that I experience. I am not sure how well I am going to be able to do this because the ability to disassociate is not exactly deliberate and so I am not aware that I am not aware! Minimising is so ingrained, and the teaching to not 'be a sissy' and to 'not make a fuss' is ingrained also and all of this combined with the trauma of abuse and seeing my best friend killed when I was 7, just makes it difficult for me to always be present. the ability to not be present does have it's up side-it helps me live a good life despite my fcked up body. If I turned my awareness on 24/7 I'd not be happy.  I have just realised that my awareness suddenly being turned on is possibly what causes those episodes I get occasionally aware I become extremely uncomfortable and I have to remove all of my clothing because having the clothing touching me is too much to bear. I certainly could not live with that 24/7!

It has only been a combination of recent happenings that made me realise that I had to speak with my doctor frankly about my day-to-day living. The first thing was that the weekend before the one just past, Paul, the man who works in the clothes shop where we sometimes by clothes,  mentioned that he could tell that it was painful for me to try on clothes.  I was really surprised that he should say that and I asked him what made him think it and he said that it was obvious from my face and the way that I moved. When I questioned John about it later he too said that he was able to tell how I was by the look on my face and by how I moved and held my body. I asked the people at the pool today and their answer was exactly the same.

Due to the above I realised that I needed to tell my doctor what was going on with my body. Oh, the other thing that happened that really brought it home to me was earlier today I realised I had left the bathroom light on and I made myself go back upstairs to switch it off. For some reason, when I got to the top of the stairs I became conscious of the fact that I've felt exhausted and that I hurt all over and that I needed to sit down. I did no such thing of course and I just went back downstairs and carried on with what I  was doing which was getting ready to go to the pool. I think that moment of conscious awareness  enabled me to realise what it is that I need to speak to the doctor about.

 As I realised because of the wonderful effect it has had on me, the baclofen was not prescribed to me as a temporary fix but as a hopefully permanent one. It has worked far better than the doctor was hoping and of course I had no idea what it would do because the only muscle relaxant I knew  of was Valium and that only really worked when taken in a dose large enough to make me fall asleep! In other words it isn't that much good. I did not hold out much hope that the baclofen was going to enable my neck to move again. Not only did it make my neck move again but it has made my whole body feels so much better. I have only been aware of muscle pain when I have had extreme spasms either in my legs  all my rib cage. I did not realise just how taut my whole body was the whole time.  As you can imagine it has made a remarkable difference to the way that I feel in a positive way. I will be continuing to take the 40 mg a day but will have a diuretic added as it does indeed seem that I have retaining water.  I would much rather deal with the side-effect of this drug by taking the diuretic than by stopping the drug.

To all those who wrote to me I want to tell you how much I appreciate your support and let you know that I did feel supported.  All of you pointed out how stressful the house renovations and the wedding in the last six months have been. Not something I really took into account, especially the wedding. My doctor is in full agreement with all of you! 

I feel much more positive now about tomorrow and onwards and I feel that I am more likely to be able to return to my normal routine as it was prior to the house renovation starting. Yes, I do know that it will take time and that I must not expect I shall be back to normal by tomorrow. It does seem  though that it is possible now and that is what is most important: that I feel that it is possible.

HARD TO BE HONEST

TUBE SOCKS BEFORE AND AFTER WEAR

THE SOCKS ABOVE ARE TUBE SOCKS, NO SHAPING FOR HEEL, JUST FINISHED.

THE PAIR BELOW ARE THE SAME PAIR AFTER NORMAL 24 HOUR WEAR, IN SHOES AND IN HOUSE SANDALS.

THEY ARE KNITTED ON 2MM NEEDLES OVER 80STS FOR MY UK8 FOOT. I BELIEVE THAT IS A US 10 MENS. WHATEVER, MY FOOT IS 9.5" AROUND THE BASE OF TOES.

DOING DRUGS

Chase

ESCAPING THE NUT HOUSE

OUT TO GLORY

MAKING PATTERNED/STRIPED SOCK YARN

MG Fussing

DISCOGS - VINYL NASTIES

On September 8th and 9th  I ordered some records off of buyers who were listed on this site called DISCOGS.  I ordered around about 25 albums from various sellers. All but one of these vinyl records was advertised as in mint condition. I bought only one that was advertised as near mint and I did so because I really wanted that particular album. this album was near perfect and no trouble playing. 

Out of the first seven albums to arrive, I found three or maybe four  to certainly not be in mint condition.  As the bad records were mounting up I became very displeased. In the forums of this selling place I wrote a post that was headed MINT? Are you kidding!

 I stated exactly what had happened. I named nobody.  I was soon responded to by a really vile gentleman named Andy Wax  or something like who immediately attacked me personally and called me a liar. He stated that there was absolutely no way I would be unlucky enough to get so many untruthful sellers. I was roundly attacked for having left negative feedback. Quite what else one is supposed to do I do not know. There is no way that these sales can be rectified. Even if I had my money refunded it would not alter the fact that the sale was a bad one and negative feedback is fully justified. They seem to think that sellers should be able to pay their way out of a situation of bad faith.


Unfortunately the public bashing by Andy Wax  did not stop there. I then started to get private messages haranguing me and using pretty much the same language. I began to suspect that the public postings and these private emails were all from the same person. 

Ridiculously I was accused of naming and shaming in public when the proof that I did not was there for all to see! 

As the insults and attacks on my character just became worse I withdrew from that site and blocked all emails from it. 

As I had three records still left to receive I did not feel that I could just ignore it and felt it would be unfair to not leave feedback to those who had fulfilled their part  and sent me mint records.  

Today, I received another one of my orders and now I am truly pissed off.  I am pretty pissed off with myself  for allowing this  obnoxious bully to make me feel bad,  even to the extent that I left one person positive feedback when the record did not deserve it. You can see photographs of just three of the records that I have received.  I include only one album sleeve which has food stains on it because I was told that that was a downright lie and that this seller was known to the one that was slagging me off. I can only assume that that is not true but even if it is the photograph clearly shows dried food on the cover. I'd do not care about the covers despite them being described as mint or near mint and not being.  I just show it as an example of the sort of lying I have been subjected to.

 Needless to say I will never do this again. Not from DISCOGS or from any other site.  This has been a very expensive lesson. The fail rate is far too high. Not only have I been ripped off financially but I had my character trawled through the mud on top of it  by some nasty piece of work who I suspect has rather more to do with the shit records  that I received. Otherwise I just cannot understand his  vicious attacks on me.  Of course he could just be  the type of person who does not need an excuse to treat somebody in such an appalling manner. Whatever the situation I cannot prove it either way. I am not interested in doing so either. I certainly cannot have my say on the site so I am having it here on my blog and I am publishing photographs of  three  of the records.  It  is beyond my understanding that anyone could describe these records as mint.

Hope Less

HOPE -LESS, FOR MORE LIFE

One of the explanations I have read for people venting their anger and hatred to award another group of people-such as those of a different colour or a different sexuality-no matter how illogical it is-is that their anger and hurt stems from their family of origin and they cannot bring themselves to admit that.  They cannot let go of the fantasy of having had good and loving parents. Their rage has to go somewhere and so it goes outwards towards groups such as this. I know from my own experience that even when people have heard certain details of my upbringing their response has been “but you must still love them"! There is no must about it! I do know people who say that they love their abusive parents about all that I see is that they are still desperately trying to prove to their abusive parents that they are good children and worthy of their love. They would rather do this than let go of the hope that one day they will be good enough for their parents. Letting go of that hope is indeed a very painful thing to do but it is a vital thing to do if one is to have any chance at a good life.

HOPE IN THE AIR

Usually upon rising each morning and letting the dogs out the conservatory is always warm. This morning was the first time that in fact it was chilly. I opened the roof blinds ,just three in an alternate pattern. This has brought the temperature up. 

 Although I feel better than I did yesterday I'm still not up to doing much although I have to go and get my trolley motorised today. This is my 4 berth show trolley for the dogs. I have already tried out the motorised version and I am very pleased with it and it is certainly going to make a huge deal of difference to me. 

 Our house is still pretty much a mess though it is a much more organised mess. We are waiting upon the 2 final rooms being decorated and carpeted and this will not happen until October. Once that is done we can then buy the wardrobes and shelving that we need.

 I also have at least half a dozen machines to find homes for. That is probably a vast understatement of how many I will need to part with. The knitting machines are used the most I am obviously keeping and I will keep those that are the same versions so that I have spares if anything goes wrong. Even as I write this I am still thinking more in terms of what I can keep rather than what I can get rid of! Oh dear me! This is such a silly one as there is absolutely no way that I can justify keeping so many machines now that I am physically incapable of using them to any great extent. Yes keeping the 2 motorised ones and those that are the same or near models makes sense because I can still knit for myself and for John. I can also knit cashmere sweaters and sell them via my sock shop. I have already tried this and it worked. If I have a goal of one sweater a month I don't think I am being unreasonable. 

 As I laid back in my electric armchair last evening listening to music, I felt so happy and so grateful to have my dream audio setup. This has always been a dream of mine. Although if you had asked me I probably would not have mentioned this particular dream because I would have thought of it as a very selfish one. Old training dies hard! This audio system though is for both John and I. I use it the most at the moment because John is more taken up by his writing. 

Whitney is definitely pregnant and she is due on the 23rd of October. I have never yet had one of my girls go right to the full date so as the 23rd is a Tuesday I will expect these puppies on the Saturday or Sunday before. Now watch Whitney make a fool out of me by giving birth on the 23rd! 

 By the time this litter is born it will have been almost 2 years since I last had one. I have never lost the thrill that having a litter of puppies brings. It is not just whether or not this will bring a really good show dog into the world but I wonder at all the little personalities that they develop because they are always different no matter what. I find it fascinating and I am looking forward to meeting these new little personalities.

Kirk Cameron Blames Liberal Press For Twisting His Antigay Comments | Advocate.com

Kirk Cameron Blames Liberal Press For Twisting His Antigay Comments | Advocate.com

the worst kind of religious nit wit. Dangerous.

TUBE SOCK ON FOOT

As requested by several people, here is the tube sock on the foot. yes, that is a st st roll at the very top. A feature I was asked for by the person these are for.

TUBE SOCKS

This is the first pair of Tube socks I have knitted. Knitted this way as this is what the recipient wanted. Surprisingly, and rather annoyingly, they fit really well despite no heel shaping. the yarn is one of the SuperSocke 100 ones. Knitted using Chiao Goo 2mm circulars. Knitted simultaneously so that each sock is finished almost at the same time. 

NOT MY FRIEND

I am rather astonished at how angry the Americans who are on the far right manage to make me feel. I have tried hard not to be and I have tried hard to understand them. I find I just cannot. Their hatred of their country and of their president just astounds me. They cannot see how crazy they are. And I really do mean crazy. Paranoid. They sound just like these people who insist that we are all being abducted by aliens every night or that every kindergarten is a nest of Satanic abuse. Yes, they really do sound just like that. It is very frightening to realise just how many seemingly normal people are truly dangerous. The world has much to fear from America taken over by the far right. What is more there are people I know who are decent and kind and like me are fiscally conservative. However, that is no excuse to vote in people filled with hatred of their fellow human beings and whose motto seems to be I'm all right Jack,  Fok you.  (my voice recognition software refuses to swear!)

The hatred shown for their current President is truly shameful. They are stupid enough to believe that it has nothing to do with his colour. Pull the other one.

In this country, we have right and we have left and we have  centre and various shades in between.  anybody who is extreme is  generally ignored or brought into the Public conversation for amusement.  I find it horrifying that in America these people are taken seriously and are revered!

The ignorance shown by so many when they fling around the word socialism or Marxism Leninism when they haven't a clue what they're talking about. Certainly the current president is none of those things.  What he is is black. What he also is is a man who is trying to make the United States of America a fairer place and the crazies on the right have done everything in their power to prevent him in the last 4 years. They seem to forget, highly conveniently, that the financial mess was left by a certain Mr Bush and that the people on the right in government have done all that they can to prevent the President putting it right.

An American theocracy is a danger to the whole world let alone the people of America. Even as I write this I am still just completely flummoxed and astounded and ashamed by what I read from people that appear really quite normal and yet filled with so much paranoia and hate.

To be a fiscal conservative does not mean one has to to hate difference. It does not mean one has to control women. It does not mean that government should interfere in the lives of private people or even in the private lives of people!  Know these people on the right to keep banging on about small government are plain liars. What they don't want is government interfering in their lives but they want to interfere in the lives of those they do not like. Anybody they see as different they want to interfere in their life. The small government idea is a lie.

The extremes of right and left are a danger to us all. Think about that before you decide to vote for these crazies.

Now there are people who say they are my friend and yet are going to vote for a man who hates gays and who is going to make sure that our rights are never given  back to us and will do all that he can to remove any rights that we already have. You are not my friend.

PUBLIC SPECTACLE

I came within seconds of really losing my temper in a public place the other day. I was grooming one of my dogs and out of the corner of my eye I saw a woman embrace John  and then along with her husband started chitchat.

If you have read my blog you may remember that I wrote about this couple that I had been friends with for over 30 years. However 2 years ago they asked me to do something, which they would  never have done if asked of them, and my answer to it was no. I have not heard from them since.

I did meet them many months later at a dog show and when I asked why I had not heard from them the response I got from her was a complete lie. “Well you didn't send us a pedigree when we asked." Now who ends a 30 year friendship over a damn pedigree?  Apart from which, this was a complete lie. The last conversation that we had had was that they were bringing their bitch down to be mated to my boy but during the conversation they asked instead if they could take my boy home with them. Clearly these people had no faith in me whatsoever and thought I did not have the wherewithal to  make sure that their bitch was mated by my stud! I said no.  Anyway that was the last I heard from them.

Now the point is John had been saying for years that these people were not the friends that I thought they were. He grew to dislike both of them. However, they were my friends and so he very lovingly was always polite and friendly to them and never said what he thought. He did this for me.

Surprisingly, I am not hurt by their behaviour I am just angered by it. The fact that they ended our friendship because I dared to say no to them actually did me a huge favour because I could then stop worrying about whether my gut feeling about their using of me was correct or not.

What angers me the most is that this woman knows more personal stuff about me than even John does. She knows more about what happened to me as a child than anybody else does apart from my therapist. She also knows the difficulties I have with people, especially when it comes to trust.  She betrayed my trust in her completely.  Her use of what she knew about me  to manipulate me is simply wicked.

A lot of my anger surrounding this is the fact that I let it go on for so many years. However I must remember to give myself a break and realise that I am not today the person that I was then. These people took full advantage of  me  not just by emotionally manipulating me but financially also.

I am still shocked and bewildered at the turn of events. I have to say though that I have given this very little thought and I only write about this now because of the recent event that brought it to a head. I am very glad that I managed to calm myself down by leaving the vicinity and going for a short walk! It would not have looked good at all had I given them what for and told them exactly what I thought. I would have been the one to come across as a monster. 

What really got to me was how they greeted John in such a manner and how she threw her arms around him so close to me yet completely ignoring me.  That is truly spiteful behaviour. I did so much for those people  and because I had the temerity to say no they shit all over me.  It is their loss for sure.  It is just rather hard to take when one realises that a 30 year friendship which meant a great deal to me was not what I thought it was at all. They became the good parents that I never had  and yet they turned out to be no better than those I already had.  In fact, possibly worse because I don't know what sort of person would take advantage of such a vulnerable person and use what they know about them to their advantage.

 Depending on how long you have been reading my blog you will know that I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was so diagnosed in my teens. I have done much work to control this. I mention this because one of the things that the woman often reminded me of was what a good friend she was to have put up with me when my illness was at its peak, both in terms of depression and also mania.  I refused to acknowledge the emotional blackmail she was using by telling me how good she was to me when others wouldn't be.  The more I think about how I allowed her especially to manipulate me the more angry I become  so I guess the root of my anger is really toward myself. Yet I must remind myself once again that the Colin back then who was un- recovered and not in control is not somebody I ought to be angry at at all but someone I should feel nothing but compassion for. It is not always easy.

I have been unmedicated for my bipolar disorder for 12 years now. I have had neither the depths of depression  nor the height of mania since then. I did learn that I became very depressed in winter so now I use a light box which really does work. In times of stress, I do become hyper but it has never developed into full-blown mania. I have pretty much  learned the warning signs and I take avoiding action.

TANTRA-THE REAL STORY

I was in Australia when I 1st came across the Lhasa Apso.  I had seen a photograph of a grey shaggy looking dog on the cover of Australian Dog. This was later to become Champion Cheska Mr Ed, if I recall correctly. I got a boy and a girl from the Singtuk kennel. Unfortunately I was still a child and I did not have parents who considered children important and certainly not their dogs. My dogs were given away when we were brought back to England very much against my will. This was in 1975. 

 I used to travel to Lhasa Apso club shows. In the late 70s I acquired one female from Hardace and later in 1981 another female from the same kennel. Neither of these were of any quality but it really did not matter as circumstances dictated that I could not breed or show. 

 Very much later after several years of successful person Showing where I bred champions and group winning champions and Best in show winning champions, I was finally able to move out to the country. I found it impossible to buy in a decent female. 

 Unbeknownst to me, that there had been a concerted campaign of lies and cruelty towards me which resulted in me being refused membership of one of the breed clubs. When this happened I decided it was time to confront the source of all this gossip. 

 I went out on my own and I imported two females one from Denmark and one from France. I bred quietly on my own until I felt I had something good enough to show. My 1st championship show was at Windsor in 2006. I have campaigned seriously since then and have attended almost every championship show available.I have qualified every single dog I have shown, which now amounts to about 11. 

 I will always be grateful to Linda Robinson of Polielin for allowing me to buy my pick of litter out of her litter of 7 puppies. This black female was to become the famous Whitney. To give her her proper name, BISS Ch Polielins Whitney with Tantra. Whitney is not only the most delightful dog to live with and the only one I can never say that I have truly fallen in love with and she with me, She is also an excellent example of a Lhasa Apso. I retired her at the end of 2010, and in January 2011 she had her 1st litter.

 From this letter I have kept Pussy and Deita. Deita went to live with Kutani. Her full name now is Champion Tantra's Plenty O'Toole is Kutani. ( I can only say that my relationship with Wendy of Kutani is a very good one and I can only wish that it had started much sooner than it did. Our friendship is a surprise to both of us and represents a salutary lesson for those whose aim in life is to gossip and tear other people down. I have been very touched by Wendy's kindness and the very thoughtful things that she has done for both John and I.) 

 As for the 2 bitches that I imported, they are behind the 2 dogs I am now showing. Tantra's Mary Grace and Tantra's Chase Me. Mary Grace has won the limit class twice and chase won his very 1st class and has qualified for Cruft's. He has been shown 3 times and has been in the top 3 each time. Chase is the 4th generation of my own breeding.Mary Grace is his mother. So regardless of the fact that I have loved this breed for 40 years I have in fact only been a serious exhibitor for 6 years. All the above achievements have been in the last 6 years. 

 Especially because of my health situation, I will not be able to campaign every quality puppy that I produce. It is therefore entirely possible that top-quality puppies will be available from me. However, puppies for showing will not be sold at 8 weeks. I much prefer to run them on myself and be certain of their qualities before I sell them on. This will mean that the puppy is likely to be over 6 months of age. 

 I hope this now sets the record straight as some people seem to think that I have been showing for the past 30 years! And I do wonder why their memories do not kick in and they then realise that of course they have not seen me at showsfor the last 30 years!

SUMMER SEX

We had a lovely day yesterday, visiting with friends. Whitney was quite the tart. When we removed her from the car, she hurled herself up the drive into the garden and happily let the stud be outrageous. They have mated today and are now curled up together. When I know if she took, I'll tell you who she was bred to. Maybe you can have a sweepstake on it, guessing who I used! :-)

The Lady Decorator, or one of them, Marian, has been around with the paint charts for out bedroom. We have been dark navy for nearly 14 years now. We are going to go for something dramatically different. I chose the Midnight Blue because it is a scientific fact that a dark room is a must for a good sleep. Well, heavy curtains will make it dark no matter what colour the walls!

This is the computer chair I have. We have one each. Very comfortable and it forces me to sit correctly, instead of being hunched over the keyboard, I am sitting back against the padded chair. Very comfortable.

John and I are planning to be at both Sottish shows this weekend. We will leave on Friday and return on Monday. Of course, Whitney will not return until next week, Pussy, Chase and MG are coming with us, leaving poor old Luque on his own at our friend's kennels.

At Sarah's 11 08 12

Cast On Baby!

MR PERFECT

As I am written before, I am not good with dealing with anything negative I want to write about me. I always think that as an advocate for living well and happily with past abuse and current disability, that i can't be anything but up and positive. Anything else makes me feel ashamed, ungrateful, selfish and weak.

Here goes: I feel like shit. i am fed up with the daily struggle. I posted a thing on FB, one of those quotes things and the quote was something like 'you have no idea how much energy some people expend in just being normal'. Oh boy, i know that one.

I was thinking about a person I know who has died recently. In fact I have been thinking about death a lot recently. With good reason. Our marriage was not just about love but also about protecting each other when one of us dies. 

The thought I keep having about death is just what a release it must be, the end of struggle. I have no idea what it is to not struggle. Everyday day of my life has been a struggle. A struggle to contain my grief and terror when I was a child, the struggle to maintain my sanity later, and now the struggle with my body. Nothing comes easily. Nothing at all. It is almost impossible to relax when in pain.  Even when i manage it for a short period, I then have more of a struggle to get going. the longer I sit or lay, the more locked up I become. I am constantly aware of how I affect those around me so I struggle to impact others as little as possible which is not always possible.

No I don't need an intervention! When I think about death, i also think about how much i want life, so what I am writing is not code for I want to end my life. I would love the struggle to end and I cannot see it doing so until I am dead. That's all.

It isn't surmountable-if I am going to live and live well, I need to take care of myself and my loves: John and my dogs. This means I have to struggle. 

There are things one can and must let go of - other people's problems, other people's opinions and behaviour. all of those i cannot control. Let go. That is easy. But I can't let go of myself can I?

Just an example; if i give in to the urge to nap, a real weariness, then i increase the chances of not sleeping well at night. So i struggle to stay awake. I keep myself busy. I end up going to bed at bed time and not sleeping well. I try to be relaxed about sleep but I find I cannot listen to my body here because then I get all out of whack, like I am now, which I hate. Not to mention the dogs who rely on me to be routine-ful for them. They keep me going.

I have no conclusions here. Just sharing what I feel today. Exhausted, fed up, and longing to have my body give me 30 minutes of peace. Then there is the practice of actually writing how I feel authentically, being humble and letting my ego tell me I can't let anyone see how I feel like shit some days. As if people think I am perfect! 

There we are. My name is Colin and I  feel like shit. I am sick of the struggle. Heartily sick of it. Today. tomorrow is another day and another story.